Complainer

[Shea]

I really don't think I like this one. I wrote it today about a frequent customer of ours. Something about it doesn't flow right with me, any suggestions? Oh, and I don't think "depressment" is a word, but since it's in quotes is that ok? (I had a hard time coming up with something that fit there)


His balding head gleams under lights.
His gut juts out for his arms to rest on
as he sees the world in gloom of night.

There's always greener grass in his sight;
but he's all talk, with no ambition
as his balding head gleams under lights.

Joys past are his current plight.
Content to lament, he voices erudition
seeing the world in gloom of night.

He goes to find comfort where others might
but becomes annoyed, perhaps it's too bright on
his balding head gleaming under lights.

"Leave then!" our looks unite,
"Your depressment is leading us to aggression
seeing the world in gloom of night."

Such an air of disgust, no one ever right;
he is blind to a good disposition.
His balding head gleams under lights
But he sees the world in gloom of night.

[firestarter]

well i think it is very good. the second line in each stanza made me have to reread the poem. at first i didnt thinki they really fit, but after reading it the second time, i found that they work well.
firestarter

[waxmephilosophical]

I like it. Writing is the best form of stress-relief, isn't it? :)

[Shea]

Hey thanks! :D Nobody has responded to this poem so I figured it was as bad as I thought it to be. Writing is a form of stress-relief for me. Unfortunatly, that didn't change much when my writer's block lifted. All my poetry always seems to come out kind of angsty (I don't know if that's spelled right). I've always wanted to try to get away from that.

[Arteum]

No, Shea -- that I didn't reply does not mean it was bad. I usually ignore all the poetry on this website because I think of it as an inferior style of art and, moreover, do not understand it much.

[firestarter]

well dont feel bad about people taking forever to respond. no one has even responded to mine yet.
firestarter

[Quickegreets]

You have a good eye for detail, as we can see from the verse, and I really enjoyed it.

I came in and signed on to leave a message for you, just to say its very unique in content.


His balding head gleams under lights.

This might be me too, in the near future..

[Shea]

Tee hee... I really have nothing against bald heads or big guts for that matter. I was really just picking on that guy because his attitude got under my skin. Perhaps in the future I'll be inspired to write a jovial poem complementing someone who has these qualities. To me everything in someone's appearance has to do with thier attitude. I could never pick on everyone who had a balding head because that would be the pot calling the kettle black. Despite the fact that I'm female, my hair gets thinner and thinner. :(

If I meet someone whom I find physically attractive, and then find out that they have a disgusting attitude, then they become more and more ugly. But someone who was at first physically unattractive, the nicer they are, the more attractive they are. ;) Maybe I read too much into what you meant Quickegreets, but I really didn't want anyone to get the idea that I was prejudice against bald heads!