All the way from Scotland, for a week

[JonathanManley]

A knock at the door
and who walks in,
but my long lost brother-in-law
+ his wife and two kids.

I remember him thinner
, well I mean younger at least
and with less double chins –
perhaps a narrower waist.

I help bring the bags in
from his luxurious car
and I begin the week’s small talk,
complimenting it’s colour.

The sat-nav found us okay
and the traffic was fine
all the way down from their house
– though he did get a ticket.

And I’m pure charming,
in spite of earlier objections.
I’m asking questions, and smiling,
and nodding, and agreeing.

See me pal.

[Hawkman]

Some observations... With the use of + you immediately make your punctuation problematic. Are you using hyphens as hyphens or minus signs? I'm not keen on these texts shortcuts, unless the style of the poem warrants it. Here, I feel, it does not. Proper words, please.

Grammatically, one can't have, "less double chins" though one may have "fewer." You might like to rephrase S3 as it reads as though you are complimenting the colour of the small talk.

Finally, I have a bit of a problem with the line, "in spite of earlier objections" which have not been mentioned earlier in the poem. I feel the poem would be more complete with some exposition of the objections and their effect on the encounter.

There are some elements of over writing, where less would concentrate the narrative and convey action and intent more economically. For example,

"I remember him thinner,
well, younger, at least,
with fewer chins
and a narrower waist."

The subject of the poem is a rich one, ripe for humour as well as poignancy. A good start, but a little revision would give it polish.

Live and be well - H

[Dreamwoven]

I also liked this. It flows well, too.

[desiresjab]

I like the reality of this one. The scenario arrives magically fast, like your guests. Long lost implies just enough for me to accept In spite of earlier objections, though I think you will do much better than that. Verse four I like.

What you have is a good chance at a first rate poem. It needs some work, and some expansion. Clean out the obtrusive symbols, correct the punctuation, and reverse the order of lines three and four in verse three, for starters.

So, the brother-in-law has a luxurious car. I am almost positive his car is better than yours. Very good. Subtle enough.

You set up a lot that is not quite resolved. Let's have more. You can get a lot more out of verse two. The same for verse five. And, son, I know you can do better than see me pal. Yeah, I get the sense, but what happened, did your legs give out from the first leg of the Herculean effort required to wrench a first rate poem out of the air? Their visit was a blessing of the muse. You have rested, now get to work, please.

[desiresjab]

I generally do not like cliched phrases like (long lost anything), but here I feel it takes poetic action as harbinger of the small talk to come, before a word is ever spoken.

In also works well in tandem with his chinnage. Do not lose the chinnage, just correct it and say more. That's about it.

[JonathanManley]

Somehow I missed the comments on this post at the time... Many thanks desiresjab, Dreamwoven and Hawkman for your constructive input on this one. It's got a way to go, so your thoughts are very much appreciated