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View Full Version : Lounging in the improbable city



DieterM
05-12-2016, 08:55 AM
I’ve been walking for hours through the sestiere of Dorsoduro
discovering narrow shadow lanes
and climbing the stairs of uncountable bridges
and stumbling across uncountable, cobble-paved campi
where uncountable churches with lopsided red brick campanile
were waiting for redeemable souls
like as many forlorn De Chirico cityscapes

now seagulls hoot, wavelets slosh and lap the pier,
outboard motors utter
muffled under-water roars
as municipal garbage boats and vaporetti
and small Riva runabouts chuggle
in random criss-cross patterns
over the Guidecca Canal

sitting under my parasol I’m briefly considering
the third Aperol Spritz of this afternoon
but feel too lazy to call out
for the ragazzaccio with the designer stubble
and the elaborate hairdo
who’s standing in the halfshade of the bar entrance
flexing his muscles and pouting in a manly, handsome way

the sun pours drowsily over the white marble facade
of San Giorgio Maggiore to my right
and the white marble facade of the
Chiesa del Santissimo Redentore to my left,
the name of which is a poem all by itself,
and I’m thinking I could do with a bit of redemption, too,
but rather may go for another Spritz instead

Dreamwoven
05-13-2016, 01:44 AM
I'm enjoying your poems, Dieter. Stockholm is one of several north european cites that are nicknamed "the venice of the north".

DieterM
05-13-2016, 05:43 AM
Would lover to visit Stockholm and Sweden… quite on top of my to-do-list, actually. If only it wasn't so expensive (to go there/to stay there) ;-) but definitely a must on the near future. thanks for stopping by and commenting, D. :-)

Hawkman
05-14-2016, 06:33 AM
What-ho!

So what's with all these Italian italicisations, then? Are you trying to visually reproduce the pretentious hipster's hyperforeignism? Though possibly comic, it is also just a bit cringeworthy! I feel as though I've been locked in a room with a complete stranger who insists on showing me his holiday snaps, and tells me all about his wonderful trip by over pronouncing every foreign word, just to show how cosmopolitan he is. I think he's one of those chaps who insists on standing just a little bit too close, invading one's comfort zone, as well. :D

Actually I quite like the piece, although for my personal taste, it comes over as just a bit too chatty, which detracts from the poetry. I feel that with a little judicious editing, particularly in the first stanza, it would be much improved. Removing uncountable repetitions might be a good start.

Where it is working is in the imagery and assonance.

"outboard motors utter
muffled under-water roars"

I'm particularly fond of, and the perfect little word portrait of the delinquent works very well, except for that italicisation...

Always enjoy reading your contributions, Dieter.

Live and be well - H