Microfiction help

[Sir Cumference]

In English class, we're doing Microfiction, which is a story with a maximum of around 500-600 words and includes a beginning, middle, end, etc. The teacher also wants us to follow Kurt Vonnegut's Eight Rules of Creative Writing.

Here's Part Three of the story I'm writing, and the part I'm turning in:



Day Three: 11 May 2015

At 06:30, I called up all my students and told them about my Promposal, with my bedroom door closed tightly to prevent Olivia from overhearing it (to avoid a “Spoiler Alert” kind of situation). I would also had to drive to Permian to manage the first quarter of the setup, and most importantly, drop off those cupcakes.

Then, two hours after I came back (when the setup finished), I told Olivia, “Listen. I want you to do me a favour. It’s a big one, and it’s gonna seem weird at first, but hey, just don’t make a big deal out of it. You’ll really enjoy the outcome.”

She replied with, “OK… but what is it?”

I told her, “You’ll see.” before Derek gave her some instructions.

I floored the gas pedal and sprinted to the back of the front lobby. I sat down on the couch at the back wall. Meanwhile, “The Dream” from the 1997 Titanic movie was playing in the background.

One minute into the song, I first see Olivia walking down the aisle. After 10 seconds, I put the cupcake box on the table. She stops in front of the table, with the box right in front of her.

I crack the box open and slowly lift the lid to reveal:


Roses Are Red
Cupcakes Are BOMB
But It Would Be Nice
If You Could Come With Me To
PROM?

Her jaw dropped to the ground. She started clapping her hands and jumping up and down, and delightfully yelled out “YES!!”...

Right when the key signature of the song changed, the entire crowd suddenly burst into applause as I stood behind the table with my left arm around her and her right arm around me. We both smiled as pictures were snapped off at rates of at least a million per second.

We turned towards each other. At the song’s 01:48 mark, she pulled herself towards me and kissed me. A shocked feeling went through my body but quickly dissipated as I lost myself in her cinnamon breath and soft lips…

The crowd’s cheering and applauding turned into a mixture of things like, “Oooohh!”, “Woah!”, and gasping.

She whispered, “You have no idea…” just before she kissed me again. Our arms were tightly wrapped around each other as we kissed, slowly and sensually. Before we knew it, we were moving towards that couch.

I laid her down on the couch, never breaking our kiss. I was supporting myself so that my body was just above hers.

We kissed for at least half an hour before finally being broken up by the sound of Olivia’s phone. Derek was calling us and telling us to come home.

Her final comments were, “One thing my parents told me, is that if anything bad arises out of this, such as rumours, tell me and the school admins about it. Again, many people have done this, and many people will do this no matter what year it is, so you can tell them that.”


I'm still adding more to the end, but how could I make this part more appropriate for microfiction? Is there even a way? How could I make it more "Show" and less "Tell"? And most importantly, how could I use some of Vonnegut's Eight Rules?

(I'm in desperate need of help as this is due on the 9th of May. I'm posting this here because my teacher's comments were quite rude and of literally no help.)

[Danik 2016]

*****

[Danik 2016]

Dear Sir,
I don´t know Vonnegut's Eight Rules but I noticed 1 or 2 things that may be of help.
1-At this is the third part of the story, I suppose the characters and the outline of the story were presented to thereaders in the first one. I don´t quite understand why you are turning in only the third part and not the complete story. A complete story would be easier to follow. Maybe you could make it more compact and turn in the whole story.
2- The scenario is not very clear to me. There seems to be a mixture of real and virtual elements. For example, where are Olivia and the narrator and where is the crowd?
3- Typos:"Promposal", "I would also had to drive ".
I hope this helps.

[YesNo]

I liked this sentence, "At the song’s 01:48 mark, she pulled herself towards me and kissed me." Knowing the exact second of the song made this unusual.

This could be written with fewer words. I think you could remove the last paragraph. No need for a moral. Let the reader figure it out. Readers are not totally stupid.

Since your teacher has read it and disapproved, you will have to change it, so rewrite it, but keep that line I mentioned above. I also liked your version of the roses are red poem. What I would do is cut out anything unnecessary such as things like "(to avoid a “Spoiler Alert” kind of situation)". Then fill it in with new words--or no words.

Also since she was rude, she probably either (1) thinks you have been rude to her, or (2) is just naturally rude, or (3) thinks there is too much sex in the story, or (4) thinks there is not enough sex in the story or (5) doesn't like the female taking all the initiative. The question is, Do you want a good grade or not?

What are those Eight Rules?

[Sir Cumference]

In reply to YesNo:

The teacher was rude because: Reason Number II.



Kurt Vonnegut's Eight Rules:

I. Use the time of a total stranger in such a way that he or she will not feel the time was wasted.

II. Give the reader at least one character he or she can root for.

III. Every character should want something, even if it is only a glass of water.

IV. Every sentence must do one of two things—reveal character or advance the action.

V. Start as close to the end as possible.
VI. Be a sadist. No matter how sweet and innocent your leading characters, make awful things happen to them—in order that the reader may see what they are made of.

VII. Write to please just one person. If you open a window and make love to the world, so to speak, your story will get pneumonia.

VIII. Give your readers as much information as possible as soon as possible. To heck with suspense. Readers should have such complete understanding of what is going on, where and why, that they could finish the story themselves, should cockroaches eat the last few pages.


Yes, I want a good grade!

[YesNo]

I've had teachers like that. The smart move is to keep a low profile, but I wasn't smart.

I liked those eight rules.

So what is your story about? Write that down in a few sentences. I would say something like this:


I want to ask Olivia to the prom by sending a message in a box of cupcakes and stage this so everyone is watching as if I were going to propose marriage to her. It's dumb, but she liked the idea. When she opened the box of cupcakes she jumped up and down like an idiot. She gave me a kiss. I kissed her. Then her boyfriend Derek called her on the phone and she had to leave, but she gave me some good advice that it is OK to take someone else's girlfriend.

I know. Nowhere in your story is Derek mentioned as her "boyfriend", but as a reader I have no clue who he is. Here is a character who doesn't want anything. This violates rule 3. As a reader I filled this in which is what readers do by rule 8. Also I need a character to root for by rule 2 and the only one that doesn't look like an idiot is Derek.

I know you did not "tell" me that Olivia was an "idiot". This is where you "showed" her character. So that was good. You let the reader (me) draw the conclusion that Olivia was an idiot from this part: "Her jaw dropped to the ground. She started clapping her hands and jumping up and down". If you did not intend her to be an idiot then what you did was not so good.

There are parts in the story that I couldn't piece together. (1) You have "students", but nothing happens to them. (2) There's a crowd. Is it made up of those students? If so, why not call them students? (3) There's a car, a couch, a table, and an aisle that have nothing to do with the story. I think that violates rule 4.

Your story has me interested in Derek. I would take out the extraneous parts and show Derek in a positive way.

[Sir Cumference]

Here's what I have now:



Day Three: 11 May 2015

At 06:30, I called up all my students and told them about my Promposal, with my bedroom door closed tightly to prevent my cousin Olivia from overhearing it.

Two hours after I came back from managing the setup, I told her, “Listen. I want you to do me a favour. It’s a big one, and it’s gonna seem weird at first, but hey, just don’t make a big deal out of it. You’ll really enjoy the outcome.”

She replied with, “OK… but what is it?”

I told her, “You’ll see.” before Derek, my brother, gave her some “instructions”.

I raced to the back of Permian High’s front lobby, and sat down on the couch at the back of the lobby. Meanwhile, “The Dream” from the 1997 Titanic movie was playing in the background.

One minute into the song, I first see Olivia walking down the lobby. After 10 seconds, I put the cupcake box on the table in front of the couch. She stops in front of the table, with the box right in front of her.

I crack the box open and slowly lift the lid to reveal:


Roses Are Red
Cupcakes Are BOMB
But It Would Be Nice
If You Could Come With Me To
PROM?

Her jaw dropped to the ground. She started clapping her hands and jumping up and down, and delightfully yelled out “YES!!”...

Right when the key signature of the song changed, the entire student section suddenly burst into applause as I stood behind the table with my left arm around her and her right arm around me. We both smiled as pictures were snapped off at rates of at least a million per second.

We turned towards each other. At the song’s 01:48 mark, she pulled herself towards me and kissed me. A shocked feeling went through my body but quickly dissipated as I lost myself in her cinnamon breath and soft lips…

The crowd’s cheering and applauding turned into a mixture of things like, “Oooohh!”, “Woah!”, and gasping.

She whispered, “You have no idea…” just before she kissed me again. Our arms were tightly wrapped around each other as we kissed, slowly and sensually. Before we knew it, we were moving towards that couch.

I laid her down on the couch, never breaking our kiss. I was supporting myself so that my body was just above hers…


Should I add why the couch was there? Or is that extraneous?

My god! This is so hard!!

[YesNo]

I suppose a couch could be in a school lobby. I am puzzled by the student audience, but that is something you might have set up with some of your friends.

The sentence, "Her jaw dropped to the ground" might be better as "Her jaw dropped." Her jaw going to the ground is an exaggeration. How does it help her character to exaggerate? Also the pictures being taken "a million per second" is another exaggeration which I know can't be true. How does this information move the story along or develop one of the characters?

You clarified Olivia as your cousin who is living with your family and Derek is your brother. You don't have to give your brother a name unless you want to use that character more. But that removes my original interpretation. In this case you told me something which was useful. You didn't show it, but you don't have to show everything. You gave me enough information so i don't go off the deep end with my imagination.

I'm not a good judge of literature. I'm just a reader. Your teacher will probably still not like this, but I think it is better. What I would like to know is what is the tension between you and Olivia that requires you to stage this event? Have you two been fighting? Why would she want to go to the prom with her cousin? Does she not have a date from a non-family member? Is she not attractive that no one else is asking her to the prom? Is she a nerd or a goth type that might keep her from wanting to go to the prom? The "I" in the story seems to have been developed. This is the kind of guy who would spend a lot of time to stage an event for a girl and who is popular enough to get a bunch of students to help.

[Sir Cumference]

Now my question is, how do I include

"I asked another girl but she rejected me and I felt embarrassed"
"My cousin came over and I wanted to ask her but this idea felt weird"
and any other necessary details

into 100 words or less?


And, to answer your questions:



Why would she want to go to the prom with her cousin? Does she not have a date from a non-family member? Is she not attractive that no one else is asking her to the prom? Is she a nerd or a goth type that might keep her from wanting to go to the prom?


1. That's because Olivia lives in Michigan and I'm down here in Texas.
2. N/A
3. From Part One:
At 19:05, the doorbell rings. Among the people that walk in are some of my friends from Permian and familiar faces from Odessa High, along with a few other relatives who live distant from the place known as West Texas. No parents, though. Then, one unfamiliar face. A goddess. An honest-to-goodness goddess. My first look at this girl made me feel like I’d been stabbed in the gut with a solid-helium icicle near absolute zero.

My older brother came down the stairs, saw her, exclaimed, “Hey, Olivia!” and thus broke the spell.

He was right. It was one of my cousins, Olivia Monsanto. We’d known each other since we were both 7 years old. Back then, she was one of those kids who (in certain ways) “blended” into the background. Like me, I guess. But 9 years have passed since things were that way. Now, we’re both 16, and the “blended” characteristics were long gone. She was gorgeous.
4. No, almost no one at Permian High knew her.

[YesNo]

You have already stated what you want to say in less than 100 words. Just use those words. That does clarify the situation. You might mention Olivia was visiting your family at the time.

I would allow the "I" character to be embarrassed, without explicitly saying he was embarrassed, and that may make the reader root for that character. You could also change the name of the "I" character to "John" so it does not suggest that it points back to you personally. You could tell the story as if Derek were telling it. He would be the "I" character.