The Death of a Fruit Fly

[JonathanManley]

I might have let him go
If he'd evaded me one more time
But he didn't
My palm clasped tightly at the the air around him
When I opened it he was there
I saw him crawl, a few fast millimeters
I clamped my hand shut again
My parents taught me never to kill anything
And I still feel guilt
Like someone up there saw me do it, and noted it down
In some notebook of my misdeeds
Jiminy Cricket, or the Angels and Saints - I don't know who
I killed it anyway

[JonathanManley]

Hi, I probably should have said at the time of posting that any constructive feedback will be extremely welcome!

Thanks

JM

[Nicholas_]

I like the subject material and the first three lines. The abruptness of the third line sets the tone for the poem so the last line does well to echo it. The ninth line almost has that effect, try pushing it all the way.
Its mildly disorienting when you explain your guilt at killing the fly:
"Like someone up there saw me do it..." And then go on to say "I killed it anyway". Nevertheless I very much enjoy those last four lines. The repetition between note and notebook it pleasing and throwing in Jiminy Cricket with angels and saints brings the poem down to eye level if you will.

[Hawkman]

An interesting take on guilt and impulse, though I'm not convinced that the personification of the fruit fly with a personal pronoun is necessary. I'm not sure about "fast millimetres" either. "Crawl" doesn't really equate with speed. I confess, that I'd been reading it as 'last,' until I came to analyse the text, anyway. I'm also unconvinced by the use of palm (singular) in conjunction with "clasped". I have a little difficulty in imagining a clasped palm. I think I'd have used 'hand' here, and used 'fingers,' or possibly 'fist.'

I feel the 10th line reads a little clumsily. It's over extended, leading the last four lines to become a little rambling. Perhaps a little succinctness would not be out of place here. Less is more, as they say. The biggest problem is in the ending, though. "I killed it anyway," comes after the expression of remorse. It would be better placed after the statement that, "My parents taught me never to kill anything." Then the statement is in contradiction of teaching, an act of defiance or rebellion, coupled with the fear of being caught in disobedience. The big brother complex, or the God spot, manifest in conscience and guilt, thus flows naturally from the succession of narrated events.

An interesting poem.

Live and be well - H

[JonathanManley]

@Nicholas & Hawkman Thank you both very much for your most constructive feedback, it is really helpful - and I am very grateful you gave my poem so much of your time and thought. Really appreciate your comments