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SDavids
03-04-2016, 03:53 PM
Chapter 1-- Her

The wind blew soft and the sun was blood red, shining bright and warm in the clear blue sky. As I lay there weak and tired I wondered how I got there, why me? Why was I given this damned curse? A gift they said...they said it was a gift.

“Blake, get up! They’re coming!” even in the haze she was still alluring, still beautiful. I could taste blood and after summoning what little strength I had left, I got up. My legs were numb but they managed to somehow run, I could hear them behind us. With every gasp for air they were gaining. Then I heard it. The voice was loud but distorted. It was as if it was speeding past me at 100mph, loud at first but then faded into the distance. ‘Wake up!’ the voice said ‘Max, wake up! Please wake up!’ I could now tell that voice was that of a mother, she sounded upset, but I couldn’t leave Lana, not until I knew she’d be safe.

We’d made it across the grass field to a deep trench, there was a large rusted sewer pipe that was big enough for us to walk through.

“In here quickly!” Lana called as she jumped up into the darkness “They won’t follow us in here”

The thought of climbing into the slimy depths of the City sewer excrement network was repulsive but when being chased by a bunch of maniacs with guns and wanting to kill you, hygiene kinda takes a back seat. I jumped in and Lana followed, as we ran further into the darkness, Lana stopped and reached into her backpack and pulled out a large silver flashlight “Always be prepared” Lana smiled. Even in the chaos she was reassuring and even in the darkness her smile made her more attractive. “Lets go” Lana said shiffling through the sewer pipe, casually kicking a curious rat out of the way. So I went, wondering where this **** scented labyrinth of concrete pipe would take us. Before long Lana stopped.

“Right we’re here, looks like they haven't followed us” she panted “have you still got the disc”
“Yea of course, I haven't let it out of my pocket” I replied, struggling to decide whether to catch breath through my nose or my mouth
“Great” She sighed “We go up from here then we need to get to one of the hide outs, are you listening carefully?” she questioned, I just gave her a nod “We’ll climb this ladder and we’ll come out next to a lake, we need to take a left after the entrance, then head towards St Edmunds Street, and then take the third Ally way to your right. Wait behind the bins. If we get split up for whatever reason we meet each other there.”

Lanas voice was distorted and faint, then i began to drift.

Things went black.

108 fountains
03-11-2016, 05:35 PM
It's a good start, and I hope you keep going with it. A couple of comments where it might be improved:

I used to start off my stories with a sentence or paragraph of description of the setting to kind of set the mood, but I've been advised over and over again not to do that - not to start a story with a weather report. I like your first sentence; I like the phrase, "the sun was blood red," but you still might consider deleting it per the advice I've been given over the years.

This sentence - ‘"Wake up!"’ the voice said ‘"Max, wake up! Please wake up!"’ I could now tell that voice was that of a mother..." - was extremely confusing to me. Earlier in the paragraph we read "'Blake, wake up!'" So are Blake and Max the same person? If not, you should probably explain it right away; otherwise, it just looks like you forgot the name of your main character. Also, how in the world can you tell the voice of a mother? How does a mother's voice sound different tfrom a woman's voice. If there is some difference that is important to the story, especially if it would shed some light on whether Blake and Max are the same person, then you should elaborate here. Otherwise, it just seems really awkward.

Similarly, the gift or the curse, whatever it is needs to be explained; it can be explained later in the story, but you just can't start out a story with the main character saying he has a curse or a gift, and then not mention it again.

There are a couple of grammatical errors, but no biggies. In general the story is fast-paced and builds suspense. I like that you have Lana taking the lead rather than having the girl taking the traditional role of a damsel in distress.

Actually, I suspect you might end this little tale with Max being awakened from a dream by his mother. I hope not. Thousands of stories end like this - it's just not original, and it's also a cop-out for writers who can't think of a good ending for their story. The actual action that is taking place in your story is interesting. I would suggest you follow it through and come up with a real ending rather than fall back on the tired idea of it all being a dream.