Jokes, the worse the better

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Oi, oi, lads. I don't think we have a thread for the telling of jokes, the firing off of one-liners, the cracking of quips, or the purveying of punchlines. So I'm bloody well starting one. If you know a nice, succinct joke, even one that may be a bit plump about the middle and suffer from receding hair and halitosis, this is the place to unleash it. Witness this gem, meant to be read aloud:

A bear walks into a bar and says "I'll have...........a beer." To which the bartender replies "Why the big pause?"

<cough> Or this testament to jocularity:

Two men walk into a bar. The third one ducked.

If you've got a bad one, lay it on us.

[spikepipsqueak]

I used to have a racing snail. I took his shell off, trying to improve his lap times, but it just made him more sluggish.

[YesNo]

I saw a dead skunk in the road. I want it. Now you say, "I two it."

"I two it."

I three it.

"I four it."

I five it.

"I six it."

I seven it.

"I eight it."

[Tyrion Cheddar]

I both understood and was duly frightened by those jokes. My turn:

If a snake dies and comes back as a ghost, what do you call it? A boo-a constrictor.

[MANICHAEAN]

I put 200 pounds on a horse at 20:1
It came in at three thirty.

(Tommy Cooper)

[Lokasenna]

Two cannibals were eating a clown - one said to the other, 'Does he taste funny to you?'

(Tommy Cooper, once again).

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Two parrots were standing on a perch. One of them said to the other: "Do you smell fish?"

[AuntShecky]

An ocean fish started getting sick of his usual fare of anthozoa, so he thought he'd change his diet to sea ferns. After gagging on the first bite, he said, "With fronds like these,who needs anemones?

[Tyrion Cheddar]

An ocean fish started getting sick of his usual fare of anthozoa, so he thought he'd change his diet to sea ferns. After gagging on the first bite, he said, "With fronds like these,who needs anemones?

Aunt Shecky, that was so painful, that you must now suffer this:

If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?

[Lokasenna]

When my grandmother turned 60, she started walking five miles a day. She's 97 now and we have no idea where the hell she is.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

You should never judge a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes. Then you'll be a mile away and you'll have his shoes.

[Andrea Michelle]

Why is Dublin so big? Because it just keeps Dublin, and Dublin, and Dublin....:smilewinkgrin:

[Tyrion Cheddar]

A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar. No joke.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

For my birthday someone gave me a humidifier. Someone else gave me a dehumidifier. I put them both on in the same room and let them fight it out.

[Helga]

When I was ten I won a joke contest at school with a terrible joke and only the judge laughed: There once was an elf who had such a long beard it smelled like his toes.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

You're right, that was terrible. ;-) My turn:

I went to a museum where they had all the heads and arms from all the statues in the other museums.

[YesNo]

Professor Knowitall asked the class if there were any questions. A wee voice in the back of the room asked, "Could you do problem 30?" The professor looked at the problem and thought. Then he said, "Any monkey can do that problem. Work on it some more. Any other questions?"

[qimissung]

What do you call an elephant with a machine gun?

"Sir."

[Tyrion Cheddar]

I parked my car in a tow away zone. When I got back the entire area was gone.

[YesNo]

I saw this one on the internet and so it must be true: Scientists have discovered that Valentine's day has been mathematically cancelled this year since 16 - 02 - 14 = 0.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

I saw this one on the internet and so it must be true: Scientists have discovered that Valentine's day has been mathematically cancelled this year since 16 - 02 - 14 = 0.

YesNo, you've violated the first rule of this thread, which is Don't make obscure Valentine's Day allusions. Also you made no references to marsupials, thus violating the other first rule of this thread.

<clears throat>

I think Bigfoot is blurry. It's not the photographer's fault. And that scares me, 'cause there's a large out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside.

--Mitch Hedberg

[spikepipsqueak]

If you have a stegasaurus and a pebble on the top of a cliff which will jump first?








(I couldn't find the "hide" tags)














The pebble, because it's a little boulder.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

spikepip, that was excruciating, and I will now retaliate with this:

Today I got food poisoning. I don't know when I'm going to use it.

[qimissung]

How does an attorney sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

[prendrelemick]

A man tipped a pint of milk over my head !


How dairy

[Tyrion Cheddar]

One night a jet flew a little too close to my house. I was walking from the living room into the kitchen and the flight attendant told me to sit down.

[Lokasenna]

I've just had some bad news. Tomorrow it's the mother-in-law's funeral... she's just cancelled it.

[North Star]

Da Vinci Code

[Tyrion Cheddar]

You guys are getting better. I applaud your effort--with one hand, my other hand's busy. Right, my turn:

I can't stop having sex with women who save people's lives. I'm a heroine addict.

[North Star]

I can't stop having sex with women who save people's lives. I'm a heroine addict.
That's priceless - nobody would ever think of paying anything for that.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

That's priceless - nobody would ever think of paying anything for that.

Thank you. I wrote that joke for a fundraiser. We were raising money to buy one of those machines that shows you how much money you've raised.

[Calidore]

Today I got food poisoning. I don't know when I'm going to use it.

Steven Wright! He's one of my favorites. Whatever happened to him?

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Steven Wright! He's one of my favorites. Whatever happened to him?

It appears he's still around. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steven_Wright#Filmography Also search YouTube, there is a ton of him there.

[Delta40]

Do you know why deep sea divers fall off boats backwards?










Because if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat!

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Delta40, you must be punished for that one:

If you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

A friend recommended a book and said "It's a page turner." I wanted to say to him "I know how books work."

[qimissung]

lol..

[Tyrion Cheddar]

I bought a home pregnancy kit. Turns out my house is pregnant.

[prendrelemick]

The man who invented Tic-Tacs made a mint.

The man who invented the box they come in made a packet.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Two babies are born on the same day in the same hospital, and they're lying in the same room just looking at each other. Eighty-five years later, by an amazing coincidence, they end up in the same hospital in the same room, lying on their deathbeds looking at each other. Finally one of them says: "So, what did you think?"

[bounty]

I have a major crush on dana perino, and today she told a few corny jokes. one was:

I read that my blood type is A, but it was a typo.

another was, how does moses make his tea?

he brews it.

the last was, what do you call a dinosaur who knows a lot of words?

a thesaurus.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs, but I used to, too.

--Mitch Hedberg

And bounty, maybe comedy just isn't your forte. Have you tried baking muffins?

[Sancho]

^Bah-hahahahah

Also, I'm sympathy for Mitch...

You see, I don't drink anymore...of course I don't any less...

[spikepipsqueak]

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!!

Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

When a dog is in heat, that means it wants sex. That's my defense.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

You chaps appear to need a little prodding in the jokes department, so prepare yourselves:

I got myself a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry," so it died.

[tailor STATELY]

Why do elephants wear tennies ?

Because ninies are too small and elevenies are too big.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Tailor, I stared at that joke for some time, and I fear I still can't fathom it, so I shall retaliate with this:

I went to the doctor, but all he did was suck blood from my neck. Everyone, don't go to Dr. Acula.

[Lokasenna]

What's the difference between a dirty bus-stop and a well-endowed female lobster?

One's a crusty bus station, the other's a busty crustacean.

**hangs head in shame**

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Actually, Lokasenna, I thought that was one of the better ones we've had. Now hear this:

I was thinking of getting my teeth whitened, but I realized I could just get a tan instead.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Never high five a rabbi.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

So I said to Lokasenna: "I bet you can't name one subject I don't know a joke about." He said "Beavers." And I said "Dam."

[North Star]

So I said to Lokasenna: "I bet you can't name one subject I don't know a joke about." He said "Beavers." And I said "Dam."

Do you know any jokes about anesthetics?`

Me neither.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Last night I dreamt I kept driving round a roundabout. With my right hand I was making pancakes, with my left hand I was steering. All night, tossing and turning.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Despite you people taking the plethora of comedy gold I've given you for granted, leaving me feeling neglected and unloved, I shall give you more:

I was standing in the park today wondering why a frisbee looks bigger as it gets closer, and then it hit me.

[tailor STATELY]

"tennies" is slang for tennis shoes; the premise we start with in the joke. The weak humor is in that the size 10 (tennies also) are the ultimate size for "tennies" for an elephant to wear since size 9's (ninies) are too small and size 11's (elevenies) are too big, which every child at heart knows. As an aside in a seemingly unrelated thread: Big Game (bigamy)=large wildlife.

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

[YesNo]

What did the scarecrow say to the pumpkin?

Nothing.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

What did the scarecrow say to the pumpkin?

Nothing.

Surreal and abstract humor warms my heart, YesNo. I cut my teeth on it, as in the following example:

What's the difference between an orange?

Something satisfyingly Dadaist about it. Now, moving along:

I once dated a girl called Paige Turner. Couldn't put her down.

[North Star]

How did a penguin, a Martian and Sarah Palin meet?

Oddly enough.

[Lokasenna]

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Brian.
Brian who?
BRIAN BLESSED!

(Because, y'know, it would be funny if Brian Blessed turned up on your doorstep).

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Lokasenna, why don't you sit comfortably, there, on the chaise longue. No, not that one, the less nice one. By the window overlooking the slaughterhouse. And I'll fix you a nice cup of tea with lemon. And arsenic. That's it. There's a good boy.

Much though I did like old Brian in Blackadder. Right, 'ere we go, then:

Did I already do my deja vu joke?

[Tyrion Cheddar]

So this chap said "Next time you're asleep I'm going to wake you up." I said "That's disturbing."

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Wake up, you inveterate laggards! Or is it invertebrate? Rouse yourselves from your comedy slumber and start crankin' out the jokes. This thread ain't gonna write itself.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

People call me a hypochondriac, which really hurts.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

I like what mechanics wear, overall.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

I've got a chicken-proof lawn. It's impeccable.

[Sancho]

Guy walks into a bar with piece of tarmac under under his arm, sez, "one for me and one for the road."

[Tyrion Cheddar]

When I was young my fairy godmother asked me whether I wanted a long penis or a long memory. I forget my response.

[Sancho]

Yeah, well, my memory's the second shortest thing I've got.

[tailor STATELY]

Extracted from the web:

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first goes up to the bartender and says, "I'll have a pint of lager, please." The next one says, "and I'll have half of what he's having." The bartender says, "You're all idiots," and pulls two pints.

[Sancho]

Dog walks into a bar, got a big bandage on his foot, sez, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

[Lokasenna]

What do you call a burglar in a full suit of plate armour? A thief in the knight!

[Pendragon]

Two Priests and a Rabbi walk into a bar. Funeral on Friday. The bar was across the railroad tracks and a train was coming.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

There's so much nudity on TV. I just sit there shaking my fist.

[spikepipsqueak]

Adblocker makes you less attractive to women. The minute I installed it all the horny singles in my area lost interest.

[Delta40]

Dog walks into a bar, got a big bandage on his foot, sez, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

:banghead: Lol.

[Delta40]

My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

I'm not an expert on masturbation but I hold my own.

[Sancho]

A top herpetologist became alarmed at a sharp decline in the Guatemalan tree frog population and decided to study the phenomenon. He determined the frogs weren't copulating normally or at all, really. Their skin was so slick that the male frog would slide off the back of the female frog before ever achieving anything close to penetration. To solve the problem the herpetologist needed to find a sticky substance to apply to the frog's skin so they could do their business and yet not damage their delicate skin. He found a single salt-based substance that would work. You see, Guatemalan tree frogs need monosodium glutamate.

[Lokasenna]

Two nitwits were walking in the forest when they came across some tracks. "These are bear tracks," said one. "No, they're fox tracks," said the other. They argued and argued, and they were still arguing when the train hit them.

[North Star]

Two nitwits were walking in the forest when they came across some tracks. "These are bear tracks," said one. "No, they're fox tracks," said the other. They argued and argued, and they were still arguing when the train hit them.
Oldie but moldie.

Two men were hunting, and one of them accidentally shot himself. His friend called 911 and told them that he believed his friend to be dead. They asked him if he was sure. There was a loud noise and he replied 'I am now'.

[Sancho]

^haha

Heard a version of that one. Went something like this:

Call comes into the 911 Operator. Caller was frantic:

Caller - " Oh my god. My buddy and me are out in the woods hunting, and my buddy just fell over face first. He's not moving. I don't think he's breathing. Oh My God! I think he's dead! What do I do!?"

Operator - "Calm down, sir. First let's make sure he's dead."

The operator hears two gunshots ring out over the line.

Caller - "Okay, now what?"

[Tyrion Cheddar]

I think women who say size doesn't matter are shallow.

[108 fountains]

I overheard a short clip on AMC. I wish I knew what movie it was from. It was Dean Martin's voice saying, "Oh, these women! There was one knocking on my door last night for thirty minutes - but I didn't let her out."

[Tyrion Cheddar]

My Mom & Dad always do things straight away. I call them my immediate family.

[Sancho]

A Jew and a Chinaman drinking at the bar. Jew hauls off and slugs the Chinaman, right in the mouth. Chinaman rubbing his jaw says, "What the hell was that for?" Jew says, "That's for Pearl Harbor." Chinaman says, "I'm Chinese. We didn't have anything to do with Pearl Harbor. That was the Japanese, you idiot." Jew says, "Bah! Chinese, Japanese - same thing."

Chinaman tosses back a whiskey shooter and hauls off and slugs the Jew, right in the mouth. Jew rubbing his jaw says, "What the hell was that for?" Chinaman says, "That's for The Titanic." Jew says, "I'm Jewish. We didn't have anything to do with the sinking of The Titanic. It hit an iceberg, you idiot." Chinaman says, "Bah! Goldberg, Silverberg, iceberg - same thing."

[Delta40]

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off

[Delta40]

Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ”Oi – get out! We don’t want your type in here”

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Well. At last. I kept plugging away and plugging away in darkness. I was the lone voice, crying in the wilderness of comedy, and at last, finally, it pays off. Welcome, my friends, to the Bus O' Laughter.

I opened the front door while my Dad was in the middle of fixing it and he flew off the handle.

[Sancho]

D'ya hear about the insomniac agnostic dyslexic?

He used to lie awake nights wondering if there is a dog.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

I went to the barber and he said "Do you want a crew cut?" I said "No, just me."

[Sancho]

Goose walks into a bar, sez to the bartender, "Got any berries?"

Bartender sez, "Beer and whiskey only, my friend, no berries."

Goose sez, "Thank you" and walks out.

Next day same goose walks into the same bar, sez to the bartender, "Got any berries?"

Bartender, slightly miffed, sez, "Beer and Whiskey only, no berries."

Goose sez, "Thank you" and walks out.

Next day same goose walks into the same bar, sez to the bartender, "Got any berries?"

Bartender looses his sh*t, sez, "Goddamit, goose, are you thick?, how many times I gotta tell you, beer and whiskey only, no berries. You come in here again asking for berries I'm going to nail that ridiculous goose bill of yours to the bar!"

Goose thinks a minute and sez, "Got any nails?"

Bartender, flustered, sez, "No, why?"

Goose sez, "Got any berries?"

[tailor STATELY]

A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Sancho, that was the cleverest, smoothest adaptation of a joke to germaine material I've heard since Geoffrey of Monmouth farted. And tailor stately, nice one. I'm getting a bit teary eyed, my boys all grown up and making funnies of their own.

Four fonts walk into a bar and the barman says ”Oi – get out! We don’t want your type in here.”

[tailor STATELY]

Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like cantaloupe.

[Delta40]

I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them

[Lokasenna]

I went into a bar the other day and saw the mother-in-law lying on the floor, with these six big blokes hitting her with bar-stools. "Shouldn't you do something?" someone said. "No," I said, "six should be enough."

[Danik 2016]

A mother-in-law went into a bar the other day and saw a big bloke lying on the floor, with these six mothers-in-law hitting him with bar-stools. His big nose was bleeding."Shouldn't you do something?" someone said. "No," She said, "six should be enough."

[Tyrion Cheddar]

So I said to the barber "Give me a ponytail." He said: "Once upon a time there was this pony, who went down to the seaside..."

[tailor STATELY]

So I started a band called 999 Megabytes — to this day we haven’t gotten a gig yet.

[tailor STATELY]

I read this somewhere a long time ago; pardon my embellishments:

So I go to my high school reunion, NHS Class of '72 (yada yada yada), and I meet up with Jerry, a former math classmate of mine. He's obviously done very well for himself and proceeds to tell me how he became successful; a billionaire in fact. "I actually have to thank our math teachers for all my success" he said surprisingly. "Dude, you were the worst math student ever to grace our high school, how could you possibly say that ?" I asked. "Well", he said, "something must have clicked. I invented this do-hickey that everybody was hot to buy and was able to manufacture and distribute them for only a dollar each." "Yeah, well ?" I asked, still incredulous. He said "Yeah, since my costs were only a dollar each and I wanted to make a little profit I marked them up 1% and sold them for $100.00, and dude!, they sold like hotcakes."

[Tyrion Cheddar]

My best friend is always putting himself out for me, which is great 'cause I love setting fire to him.

[tailor STATELY]

What do you get when you cross a tse-tse fly with a rock climber?

Nothing. You can't cross a vector and a scalar.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

tailor, in the land of abstruse, academic humor, you are king.

So I ate this chess set. My friend said "How was it?" I said "Stale, mate."

[Lokasenna]

How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to change the lightbulb, and one to hold the mother. I mean ladder. One to hold the ladder.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

On the M1 motorway today near Aberford, a transport vehicle carrying prisoners collided with a cement truck. Locals are warned to be on the lookout for hardened criminals.

[DATo]

"Outside of a dog a book is mans best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read." - Groucho Marx

[Booksmarts]

Three engineers are taking a cruise together when they decide to step out onto the deck for a cigarette. It turns out that none of them brought any means of lighting their smokes. After pondering their situation for a while, one of them decides to throw his cigarette overboard, thus making the whole boat a cigarette lighter

[tailor STATELY]

A man with a glass eye, two days before his scheduled visit to the proctologist, accidentally swallows his glass eye which he had placed in a glass of water while he was cleaning it. He was worried at first, but after calling his general practitioner doctor he learns he prolly won’t get sick and orders another glass eye on Amazon and soon forgets about the incident.

He arrives for his proctology exam a few days later and is called into the doctor’s examination room. After undressing, he follows the doctor's instructions and bends over. The first thing the doctor sees is his patient's glass eye staring right back at him. “What's the matter,” said the doctor, “don't you trust me?”

Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
tailor STATELY

[spikepipsqueak]

A dung beetle walks into a bar.


"Hi. Is this stool taken?"

[Tyrion Cheddar]

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, that's aboriginal.

[YesNo]

Here's something I saw at the last tourist trap I visited that I am trying to get out of my head.


Zombies eat brains. You're safe.

And here's another:


If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Exit signs are on the way out.

[tailor STATELY]

Two wrongs don't make a right... but three lefts do.

Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
tailor STATELY

[Tyrion Cheddar]

I went to a psychiatrist. He said: "As a young boy, what was your mother like?" I said: "My mother was never a young boy."

[spikepipsqueak]

A mate of mine reckons his dog will retrieve a stick from 5 kilometers away. Seems a bit far fetched to me.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

I just got a great job helping a one-armed typist when she wants to do capital letters. It's shift work.

[spikepipsqueak]

Attorney: Why are you looking to be separated?

Wife: Because he won't stop making Star Wars puns.

Husband: Divorce is strong in this one.

[prendrelemick]

I'm thinking of making coffins out of glass, How popular they'll be remains to be seen.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Before slaying you all with my next volley of wit, I wish to congratulate pren and spike for two puns which achieve that rare state of being simultaneously brilliant and awful. :ciappa:

I decided to sell my Hoover. It was just collecting dust.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics. I got bronze.

[come on, folks, let's revive this thread, eh what?]

[tailor STATELY]

I went in to a pet shop and said to the shopkeeper: “May I buy a goldfish?” The shopkeeper said, “Do you want an aquarium ?” I said, “I don’t care what its sign is.”

Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
tailor STATELY

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Conjunctivitis.com - that's a site for sore eyes.

[Danik 2016]

A politician made a plea bargain and then told his daugther: I got house arrest. It´s just that I don´t have a house anymore to be arrested in, as the State took hold of all my properties.

[Pompey Bum]

Two atoms were talking. "Oh crap!" the first one said. "I just lost an electron.

"Are you sure?" said the second.

"I'm positive!"

[Tyrion Cheddar]

So I saw this bloke playing Dancing Queen on a didgeridoo. I thought, "That's ABBA-riginal."

[Pompey Bum]

A coyote was boarding a plane while dragging along three freshly killed sheep. Just then a boarding agent stopped him and said: "Excuse me, sir. Only two carrions per passenger."

[Tyrion Cheddar]

I had a dream last night. This voice said "On your marks, get set, go!" I woke with a start.

[Pompey Bum]

A ship carrying a cargo of red paint collided with a ship carrying a cargo of purple paint. Both crews were marooned.

[spikepipsqueak]

What do you call an alligator in a vest?








An investigator. (Sorry)

[Pompey Bum]

The theif stealing tee shirts in order of size is still at large.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

So I went to the doctor, I said "Whenever I pass from one country to the next I have to get drunk." He said "You're a borderline alcoholic."

[Pompey Bum]

I went to a dance studio and asked if I could learn ballet. "I don't know," the instructor demurred. "How flexible are you?"

I said, "Well, I could make it Mondays, Wednesdays, or Fridays."

[Tyrion Cheddar]

I've got a map of Italy tattooed on my chest. I've got very sore Naples.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum, my dad, my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

[spikepipsqueak]

A dog walked into a bar and ordered a pint. The bartender said "Wow! You should join the circus!"

The dog said "Why? Do they need an electrician?"

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Black holes. I don't know what people see in them.

[spikepipsqueak]

I for one like Roman numerals.

[Pompey Bum]

I wanted to buy a camouflage jacket, but I couldn't find one.

[seerseenbyseein]

a priest, a rabbi and a blond walk into a bar. The barkeeper takes one look at them and says:"What is this, some kind of joke?"

[AuntShecky]

Here's one my aunt told me 50 years ago: A Texan walks into a lingerie shop and says to the female store clerk, "Ah'd like to buy a girdle for my wife." She says, "Do you wanna Playtex?" And he says, "Ah would, but Ah'm double-parked."

[Pompey Bum]

Heh heh. Good one, Auntie.

I thought I heard a pterodactyl going to the bathroom, but then I remembered the P is silent.

[Silas Thorne]

A rabbi hopped into the bar.
What you after? , the bartender said
I'll have a tea.

[Pompey Bum]

Incest in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.

[Pompey Bum]

I didn't think I wanted a human brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

[Redcraze]

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.

[Pompey Bum]

My parrot has chirpies. Luckily it's tweetable.

[spikepipsqueak]

What do Winnie the Pooh and Ivan the Terrible have in common?






























Same middle name.

[Pompey Bum]

Another parrot joke:

A burgler breaks into a dark house. As he is feeling his way along a hall, he hears a voice that says: "JESUS KNOWS WHAT YOU ARE DOING!" Quite taken aback, the thief fumbles in vain for a light switch. The voice returns: "JESUS KNOWS EXACTLY WHERE YOU ARE RIGHT NOW!" At last he finds the switch and flips it on. In front of him he sees a parrot in a small cage. "We're you the one talking?" the thief asks. "Yes," replies the bird. "So what's your name, then?" the thief inquires, relieved and suddenly chatty. "St. Peter," says the bird. The thief rolls his eyes at this and asks: "And what moron gave you that name?" The parrot cocks his head and says, "The same moron who named the pit bull Jesus."

[spikepipsqueak]

I once worked as part of a 2 man team on a very busy Dracula production line.

I had to make every second count.








A gang stole 20 cases of Red Bull from the local Mum and Dad milk bar.



I don't know how those bastards sleep at night.

[AuntShecky]

Here's one I read years ago in a comedy writing manual written by either Sol Sacks or Mel Herlitzer:

A couple days before Christmas as a mailman was making the rounds, a housewife snatched him off her doorstep, rushed him into her bedroom, ripped off his uniform, and made insane love to him. Then when they finished doing the nasty, she opened her wallet and handed him a five dollar bill. The mailman was understandably flabbergasted. "I appreciate all of this, Ma'am, but I don't get it. I mean, I get the sex stuff, but why did you give me money in addition?"

The woman laughed. "Oh, that's simple. This morning I asked my husband what to give you for Christmas and he said "Screw him. Give him five bucks."

[spikepipsqueak]

"A MIT linguistic professor was lecturing his class. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right.""

[AuntShecky]

I planned to leave my body to Science, but Science said it preferred cash.

[spikepipsqueak]

Welcome to Bookbinding Club. Please make yourselves a tome.

[AuntShecky]

"The waitress brought me the wrong kind of salad dressing."

"Caesar?"

"No, I just complained to the manager."

[AuntShecky]

What's the difference between Churchill Downs, Kentucky and Washington, D.C.?

(Answer): One has a lot of horse manure and the other is a thoroughbred race track.

[romiegeol]

thanks for the nice post and sad status always touch your heart whan it is in your langauge. so I always send Sad Status in Hindi to the friends and special one.

[spikepipsqueak]

How many middle names does Obi Kenobi have?




Only the Wan.

[spikepipsqueak]

My grade 3 teacher asked me to name 2 pronouns.

Wide eyed with fear I gasped "Who? Me?"

[spikepipsqueak]

How do you think the unthinkable? . . . With an ithberg.

[tantric]

a joke from soviet russia:

Q: how do we know that communism is not real science?

A: if it were real science, they would have tested it on dogs first.

ha clap ha clap ha clap

[YesNo]

Something I saw in a gift shop:


Public Notice
Due to budget cuts the light as the end of the tunnel has been turned off.
Have a nice day.

[YesNo]

Something else I saw in a gift store:


My blood type is be positive

Here's another one:


Prayer
The best way to meet the Lord
Trespassing is much faster

[YesNo]

More stuff I've seen in gift shops:


You're not fat
You're just easy to see

And another:


A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

[spikepipsqueak]

Roman 1: You won't believe how many women I've slept with.

Roman 2: mmm?

Roman 1: Don't be ridiculous, not that many.

[YesNo]

More words of wisdom found in gift shops:


I started with nothing and I still have most of it.

[spikepipsqueak]

A monastery is in financial trouble, so it goes into the fish-and-chips business to raise money.

One night a customer knocks on its door. A monk answers. The customer asks, “Are you the fish friar?”

“No,” he replies. “I’m the chip monk.”

[kiz_paws]

Ha ha ha!! :smilielol5:

So I went to the local garage to use the air hose to fill a car tire that was low on air.
When I was finished, the attendant came out and said, "That will be $5.00".
I said, "What??! You never charged for tire filling before!?"
He replied, "well, that is the cost of INFLATION"...

lol ;)

[fudgetusk]

If you are in polite company and you smell a fart simply say "Oops. Somebody left the pantry door open."

[kiz_paws]

A man arrives for his doctor's appointment on time.
He waits five minutes and isn't called.
He waits five more minutes and then goes to the receptionist and starts a rant about waiting, etc.
Just then, the doctor appeared in the hallway. He sees the harassing gentleman and tosses him a deck of cards.
The man splutters, "what the heck?"
And the doctor replies, "I'll deal with you later" ...