On the subject of my greatness...

[Tyrion Cheddar]

The purpose of this thread is to allow you folk the opportunity--long-awaited, I'm sure--to declare, proclaim, and otherwise attest to my greatness. Here, at last, you can unleash the pent up need to praise me. You're among friends, no need to feel anxious. Think of this as a sealed room in which only your kindred spirits are present, the ones who feel it deeply as you do; the ache, the longing, the swelling pressure that feels like a barrage of hamsters. At last, friends, you can let it spew.

You can say things like, "Tyrion, you certain tomcat!" or "Gosh, Tyrion, I'd no idea the Lord favored you in the naughty bits as well the brain!" Perhaps you favor the traditional: "Tyrion, without you, the sun would ne'er shine, nor the stars twinkle." Don't hold back, I know you must be twitching with it by now.

For those wishing to send me handwritten testimonies, a postal address will be provided.

[North Star]

Surely Tyrion's frivolity far exceeds that of Serious Discussions.

[qimissung]

Seriously, I will "attest to my greatness!"

[Tyrion Cheddar]

gimissung, your praise is particularly meaningful to me because, as I've just noticed, your .sig contains a Buckaroo Banzai quote that was a key part of my youth. "We are not in the eighth dimension. We are over New Jersey."

[qimissung]

I guess when you're over New Jersey, that's a sure sign you are no longer in the eighth dimension, lol.

All hail cheddar, the greatest cheese.

[Lokasenna]

All hail cheddar, the greatest cheese.

Stilton, surely?

[qimissung]

You know, I've never had Stilton. What does it taste like? In any event, I'm attesting to Trion Cheddar's greatness, not any actual cheese. Although I am very fond of sharp cheddar. I guess it is my favorite, although I mostly eat pepper jack.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Not to interrupt the flow of flattery headed in my direction, but I'm with gimissung on this--extra sharp cheddar or bust. Mind you, Lokasenna, you Brits are spoiled with that awesome gooey real cheese you have over there, and highland cheddar, wot I had up in Scotland, was among my favorites. For reasons I will never fathom, our Food & Drug Administration doesn't allow for the active bacteria, I think it is, that real cheese is meant to have, so it isn't as good; also, what you can generally buy is more like plastic, made by insipid companies that have neither pride nor, most likely, discernible reproductive equipment. I did have loads of good cheeses over in the UK and would love to again. I could talk about cheese at length, perhaps I'll start a thread for it; for now though, ladies and germs, pray do get back to impassioned expressions of your admiration for me.

[Lokasenna]

You know, I've never had Stilton. What does it taste like?

It is sharp, pungent and aggressive, yet somehow entirely heaven-sent. Eating a piece of Stilton is like being punched in the face by an angel.


Not to interrupt the flow of flattery headed in my direction, but I'm with gimissung on this--extra sharp cheddar or bust. Mind you, Lokasenna, you Brits are spoiled with that awesome gooey real cheese you have over there, and highland cheddar, wot I had up in Scotland, was among my favorites.

Cheddar is excellent, of course, and you are quite correct to say that sharper is better. Although proper cheddar should, naturally, come from Cheddar itself, I must admit that I have a thing for a good Welsh matured cheddar - nostalgia gets the better of me!

I think I'll head over to the cheese thread now...

[Tyrion Cheddar]

It is sharp, pungent and aggressive, yet somehow entirely heaven-sent. Eating a piece of Stilton is like being punched in the face by an angel.

You see, Lokasenna, here again you dazzle and seduce me with your wordsmithery. Heaven-sent...Like being punched in the face by an angel...You and me on a heart-shaped bed in a cheap motel with mirrors on the ceiling...Let me slip into that sheer nighty you like me in...

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Cheddar is excellent, of course, and you are quite correct to say that sharper is better. Although proper cheddar should, naturally, come from Cheddar itself

Oh and yes, the fact that you have an actual town called Cheddar, its birthplace, and can go there and bask in the cheddarness, gives you Britons some serious bragging rights. That and your page 3 girls.

[YesNo]

I just checked the map. There really is a place called Cheddar. It is to the southwest of the Mendip Hills Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty.

[The Comedian]

Eating a piece of Stilton is like being punched in the face by an angel.

This may be the greatest sentence that I've read on Litnet.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

This may be the greatest sentence that I've read on Litnet.

No doubt, hence my offering Lokasenna my virtue.

[Delta40]

Shropshire blue though its hard to come by in the Antipodes.

Are you superbly short Tyrion?

[prendrelemick]

Shouldn't that be Gratedness - being so cheesy an'all?

[Lokasenna]

This may be the greatest sentence that I've read on Litnet.

I do my best to please.


No doubt, hence my offering Lokasenna my virtue.

Aw, you only love me for the size of my... vocabulary.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Shropshire blue though its hard to come by in the Antipodes.

Are you superbly short Tyrion?

What? I've never heard it called that, but I like the sound of it. If you're headed in the direction of comparing me to Napoleon or some of history's other great and vain shorties, though, with the implication being that reference to my greatness is rooted in insecurity regarding my stature, pray don't. For a start, my greatness has been measured precisely by physicists from the University of Chicago using a Cray supercomputer. Furthermore, I've been asked by the local supermarket to please stay home, due to the fainting of female customers when I walk in. So, you see, I've no vanity and my greatness is beyond question.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Shouldn't that be Gratedness - being so cheesy an'all?

A pint to prendrelemick, barkeep.

[mona amon]

A great thread, at all events. Here's to you, Tyrion! :cheers2:

[YesNo]

If you're headed in the direction of comparing me to Napoleon or some of history's other great and vain shorties

After searching it looks like Napoleon was 5 feet 6 inches tall.

[Delta40]

What? I've never heard it called that, but I like the sound of it. If you're headed in the direction of comparing me to Napoleon or some of history's other great and vain shorties, though, with the implication being that reference to my greatness is rooted in insecurity regarding my stature, pray don't. For a start, my greatness has been measured precisely by physicists from the University of Chicago using a Cray supercomputer. Furthermore, I've been asked by the local supermarket to please stay home, due to the fainting of female customers when I walk in. So, you see, I've no vanity and my greatness is beyond question.

Where's my smelling salts? Get me my fan! Forgive me, I underestimated you. Have some cheese?

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Where's my smelling salts? Get me my fan! Forgive me, I underestimated you. Have some cheese?

Ta, thanks. Earl Grey? It's Twinings.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

A great thread, at all events. Here's to you, Tyrion! :cheers2:

Thank you, mona. Please join me and Delta40 for tea. There are fresh scones coming and real clotted cream.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

I notice this thread has gotten awfully quiet. I'll admit I am fair aggrieved. For I felt confident there'd be many a "Tyrion, you look just like the poet Byron, only even more handsome, and with thicker hair." Or "Tyrion, the mere whiff of you is enough to awaken my senses, and wilt lilies." I fear some of you are still tentative, wavering on the brink of making a compliment, then pulling back out; but I assure you, friends, only joy will be yours.

[YesNo]

Silence is sometimes golden. I was trying to make up a limerick in your honor but I keep getting stuck. So far this is all I've got.

Tyrion Cheddar is great
And modest and honest, no, wait!
Above all the rest
He truly is best

and now I just need a last line.

[prendrelemick]

something something his fate!
or
he's been slated, feted and grated of late.

[YesNo]

he's been slated, feted and grated of late.

That one might work! Especially the grated part. But do people "grate" cheddar cheese? I just slice it and put it on bread. I suppose if one put it on a pizza one would grate it, but I thought people put softer stuff like mozzarella on pizza.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

I tip my cap to you, YesNo, for your wonderful limerick, to which prendrelemick provided such an awesome last line. I hadn't hoped for such effort on my behalf; now I feel l should send you both a fruit basket. And I buy shredded cheddar in the supermarket, so if you can shred it, I suppose you can grate it. Also, I'm really hungry 'cause that one mini bagel I et didn't do the trick. Off I go to have another.

[Calidore]

YesNo: When sliced thickly and served on a plate.

[YesNo]

YesNo: When sliced thickly and served on a plate.

That works, too!

Tyrion Cheddar is great
And modest and honest, no, wait!
Above all the rest
He truly is best
When sliced thickly and served on a plate.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Outstanding! You guys really are the most. I am privileged to have fiends like you. I mean friends. Now, why not praise my manly nose or finely shaped buttocks?

[Lokasenna]

Then out spake noble Tyrion,
The Captain of the Cheddar:
"Of every man upon this earth,
I am the overt header.
And I am trusted wide and far,
Like a sailor 'mid the futtocks,
For the majesty of my nose
And the wideness of my buttocks."

(With apologies to Lord Macaulay)

[North Star]

Such an aroma never arose
Which Tyrion Cheddar failed
to detect with his giant nose,

Except from the man's own
rear quarters - the air was
pure and nobody did frown.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

<blushes> I don't know what to say guys. I feel all girlish and new. Which one of you is going to pin the corsage on me? Also, thanks, Lokasenna, for teaching me the word futtocks, which sounds too goofy to be real but I looked it up and it is. Not surprising that a descendent of seafaring peeps from and island nation would know that--and I wouldn't.

[Lokasenna]

Also, thanks, Lokasenna, for teaching me the word futtocks, which sounds too goofy to be real but I looked it up and it is. Not surprising that a descendent of seafaring peeps from and island nation would know that--and I wouldn't.

I was, I must admit, somewhat struggling for a rhyme for 'buttocks'...

My father was, once upon a time, a naval man - but I was introduced to the term 'futtock' through the peerless radio programme Round the Horne, and the character of J. Peasemold Gruntfuttock, the world's dirtiest dirty old man.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

I was, I must admit, somewhat struggling for a rhyme for 'buttocks'...

My father was, once upon a time, a naval man - but I was introduced to the term 'futtock' through the peerless radio programme Round the Horne, and the character of J. Peasemold Gruntfuttock, the world's dirtiest dirty old man.

Marvelous. I must now search for this. Meanwhile, I looked up Lord Macaulay on wikipedia, and in the course of reading about him found this quote of his: "It is, I believe, no exaggeration to say that all the historical information which has been collected from all the books written in the Sanskrit language is less valuable than what may be found in the most paltry abridgement used at preparatory schools in England." What a magnanimous and broadminded man. A paragon, an exemplar, a standard 'gainst which all of us should be compared.

(NB: The foregoing may possibly have contained sarcasm. Maybe.)