Searching for help - Waiting for Sunshine

[iWhiTeX]

Hey there.
Im searching for general improvements of my storys plot and expression.
I wrote a story for the mother of my dead best friend because she wanted memories of him from me.
Please dont critizise on my english. Im trying my best. My friend was english so i wrote
the story in english too. Thank you for your support.


Waiting for Sunshine
We were sitting in my room as always when he came to visit me.Me at my computer and he at his laptop, we were playing through the night without getting tired at all - only bored.
It was a grey day, it was raining outside, we couldhear the raindrops falling on the roof over the stairs to my room outside. We wereplaying the same game as always.
If you'd walk into the room, you only would hearKeyboardmashing sounds and Mouseclicks, occasionally screams at each other what thef*ck we just have done and how it threw the game. After a game i'd usually stand upto stretch myself a little.

'' Well that was a fun game, wasn't it '', i said in aironic tone that only my best friend would understand.
'' Oh yeah it was. You playedso well, why dont you delete that game right off your computer now ''
I pretended that i didnt hear him. '' We should sleep now, Im tired as ****, and since your motheralways is punctual, you should try for once to not start packing your stuff aftershe just arrived to let her wait, you should treat your mother better anyways, shedoes everything for you and you are just ... rude?'', I said.
He was always screamingat his mother and she discussed with him about nonsense stuff. They got into fights so easily and I didnt even get why. My best friend had no respect you would think now.But i know he has alot of respect for her, he just couldnt show it properly.
'' Haha very funny. Care for your own business, I can treat her as much as I want.Shes a kind of my slave anyways '' he smiled at me knowing I wouldnt find that funny.
I rolled with my eyes. '' You know what Im thinking anyways, I dont have to say anything ''''
Oh yes I do, but you do too. Yeah Ill do it ''
He put out the light and I layed down in my bed, thinking of tommorrow. Tommorrow would be Sunday. I hate Saturdays because I alwayshave the thought of tomorrow being the end of the week and therefore making myself a littlestressed. I closed my eyes. Everytime when I went to bed, he still watched some videos on hisLaptop. It would always take me some time to sleep because he kept yelling stuff like.'' Oh he didnt just do this '' or '' Are you stupid?? '' I tried to focus on the raindropsheard a thunder in the distance. I fell asleep.

The morning was the same as always. Me waking up first, going up in the Kitchen to grab acup of coffee. I sometimes throw a swordshaped linear to wake him up but I decided notto. I opened up the Window and went to the Bathroom. When I came back he was already awakeand looking at his phone for some news or a new message from his crush. I knew he had one, but he wouldnt tell me anyways who it is. We didnt tell us explicit names and stuff we justtalk about it and how it is going. It was sunny outside, but I could smell that It has rainedthrough the night. '' After a rain, there always will be sun '' i thought. When his mother arrived he went upstairs to wait 20 minutes because our mothers wont stop talking about stuff ... mothers talk about. After he was away, I went to my room to clean it up. After that, i just had my Sunday. Doing nothing,or occasionally learn for a test which we'd write on the next day. When I got to school I only saw him rarely - we only had one course together. Boring schoolday after all,but when the Sportlesson ended, I was quite happy to have done anything today. It has gotten dark already.I was standing above some stairs when I saw him.
'' Hey how are you doing? '' i asked. He didnt hear meI thought, I didnt mind.
'' Hey, Idiot! Whats up? '', I screamed. I had to try to not laugh how many peopleturned around and therefore listening to ''Idiot'' He turned around and looked at me. Something was wrong.He stared at me. His face was different, it wasnt as happy as I know it. It looked like he didnt smile at all today. His face said '' leave me alone '' So I did. On the next day I had that one course with him.Of course he was sitting next to me. He came into the classroom with a even worse look than on the daybefore. He sat down next to me without a word. I turned around.
'' Hey.. wha-'' He looked at me.

''Can't you just shut up?'', he whispered with a terrifying tone, '' Dont go on my nerves, Idiot. ''.
Even thoughI am pretty calm about such things, I couldnt just take it.
'' If you're having a bad day, dontlet it out on people who arent involved.'', I answered louder than I should.
''You dont know ****. Donttry to be a Psychologic!'', he was whispering again, with a trembling voice.
''I didnt. Oh Boohoo, what happened?What are you crying about?'', I said. The teacher stopped talking and looked at me.
'' If you want to talk, go outside of the room. Whats the matter`? ''
'' We were discussing about the mathematical problem there, right? '', poking mewith his elbow.
'' Wow, more cliche please.'' he stepped on my foot. '' Yeah..of course '', i said to the teacher.'' He wasnt believing us, but he didnt mind to continue any further, so he continued with his lesson. I tried to find conversation, but he blocked it. I was furious.


After school I messaged him.
'' What was that all about ?''.
After a while he wrote: '' I hate it when you are so goddamn nosy! Leave me alone! ''. I didnt know why he was like this now, but I couldnt take it any longer.
'' You know? I always try to not get in a fight with your because it happens too often! But you know what, screw that. I dont care whats up with you anymore. You keep insulting me and you dont even tell me why. If you dont tell, I dont ****ing care. Noone does if you behave like this. You can write me if you calmed yourself down a little. ''
He didnt write back anymore.


I wasnt sure if he even read the message. I looked outside. '' It may start raining '', i thought. I wasnt too afraid of our fight, we fought sometimes. We were best friends. We've gone through so much together. We've done everything. We went together on vacations. He had courses together since the 5th class. Although we didnt like each other always. We hated us, we thought, but we didnt. I always thought, '' man this guy is so annoying, but somehow I like him '' We got friends and finally best friends. That one day in the vacation, we were going on a bycicle around the beach. We felt the wind in our hair. We felt so timeless and had no care in the world. I lost a huge sigh.
''I should apologize to him..I'll ask him if he wants to come over and play some videogames. Ill apologize tommorrow ''. I sat down, happy now, at my computer and played some games. When I played i felt something. I didnt know w
hat It was. It felt like a rush of excitement. I was playing a game, i thought, maybe Im just having fun and I dont realize it. After the game I went upstairs to get myself something to eat. ''Tommorrow ill have to go to school and it is 11pm. Well i dont care..Ill just - '' My monologue was interrupted by the telephone ringing.
'' Who the hell calls me at this time, this can only be..'' I looked at the screen, it was his name. I took the phone with a great smile. '' Hello, I want to tell you that - '',
The smile vanished. It wasnt him. I only heard his crying mother.

And I'm still waiting for the sun to come.

[108 fountains]

Well, you're going to have to break it into paragraphs. There's no way I (or anyone else) is going to read through 60 or 70 lines of text with any breaks.
To start with, when their is dialogue, you need to begin a new paragraph every time there is a change in speaker.

[iWhiTeX]

done :)

[108 fountains]

It must have been difficult for you to write this as it obviously is very emotional for you. I think you have a good beginning.

You requested no criticism on your English, and that’s fine; I understand you want comments on the content. However, since you are writing about a very personal event for you, it’s difficult for me to make suggestions/comments, but here are a couple of thoughts:

In your intro, you said this is being written for your friend’s mother who wanted memories of him from you, so I would suggest limiting your story to that - memories of you and your friend. But in the second paragraph, you wrote “'…you should treat your mother better anyways, she does everything for you and you are just ... rude?''', I said. He was always screaming at his mother and she discussed with him about nonsense stuff. They got into fights so easily…” -- You might want to consider deleting that entire passage. A mother-son relationship is a very complex thing - you have your own perspective of your friend’s relationship with his mother, one that seems more negative than positive. It might or might not be correct, but for sure it cannot be complete. In any case, I would just suggest you look at this passage and ask yourself if this is something you really want your friend’s mother to read.

Similarly, it’s up to you of course, but ask yourself how your friend’s mother will feel when she reads things like “occasionally screams at each other what thef*ck we just have done…” and “’ ''You dont know ****…”

Anyway, it seems to me that you have two things going on here - an attempt to share memories for your friend’s mother and also an attempt to write about your friend as a kind of catharsis for yourself - that’s ok and is probably inevitable. But remember that any writing will improve if you re-read, revise, put it aside a couple of days, and then re-read and revise again. In this case, I would also suggest that when you re-read and revise it, you should keep in mind that the purpose of it is to share with your friend’s mother.