Loneliness--how do you deal with it?

[Tyrion Cheddar]

I am a loner, as well as intensely lonely, at least some of the time. I have led a solitary existence, and then some, owing to my nature, but anyone needs some company, some socialization, and some intimacy.

Dealing with other people, generally, has always been extremely difficult for me, and isolation has proved both prudent and necessary. It suits me, anyway, as I say, but when you know you have great trouble being around people, and managing relationships with them, and you feels those pangs of loneliness, how do you reach out to others in hopes of forming new bonds, how do you find the right people for it, and how do you prevent the repeat of past mishap in interactions with other people?

I was hoping that with this thread, those in a similar situation to mine could share their experiences and possible coping strategies they've come up with. Call it a support group for brighter than average people of fairly high education who tend to be loners. How's that for a name that just rolls off your tongue. :arf:

[Darcy88]

I'm a loner too. And I've resigned myself to being a loner. I seem to often prefer the characters in books to actual people. I love actual people, almost to a fault, but I seem to lack social skills, am much similar to persons with aspergers even though I have not been diagnosed with that particular affliction.

The best way to get used to being around people is to actually be around them. Start spending time in cafes. Go for walks. Eventually their presence will no longer feel like a foreign missile and you will have been cured by what they now term "socialization."

Even if you're silent in those cafes for a while and you never say "hello" to anybody on those walks, the time will come when you do talk to others in those cafes and you do say "hello" to people while on those walks.

There are other places and activities in which you can implement this method of socialization but what I just described is the simplest.

[Emil Miller]

This is a subject that has received some attention in the UK media recently and appears to be more widespread than is normally accepted.
I think one has to make the distinction of lonely and the desire to be alone when describing 'loners'.
Making friends and acquaintances is one way we try too make sense of the world when we are young and we feel lonely if we are unable to do so, but with the onset of age and experience we often find other people's presence unwelcome or even irksome.
Some may become alienated in childhood through a bad experience with other children that forces them to keep people at bay throughout adulthood.
Personally, although I had the usual group of friends from schooldays on, there was always a side to me that was intensely private so that while 'taking part' there was another me looking in from the outside and drawing an individual as opposed to a group opinion: to that extent I was also a 'loner'.
It's an interesting fact that massively increased communication through new technology has caused many people to become isolated from each other as they sit before their computers or speak via a mobile phone or some other gadget. They may not feel lonely on a high tech level but on a human level they are very much alone.

[YesNo]

I don't usually think of myself as being lonely. I do have a family to keep myself busy. However, it occurred to me last weekend in the theater with my wife that there was really no need to silence my phone. No one was going to call. Not that I wanted anyone to call. I silenced it anyway.

People are a source of manipulation especially through blame and shame and deception. Being alone is a way to protect oneself. Being humorous is another way to put up a barrier to others, but that takes social skills most people don't have. Outright indifference to what others do or say may be another and is easier to practice, but it leads to loneliness since it leads to not engaging with others.

Keeping busy by serving others may be the best way to protect oneself. In Hesse's "The Journey to the East" Leo mentions "the law of service". I mention Hesse because I know you admire this author, Tyrion Cheddar.

[Lokasenna]

I suppose I am a loner too, insofar as I enjoy my own company. I dislike labels, but I do remember reading an article about personality types and realising that I have a lot in common with the 'introvert' type. The main issue, for me at least, is that I'm incapable of relaxing in company with others - being with other people, even people I love, drains my batteries. Spending time with friends is good fun, but I usually permit myself a sigh of relief when they go home. I really do need quiet time, when I'm on my own, to rest.

I don't do small-talk very well, though I can be gregarious in company - I'm capable of forcing myself to be social, though at some cost. So I wouldn't say I feel lonely (or, at least, not often), and to some extent I enjoy my alone time.

That said, now that I've left university there is a part of me that worries that I won't be able to find friends with similar ideas of what constitutes enjoyable matter for discussion - an evening discussing literature, politics or philosophy is excellent, but an evening discussing the football is my idea of hell.

[prendrelemick]

Who said; "Hell is other people?"

I strongly feel the attraction of being on my own, for all the reasons Lokasenna mentioned. In my work (Farmer) I don't need to actually meet anybody for months apart. I don't think I would bother to go out and seek company ever. If I hadn't somehow got married and had kids I would be a wild, hairy recluse living a much narrower life - but not unhappy in my ignorance of anything else.

[Helga]

I agree with both prendrelmick and Lokasenna in many ways. I love being alone and if I didn't have a kid I would probably spend most of my days in solitude. As much as I love my son, I always look forward to the weekends he spends with his dad and I can be alone for 3 days. I sometimes don't talk to anyone from Friday to Monday.

I do like my alone time, and in many ways I need it, I would go crazy if I had to converse with people all day long. It can of course be lonely at times too but the perks are more to being a bit of loner than the faults. I have even thought about the fact that even though I may someday meet someone, a partner of sorts, I am not sure I would like to live with another person (other than my son of course).

Now that being said I am working on my social anxieties, for that has been a bit of an issue with me since I was a kid cause I do want the option of being open to meeting people, but on my terms. I have made progress and I can only say I owe that to my therapist, so as a solution to the loner, lonely issue in my book it's getting help from a therapist.

as I am writing this my brother called, I had planned to have lunch in the university cafeteria with him, and he asked if I wanted to come and meet him and a few other people for a break, I immediately said no cause of the group. I can't handle that. So what do I know.

[Ecurb]

I have nothing against being alone, but I like people. Like lokasenna, I don't like (or make) small talk. Nonetheless, any subject-- even football -- can be interesting if the people discussing it have good taste in conversation. "Small talk" is boring because it involves merely recapping the dull events of the day, or of the week. But gossiping about friends, neighbors and acquaintances is endlessly fascinating. What, after all, is more interesting than people?

The reason that football (and other forms of small talk) is dull is not intrinsic to the subject. Instead, it is due to the fact that some people who don't know how to make interesting conversation seek subjects of common interest (like football or events of the day). They seem to think that this is sufficient for social intercourse, and, to some extent, they are right. I don't enjoy hearing about how a friend just went to the dentist (I hope I never talk about that), but showing at least a minimal interest in the everyday details of friends' lives oils the wheels of friendship.

Of course any topic is more interesting if one is sufficiently knowledgeable to be an active participant. Listening to experts discuss a book one hasn't read palls, after a while. But good conversationalists are sufficiently adept to involve others -- even when talking about things the others know little about. Let's face it: we all like to discuss literature here -- but not every post or thread is fascinating. That depends (in large part) on the skill, taste, and talent of the poster.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

I'm a loner too. And I've resigned myself to being a loner. I seem to often prefer the characters in books to actual people. I love actual people, almost to a fault, but I seem to lack social skills, am much similar to persons with aspergers even though I have not been diagnosed with that particular affliction.

Thanks, Darcy, and to all of you who've responded. One day I checked and there were no replies, next day lots. I'd like to respond to each one individually, if I may.

Like you, Darcy, I am more at ease with the characters in books, or in paintings, or even in anime, occasionally, and relate to them more naturally than to most living persons. In addition, I'm aware that with fictional characters, there is a comfortable absence of both social anxiety and what one might called "bewilderment"--my lifelong inability to comprehend the thoughts and behavior of the people around me. This is part of what makes me more comfortable with my own thoughts, or those of select persons through media like this, or in fiction.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

This is a subject that has received some attention in the UK media recently and appears to be more widespread than is normally accepted.
I think one has to make the distinction of lonely and the desire to be alone when describing 'loners'.
Making friends and acquaintances is one way we try too make sense of the world when we are young and we feel lonely if we are unable to do so, but with the onset of age and experience we often find other people's presence unwelcome or even irksome.
Some may become alienated in childhood through a bad experience with other children that forces them to keep people at bay throughout adulthood.
Personally, although I had the usual group of friends from schooldays on, there was always a side to me that was intensely private so that while 'taking part' there was another me looking in from the outside and drawing an individual as opposed to a group opinion: to that extent I was also a 'loner'.
It's an interesting fact that massively increased communication through new technology has caused many people to become isolated from each other as they sit before their computers or speak via a mobile phone or some other gadget. They may not feel lonely on a high tech level but on a human level they are very much alone.

Boy, Emil, you hit on some important points here. First, in starting this thread, I wanted to make precisely the distinction you begin with, between being alone and being a loner, not just because the two are not the same, but in an effort to validate being a loner. This latter point stems from my increasing realization of late that that is just my nature, rather than my lifelong isolation being mainly down to imagined failings on my part. Indeed, this relates directly to your other point, Emil, about the urgency during youth of the social need, which abates with time and leaves one increasingly at peace on one's own--and often disturbed by the presence of others. Thus my now accepting quite comfortably my loner nature. Like you, too, during school days I was always alone within even during group activities. That remains true.

And now, in honor of this celebration of the loner, I give you this favorite old song of the same name by Bruce Cockburn, a beloved Canadian singer-songwriter who's influenced me deeply since my youth, and I think another true loner.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=alT19_AzXFU

[Tyrion Cheddar]

I don't usually think of myself as being lonely. I do have a family to keep myself busy. However, it occurred to me last weekend in the theater with my wife that there was really no need to silence my phone. No one was going to call. Not that I wanted anyone to call. I silenced it anyway.

People are a source of manipulation especially through blame and shame and deception. Being alone is a way to protect oneself. Being humorous is another way to put up a barrier to others, but that takes social skills most people don't have. Outright indifference to what others do or say may be another and is easier to practice, but it leads to loneliness since it leads to not engaging with others.

Keeping busy by serving others may be the best way to protect oneself. In Hesse's "The Journey to the East" Leo mentions "the law of service". I mention Hesse because I know you admire this author, Tyrion Cheddar.

Thank you, YesNo. Yes, "The Journey to the East" is on my list. ;-) Funny, your second paragraph immediately put me in mind of Sir Anthony Hopkins. He is a famous loner, and bipolar sufferer and has, I think, other problems. I saw him interviewed about this once and he said "people are deceitful" in a certain way, one which indicated both his being extremely jaded regarding others, probably deeply wounded from past experience, and leery of getting too close to them.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

I suppose I am a loner too, insofar as I enjoy my own company. I dislike labels, but I do remember reading an article about personality types and realising that I have a lot in common with the 'introvert' type. The main issue, for me at least, is that I'm incapable of relaxing in company with others - being with other people, even people I love, drains my batteries. Spending time with friends is good fun, but I usually permit myself a sigh of relief when they go home. I really do need quiet time, when I'm on my own, to rest.

I don't do small-talk very well, though I can be gregarious in company - I'm capable of forcing myself to be social, though at some cost. So I wouldn't say I feel lonely (or, at least, not often), and to some extent I enjoy my alone time.

That said, now that I've left university there is a part of me that worries that I won't be able to find friends with similar ideas of what constitutes enjoyable matter for discussion - an evening discussing literature, politics or philosophy is excellent, but an evening discussing the football is my idea of hell.

Another great response. Thank you, Lok. Introvert, yes. Funny, it strikes me that's a word we used to hear a lot more than we do nowadays, I actually don't think I've heard it in a while. I suppose now it's all diagnostic terms, not that these are inaccurate, just that I like the poetic, too. But certainly being one whose gaze is turned inwards on a permanent basis, and deeply so, is hardly unrelated to being a loner.

Like you, Lok, spending time with others drains me terribly and always has. This includes family. Indeed, when they leave, or I do, I breathe that great sigh of relief. Also, do you know what I was thinking about today, something I've noticed a lot lately? Smell. Yep, there it it. When you spend essentially all your time alone, especially if you're a fresh air fiend like me who always has the windows open, as soon as you're in an enclosed setting with a group you start to pick up on both the odors (not necessarily foul ones, just the natural odors of the body) and the body heat of others. When this happens I become uncomfortable and just want to get out of there. Funny how the body-mind becomes acclimated to the "purity" of the air in the absence of others.

Likewise, I have never been able to do small talk. I read in a Michio Kaku books that Sir Isaac Newton was literally incapable of it. I'll take that as a compliment. ;-) Finally, as one who left college a long time ago, where I had the luxury of the conversation of those who, I would slowly come to discover in later years, were well above the norm in both intelligence and learning, and who shared much of my general disposition and artistic and intellectual interests, I fear your final concern may come all too true. I have tried so hard, especially reaching out online to find peers, with very little luck. This is why, quite honestly, this very site is such a godsend.

[TheFifthElement]

Tyrion, I think your post raises some really interesting points. Whole books could be written about it (and have been, no doubt). I associate with many of the posters here, in that I take comfort from being alone, yet my work means that I have had to develop mechanisms for interacting with others in a way which is, at least, moderately influential. It is something I am still working on. I too am an introvert, but I think it’s important to recognise that introversion is a reflection of where you gain your strength – internally or externally – rather than a reflection of lonerism or isolationism. Someone can be an introvert and have ‘good social skills’ (more on this), appear sociable and confident in social interactions. It is just a matter of finding how to manage this in a way helps you maintain the control and alone time that you need, balanced against getting some social interaction so that you don’t feel lonely. It’s a complex issue, I’m not sure anyone can really give you a roadmap but a degree of self-awareness and reflection may help.

I think a large part of the problem is that we’re bombarded with the image of the ‘popular’ of the ‘gregarious’ as meeting a certain, highly extraverted, mould. So there is a certain pressure to be entertaining, outgoing and talkative which many people who are reflective or quiet or insular in nature will find a barrier to social interaction. I don’t think it’s a real barrier, but it takes some effort to overcome the feeling that you are socially inadequate in some way. This, I think, makes people feel like they have ‘poor’ social skills when in fact this is not the case. We have a distorted idea of what good looks like. Actually I find a lot of that behaviour is self-serving, it is about the individual and their ego and a need for approval. I find it in many ways, quite sad. Often I wonder if the person larking around entertainingly surrounded by a gaggle of admiring people isn’t the loneliest person in the room. Because it is superficial interaction. It lacks intimacy and connection, the most meaningful form of human interaction (more on this also).

I empathise with Lokasenna’s comments about small talk and not being a person who likes football. Again, I think this is a symptom of a distorted societal view of what social skills look like. It is something I have struggled with, also not having an interest in football or those kinds of things. One of the things I’ve learned is that it doesn’t really matter, you just need to try and think about it in a different way. Small talk, the inconsequential chatter in bars and cafes, is a filtering system. It’s a way of learning enough about the other person in a non-threatening way to determine if they are a person that you’d like to get to know better, who could become a friend (rather than an acquaintance). I think one of the problems those who are more reflective have is that they are desperate to get to deep conversation, the connection, by shortcutting this initial filtering process. Consequently if someone starts talking about football, they switch off. They think ‘this bores me’ and instantly dismiss the other person as not being someone who is likely to interest them. But in reality, with your true friends, there will be many subjects on which they have different opinions or things they like that you don’t like. It doesn’t really matter. These are the superficial things. It helps, I think, if you try to forget about connecting on subject matters and interests and think about the purpose of social interaction – which is about the person. Who is that person? How do you find that out? So if someone starts to talk about football, instead of feeling that you have to match them on the subject it is easy enough to admit that you don’t follow football but instead you might explore what it is about football that enthuses them. This could easily lead you to a more intimate conversation about their relationship with their Dad, or an old boyfriend, something on which it is much easier to connect with on a personal level. Maybe they feel like they have to like football in order to make friends. Think of the small talk, whatever subject it is, as a door which you need a key to unlock in order to find the treasure hidden inside. The key to unlocking the door is a well-placed question. ‘How did you develop your love of football?’, ‘What is it about it you like?’ ‘Why that team and not this one?’ ‘Who is your favourite player?’ ‘What is it you admire about them?’

Suddenly the pressure to talk, to be entertaining, is off. This is something that reflective, introverted people do really well. If you ask a few interested questions you allow the person to reveal themselves. Now you are no longer required to entertain, to be entertaining, to talk about your life. The other person can open up to you, and you can allow (or not) a greater intimacy to develop. If you hone your listening, questioning skills I think this is a great way of getting past the fear of saying the wrong thing or being boring or needing to be entertaining or interesting. It is not about you, but about finding out about them. People are interesting. What enthuses and motivates them is interesting. Reflective people are amazing at creating that space in which people can reveal themselves and intimacy can develop. If you find you don’t like them, it is easy enough to move on. Think about your strengths, rather than your perceived weaknesses, and think about how you can strategically employ that in a social environment to your advantage. It may take some preparation, but a well-placed, interested question is more powerful than any joke or entertaining story in my experience. I think it is easy to think of small talk and socialising as superficial, dishonest. I know this is how I have felt about it, and it is one of the things I am working on. If you can shift your thinking on this it makes it easier to see it for what it is, a way of filtering through the billions of people out there to find the few you will call your friends (or find a way to have functioning and positive working relationships, in my case). And you might be able to be friends with millions of them, but really you only have time and energy to devote to a handful. It’s about finding the people who you think you can reasonably devote that energy to.

If you haven’t read it, I highly recommend Alain de Botton’s ‘How Proust Can Save Your Life’. It has some excellent advice in this regard.

Intimacy is the other interesting point that you raised. I believe intimacy, rather than social interaction, is what most people desire. For someone who enjoys their alone time, intimacy is the sustaining interaction that makes the difference between being alone and being lonely. Intimacy takes time to develop, it requires vulnerability and a willingness to be flawed which most people find extremely difficult. Yet here I think those who are introspective have a real strength because they do not seek superficial interactions, they seek intimacy. It may be with one person or two, but rarely more than that. So if you can find a way to operate your filtering system, you are naturally pre-disposed to create intimate relationships. In fact you positively desire it. Introspective people tend to be great friends, loyal, considerate and willing to go to great efforts to maintain that friendship. That’s a valuable commodity.

If you think too hard about creating friendships, intimacy, then it can seem overwhelming. I am very lucky to be in a strong relationship which satisfies all of my intimacy needs, though I do think about what will happen if I were to lose that for some reason (death, for example). If I were going to try to replace that relationship I wouldn’t go to bars or those kinds of places but would likely take up an activity. In fact this is how I met my husband (archery). This exposes you to a limited, manageable number of people who you can interact with in a way which is not about you but the shared activity (forget what I said about football!). Then you might find that you naturally lean towards one person or another and from there maybe a friendship will develop. Maybe not. But if nothing else you may have learned some new skills along the way.

[TheFifthElement]

Another book recommendation here: Mindset by Carol S Dweck. Excellent book.

[Sancho]

Beer helps. It's been breaking down social barriers for centuries.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Thank you, Fifth Element, for taking the time to write that post, it contains worthy insights. And Sancho, I see that my faith in you is well-placed. Pithy, my man, pithy.

[Pensive]

This is one problem I am encountering in a new town where we have just around ten thousand people and very few people around my age.
I have moved here for the sake of work from a student town where I had company of good friends and what I could say would qualify as a social life.
Firstly being a student town there were lots of events going on to participate in or to just visit and get to know people. Also it was easier to find people of similar interests and taste. However living in a small town as a foreigner is a completely different experience. It is hard to find people who could speak the same language let alone finding people who I could have more in common with. It automatically secludes me out, however I am trying to take this 'loneliness' or 'seclusion' positively, it is just an opportunity to give more time to myself i.e. improve my physical health, cook better, read more, learn more and most of all to try to learn the language. Loneliness sure has its advantages, its about taking the best out of your circumstances and using it for your happiness.

[Dreamwoven]

My feelings exactly, on living in a small town in Sweden, together with my wife.

[free]

As Sancho said, beer helps. Not only beer, though. Whiskey is OK, too. :) Just joking, of course. But, when you have something in common with people, it is easy to stop feeling lonely. The problem is that I don't find people who I have much in common with. So, I am not physically lonely, but, if I may say so, spiritually. Books and reading come to me as a beautiful company, and maybe 'the go-between' for me and someone having similar tastes and interests.

[Lokasenna]

Following my latest house move, I've decided to try joining various groups and societies in order to broaden my social horizons. I've already joined a couple of class groups at the gym, as well as the local theatre group - and I'm eyeing up the local astronomy and history societies. What I've done so far, I've really enjoyed.

[Danik 2016]

I think loneliness can be of two kinds: voluntary loneliness,when you like your own company and enjoy your books, your favorite music or even a soap opera.
The second loneliness is the real one, when you crave the company of people, but can´t have it for several reasons. Like some of you I'm very ambivalent about loneliss x company.
I love to talk to congenial people but also as Lokasenna stated being among other people, even friends, drains my batteries (I couldn´t put it better) and I have to recharge them. Also I am a difficult one for dealing with people.
Remedies against loneliness? They depend on each one. Sometimes taking a walk and just meeting people on the street, the company of animals or simply being in a natural enviroment, reading and writing and more recently comunicating with people in internet. This communication is a sort of middle term between real loneliness and real company.

[Dreamwoven]

Interesting post, Danik.

[Danik 2016]

Thanks, Dreamwoven!

[Tyrion Cheddar]

I, too, am of the voluntary loneliness school. It is in my nature to seek solitude and prefer my own company, and I need silence and stillness. But on Sunday a thing happened that reminded me of the huge gaping hole that exists both in my life and in my body-mind. I went up to my parents' place for luncheon celebration of my sister's birthday. She has two daughters, one 8, one fourteen months. I played with my eight-year-old niece for a bit, which was wonderful and restorative, and then I found myself holding the baby. The warmth of her little body, the feeling and scent of her head pressed against me, holding her, I felt all my long-suppressed emotional need and physical need for warmth and affection come gushing forth and it was overwhelming, I almost started crying.

I realized then, more than in a long time, that having someone to hold, someone into whom you can pour your love and receive it in return, is more essential to one's health and happiness than I'd calculated. I like my life the way it is very much, and am terrible at human relations, especially of the intimate kind, so I don't know how I'd incorporate a relationship into my world. Also, I am fifty-one, and forming a connection at my age that has the depth of love, trust and knowledge of the other person found in a family seems improbably at best; nor do I want the broken remains of some person my age who has had several incarnations previously, has ex-husbands, kids, etc. And in any case, I'm not really interested in a relationship, rather not, I should say. I'm simply relating the experience I had of realizing the profound importance of physical warmth and affection.

[Danik 2016]

The thing about us real loners is that we grow beautiful turtle shells. Loneliness isn´t always fullfilling but it is so confortable. There are a lot of situations when you don´t have to think of other people and you get very much used to that.
Relationships are very demanding but they may be very rewarding to. In any case, when one reaches out to someone, one must be prepared to leave the confort zone, to open up and to give without knowing what is going to happen. Sometimes there are wells of love under the turtle shell. They are solidly sealed and mured in until a small incident reminds the owner that they are still there.

[Dreamwoven]

grow beautiful turtle shells - that's nicely put!

[Tyrion Cheddar]

The thing about us real loners is that we grow beautiful turtle shells. Loneliness isn´t always fullfilling but it is so confortable. There are a lot of situations when you don´t have to think of other people and you get very much used to that.
Relationships are very demanding but they may be very rewarding to. In any case, when one reaches out to someone, one must be prepared to leave the confort zone, to open up and to give without knowing what is going to happen. Sometimes there are wells of love under the turtle shell. They are solidly sealed and mured in until a small incident reminds the owner that they are still there.

Beautifully expressed and true--and thank you for alerting me to the word mure. ;-)

[Danik 2016]

You´re welcome! Sometimes I`m not so sure about some words. I´m not native in English, but some words just keep coming up.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Yeah, and I didn't know Pindorama was a real place, but I just looked it up and discovered you are Brazilian. For some reason I was thinking you were German.

[Danik 2016]

Well, I didn´t expect to be find out so easily.:D Yea that´s right, I am Brazilian. Pindorama is one of the mythical names of Brazil, but, I just found out, it is also a city in the state of São Paulo. But I don´t live there, I live in the capital, São Paulo.
You probably thought I was German, because of my signature. Both my parents came from Germany and that´s why I speak the language.

[Dreamwoven]

And while we are on language, the word immured comes from French for wall.

[Danik 2016]

And while we are on language, the word immured comes from French for wall.
In Portuguese too, wall= muro. I think that is why I used it.

[Dreamwoven]

Yes, to be immured was to be walled in, I believe it was a form of punishment in olden days.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Yes, to be immured was to be walled in, I believe it was a form of punishment in olden days.

Yes, although punishment seems like an understatement. Incomprehensibly horrifying form of capital punishment might be more fitting. ;-)

[Danik 2016]

[QUOTE=Tyrion Cheddar;1313656]Yes, although punishment seems like an understatement. Incomprehensibly horrifying form of capital punishment might be more fitting. ;-)[/QUOTE

Well, our poor emotions don´t deserve this horrible kind of punishment!:cryin::cryin:

[Dreamwoven]

I agree, its a horrible way to end a life.

[OrphanPip]

I used to get quite lonely in the past. However, now that I've been with my spouse/partner for 3-4 years I don't think I've had many moments alone in a long while. I'm always either surrounded by my students or co-workers. When I get home I spend all my time with my partner doing stuff together. I may be less lonely but I can tell you I get a lot less reading done than I'd like.

[Dreamwoven]

Yes, its all a trade-off. I miss listening to music and playing instruments.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

You're experience, OrphanPip, is one of the main reasons I don't seek a relationship. To say that I value my solitude is a whopping great understatement. The silence, the stillness, having a place that only I inhabit, and which is far from the madding crowd; plus I never feel like myself when other people are around, I become distanced and alienated from myself.

The one great disadvantage, of course, is not having a warm girl to hold at night, and whose body parts I may squeeze, prod, poke and investigate whenever the mood strikes. I have high hopes for virtual reality, not yet but in five to ten years. I truly believe that eventually it will provide a viable and satisfying solution to a lot of the loneliness and sexual frustration people feel, especially loners. Plus, I will at last be able to have it off with those anime girls with the saucer shaped eyes and the enormous...uh...<cough> What I meant to say was, um...Oh, never mind.

[Helga]

wow, Tyrion, a girl to 'prod, poke and investigate'.... not to mention the rest of that post, doesn't sound ideal for most human girls...

That being said, I hate having people close to me, even when my kid crawls into my bed with his cold toes, I put up with it but I can't say I'm a fan.

I of course don't live alone, I live with three unruly boys, two very hairy (and sometimes smelly) and one offspring. 'daddy weekends' are a gift when I am one boy short. I of course don't want to be without my son in general, but alone time is wonderful, and I certainly don't want more kids.

I can't say I don't want a relationship someday but I think I have gotten very difficult to live with and I value my space a lot so I am not looking for a relationship for sure.

[Danik 2016]

This theme of demanding relationships reminds me of a Portuguese article I read some time ago. No poking urges where mentioned, but it was about a guy that ended his marriage because it was driving him crazy and got himself an inflated doll instead. According to the article, the man was very happy with his doll for company. He only lamented to the reporter, that owing to the social limitations of his new partner, he couldn´t take her to the cinema with him. The article was real, the story I don´t know because the man remained anonymous.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

This theme of demanding relationships reminds me of a Portuguese article I read some time ago. No poking urges where mentioned, but it was about a guy that ended his marriage because it was driving him crazy and got himself an inflated doll instead. According to the article, the man was very happy with his doll for company. He only lamented to the reporter, that owing to the social limitations of his new partner, he couldn´t take her to the cinema with him. The article was real, the story I don´t know because the man remained anonymous.



I don't doubt it. This was partly my point, you see. There are people who spend thousands of dollars on those Real Dolls, the very lifelike ones (sort of), and are very happy with them as partners. Eventually, we will not only be interacting with, but forming relationships with AI beings in virtual reality, and the possibilities here for fulfilling relationships of all kind are endless. Many advantages over relationships with humans. I can direct you to some books if you're interested.

[Danik 2016]

Thanks, but I am not. I am quite old fashioned on this point. I prefer human relationships. I don´t imagine those ET's to be so very fullfilling. Give me human or animal company or even my own any time!:party:

[tonywalt]

I wonder, at times, if we have more connective interaction on this forum (ratio-wise) than we do in our everyday physical interaction.

[Dreamwoven]

Good point, tonywalt.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

I wonder, at times, if we have more connective interaction on this forum (ratio-wise) that we do in our everyday physical interaction.

I certainly do, Tony. It is one of the reasons I value this forum. I enjoy goofing around here with y'all, while in the real world I go out of my way to avoid people. <shiver> People...

[tonywalt]

I certainly do, Tony. It is one of the reasons I value this forum. I enjoy goofing around here with y'all, while in the real world I go out of my way to avoid people. <shiver> People...

I hear you. We all hear you.

[Danik 2016]

I enjoy this and my other forum too. Forum companions are a sort of bodyless spirits. Some of them are very friendly. Others are less so. But if they grow too nasty or too loud it´s easy to shut them out. I have a fancy that interchanging with them also helps the interchanges in the real world.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Indeed so, Danik. Is your other forum anything one of us critters might like? I keep looking for other good ones, just so I have some variety and meet new people in this safe, ghostly way.

Speaking of grape leaves, I've been thinking a lot about purely sexual relationships, of the kind popularly called friends with benefits, and whether it's possible for anyone who isn't wealthy or celebrity to have one. And whether if, even if possible, one would want one, if literally no affection were involved. And if, still further, including physical affection along with the sex would make it impossible for the liaison to not develop into a relationship.

You see, as mentioned earlier, I don't want one of them nasty smelly stinky things known as a relationship. So a bonking only arrangement seems practical. But then someone asks "So what do you do for a living? Where do you live?" etc. and already I'd have to give out more information than I'd care to. Oh, sod, I'll just wait for virtual reality. And for my inflatable girlfriend to arrive in the post.

[Danik 2016]

My other forum is a translation forum. It is very professionally oriented, we solve translation doubts in different language pairs and write about translation matters. I don´t know if you are interested in that. The World Literature Forum maybe will interest you more. It seems to have been set up by the same people from Lit Net only it is built around reading lists from international authors.
I`ll write more tomorrow. I was writing a big answer and thought I was safe on the editing pad. But, of course, I was logged out, the answer got lost and I´m too tired now to start all over again.

[Danik 2016]

Sequel
Dear Tyrion,
I have a strong suspicion that you are very much in want of a real RELATIONSHIP (yes, with capital letters). Your difficulty lies more in a disposition for making the necessary changes and sacrifices that such a relationship demands. My advice for you would be: Get up from your couch and get you a nice and loving girl. Think of ways of making her happy rather than the other way round. Your poking programm doesn´t sound too appealing to a female. There is a wee bit of sexual slavery about it.:sad:
I think showing your affectionate side will help a lot. And if it fails there are other girls. And if everything fails there is still your community of virtual ghosts to welcome you back, but, at least you have tried.
If you wait some more ten years, some of the poking will be done by the doctor!
Forgive me if this is too frank! If it bothers you I will delete the post again.

[Calidore]

I think the friends part of friends with benefits implies both a relationship and affection. People consider it a way for two people who like and trust each other to fulfill their sexual needs without commitment while waiting to meet a romantic partner. How often that actually works out in reality I have no idea.

[Sancho]

There's always Rosie.

[Delta40]

Sequel
Dear Tyrion,
I have a strong suspicion that you are very much in want of a real RELATIONSHIP (yes, with capital letters). Your difficulty lies more in a disposition for making the necessary changes and sacrifices that such a relationship demands. My advice for you would be: Get up from your couch and get you a nice and loving girl. Think of ways of making her happy rather than the other way round. Your poking programm doesn´t sound too appealing to a female. There is a wee bit of sexual slavery about it.:sad:
I think showing your affectionate side will help a lot. And if it fails there are other girls. And if everything fails there is still your community of virtual ghosts to welcome you back, but, at least you have tried.
If you wait some more ten years, some of the poking will be done by the doctor!
Forgive me if this is too frank! If it bothers you I will delete the post again.

So enjoyed this post. Getting poked and prodded with no benefit at all is a pretty tall order in my book. I mostly prefer my own company and find the whole intimacy thing too difficult to navigate through. I'm told it's fun but losing oneself is never a permanent state. The only way back is those boundaries. Now I'm queen of my own castle with more time to do the things I choose. The cost sometimes feels too great. Othertimes I believe I'm blessed. Either way it's not a choice so much as who I am and it's up to me to be flexible in my balance.

[tonywalt]

So enjoyed this post. Getting poked and prodded with no benefit at all is a pretty tall order in my book. I mostly prefer my own company and find the whole intimacy thing too difficult to navigate through. I'm told it's fun but losing oneself is never a permanent state. The only way back is those boundaries. Now I'm queen of my own castle with more time to do the things I choose. The cost sometimes feels too great. Othertimes I believe I'm blessed. Either way it's not a choice so much as who I am and it's up to me to be flexible in my balance.

"poked and prodded" (giggles)

[Delta40]

Gosh Tony (blushes) I was doing my stretch exercises when you did that!

[Tyrion Cheddar]

"poked and prodded" (giggles)

Well, if you enjoyed that, Tony, there's always porked, pumped, pricked, pounded, pummeled, pushed, pinned and shish kebab'd. Join in! Enjoy the fun!

[Tyrion Cheddar]

There's always Rosie.

Would that be Aunt Rosie and her four daughters?

[tonywalt]

This forum is lonely. Wow! Thank you facebook, instagram and other contributing factors for the decline of active membership.

[Danik 2016]

No poking and prodding here. Just plain loneliness :sad::sad::sad::
http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2016/mar/28/greater-mouse-eared-bat-sussex-extinct

[Delta40]

This forum is lonely.

Tumbleweeds abound but it's all down to us.

[Alex White]

A forum is what the participants make of it, so yes- it's all down to us.

[Danik 2016]

But where are you all?

[YesNo]

It occurred to me that I don't normally visualize myself as being lonely.

[Danik 2016]

That´s fortunate, Yes/No. Maybe it means that you don´t depend so much on company to be happy or that you are happy with the company you have got.
Today this forum was particularly empty, because of the holyday or because people are giving up.
I looked up similar forums, some of them didn´t have much entries after 2015
Anyway I just was going to take my somewhat pathetic question out when I saw that you had answered.
Thanks and have a nice Sunday. :)

[YesNo]

The question is good. I sometimes wonder where everyone is as well. Have a nice Sunday!

[Dreamwoven]

I too think it has gone strangely quiet, but not just on LitNet, everywhere.

[Danik 2016]

I guess there is a kind of digital loneliness too. The digital peers kind of complete the companions of the "real world". But they are volatile. Who is going to subbstitute them when they have all wandered away?
Thanks for being here, Y/N and Dreamwoven.

[heartwing]

When loneliness is uncomfortable, I try to think of ways to reach out to others who have similar interests or have a need I can maybe meet in some way.

But I did what I wanted to do as far as a family life. A felt need to perhaps take up with another is not as strong as it once was. I often wonder if I hadn't had those opportunities, would I still be satisfied with living alone and I frankly do not know. It is highly likely I would be fine. I was always a bit of a loner - sometimes by choice, sometimes by forces that felt outside of my control - and so I probably would have felt fine though I am grateful to be a mother and wouldn't trade that experience and memories of family life.

Perhaps maybe there is time for being alone and time for being with others or in one more serious relationship in particular and maybe each of us can only know what that time is.

I read a book called Solitude A Return to the Self by Anthony Storr when I was in college 25 plus years ago. It is a great book still for exploring in a discussion of these issues.

I know it is good to speak to others through writing, like we are doing here. I recently hopped off of Facebook and Twitter because that was wearing me out to a degree. Sometimes I think certain media are more antithetical to the discussion of ideas than others. I haven't been active on forums before and decided to join a few, this being one and also a couple of writing forums. I like it that this forum combines both reading and writing communities. I am glad to have come across this thread. I'm still reading it but I wanted to say I think it is a good discussion.

A couple of months ago I started a blog called "How to be Alone." I've gotten some positive response. I haven't tried too much confessional/essay blogging before so I've found this interesting. I think this is an important topic. Thanks for posting it here.

My thoughts seem scattered in this post. Happy Monday. What is left.

[Danik 2016]

I see you have changed your avatar, heartwing!
I hope you´ll like it here.
I had my Twitter moment too. I was very enthusiastic at first. But on Twitter real comunication is minimalistic, so, after a while, I closed the account.

[Danik 2016]

I see you have changed your avatar, heartwing!
I hope you´ll like it here. There are many loners around.
What I like about this site is that we are a bunch of people and not just of readers and writers, although I found many people that share my reading tastes. But the differences are interesting too.They open new doors. And most people write a beautiful English!

[heartwing]

I see you have changed your avatar, heartwing!
I hope you´ll like it here. There are many loners around.
What I like about this site is that we are a bunch of people and not just of readers and writers, although I found many people that share my reading tastes. But the differences are interesting too.They open new doors. And most people write a beautiful English!

Thank you, it is good to be here. Loners unite! ha ha. Well, I guess some of us are, others maybe less so. This seems to be a good place to be. Thank you for the warm welcome and yes I thought this avatar was cool. It is an urban art painting on a brick wall. I also posted it because I wanted to make it evident I am a lady. For some reason some posters have gotten the idea I am Mr. Heartwing. It must be all that alpha energy. ha.

[Danik 2016]

;) 80% alfa if no more!

[Danik 2016]

Just wondering why this site has 1055 hidden guests. The number of hidden guests is increasing enoumously.