The "Next sentence.." Game

[Tyrion Cheddar]

An ongoing, group composition. Each person adds a sentence. I'll start:

"Gooseberries," said Bernard quietly, lamenting the succulent delight's scarcity since the outbreak of hostilities with Fatzombia.

[bounty]

people didn't know exactly what caused the hostilities, but the gooseberry aficionados of fitzombia suspected it had to do with the fatzombianians eating too many of their own crop.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Ironically, everywhere one turned one's head in Fatzo, once gleaming but now increasingly forlorn capital city of Fatzombia, one saw caricatures of fiendish Fitzombians covetously guarding their hoards of gooseberries--all, the public was left in no doubt, stolen from the good and simple folk of Fatzombia, whose historic claim to the fruit was never in dispute.

[YesNo]

Finally the Central Bank of Fatzombia in order to prevent another recession and to get the Fitzombians to trade their hoard of gooseberries lowered interest rates on the Goose to zero and threatened it would take it negative if necessary.

[bounty]

there was also talk in the king's chambers of marrying his daughter, princess fatzo, to prince fitzo, in order to establish better relations between the two countries and when Bernard heard about this, he was greatly aggrieved, as he was the princess' secret lover.

[Pendragon]

The question bothering Bernard was if it was worth selling his soul to wed the princess himself, which would involve slaying Prince Fitzo, while simultaneously stabbing his gooseberry growing relatives in the back?

[YesNo]

The King of Fatzombia told his daughter that she must sacrifice her love for Bernard and wed the tall, handsome, slender, wealthy in gooseberries Prince Fitzo.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Sadly for Princess Fatzo, and for all who hoped for a stable and lasting peace between the two kingdoms in the form of an eventual royal heir, the tall, handsome, slender Prince Fitzo was as a gay as a gooseberry.

[bounty]

things being as they were in 1634---the penalty for being gay either death or banishment---he knew he could not come out of the proverbial gooseberry closet.

[YesNo]

Finding out that Prince Fitzo was gay solved all of Princess Fatzo's problems since she could (secretly) have both her cake, Bernard, and (publicly) eat it, too, by marrying Prince Fitzo and save the value of the Goose upon which the financial survival of the kingdom depended.

[Pendragon]

Unfortunately, neither Prince Fitzo nor Bernard were amendable to those therms; Price Fitzo didn't want to anger his secret boyfriend, Count Fuzzo, and Bernard wasn't happy sharing the Princess, as he thought no man would be gay enough to refuse her beauty!

[YesNo]

One night under the cover of darkness, Bernard and his rival Prince Fitzo met to settle their differences man to man.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Mind you, in those days, and in the kingdom of Fitzombia, two men doing anything under the cover of darkness generally involved palm oil and some loud dance music, as Bernard, who'd brought his best dueling pistol expecting something very different, soon found out.

[bounty]

wind of the purported duel reached the princess' ears, and she fretted incessantly, causing her ladies in waiting to wonder what the matter was.

[YesNo]

The most intuitive of her ladies in waiting guessed some of the truth and asked the princess if Bernard found out about that wandering minstrel band that needed a place to spend the night.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

The princess, mishearing her lady in waiting, angrily demanded: "What did you say about my menstrual?"

[Pendragon]

Unable to refrain, the lady-in-waiting gave a very unladylike snort of laughter! "Minstrel, my Lady, not menstrual."

[Tyrion Cheddar]

"Oh, right," said the princess. "No, I don't think Bernard knows, but if he does he'll just have to learn to love me for who I am--a woman who, on occasion, requires an entire wind section to blow up her skirt."

[YesNo]

Bernard's first argument to Prince Fitzo that the prince should leave the princess, currently Bernard's only love, alone was: "You do realize, Fitzo, you're half her weight."

[Tyrion Cheddar]

"Yeah, but it's the bottom half," Fitzo replied good-naturedly, and they both had a good laugh, tilting the prince's silver flask back till it was empty, then going whoring at the Green Dragon Inn & Shag Centre.

[YesNo]

Fitzo admitted to Bernard that he didn't love the princess and he admitted that Bernard would make her happier than he really wanted to, but he was doing it for the good of their kingdoms' common currency, the Goose, now that their monarchies were joined like husband and wife for better or worse in the Economic Union.

[Pendragon]

Bernard thought he had never heard anything so damnably stupid in his entire life!

[YesNo]

Bernard drew his sword.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

The Prince, glancing down at Bernard's sword, snorted with laughter so that brandy spewed from his nose, declaring: "If that's all you've got, it's a wonder the Princess pays you any mind at all!"

[YesNo]

The prince drew his sword and their swords met.

[Pendragon]

Meanwhile an old Gypsy was telling the Princess Fatzo's fortune, and turned over the two of swords, ill defined, from her Tarot deck...

[YesNo]

Bernard being a bit pudgy was getting so exhausted banging his sword against Prince Fitzo's that he could barely keep up the verbal abuse he felt he was obligated to administer in the situation.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

With a final "And furthermore!" and a bout of unfortunate flatulence, he collapsed in a heap.

[bounty]

news of the battle quickly reached the princess and her gypsy fortune teller.

[YesNo]

The prince was surprised Bernard lasted as long as he did and he felt sorry for him cute and plump on the floor asleep like a baby because he, Prince Fitzo, would marry the princess whether he (Fitzo, Bernard obviously didn't like the idea) liked it or not and become heir to the two kingdoms under the Economic Union.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

His imagination danced with images of the gold and jewels that would be his, not to mention the limitless supply of pages, squires and kitchen boys whose tender young bottoms he intended to plunder like God's army invading the holy land.

[YesNo]

The fortune teller told the princess, "Bernard sleeps and is not slain; his battle's lost but not in vain," and the princess wondered if her father was right and she should get a second opinion every now and then.

[bounty]

meanwhile, a small horde of energetic and lawless fatzombian youths learned that the fitzombians were hording gooseberries in various locations.

[YesNo]

One location even had jam making equipment to better preserve and hide the gooseberries.

[Pendragon]

As usual with mobs, none of the energetic youths really had any idea what they were doing; they lived by the motto: "Just do it!"

[bounty]

being typical fatzombians, they were un-athletic and somewhat out of shape; however, also being forerunners to the nike slogan some 370 yrs later, the young toughs set out to storm one of the stockpiles.

[YesNo]

In general stockpiles were protected from attack by being situated on ten foot high mounds with no escalator taking the invading party up to the top.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

At this, a really rather schlubby member of the mob with halitosis and a tendency to sing pirate shanties at random moments, was overheard to say "Sod this, lads, gooseberries aren't that great, when you come right down to it; give me a chocolate-covered acorn weevil any day over them things."

[YesNo]

While the mob agreed on the lack of intrinsic value in the gooseberry, the princess met Bernard in their secret hiding place that only a few of her ladies in waiting (well, all of them) knew about.

[Pendragon]

As Mark Twain once put it, "Let us draw the curtain of charity over the next scene."

[bounty]

however, this did not stop the young mob of fatzombians, returning from their failed attempt at the gooseberry mounds and passing by the castle, from hearing certain amorous noises nearby and pausing in their journey for some bawdy entertainment.

[YesNo]

Although the princess and Bernard had earlier quarreled about what to do about Fitzo and why trying to fight him with a sword was chivalrous but impractical all quarrels worth ending end and with lips to lips and hips more or less to hips they caressed until the princess said, "Why don't you shoot him?"

[Pendragon]

"Because there are no guns in this country, woman!" Bernard snarled.

[YesNo]

The observation that guns hadn't been invented yet quieted the princess somewhat but from her perspective the future of a handsome, healthy, strong and wealthy husband like Fitso and a foolishly romantic though pudgy lover like Bernard didn't seem all that bad to her and she asked Bernard, "Do you think Fitso will think my breasts are too big?"

[Tyrion Cheddar]

"Nah," Bernard disdained, sniffing and wiping his nose on his sleeve in a manner best not described. "Them Fitzos learn the ways of love by practicing on their cows."

[Pendragon]

Sorry, i shouldn't have posted. Yes it was funny, but I shouldn't be that vulgar. I will post no more in this thread. God bless all of you, mates!

[YesNo]

One of the princess's ladies in waiting rushed into the secret chamber, "Prince Fitzo's in the barn!"

[bounty]

(is it ironic that while I was writing that, I was listening to zz top's [I]tush?"

[YesNo]

Unfortunately the princess exposed her location when she yelled at Prince Fitzo from the window of the secret chamber telling him she just called the Fatzombian Humane Society and the prince said, "Ah, my love, I'll be right up."

[Tyrion Cheddar]

"F**k me," the Princess said breathlessly, glancing first here, then there, seeking desperately for a solution until, with sudden beatific calm, she smiled up at Bernard and said: "How are you on threesomes?"

[YesNo]

Hearing the prince's footsteps racing up the stairs, Bernard felt he would have to deal with the princess's offer of a threesome later and quickly rejected the thought of hiding under the bed because the laws of physics would have prevented that possibility and decided instead to squeeze into the walk-in closet which he did just as the prince banged open the door to see the princess still trying to decide what she should wear.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

What Bernard hadn't taken into account was that the stress and strain of squeezing into the closet would cause an unanticipated and plainly audible emission from his hind quarters.

[YesNo]

"I think I smell Bernard in the room, Princess."

[Sancho]

Bernard silently cursed the God of broccoli.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Surrendering, with a sigh Bernard exited the closet, splayed his hands and said: "It's a fair cop."

[Troyia]

Had he been in the fridge the scenario would be totally different..

[YesNo]

"It's not what you think," said the Princess.

[Troyia]

"What should I think then?" Replied the price with unusually frog-like eyes and he grew even greener.

[YesNo]

Were she in a better mood the princess knew she could come up an explanation for anything but for some reason right now her muse was asleep and all she could say was, "Oh, Prince Fitzo, how green your frog-like eyes are!"

[Troyia]

Being an immature amphibian the prince answered immediately: "Well, apparently this is all your kiss can do..."

[YesNo]

"My kissing is pretty good," the princess insisted and to prove it she went over to Bernard and gave him one of those I'll-turn-you-into-a-frog sort of kisses.

[Troyia]

But unfortunately Bernard could not feel that kiss as the hypothermia had already killed him

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Which caused quite a stir when Bernard, WHO WAS NOT DEAD (Troyja, I'll speak to you after class), seemingly coming back to life, stretched one icicle encrusted hand out and grabbed his rival's crown jewels, squeezing till the Prince let out a shriek that could be heard way out on the border of Fatzombia, where a hugely endowed milk maid was at that very moment in the confessional with the village priest.

[Troyia]

Deep in heart the girl was happy that the scream prevented her from confessing the thing she was most afraid to say aloud.

[Sancho]

Somewhere a dog barked.

[YesNo]

Then the cows lowed in unison in the barn and all this noise awoke the priest who felt guilty and so asked the milk maid if there really wasn't something else she had to confess.

[Troyia]

"I don't know father if I should confess or not, as I can not help doing the same sin. How can I ask for forgiveness when I know that I am going to do the same again?" - said the girl.

[YesNo]

Although the priest couldn't think of anything to counter the girl's argument he said to both his and her confusion, "Well, my child, things can always get worse and if they can get worse they can get better and who knows whether the worse may be the better or the better be the worse?"

[Troyia]

First she tried to understand what holy father told her, but then she decided that it was one of the divine words that was not possible to understand but just to learn by heart.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

So she didn't tell him about her and Vinnie the Village Idiot and the thing wot they done in the barn that very afternoon, which, as it happened, required the application of some lard.

[YesNo]

Then it was Vinnie the Village Idiot's turn to go to confession.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Being an idiot, though, he mistook a nearby outhouse for the confessional.

[Pendragon]

Sitting on the throne to confess, Vinnie the Village Idiot heard a loud voice outside that growled "You go to hell." Vinny screamed for mercy and fainted!

[Tyrion Cheddar]

What do you expect from an idiot?

[YesNo]

Meanwhile back in the secret chamber Prince Fatso was explaining to the princess and Bernard that he didn't have to marry her after all since the Kingdom of Fatzombia had defaulted that morning on all of its sovereign debt and the Kingdom of Fitzombia was the creditor and so he now owns her kingdom including this secret chamber they are standing in.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

"Oh," the Princess intoned worriedly, tapping her fingertip on her lip and casting about. "Does that mean you own..." she gestured southward as discreetly as possible, "...that is to say...My, uh...my, sort of..."

[Troyia]

Sorry I don't know how to delete this post :D

[YesNo]

All Bernard could say to Prince Fitzo after drawing his sword was, "Then it's war!"

[Sancho]

However, the impetuosity of Bernard's declaration was largely lost on the other two inhabitants of the the secret chamber as Bernard merely brandished the ornate hilt of a sword, the blade of which remained firmly ensconced in the scabbard at his side, it being primarily an ornamental weapon.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Following the eyes of his companions downwards, Bernard noted his blunder with chagrin--making a mental note to have a word with his manservant about swords and things. "Um..." he pondered, glancing back up at the Prince. "Checkers?"

[Sancho]

The prince gayly smiled and said, "Checkers it is, Bernard, meet me tomorrow behind the K.O. Corral at high noon, you bring the board, I'll bring the card table, you're black, I'm red, although I'll be wearing pink," and then he sashayed out of the secret chamber.*


*are run-on sentences and comma splices okay in this game?

[YesNo]

As the men negotiated the checkers dual, it occurred to the princess that she should probably get dressed.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Bernard, having noted that the Prince smiled gayly, glanced at the Princess and wondered if she knew as much about him as she ought.

[YesNo]

As the prince left the building a dog barked, cows lowed and the milk maid went back to the barn relieved that her annual confession was over.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Which was a good thing, too, since the Village Idiot was once again waiting for her in the hay loft and, having now reset her sin counter to zero, the milk maid, she realized with relish, climbing the ladder to where her dim-witted but abundantly equipped lover waited, could plunge into a fresh round of sinning.

[Sancho]

And so, hydraulicly speaking, the world was once again spinning in greased grooves.*

*Apologies to John Steinbeck

[YesNo]

Especially Prince Fitzo's world since his father no longer cared whether he married Princess Fatzo or not and from his perspective the "or not" option dominated.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Scrawling "At last, we can be together, take me you beast!" on the nearest scrap of parchment, the Prince tied the note to the leg of a raven and sent the creature winging to the balmy south of the kingdom where the bare-chested Lance lay sunning himself.

[YesNo]

Lance was on the beach with some friends having totally forgotten about the prince until the raven arrived and started pecking at his toes.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Lowering his sunglasses on his nose, Lance peered over the rim and said to the bird: "Is that a message you've got strapped to your leg or are you just happy to see me?"

[YesNo]

And the raven said, "Both."

[Tyrion Cheddar]

At which point Lance slipped out of his Speedo and said "You don't have to ask me twice."

[Sancho]

And so, with the raven perched upon his shoulder, his sunglasses perched upon his nose, and his short and curlies dancing in the breeze, Lance gazed out upon the southern sea and contemplated his conundrum.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Just then the surface of the water broke and a beautiful mermaid, golden hair sparkling in the sunlight, emerged to Lance's great relief, thinking as he did that a reprieve had been granted--till she glanced at him, then to the bird, then back to him and said: "Don't look at me, man, you got yourself into this mess," and sank again below the waves.

[YesNo]

After seeing the mermaid with perfectly permed hair pop out of the ocean, Lance knew this couldn't be a fantasy and rushed into the water to catch her.

[Sancho]

He dove into the sea and swam like the breeze.

- Wait! That simile makes no sense.

He dove into the sea and swam like a fish.

- Too clichéd

He dove into the sea and swam like a rock.

- Uh, wrong idea.

He dove into the sea and swam like a mother____er.

- Too crude, also possibly plagiarized from Mark Sandman of the band Morphine

He dove into the sea and swam like ...

- little help?

[Tyrion Cheddar]

...a man with unique and Biblically proscribed sexual appetites chasing a chick with a tail and a perm?

[Sancho]

^Haha - perfect

Further and further the two went, and farther into the sea, swimming faster, deeper, harder, arms stroking, legs kicking, tail swishing.

[YesNo]

Lance said, as he rose to the surface for more air, "I love her!"

[Tyrion Cheddar]

The mermaid thought, as she swam deeper, "How deep do I have to dive to drown this f*cker?"

[Sancho]

"Hey look," thought the mermaid, "a giant isopod."

[YesNo]

Unfortunately, Lance didn't see it in time.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

News of Lance's untimely demised reached the Prince by raven some seven months later, as the Raven Express had recently had its budget slashed and had only one raven still in service, and it was very old, with failing eyesight and prone to bouts of flatulence.

[Pendragon]

It was the last message delivered by Raven in the kingdom. Imported parrots took over the post.

[YesNo]

Those who could not read welcomed the parrots although some doubted the accuracy of the messages and insisted a text be attached to the unwilling bird's feet just in case the discredited bird brain theory was true.

[Pendragon]

Fortunately the parrots had a talent for creative cursing which made them so much in demand that they formed a Union and more parrots immigrated to the Kingdom each day.

[YesNo]

Eventually there were so many parrots in the kingdom that the average Joe sitting on a park bench in the center square and feeling a drop on his head just assumed it was a parrot.

[Sancho]

Most in the kingdom agreed the arial pooping was getting out of hand, and so the prince issued a fatwa denouncing avian-based biological warfare.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Sensing an opportunity, the leader of the Young Ravens, a radical offshoot of the old Raven Express, approached the Prince and asked if he mightn't like to return to a simpler time, when ravens roamed the skies bearing messages efficiently and sans poop.

[Pendragon]

The Prince pulled out an embarrassing photo of His Majesty giving a speech with bird poo running down his face as a raven flies towards the camera. "Really?" he growled.

[Sancho]

A great struggle ensued.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

When the dust settled, the Prince lay on the stones bruised and drooling, even as the raven, wiping his mouth with the tip of a wing, settled himself upon the Prince's high chair, thus becoming the legendary Raven King.

[muhsin]

And his story is known across the world.

[Pendragon]

The parrots were of course immediately deported, although they vowed that they'd be back...

[Tyrion Cheddar]

As for the Prince, the Raven King ordered him put in loin cloth and chains, thereafter to stand behind and to the side of the throne, waiting upon his Master's every wish.

[YesNo]

Princess Fatzo thought the prince got what he deserved.

[Pendragon]

The Raven King informed her to be silent, as he wasn't overtly fond of her either!

[Sancho]

Meanwhile, in a less fashionable area of the kingdom, down by the mall, 'round the corner from the Waffle House, near the Exxon Station, right across the street from the Applebee's, strange things were afoot at the Circle-K.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Especially because there were no such places in the kingdom, or in existence, and it was only the heretic Sancho who suggested it.

[Sancho]

Bah-hahahahah-HAH

Correct-a-mundo mon frere, those places are clearly a figment of a sick imagination.

So anyway,

The prince, the princess, and the raven king, in a weird, sort-of Mexican stand off-ish way, with hate in their eyes and evil in their hearts, stared at each other across the ceremonial table.

Strange things were afoot.

[YesNo]

At that point Bernard rushed into the hall with sword drawn intent on saving the princess from the Raven King.

[Pendragon]

The room was suddenly filled with hundreds of black ravens. The Raven King looked at Bernard slyly. "Let's dance!" He smirked.

[Sancho]

One of the more musically inclined ravens hopped over to the pipe organ and began tapping out a lively version of the Macarena.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Which caused the Raven King to stop, deflated, and turn exasperatedly, shouting: "Not that kind of dance, you intergalactic imbecile!"

[YesNo]

At that point Lance rushed into the hall with sword drawn intent on saving the prince from the Raven King while everyone wondered how he got out of the giant isopod's belly.

[Pendragon]

The smell of the liquid dripping off of him should have been a major clue!

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Putting his hands on his hips and presenting his <cough> drawn sword, he declared: "I am Lanth! Unhand my b*itch, you b*tch!"

[YesNo]

At this point Vinny the Village Idiot rushed into the hall with sword drawn and the Raven King had seen enough, "And who are you trying to save?"

[Pendragon]

Vinny the Village Idiot tried to think. It was painful to watch.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Glancing from Idiot to Raven King and back, Lanth finally said: "Who, me or the Idiot?"

[YesNo]

Both.

[Pendragon]

'Is there really a difference?" the Raven King snarled with deep sarcasm. "Same Idiot, different Village, that's you, Lance."

[Sancho]

At that exact moment in time one of Vinnie's last good neurons cooked off, sending an impulse struggling down one of his last good synapses, searching mightily for a receptor, finally finding one, sparking a thought that reminded him of the real reason he'd barged into the hall in the first place, spurring him into action, and rocketing his intelligence quotient from "idiot" right past "imbecile" almost to "intergalactic imbecile," but not quite to "moron," which was why he immediately threw down his sword and broke into a marginally passable version of the Macarena.

[YesNo]

At this point the milk maid rushed into the hall with her sword drawn intending to save Vinny from the Macarena.

[Sancho]

The hall fell silent, swords drooped, and all eyes fell upon Vinny, who was concentrating fiercely, shuffling madly, smiling idiotically, and mumbling something like:

"Dale a tu cuerpo something Macarena
Que tu cuerpo something-something cosa buena
Dale a word-word Macarena
...HEY MACARENA"

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Bored by now, the gaze of most attendees returned to the milk maid, whose ever-jiggling jugs made clear how she'd gotten the job.

[YesNo]

The Raven King could not believe his eyes when he saw the milk maid and even though he was of a different species he had to get a closer look but she wasn't aware of the politics going on and kept swinging her sword like a girl and to make a long story short the Raven King's head was accidentally cut off and she saw it drop to her feet and she didn't know what to think.

[Pendragon]

Vinnie stopped suddenly and yelled "Is there a Doctor in the house?"

[Sancho]

And so Doctor Faustus burst into the hall, sword drawn, and declared he'd come down here looking for a soul to steal, and he was in a bind because he was way behind, and he was looking to make a deal.

[Pendragon]

Faustus examined the now headless Raven King. "Just a flesh wound." he said, putting the head back on the bird, which came back to life instantly. "But his soul is mine!"

[YesNo]

When the milk maid gave Doctor Faustus a prolonged hug thanking him for saving someone's pet raven she had accidentally killed even he felt the need to get a closer look.

[Pendragon]

He might have been better off not looking so close.

[Sancho]

A fella could put an eye out with one of those things.

[Pendragon]

Doctor Faustus reflected that the steel bra thing hadn't worked out that great even for Madonna, and the Milk Maid was no Madonna.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

An idea striking him, Doctor Faustus said to the milk maid: "Have you ever done any modeling?"

And Sancho, I had blissfully forgotten that song, it was buried under years of loathing and suppression. When you least expect it, Sancho, when you least expect it...

[YesNo]

The milk maid said that when she wasn't milking cows or keeping Vinny out of trouble she would spend her time doing linear, and, if she really had to, nonlinear, modeling in R.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

"Not that kind of modeling, you impish twat," said Doctor Faustus exasperatedly. "I mean the other kind--knees up, knickers down, a guy named Jack Hammer mounted on top of you."

[YesNo]

The milk maid looked with deep longing into Doctor Faustus' wicked eyes and asked, "Why do you want that black bird's soul anyway?"

[Tyrion Cheddar]

"The better to seduce you with, my lovely," he replied, his hands clasping in air in front of her mams.

[YesNo]

It was at this point the milk maid told Doctor Faustus that she was already married to Vinny although Vinny probably didn't realize it.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

"In that case, Vinny won't mind, will he?" said Faustus. "Besides, does Vinny have one of these?" As with an elegant gesture, he let his pantaloons fall.

[Sancho]

Now she let out a yell that'd curl yer hair, and before he could move she grabbed her a chair, and said "Watch him Folks 'cos he's a furly dangerous man!"

T.C., I've got a million of 'em.

[YesNo]

It was at this point that the priest who had just finished hearing all the confessions he could handle for the day rushed into the room with sword drawn intent on saving the milk maid.

[Sancho]

(^Bah-hahahahaha-hah)

Doctor Fuastus was aghast.

[Pendragon]

Meanwhile a real ghost appeared for a few minutes and then disappeared saying "I'm better off dead than in this madhouse!" The priest threw a crucifix after it.

[YesNo]

In all of this confusion, the milk maid finally realized her power over Doctor Faustus and said, "Fausty, could you rub my back?"

[Tyrion Cheddar]

To which the Doctor replied: "Why, will a genie come out your mouth?"

[Sancho]

Which was an odd thing to say for a man whose pants were still down around his ankles.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

At last realizing what the lass meant, Faustus leaned forward and did as she asked.

[Sancho]

The barnyard maiden cooed, "c'mon c'mon c'mon now touch me baby, I am not afraid," but before the good doctor could open that metaphorical door, the prince cut in, evidently reconsidering his lifestyle choice.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Shrugging in response to the Doctor's arched eyebrow, the Prince said: "The mermaid showed me what I'd been missing."

[Sancho]

And then something truly odd happened.

[YesNo]

The mermaid rushed in with sword drawn intent upon saving the prince from the milk maid.

[Pendragon]

And as she quickly realized, she was a fish out of water...

[Sancho]

...Doctor Faustus realized how much he liked sushi.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

It was at this moment that old Fausty learned the true meaning of dilemma, as he found himself caught between some rockin' sushi and, he saw with a quick glance down, a hard place.

[Sancho]

The mermaid smiled, coquettishly.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Realizing his hard place would find no joy with the mermaid's tale, old Faustus turned and pounced on the milk maid, each hand grabbing an udder for stability.

[Sancho]

And just like that two streams of non-pasteurized, non-homogenized, non-microfiltered, protein and calcium-rich, whole milk (not that skim crap), shot across the room as if fired from the twin barrels of a ZSU 57-2 Soviet-Style Self-Propelled Anti-Aircraft Artillery piece.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

"How did you know I was designed to double as anti-aircraft?" the milk maid asked, taken aback--although truth be told, if she'd been taken any more aback than she already was, old Fausty'd be pushing up daisies from beneath an alpine slope.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Shortly after discovering that, apparently like all modern humans, he possessed Neanderthal genes, Icky the Love Thump enlisted in the Belgian army.

[YesNo]

At this point the priest asked the mermaid if she would like to go to confession.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

There were no mermaids in the Belgian army, but there were boxed lunches, and in his mind's eye, Icky saw himself sitting on a park bench in the sun, looking smart in his uniform, croissant crumbs falling from his lips, his slacks tightening as poodles large and small paraded past him, their owners taking them out for a midday poop.

[YesNo]

After realizing he had Neanderthal genes Icky contemplated the possibility that he might also have, deep down in the depths somewhere, poodle genes as well.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Simultaneously he realized that no, he was just an old pervert.

[YesNo]

At least it kept him busy.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Mind you, some poodles are very well groomed--which is more than one can say for some of their owners, especially the Belgian ones.

[YesNo]

Icky connected to Amazon to see how the sales of his book of poodle recipes was doing.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Not as well as his first book The Other Kind of Love: One Man's Quest for Acceptance in an Intolerant World, he saw.

[Sancho]

As he sat there on that bench,wearing his Belgian Army uniform, contemplating his DNA, considering his sexuality, ruminating about poodle poop, and inadvertently joining Amazon Prime, something truly odd happened.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Amazon's Deal of the Day ad started appearing at the top of his Twitter feed--every day, every minute, every time he checked his Twitter feed.

[Sancho]

Icky deftly deployed his add-blocker.

[YesNo]

But the ads still sneaked in.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

"Them bleedin' ads," he mused, strangely in a Swindon accent, "'ave a moynd of their own, so they do."

[Sancho]

And so it came to pass that Icky's digital device sailed across the park in a great and glorious arc like a frisbee sent by the gods and hurled by an angel and pursued by a pack of poorly disciplined French poodles.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

"Now then," Icky said, dusting himself off. "Enough o' this 'ere poodlin' nonsense, I'm to Swindon to foynd me a farmer's daughter."

[YesNo]

Just in time a gorgeous female with enough face piercings to excite a magnet walked by wearing a T-shirt with the words "Farmer's daughter" on the front and "You wish" on the back.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Belittled, bewildered and bewuthered, with baffled coming on, Icky scraped his scraps of dignity together, stood tall, and with a slight "Hmph..." headed towards the nearest watering hole, in which to drown his sorrows in ale.

[YesNo]

When the gorgeous female saw how sad Icky looked she followed him wanting to make him feel better.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Aroused but also terrified by the amount of jagged metal jutting through the lass's face, Icky weighed the prospect of relief and comfort against the terror of sticking any appendage that belonged to him into that shredder.

[YesNo]

The gorgeous female said, "Hello, big boy. My name's Frieda. What's yours?"

[Tyrion Cheddar]

"At the moment it's Scared Sh*tless," replied Icky. "But if you take some of those piercings out, it might change to How Much for a Quickie."

[Sancho]

To which Frieda responded by delivering her best genitalia-shrinking stare.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Which was concerning, Icky considered, given the finite amount of genitalia he had to begin with.

[Sancho]

"Well then," said Frieda, glancing down at Icky's special purpose, "I think I'll call you - Acorn."

[YesNo]

Icky asked himself, "What's the worse that could happen?", and so he decided, against his better judgement, to man up and give Frieda a kiss.

[Sancho]

But Icky immediately determined that his better judgment would have been a better course of action as his orthodontia awkwardly locked with Frieda's hardware.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Which proved especially vexing, as a truck carrying a huge electromagnet happened at that very moment to pass by.

[Sancho]

What happened next as you can imagine, dear reader, is not a pleasant thing to describe, but I will go so far as to say Frieda and Icky became very good customers of Dr Horatio von Hornswaggle, an upper east side plastic surgeon of some reputation.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Which, not without poetry, brings us back to the beginning, since Dr. von Hornswaggle's wife, Lady von Hornswaggle, nee Rankbottom (of the Easthampton Rankbottoms) was an avid gardener and admirer of gooseberries, a patch of which she steadfastly maintained.

[Sancho]

The End

***********

Questions to follow:

1. The story began in a gooseberry patch in the Kingdom of Fatzombia and ended in a gooseberry patch in the Upper East Side of Manhattan. Describe and explain the time-space continuum and discuss how it relates to gooseberries, currants, and other plants within the Ribe sub-genus.

[YesNo]

2. Do you think Prince Fitzo should have married Princess Fatso regardless of the fact, or maybe because of the fact, that Bernard wanted her more than he did?

[Sancho]

3. Several of the main characters in the story struggled to understand their sexual identity. Discuss the importance of gooseberries to the LGBT community.

[YesNo]

4. Present arguments for or against whether the incidents involving the mermaid typified socially degrading treatment of fish.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

The fact that you refer to a mermaid as a fish is indicative of aquatic bias on your part, YesNo, and calls for a paddlin' by the 'eadmistress. Right, drop those trousers, lad.

5. Neither pork scratchings, crisps, nor McVitie's biscuits play any role in the story. Address the question of whether this absence is coincidental, or a deliberate, if oblique, slap across the face of the British snack food industry.

[Sancho]

6. It has been said* that this is quite possibly the most perfect story ever written. Do you think there should be a sequel?


*said by Sancho anyway

[YesNo]

7. Given the huge popularity of the story, find literary and aesthetic criteria to demonstrate that those who like the story are morons.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

6. It has been said* that this is quite possibly the most perfect story ever written. Do you think there should be a sequel?


*said by Sancho anyway

Don't know if there could be, old Sancho, old man, as the protagonist wine merchant known to the underworld of Fatzombia as Heisenberg got shot through by a dozen arrows at the end, didn't he?

[Sancho]

I think we're good so long as we don't commit travesty against the original story by reworking it and tacking on a happy ending.*

Hmm, maybe a Better Call Saul-style prequel:

Like Berries Through A Goose, a savage journey through the gastrointestinal tract of a water fowl

Chapter 1

We were somewhere around Fatzombia on the edge of the desert when the gooseberries began to take hold.*

*Apologies to Loka.
*Apologies to The Doctor

[YesNo]

A flock of geese flew by and saw the berries.

[Sancho]

And a voice was screaming, "Holy Jesus! What are these goddamn animals?"

[Tyrion Cheddar]

The first goose turned to the second goose thoughtfully and said: "You ever heard that expression 'Like poop through a goose'?"

[YesNo]

The second goose said, "No," but the third, the fourth, the fifth, the sixth, the seventh and the eight goose were already on the ground when Bernard came rushing toward them.

[Sancho]

Bernard was swaying from side to side, randomly pointing at the birds, and mumbling incoherently - "duck duck goose - duck duck goose - hey, pull my finger"
http://i971.photobucket.com/albums/ae197/mollyandbruno/th_e60223a09d8378d0edcc2006665bb330_zpsitljnbca.jp g (http://s971.photobucket.com/albums/ae197/mollyandbruno/?action=view&current=e60223a09d8378d0edcc2006665bb330_zpsitljnb ca.jpg)

[Tyrion Cheddar]

To which Ermine, King of the Geese, replied: "Sancho, what kind of surrealist crap is that? Looks like Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas meets Terry Gilliam on crack."

[Sancho]

"Great suffering horny toads," screamed a voice* from somewhere, "this story has gone Gonzo - pass the peyote."





* A pseudoscientific analysis has determined that the voice has the remnants of a southern accent, but the accent seems to be fading fast due its owner's recent departure from civilwarland and arrival in the Pacific Northwest.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Steering things quickly back towards Marcel Duchamp's pre-Dadaist anti-art movement, Ermine's rent boy Lovey Bum said "Is that a readymade in your pocket, Bernard, or are you just glad to see me?"

[Sancho]

Sweet Jesus! The mescaline is taking hold - what're all these goddamned bicycle wheels!?

[YesNo]

Esmeralda, Queen of the Geese, goose number two by her husband's count, goose number one by her own, waddled up to Bernard and honked.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Bernard jumped in alarm, and there was poop through a goose.

[Sancho]

A contrary goose walked by backwards and said, "knoH-knoH!"

[Tyrion Cheddar]

A cubist goose walked by and died, what with a quarter of himself in the fourth dimension.

[YesNo]

Bernard thought those geese were madder than he was.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Hewas appeared and said "No, they're not madder than me, and what would you know about it anyway, you irredeemable wanker?"

[YesNo]

Bernard ignored Hewas because he knew he was mad, but those geese, those poor, innocent, mad, honking geese, Bernard couldn't keep his eyes off of them, especially that one known among the flock as the Goose Queen--and she couldn't keep her eyes off of him.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

The Narrator sighed heavily, knowing where this was going--again.

[YesNo]

Unfortunately, Ermine the Jealous, Ermine the Wrathful, Ermine the King of the Geese, was watching both of them--and the Narrator--just in case.

[Sancho]

And to make matters worse, General George S. Goose waddled over with a swagger stick under his wing and an itty-bitty campaign hat on his itty-bitty goose noggin.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Plus, Little Wing, the all goose Hendrix tribute band who no one wanted to hear play Purple Haze again, waddled over excitedly, instruments in hand, clearly expecting a warm and enthusiastic welcome--not to mention goose groupies, aka goosies.

[YesNo]

Ermine however couldn't get enough of Little Wing's Purple Haze and being a loyal goosie honked something which, if we could understand goose, probably meant, "Play it again!"

[Tyrion Cheddar]

To which Nigel Nob, lead guitarist with the group, honked back "Thanks, but as a goosie your main job comes later, in the 'otel room--and you'll need to open your bill wider than that, believe me!"

[Tyrion Cheddar]

[NB: For those wondering if we've devolved to goose porn, that answer is yes.]

[YesNo]

Esmeralda honked at her hubby Ermine telling him to stop encouraging Nigel Nob and those Little Wings losers and Bernard, fluent in goose, who was listening with interest to all of this, wondered if he could help, being a musician of some little distinction.

[Sancho]

And so as Little Wing was getting their groove on, singing about butterflies and zebras, Bernard snatched the mike from Nigel and delivered the following lyric: "S'cuse me while I kiss dis guy," and then he did.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

This caused a "Woot!" from the goosies who, in keeping with modern fashion, were impressed by Bernard's brazen sexual ambiguity.

[Sancho]

And Bernard being equally impressed that the goosies had enough beak dexterity to form the "woot" sound, decided immediately to capitalize on his success with Little Wing and form his own rock-n-roll band: Little Wong.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

But it was only as Bernard observed the cheering, lustful cries of the goosies crumble into non-plussed disappointment, turning the promise of a long night of merry fluid exchange into the certainty of desperate onanism, that he realized his blunder: never make a bad pun when you're winning.

[Sancho]

And as Bernard realized his faux pas the geese seemed to come to the collective realization that they were in fact waterfowl and they were in fact on the Mojave - an arid place - and so they just up and flew away, forming a perfect vee under the shadow of a tremendous towering cumulus cloud.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

The cumulus cloud, conveniently for this story, was also an interdimensional portal, whose irresistible pull drew the geese in, sending them hurtling madly down the cosmic rabbit hole, careering crazily with all the cheesy early 80s special effects of a Disney muppet fantasy movie of the same period.

[YesNo]

Bernard was sad to watch Esmeralda get sucked into that interdimensional portal, but he still held in his hand her one tear, her magical tear that she shed just for him on departing that crystallized into an image of her to remind him forever of the goose that got away.

[Sancho]

Grace Slick floated by.

[YesNo]

Bernard forgot all about Esmeralda.

[Sancho]

Grace Slick's hookah, which contained what looked like a bunch of berries that'd been run through a goose a couple of times, floated by.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Here we pause to give our narrator time to pick himself up off the floor, where he's currently lying face down, sobbing and repeatedly mumbling "Not the gooseberries again...Not the gooseberries..."

[Sancho]

Indeed, gooseberries. Berries through a goose, a goose named Barry. Not really a theme so much as a motif, I think.

[YesNo]

Bernard realizing he needed a new girlfriend with Esmeralda taken up into an alien dimension and so he picked some gooseberries and brought them to his next door neighbor, Sylvia, with the best and most honorable of intentions considering that Sylvia's husband was at home.

[Tyrion Cheddar]

Sylvia, the narrator pointed out to YesNo, bought products from the AARP catalog, had hip problems, a hairy mole on her chin and four grandchildren. Sylvia, the narrator chided YesNo, was not, not, a good choice for Bernard's next girlfriend--unless Bernard was into <gulp> grannies, and if that were true, the narrator would like YesNo to know, he would need a substantial raise and a donation to the Narrator's Benevolent Society.

[Sancho]

Sylvia, Sylvia's husband, and Sylvia's Husband's walker slowly made it to the door, opened it, at which point Sylvia's husband said, "Mmmm, gooseberries."

[Tyrion Cheddar]

The narrator has now expired as is continuing his duties from the Land Beyond.

[YesNo]

Sylvia put one gooseberry in her mouth and mashed it with her gums thinking she should have put her teeth in first.