The Wonderful Wizard of Aus

[Merlioness-us]

delete this post please

[108 fountains]

There is much to like in this story. It is generally well-written, has several interesting allusions, has some mystery about it, has depth of feeling, and has something poetic about it. I really think it has the potential to be an extraordinary piece, but I think it needs some improvement and tightening.

I like the symbolism and the allusions, but I'm not sure they all hold together or are consistent. For example, the story, if I am interpreting it correctly, takes place in Hawaii the night before the bombing of Pearl Harbor. However, Clarke Quay is in Singapore and I can't quite figure out what it would have to do with Pearl Harbor (unless there is another Clarke Quay in Hawaii or some other connection between Clarke Quay and Hawaii that I'm not familiar with). Attica could mean the prison or it could mean an area of ancient Greece. I'm thinking the allusion is to the prison since it appears that when the couple "snuck out of Attica" they felt free from all confinement (if that's the purpose of the allusion, perhaps Alcatraz or Leavenworth would be better.) Alluding to Emerald City, and later, to emerald cities in the text, and the Wizard of Aus in the title is nice, but I again don't get the connection to Pearl Harbor (and I don't get the reason for the spelling "Aus." The allusion to Al Bowly’s "Guilty" was interesting, but why choose the song "Guilty" when it does not appear that the couple did anything they should feel guilty about (you made it clear that they did not have sex). Also, you mention that the couple would part ways before sunrise, but then mention the specific time of their parting at 6:55, but sunrise on December 7, 1941 was 6:26 local time. (The attack on Pearl Harbor began at 7:48.)

Then there are a couple of things that I might be nitpicking about, but I'm nitpicking only because I think what you have here is very interesting and ought to be the best you can make it. First, please don't use &s; better to spell out the word "and." Second, since the prose you use is poetic, I would suggest getting rid of the poem toward the end and rephrasing it instead as prose. The last four lines in poetry, however, I think is fine, but you might want to change the wording of the ending from "I’m trying my best not to think of" to "I'm trying my best to forget" - just my opinion here, but I think the rhythm works better with "forget." (Also, "immortalize" works, but "memorialize" might be better.)

I see this is your first post. I hope you'll take my comments as the constructive criticism they are intended to be. And I hope to see more from you here.