Forbidden Desires (incomplete looking for criticism)

[DeepestDesires]

It was dark outside. The usually repugnant city air smells clean and feels crisp with every inhale. Jason thought about how just hours earlier it was raining so hard that the world seemed to be washed away.
New beginnings, he thought.
Walking briskly, his black overcoat fluttering in a wind of his own creation, he smiles. The street lamps putting his face in a constant flux of light and shadow, his features look as if they were chiseled from stone. Jason was an exemplary example of one of God's finest creations, he had everything, well, almost everything. There was a cold calculating look in his ice blue eyes.
Hunting.
He knew exactly what he wanted, tonight, he was going to get it....

Finally reaching his destination, Jason steps into one of his many hunting grounds, a small corner pub called Lucky Chugs. The air smells of cigar smoke. Wisps of smoke dance lazily around the lights, completely obliterating the clean air from outside. It's a whole different world, a place that seems lost in time.
Jason makes his way over to the bar, the bartender glancing at him and nodding in recognition of the new customer. Finally navigating his way around the maze of tables he sits down at the bar, the old stool creaking under his weight due to the many years of use.
"What can I get ya. " The bartender asks.
"Gin. Top shelf, on the rocks. " Jason replies as he sizes up the bartenders disheveled look.
"That all? " the bartender asks in courtesy.
Jason nods in response as he glances around the dismal bar looking for his prey, no longer concerned with the formalities being exchanged between the bartender and himself...

The selection process that Jason choses to abide by is very unsacrificing. Unlike most men in places like this, preying on the weak and emotionally damaged, Jason refuses to belittle himself. He is exhilarated by a challenge, it brings him a pleasure all his own.
As he glances around the room disappointed in the selection, he thinks "Maybe not today." And let's out a sigh. Every woman was either too drunk or just not up to his standards.
The pubs door opens and the sound of the little bell on the door draws his attention away from his unsatisfying options. That's when he sees her, there is a fire in his eyes, a spark, as their eyes lock and he smiles...

[Squirr3ly]

You constantly change between tenses throughout it. You switch from present to past tense multiple times, which makes it confusing. Pick one tense and try to keep to it. Past tense is usually easiest. Other than that, it has potential. Keep working on it!

[DeepestDesires]

Thank you very much

[DeepestDesires]

It's dark outside. The usually repugnant city air smells clean and feels crisp with every inhale. Jason thought about how just hours earlier it was raining so hard that the world seemed to be washed away.
New beginnings, he thought.
Walking briskly, his black overcoat fluttering in a wind of his own creation, he smiles. The street lamps putting his face in a constant flux of light and shadow, his features look as if they were chiseled from stone. Jason was an exemplary example of one of God's finest creations, he had everything, well, almost everything. There was a cold calculating look in his ice blue eyes.
Hunting.
He knew exactly what he wanted, tonight, he was going to get it....

Finally reaching his destination, Jason steps into one of his many hunting grounds, a small corner pub called Lucky Chugs. The air smells of cigar smoke. Wisps of smoke dance lazily around the lights, completely obliterating the clean air from outside. It's a whole different world, a place that seems lost in time.
Jason makes his way over to the bar, the bartender glances at him nodding in recognition of the new customer. Finally navigating his way around the maze of tables he sits down at the bar, the old stool creaking under his weight due to the many years of use.
"What can I get ya. " The bartender asks.
"Gin. Top shelf, on the rocks. " Jason replies as he sizes up the bartenders disheveled look.
"That all? " the bartender asks in courtesy.
Jason nods in response as he glances around the dismal bar looking for his prey, no longer concerned with the formalities being exchanged between the bartender and himself...

The selection process that Jason choses to abide by is very unsacrificing. Unlike most men in places like this, preying on the weak and emotionally damaged, Jason refuses to belittle himself. He is exhilarated by a challenge, it brings him a pleasure all his own.
As he glances around the room disappointed in the selection, he thinks "Maybe not today." And let's out a sigh. Every woman was either too drunk or just not up to his standards.
The pubs door opens and the sound of the little bell on the door draws his attention away from his unsatisfying options. That's when he sees her, there is a fire in his eyes, a spark, as their eyes lock and he smiles...

Auburn hair that falls perfectly just past her shoulders. Skin that glows like the moonlight, speckled like the milky way.
"Her eyes." He thought. Such a spectacular combination of green and blue.
She is dressed modestly, wearing a flowing top that's green like an evergreen forest, with an undershirt that looks like freshly fallen snow. Dark blue jeans that hug every curve yet never reveal the treasures beneath.
She walks with a prowess all her own. A confidence that Jason knows all too well, she is a lioness, completely untamed. She holds his gaze for what feels like an eternity, but in reality it only lasts a few seconds. A chill runs through his entire body followed by a calmness.
"She's the one." He thinks, breathing deeply as she walks too him.

[DeepestDesires]

And yes past tense would be easier but like my character Jason I enjoy the challenge

[Squirr3ly]

It's your story, and you have the reins, so it's your call as to how you choose to write it. Present tense is just difficult to write in. But don't let me dishearten you, go for it! The worst that's going to happen is it won't read well(which is

[108 fountains]

Yes, it has good potential. It held my attention, and you were able both to introduce an interesting character (two actually, although we've only just met the second one) and build some suspense into the plot.

A few suggestions meant as constructive criticism:

Lose the first sentence. I almost stopped reading right there. In fact, you might consider losing the first four sentences and starting with Walking briskly, his black overcoat fluttering in a wind of his own creation, Jason smiles. It's tempting to start stories out with a "weather report," and I used to do just that until some other commenters on this site pointed out to me that the weather report is unnecessary, gets in the way of the plot, and gives the reader the impression right away that the writing is amateurish.

However, if you want to leave the weather in as a mood-setter, I would advise you to do it in a way that grabs the reader from the start and makes every word count. Since the first paragraph is critical, I recommend putting Jason into the action immediately. Also, in the first paragraph and in a couple other places, certain word choices could be improved (in my opinion). I would do the first paragraph something like the following:

Just hours earlier, the rain fell so hard that Jason thought the whole world was washing away. Now, the usually repugnant city air smells clean and feels crisp with every breath. It could be written in other ways as well; this is just an example of what I'm talking about.

In the second section, the word "formalities" seems out of place, since the bartender simply asked him what he wanted to drink. Instead of "...no longer concerned with the formalities being exchanged between the bartender and himself," you might want to try something like "...uninterested in pursuing any banter with the bartender."


And in the third section, you say the "selection process" is "very unsacrificing." I would lose the "very." In fact, most sentences containing the word "very" can be improved by deleting it. But the word "unsacrificing" also seems out of place. You explain it in the next two sentences, but there should be a better word here - maybe "discerning" or "discriminating."

In general, I thought the writing was good, the characters interesting, and the plot attention-grabbing. I look forward to read what happens next.

[Apathy is]

I agree with the previous comments and criticisms. The story is definitely compelling. I want to read more. On the first paragraph though, I understand why you included the bit about the weather and I think there is some importance there. Maybe something like:

Walking briskly, his black overcoat fluttering in a wind of his own creation, Jason smiles. The street lamps *cast* his face in a constant flux of light and shadow, *and* his features, *against the (night's?) darkness around him,* look as if they were chiseled from stone. The usually repugnant city air smells clean and feels crisp with every inhale, *as if the earlier rain had washed the old city away, leaving something new and fresh (fresh and innocent?) in its place*

New beginnings, he *thinks.*

Jason *is* an exemplary example of one of God's finest creations, he *has* everything, well, almost everything. There *is* a cold calculating look in his ice blue eyes.
Hunting.
He *knows* exactly what he *wants,* tonight, he *is* going (plans?) to get it....

Some minor issues further down:

I find this sentence confusing:
As he glances around the room disappointed in the selection, he thinks "Maybe not today." And let's out a sigh.

Maybe: As he glances around room, disappointed by the poor potential he sees, he *lets* out a sigh, "Maybe not today."

Every woman *is* either too drunk or just not up to his standards.

"Her eyes." He *thinks.*

... as she walks *to* (towards?) him.

Last comment. Sometimes his thoughts are in quotes and sometimes they are not. You need to be consistent one way or the other.