The Midnight Train

[FlirtyBirdy01]

Where I live, we have a kind of "subway" system linking multiple cities together, though I am simply going to call it a train system as a good portion of the tracks are actually several meters above the ground. Between one of the two cities the train tracks link, the train must pass through a dense forest. It normally takes about twenty minutes to get through the forest on a track that is much older than the rest of the train system, but still usable. The trains are fully automated to the point where no driver is needed and run 24/7 every day.

So last night I was hanging out with one of my good friends who live out of town. We went out to see an event that was happening in the neighborhood that he lives in. Afterwards, we went back to his house to have dinner and simply to chat and watch TV; fairly typical, as outings with a friend go. By the time I left, it was around 11:50 PM. I walked to the train station, and boarded the train that would take me home. The station was completely empty, which wasn't a surprise as it was late. The train I boarded was one of the oldest ones that was still in operation (over the years, almost all of the trains that were originally built for this system were replaced by new ones that are faster and more efficient).

The train leaves, and heads above ground and into the forest. I was the only one on the train, and was listening to music as I usually do. After about ten minutes, the train stopped. I stood up; as I thought that the train had arrived at the next station already, but the doors were closed, and the view from the window clearly shows the train was still in the middle of the forest. I began to get worried, as the train system is usually very reliable and problems that arise are usually fixed without even affecting operation. I tried to calm myself, and told myself that the trains are computerized, and computers are bound to make mistakes once in a while. Suddenly, my music stopped abruptly, and I pulled my phone out to check what just happened. It showed the low battery screen and refused to turn on. Weird, as I had charged it at my friend’s house. The train was dead silent, so much so that I could hear my own blood flow within my body.

I looked at the clock on the train, it read 12:00 exactly.

Then, the thing that really got me worried was when I heard the sound of a person breathing, but it didn't come from me. The sound was quite noticeable, and the volume was uniform in all parts of the train car. My heart was pounding at this point, and I tried to make sense of the strange sound. Soon, the sound of something scampering under the train accompanied the breathing, and it was slowly heading towards me. Terrified, I pressed the emergency call button, which should connect me to the central control center for all the trains in this area, but instead I got static, and the sound of scratching could be heard over the intercom. The scampering under the train soon moved to the side of the car beside the one I am in, and then, inside the train. My heart nearly stopped, that thing was inside the train!

The horrible scratching sound was getting closer and closer, and all I could do was sit there, frozen with fear. I could see the thing’s shadow, and it was standing inside the compartment junction, just out of my sight. I could hear it breathing fast, and without warning, it let out the most horrifying screech that I have ever heard. It leaped out so fast that all I could see was a grayish-brown blur jumping across the car I am in and into the car in front of me. It landed with a loud thud, and immediately after, the train started moving. For the next fifteen minutes, I sat absolutely still, waiting desperately for the train to reach its next station. When it arrived, I jumped off the train and into the empty station. Leaving the station, I saw the shopping center that the station exited to, as well as my apartment. I walked home, still shaken. When I got home, I found out that my phone’s battery was in fact drained, to the point where I had to replace the battery since it would refuse to hold a charge for more than half an hour. The rest of my house was undisturbed, however, but in my bag I discovered one more item that I could not recall the origins of, a folded piece of blank paper with a small stain of blood and a mysterious black liquid in one corner.

[HCabret]

You could consider using third person limited, instead of first person; especially if you are not going to present the work as having been written by any particular character. Instead of "I walked home, still shaken", you could say "Johnny walked home, still shaken by what he had seen."

[FlirtyBirdy01]

You could consider using third person limited, instead of first person; especially if you are not going to present the work as having been written by any particular character. Instead of "I walked home, still shaken", you could say "Johnny walked home, still shaken by what he had seen."

Thanks for the advice! I originally submitted this story to Reddit's /r/nosleep which only accepts first person stories. Pardon the noob question but is there any particular benefit to writing in third person limited in this case?

[HCabret]

Thanks for the advice! I originally submitted this story to Reddit's /r/nosleep which only accepts first person stories. Pardon the noob question but is there any particular benefit to writing in third person limited in this case?
There is nothing inferior to the usage of first person. However, it often becomes confusing for the reader, and maybe even the writer, when implicit exposition is left out. The reader, at least me, becomes more focused on why this character is in the train station in the first place, instead of becoming more emotionally invested in the character's horror. First person could work if this is a diary entry or a newspaper article. In other words, it is important to keep in mind the identity of your character when choosing a POV. In Dreaming In Cuban by Christina Garcia, the author alternates between first person and third person limited, using first person for the young characters and third person limited for the older characters, thus reflecting the speech and thought patterns of both. Third person limited gets rid of the textese language, which can be hard to read at times. "So last night...". First person can be used to accentuate someone's speech pattern also. Reading a first person narrative written by a valley girl would be fascinating.

James Joyce's seminal short story "The Dead" is probably the best example of third person limited POV.

[FlirtyBirdy01]

There is nothing inferior to the usage of first person. However, it often becomes confusing for the reader, and maybe even the writer, when implicit exposition is left out. The reader, at least me, becomes more focused on why this character is in the train station in the first place, instead of becoming more emotionally invested in the character's horror. First person could work if this is a diary entry or a newspaper article. In other words, it is important to keep in mind the identity of your character when choosing a POV. In Dreaming In Cuban by Christina Garcia, the author alternates between first person and third person limited, using first person for the young characters and third person limited for the older characters, thus reflecting the speech and thought patterns of both. Third person limited gets rid of the textese language, which can be hard to read at times. "So last night...". First person can be used to accentuate someone's speech pattern also. Reading a first person narrative written by a valley girl would be fascinating.

James Joyce's seminal short story "The Dead" is probably the best example of third person limited POV.

Thanks! I will consider that next time I write these kinds of stories.

[Calidore]

I very much like classic, old-school "weird tales" of this type, so I quite enjoyed this. The main problems I saw aside from minor grammar/punctuation issues (nothing that a proofreading pass or two shouldn't catch) were some inconsistencies and logic issues in the text. For example, the third paragraph begins in present tense rather than the past tense of the rest of the story. Also, the narrator says that the volume of the mysterious breathing "was uniform in all parts of the train car", despite his being in only one part of the car himself--how does he know? (My suggestion: Since the breathing seems to have a physical source, just leave that bit out.) Finally, the last sentence has nothing to do with anything and can also be removed and replaced with a more suitable closer.

While you're at it, you can delete the whole first paragraph, since it's all exposition and no story. Any necessary information can and should be dropped into the story itself where appropriate.

Overall, a decent effort. I'll look forward to seeing more from you.

[FlirtyBirdy01]

I very much like classic, old-school "weird tales" of this type, so I quite enjoyed this. The main problems I saw aside from minor grammar/punctuation issues (nothing that a proofreading pass or two shouldn't catch) were some inconsistencies and logic issues in the text. For example, the third paragraph begins in present tense rather than the past tense of the rest of the story. Also, the narrator says that the volume of the mysterious breathing "was uniform in all parts of the train car", despite his being in only one part of the car himself--how does he know? (My suggestion: Since the breathing seems to have a physical source, just leave that bit out.) Finally, the last sentence has nothing to do with anything and can also be removed and replaced with a more suitable closer.

While you're at it, you can delete the whole first paragraph, since it's all exposition and no story. Any necessary information can and should be dropped into the story itself where appropriate.

Overall, a decent effort. I'll look forward to seeing more from you.

Thanks for the feedback! I hope to be writing more stories soon...