PDA

View Full Version : The relic



Munshie
08-06-2015, 02:20 PM
This time I thought I would try a different type of genre.

This story is essentially about the rivalry among Muslim countries despite their talk of 'Umma' the equivalent of Muslim brotherhood - a rough equivalent of Christendom. We all know that European nations fought for supremacy despite their shared religion.




THE RELIC


Professor Wilhelm Becker was not at his workplace, the prestigious School of African & Oriental Studies in London. His Ph.D. student Zaid Ali Ghafur was among the three menacing men currently holding him and his family hostage. Two teenage children instead of being at school were tied to chairs as were the professor and his wife. All manner of threats had been made against them and the bruises and cuts on Wilhelm Becker’s face testified to the fact that these thugs meant business.

“Professor, tell us all you know about the current whereabouts of the item…or your son’s features will be permanently changed,” threatened the rotund individual wielding a shiny seven inch switchblade.

“For God’s sake Willy!” shouted Gertrude Becker at her husband. “Tell them what they want to know. No secret is worth injury to our Kurt.” She was furious at her husband. Gertrude could not understand what information a mere history professor might possess that could be important enough to maim and kill to access.

“After your son, my colleague will deal with your daughter. I don’t think you’ll like what plans he has for her.” The lecherous smile on the man’s face hinted at dark deeds.

“No!” Gertrude was hysterical with good reason. “No, please don’t hurt my daughter,” she pleaded. “My husband will tell you whatever you want to know.”

She turned to her husband. The professor was slumped forward in dejection and fear. “Tell them, Willy! Tell them everything – for the sake of the children! Just do it!”

It took a further ten minutes for the Al-Qaeda agents to learn all they needed to know.

Three hours later the London Metropolitan Police received an anonymous call informing them of a car crash involving a couple and their two children.

************************************************** *********************************************

The scrawny man dangling upside down from the ceiling of the dimly lit interrogation cell would tell Gaber Asfour everything he knew about the relic. Asfour had practiced his art of torture during the George W. Bush era of the ‘war on terror’ and secret renditions. The cowardly CIA had no stomach for extracting information from terrorists and often the organization had employed characters like Asfour to do the dirty work in US-friendly nations like Egypt, Sudan and Pakistan. Afterwards, the fanatics were transported to Guantanamo.

This interrogation however was different – it was not for the sake of the Americans, but for the good of Islam itself. The man mumbling and weeping held the key to a priceless treasure that would transform Egypt. The cradle of human civilization was located in this very land. A land that built the iconic and immortal pyramids deserved possession of the relic. Its ancient universities had given intellectual vigour and rigour to early Islam. Egypt had ruled empires several times in its long and illustrious history. In due course it would again become the heart of the Muslim world.

If there was one thing that Asfour was certain of, it was that the prisoner, amid his pleas for mercy, would give up his secrets before he died from excruciating pain.

************************************************** ***********************************************

During the day Djemaa El Fna is occupied by orange juice stalls, youths with chained Barbary apes, water sellers with traditional leather water-bags and brass cups, and snake charmers. All sorts of tourist souvenirs, ranging from the tacky to the refined are available to visitors to the historic city. And if one looks towards the bus stop, the magnificence of the ancient red sandstone El Koutoubia Mosque dominates the skyline. They say that if you are ever lost in Marrakesh, look for the imposing pillar of El Koutoubia to gain a bearing.

As the day progresses, the entertainment on offer in Djemaa El Fna changes: the snake charmers depart, and late in the day the square becomes more crowded, with Chleuh dancing-boys, story-tellers, telling their tales in Berber or Arabic, to an audience of locals, magicians, and peddlers of traditional medicines. With the encroachment of darkness, the smell of cooked meats tease the senses as the square fills with dozens of food-stalls and the number of people in the square peaks.

The Djemaa El Fna square is edged along one side by the Marrakesh souk, a traditional North African market catering both for the common daily needs of the locals, and for the tourist trade. On other sides are hotels and gardens, cafe terraces, and narrow streets lead into the alleys of the medina quarter. The police found Abdul 10% in one of the alleyways just off the square.

Abdul 10% was a colourful rogue who earned his nickname through his claim of giving his regular customers an additional personal discount of 10% on goods – in addition to his normally competitive prices. If there were shady deals being made, contraband changing hands, Abdul 10% would either be involved or at least know of it. The police turned a blind eye to some of his business transactions because he was a valuable source of information and had been known to tip off the police - for a suitable fee of course. However, Abdul 10%, with a clean bullet hole through the back of the head was currently trying to make the most important deal of his life with the Almighty.

Inspector Zakaria Harrak had been tired and eager to go home to his wife and children even before he was summoned to the crime scene. Now it would well past midnight before he could wrap things up enough to retire to bed. Murders were always difficult cases but this one was particularly troublesome because it looked like a professional execution. Abdul 10% had been operating out of his league, it would appear. Zakaria swore under his breath. He hated the meddling scum of intelligence operatives that made his job so difficult.

************************************************** ********************************************

In his Tel Aviv office, Tamir Pardo, Director of Mossad, read the field operative’s report carefully. The news was troubling to say the least. He was due to brief the Prime Minister about the matter in an hour’s time. All the possible scenarios that might be played out if the heirloom fell into the wrong hands ran through his head. Al-Qaeda could use it to recruit a legion of terrorists. God forbid that the heirloom should end up with ISIL. Muslims would flood the Middle East in their tens of thousands, rallying to the cause of re-writing the map of the region, including the destruction of Israel. Under no circumstances could it ever be permitted to fall into enemy hands. Israel had to have the item. The thought of destroying such an important part of history was an anathema to a man like Pardo. After all he was a cultured and highly educated man. However, if there was no other option, as a patriot, he would do the necessary to save his country and its people.

************************************************** ******************************************
His agents had failed in their mission to extract all of the information that Abdul 10% possessed about the relic. There was incomplete intelligence to locate the item. Sami Paşazade Mehmet Bey was furious with his incompetent operatives. He was determined that Turkey would possess the item. After all, what other nation could boast that it had been inhabited since the Paleolithic period - at least 1.2 million years ago. Even today his homeland straddled two great territories and spheres of influence – the East and the West, with Turkey a gateway to both.

Those Bedouin savages in Saudi Arabia with their hegemonic ambitions and untold oil revenues would be thwarted. Soon, the Saudi carpetbaggers with their existing monopoly of Muslim pilgrims would soon wake up to a different geopolitical dynamic. Already his beloved Turkey dominated the entertainment media throughout the region. As for trade, it was growing exponentially. Turkey was in its ascendancy. With the relic secured, his country would become the new hub for all of the Middle East and the rest of the Muslim world. After all, was it not Turkey that brought Islamic rule to the idol worshippers in Hindustan, and also introduced Islam into the heartland of mainland Europe? Turkey deserved the relic, he told himself, his mind already wrestling with where the heirloom would be housed.

He looked forward to soon informing the Prime Minister of the successful acquisition of the relic that would propel his nation on a new path, away from the failed experiment of secularism and westernization begun by Mustafa Kemal after the defeat of the Ottoman Empire. The relic would guarantee the President, with his dreams of recapturing the greater glory of the Ottomans, a second term in which to consolidate and bring back a truly Muslim administration that abided by Islamic laws.

Sami Paşazade Mehmet Bey used his mobile phone to call a well-connected acquaintance abroad who owed him a favour. One way or another, he would learn which Swiss bank might be currently housing the relic in its vaults.

************************************************** *********************************************

The Ayatollah listened attentively as Omid Farrokhzād told him everything he knew about the relic and its current whereabouts. Farrokhzād did not consider it necessary to mention how many operatives had died in securing that information. What were a few lives against the greater glory of Islam?

“That is all very well, Omid.” the Ayatollah paused only to take a piece of French nougat and pop it into his eager mouth. It was a taste he had developed while studying in Paris during his exile years. Those French infidels certainly knew how to make sweets and pastries as the Ayatollah’s expanding waistline testified to all too clearly.

“Omid, you do realise that those uncouth Arabs cannot be permitted to possess such an important relic. After all, it is part of our Shia heritage.”

“Of course sir. Our Hezbollah brethren have provided us with all the intelligence at their disposal. The item will be in our possession very soon, I assure you.”

The Ayatollah was less irritated with Omid Farrokhzād’s calm manner, and more so with the lack of concrete results. Though, back in the mid-1970s, the Shah of Persia’s ruthless SAVAK was much maligned, the administration of Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini found its own uses for a ruthless secret police and Intelligence Service. The Intelligence Services had strong links with the Revolutionary Guard given their common goals. Sadly its efficiency in dealing with foreign matters left a great deal to be desired.

“The holy relic when it is in our hands will transform this nation and all our external relationships. When it is ours, it will be displayed in Kerbala, and the commemoration of Ashura on the 10th of Muharram will be reinvigourated.”

“It will be most certainly, sir.” Omid was all too aware that his own fate was tied up with the retrieval of the artefact.

“Those mercenary and unsophisticated Saudis will no longer rule the roost once the oldest reliable artefact from the earliest days of Islam is housed in our great nation. Even the lying and devious American devils will quake before our new moral authority and respect among the Muslim world.”

The Ayatollah felt the surge of excitement swell in his chest at the thought of it all. Shias will no longer be despised and discriminated against by Sunnis. The imbalance between the two sects could be corrected and perhaps, just maybe, the differences and divisions between them become less pronounced.

“We have a long and cultured history, sir. And by all rights, the relic should be ours – and Inshallah – it will be ours by the beginning of next week,” opined Omid Farrokhzād.

“Make sure that it is – or other measures will need to be implemented.” The Ayatollah knew his meaning was clear and there was no need for elaboration.

************************************************** *********************************************

Pierre Duchamp was a rich banker in a country caricatured as the land of chocolate, cuckoo clocks and ‘black money’ in secret bank accounts. His own view was that wealth was only relative and never enough. He was in the business of acquiring more.

Duchamp knew that the House of Saud’s invitation was serious by the quarter of a million dollars that accompanied the limousine ride to the meeting in the Presidential Suite of the fanciest hotel in Geneva. The House of Saud family was estimated to be composed of 15,000 members, but the majority of the power and wealth was possessed by a group of only about 2,000 as far as Duchamp could ascertain. What the Frenchman didn’t know was that two of the living grandsons of King Abdulaziz headed up the delegation. It came as no surprise that the banker was made to wait outside the Presidential Suite until it was convenient for the Saudis to parley.

Inside the suite, Saud bin Nayef, former Saudi ambassador to Spain and deputy governor of the Eastern Province was engaged in intense discussion with Faisal bin Salman Governor of Madinah province.

“We will offer whatever is necessary to acquire the heirloom,” insisted Faisal bin Salman for the umpteenth time. “Only our country deserves it. Are we not the guardians of the holiest site in Islam? “

“Of course we are,” replied Saud bin Nayef. Through his demeanor he hoped to soothe Faisal. “And we make good money from that too!” He smiled at the thought of all the additional revenue that the priceless heirloom would bring to the House of Saud.

“That may be, brother, but the item will also bolster our moral authority at a time when we are being criticized abroad for what we have done to the holy city. We will show the Muslim world that we can combine the old with the new.”

“Let them criticize all they want. They will still flock in their millions from all over the world to perform the sacred duty of Hajj. Besides, are we not extending our influence over the globe by gifting money to countries like Pakistan, Malaysia and some African states to come onto our side? Our land birthed the Prophet (pbuh) and the world’s largest empire was built by us Arabs. That still and always will count for a great deal.”

“Yes, and this holy artifact will silence our Shia enemies. We will possess the oldest artifact from the time of the Prophet (pbuh). For all those reason we must ensure the sacred object is in our hands for safe-keeping.”

“Don’t worry, brother. We cannot fail. So… let’s have the greedy kafir wheeled in and make him an offer he can’t refuse. Money is good at easing a man’s conscience.”

It only took an hour to finalise the deal – and that only because of the niceties of diplomacy were observed. An exceptionally generous monetary gift guaranteed that despite the lack of properly authorised paperwork, the Saudis would be able to take possession of the content of the large safety deposit box in the vaults of Duchamp’s bank. However the Arabs were insistent that no one else would be permitted to see or touch the secret item. It would be removed personally by the two representatives of the House of Saud.

************************************************** **********************************************

The DCRI, tasked with counter-espionage, counter-terrorism and the surveillance of potential threats on French territory knew about the two CIA operatives. DCRI had known of their presence long before being informed through official channels. These uncultured and arrogant Americans had been shadowed by French operatives for the past week. Even when the CIA agents followed three Al-Qaeda terrorists across the French border into Switzerland, their every move was being watched by DCRI.

When Jim McKendry and Winston Chain of the CIA updated head office about tailing the terrorists to Geneva, they learned of the agency’s loan of four operatives from Langley HQ to the House of Saud. McKendry and Chain were given minimal information and instructed to stick to their brief by keeping close tabs on the terrorists and not become involved with the Saudi operation.

“Something about this caper doesn’t smell right to me,” commented McKendry, the senior of the two.

“How d’you mean?”

“Are these three nut-jobs on a reconnaissance mission or are they here to target somebody or something?”

Chain shrugged. “Beats me. There are no obvious Al-Qaeda style targets to speak of. The Swiss don’t have much other than banks, and a bank heist is easier in some Third World country than here.”

“May be they’re going to target a big American bank,” suggested McKendry, not really believing it himself.

“Again, the same point: why here in Switzerland?”

This time McKendry shrugged. Then both men fell silent, lost in their own thoughts.

************************************************** **********************************************

The deep cover Mossad agent amongst the entourage of the Saudis contacted his superiors immediately the item from the bank was collected. The CIA guardians were making his mission difficult. They had already discovered the second explosive he had planted, and disabled the listening device too. Now he would have to improvise to ensure that, as ordered by the Director himself, the artifact never reached the Middle East. However, that was easier said than done and he was running out of time and ideas.


The senior Al-Qaeda agent cursed as he stood at the window of his hotel room. With his binoculars he could see that the Saudis had duped any onlookers in loading the relic. With a flawless switch it was not placed in the lead limousine along with the VIP Saudis, but in the Mercedes parked round at the side of the bank in a one-way street. He used his cellphone to contact his co-conspirator in the hotel across the street.

“Ali, they’ve switched cars.”

“We’re no longer going to follow the cars as originally planned. We must stop them here and now before they get moving.”

“But how?”

“I have an idea. I suspected it might come to this,” commented the lead terrorist, as he rummaged through his large duffel bag with one hand. The grenade launcher was near the bottom of the bag. “We must not permit the holy relic to become a tourist attraction in the hands of these Saudi sons of whores. Not as long as there is breath in my body!” He was equally determined that the Shias not possess the relic.

************************************************** *********************************************

Mashhad was Iran's holiest city, where in the 9th century, Imam Reza, eighth Imam of the Shias was poisoned and martyred. His revered position made his tomb a sacred place for pilgrims to visit. People came from near and far to say prayers at the tomb.

The Ayatollah looked down from his hotel window at the tomb in the mid-distance. His heart was filled with grief and he wept silently. He wept for the incalculable loss sustained by his people, but mostly, he wept for Islam.

The commemoration of Ashura on the 10th of Muharram every year still served as a reminder of the sacrifices of the family of the Prophet. On that day, in 51 AH, on the plains of Kerbala, the Leader of the Martyrs was killed on the battlefield as he performed Sajdah.

The rabid barbarians had destroyed the robe worn by Hussain, son of Ali bin Abi Talib and grandson of the Holy Prophet. The last physical connection to the family of the Prophet had been lost forever.



(THE END)

108 fountains
08-07-2015, 12:42 AM
Munshie, I've been largely absent from the Forum the past few months and so have not read your other posts. This one I thought was enjoyable, well-written for the most part, and very ambitious. I enjoyed most some of the descriptions like the two paragraphs describing Djemaa El Fna, which I thought were very well-written, the bits of geographical and historical facts that displayed either a knowledge of the region or good research, and the occasional political asides such as how the CIA employed local thugs to do its dirty work.

You had a whole host of characters, nearly all of whom seemed interesting - the major drawback in my opinion, however, was that the piece might have been too broad in scope, a little too ambitious, for a such a short story, so that we got only a glimpse of each of the characters. In some ways, it read like more like an outline or a synopsis of a novel. (You might consider expanding each of the segments into a chapter and turning it into a novel or novelette.)

Although it had more action and dialogue than the later sections, I thought the first section was the weakest. Somehow the dialogue did not seem authentic or realistic to me, and it wasn't clear how or why the professor would have knowledge about the relic that wouldn't already be known by others. Then the second section seemed to basically be a repeat of the first, but with less detail. I'm not sure you need both these sections.

But I did enjoy the story and do think you could really have something if you expanded it. It would be great to see each of the personalities and their motives portrayed in greater detail. Expansion would also allow you to show the interrelations between the various groups and personalities, something you gave quick reference to in the limited space you gave yourself, but could be greatly expanded and, in my opinion, could be the most interesting aspect of the whole story.

Munshie
08-07-2015, 04:35 AM
108 fountains

Thanks for taking the trouble to provide the detailed feedback. Much appreciated.:)

To be frank I don't think I have it in me (in terms of patience and long term commitment) to write a whole novel/book. Once I've explored an idea to my satisfaction, I get bored and move on. That's why in short story form I have tried to cram in all the important ideas. To tell the truth, I'm more an ideas man than a writer. Either a particular idea or often a line triggers a potential story. I then feel compelled to explore the idea further and start writing it down so that I can conduct that exploration. The relic story was triggered by the commemoration of Ashura but also my awareness of the intense rivalry between Muslim countries.

Most of my experience of writing has been confined to writing reports/evaluations for local government or educational curricular material or political stuff. So I'd be quite happy if some author took the idea and ran with it. My only concern about the subject matter is whether a 'western'/eurocentric perspective would do justice to the story or just reinforce the narratives that have been pouring out of the western media for so long. (I have for 15 years been lecturing at de Montfort University about Islamophobia.) I have read too many books where authors have made real howlers when writing about cultures they have little experience of and not troubled to learn about. The importance of Ashura to all of the Muslim world cannot be underestimated. I do know from sharing this story with Muslims that the story has a great deal of resonance with that sort of audience. They don't often have the opportunity to read this sort of material written by someone of Muslim background.

I agree that the first section with the professor is the weakest but something deep in my bones still tells me I want something like it near the beginning of the story to set off the search for the relic.

I did do a little research but mostly to ensure the names of characters were authentic. (I was brought up as a Muslim but really don't believe or follow the religion and haven't done for more than 40 years. I'm at best a 'cultural' Muslim.) The description of parts of Marrakesh are based largely upon some of my own observations/experiences while holidaying there.

If I made the story longer (and made other changes) do you think I could produce a worthwhile short story. (I don't even know what length a novelette can be before it's considered a novel.) If you could give me your opinion on that I'd be most grateful. :wink5:

108 fountains
08-07-2015, 09:21 AM
Munshie, Thanks for the thoughtful reply. I'm not sure if there are any hard and fast rules about the difference between a short story and a novelette. Calidore or someone else out there more knowledgeable about literary forms might be able to explain better than I can. What I have seen is based on word count only, and there seems to be a lot of overlap and different opinions on that. I've seen maximum word counts for short stories go anywhere from 5000 words to 12,000 words, and word counts for novelettes to run anywhere from 7000 to 25,000 (and novellas from 17,500 to 40,000, with novels beginning at 40,000 words).

I think part of the reason for the overlap is that the terms novelette and novella just aren't used much anymore and some people consider a novelette to be just a long short story. In a quick Google search, I found only one article that suggested novelettes or novellas have more characters and sub-plots than a short story. I've written three stories that are between 10,000 and 12,000 and have always considered them to be short stories because they have one central character and the plots are not complex and don't have sub-plots.

In any case, I would advise you not to be too concerned about word count or what to call it (unless perhaps you are looking for publication). I'll suggest you just go wherever your artistic abilities and inclinations take you. But I think the story could be improved by expanding on some of the characters and their motives and the various interactions between them.

Munshie
08-07-2015, 10:47 AM
108 fountains

Much obliged for the information you provided.

Maybe I'm wierd but unless the character development is done in an entertaining way such as the character's actual behaviour/actions or what they say, to me it only gets in the way of telling the story (- unless of ofcourse the character is the story.) I have read books where I've read dozens of pages but nothing has actually happened and I feel like screaming "get on with story!" If that happens at the beginning of a story (and I've read some where it was 20 -30 pages before anyone even farts,) I give up on the book. Reminds me of a Fellini movie I saw which was as exciting as watching paint dry!

So yes I'll go back to the Relic story and see if I can be creative about how the characters can be developed. To me the fascination was the rivalry between nations and what kind of artifact that would genuinely appeal to the religious sentiments of all Muslims. ISIL as you know has been destroying historical monuments/artifacts ( - at least the ones that they can't transport and easily sell). Tragic and irreparable loss of humanity's treasures. ISIL's destruction of monuments/artifacts has not been confined to objects made by non-Muslims. And perhaps people outside the Muslim world are unaware, unless they have a particular interest in history/archaelogy, the Saudis have destroyed important Islamic structures/artifacts associated with Prophet Mohammed and his family.

Again, your input is much appreciated.:smile5:

AuntShecky
08-07-2015, 05:10 PM
Take everything I say here with a grain of salt. Katherine Bigelow might go web surfing some day, spot your story, and make a blockbuster movie out of it.

My first impression is that the story needs the Archie Bell treatment. (Tighten up.) Way too much is going on for the reader to follow a coherent plot. You could consider focusing on one or two main characters without bringing in superfluous material. Your descriptions are vivid as in the third part, but the length of them brings the story to a screeching halt. Remember less is more.

One reason for this is the common error of telling not showing. Rather than have a professor standing around explaining something, this starts in medias res, but even though he's a hostage, it isn't quite dramatic enough to hook the reader. The work needs less narration and more action. Don't leave plot holes though. And you need smoother transition between scenes.

Be careful of mixing verb tenses. Proofread. And then proofread again.

By your own admission, you are an "ideas" man rather than a story man. If that's your true calling, you might consider essay writing. But that doesn't give a writer license to be overly academic or prosaic. Discover your own lively style.

I don't now if you saw the USA channel's series, Dig." The plot, set in modern Israel, is similar to your story. That miniseries had numerous holes,not just archeological ones. But it kept the viewer's interest.

Not specific to you personally, but frankly, I'm tired of reading the same thing over and over and over, sick of retreads. (Again, NOT you, but just to tell you "where I'm coming from,"to use an ancient hippie expression.)

My personal preference is for humor, especially the kind that subtly conveys larger meanings,without preachiness or sentimentality. (Think Lorrie Moore or Richard Ford.) I also like memorable fiction-- stories that explore a character's inner turmoil, how he copes with the human condition in the contemporary world.In other words,why can't we have stories that come from the gut?

If you could write something like that, you'd have yourself a fan.

Munshie
08-07-2015, 05:46 PM
AuntShecky

Thanks for the time and effort in providing feedback. :smile5:

To me essay writing smacks too much of 'work' and the kind of things I might write in that role. Yes, at school, I was force-fed Charles Lamb's but i didn't relate to many of them. :prrr:

I'm sure all that you say is accurate/true but you forget I have been living with the characters and the plot for a while and right now it's difficult to for me to be as objective as you are.

I will only be able to have that objectivity if I set the story aside for a good few months and then come back to it with your and 108 fountains' critique in mind. I think the basic idea of the story is sound, so I definitely will revisit the story later - with editorial zeal and more objectivity.

Calidore
08-08-2015, 09:23 PM
I will join 108 fountains (great to see you post again!) in applauding your ambition, but I also agree with both him and Aunt Shecky that this story is way too short for the framework you've set up. Section 3, for one example, is entirely plot summary rather than actual story. As it is, you're hopping from undeveloped character to undeveloped character while following a McGuffin that isn't defined until the end, so we never get to care about that either.

And frankly, if the nature of the relic is not a mystery to the characters, there's no reason to keep it a mystery from the reader. If we know what they know, we can better understand why it's so important to them.

I completely understand when you say you're more an idea man (I'm the same way), but every writer has strengths and weaknesses. While it's fine to focus on your strengths, you need to exercise the other muscles also. You know this world and the people you're writing about (a good start), so use that. Take the time to make them real people. You don't need to stop the story dead to add character exposition; just show their character in the dialogue and behavior.

FYI, the Nebula Awards given by the SFWA uses these official definitions:

Novel — 40,000 words or more
Novella — 17,500–39,999 words
Novelette — 7,500–17,499 words
Short Story — 7,499 words or fewer

...but like 108 fountains said, let publishers worry about labels; there's no reason for you to care. The correct length for any story is the number of words it takes to tell it, and no more.

I hope you'll keep posting.