Modar Dergham
08-03-2015, 07:12 PM
Hello everyone,
I wrote a game teaser scene a few days ago in which two guards are dragging one man to cast him down into an abandoned cave. The following lines are spoken by a narrator ( the cave watcher ) who is watching the whole thing.
"He's not the first and won't be the last, for the weak always have to pay for the powerful ones mistakes.
These countless years of watching men cast down, never to return, have made me realize that only an unearthly power could put an end to this madness."
Does it sound clumsy? I hope you guys can give me some advice to enhance grammar, logic and most of all the fluency of the lines.
Thank you.
I wrote a game teaser scene a few days ago in which two guards are dragging one man to cast him down into an abandoned cave. The following lines are spoken by a narrator ( the cave watcher ) who is watching the whole thing.
"He's not the first and won't be the last, for the weak always have to pay for the powerful ones mistakes.
These countless years of watching men cast down, never to return, have made me realize that only an unearthly power could put an end to this madness."
Does it sound clumsy? I hope you guys can give me some advice to enhance grammar, logic and most of all the fluency of the lines.
Thank you.