Ecurb
06-22-2015, 03:04 PM
Like other members of the middle class, I’m attracted to the romance of a criminal lifestyle. Nonetheless, the idea of committing crimes for money (a.k.a. filthy lucre) is gauche – almost as bad as working for a living. Besides, I have plenty of money. The sophisticated criminal, far from being motivated by greed, sees the crime itself as the goal – a sort of performance art. Here are some crimes that would fit the bill:
1) Robbing liquor stores. Enter the store armed with a fully automatic firearm (available at Wal-Mart), wearing all black clothing and a ski mask. Demand that the clerk give you one of those individually wrapped cigarettes, free of charge. “I’m trying to quit smoking, so I just want this one cigarette,” you say, by way of explanation.
2) Kidnapping. Nab a pre-schooler from the local playground, and send his parents a note, with the letters cut out of the newspaper so they can’t be traced. “Meet me at Fifth and Garfield at 9:00 tonight if you ever want to see your child again. Bring an empty paper bag.” Bring the kid and fill their paper bag with $2000 in unmarked one dollar bills.
3) Confidence scams. My friend Dan is the expert at this – he arranges complicated and shady money-making schemes into which he ropes his rich acquaintances. Unlike most such confidence scams, where the con-man profits and everyone else loses, in Dan’s schemes, everyone loses, including Dan. He inherited a fortune and has managed to squander HIS $10 million, along with an equal sum from his “investors”. Brilliant!
4) Crack Cocaine Dealing. Oh, what the heck. Just smoke it all yourself.
5) Suicide. Remember, don’t kill yourself to get back at your parents unless you are quite sure that they will be sad that you are dead.
1) Robbing liquor stores. Enter the store armed with a fully automatic firearm (available at Wal-Mart), wearing all black clothing and a ski mask. Demand that the clerk give you one of those individually wrapped cigarettes, free of charge. “I’m trying to quit smoking, so I just want this one cigarette,” you say, by way of explanation.
2) Kidnapping. Nab a pre-schooler from the local playground, and send his parents a note, with the letters cut out of the newspaper so they can’t be traced. “Meet me at Fifth and Garfield at 9:00 tonight if you ever want to see your child again. Bring an empty paper bag.” Bring the kid and fill their paper bag with $2000 in unmarked one dollar bills.
3) Confidence scams. My friend Dan is the expert at this – he arranges complicated and shady money-making schemes into which he ropes his rich acquaintances. Unlike most such confidence scams, where the con-man profits and everyone else loses, in Dan’s schemes, everyone loses, including Dan. He inherited a fortune and has managed to squander HIS $10 million, along with an equal sum from his “investors”. Brilliant!
4) Crack Cocaine Dealing. Oh, what the heck. Just smoke it all yourself.
5) Suicide. Remember, don’t kill yourself to get back at your parents unless you are quite sure that they will be sad that you are dead.