Is this opening any good?

[Donnelly]

It was a bright sunny day in July. Rachel Pearson, aged thirteen, was walking to school, her long dark hair waving in the gentle breeze.
As she turned a corner she saw a boy in her class coming towards her. At first she didn't recognise him, as he looked slightly different today. His name was Peter Bumby.
'Good morning Mr Bumby,' she greeted him when they met.
'Good morning Miss Pearson,' he replied, blushing.
'You look very smart today,' Rachel continued, eyeing him up and down, eventually resting her gaze on his grey flannel trousers.
'Thank you,' said Peter awkwardly.
'Mr Bumby,' asked Rachel, 'are those new trousers?'
'Yes Miss Pearson,' said Peter.
'They're lovely,' she went on. 'I think grey suits you. '
Peter usually wore blue trousers to school, as did most boys, though grey was also allowed. He wore his new ones fastened with a black belt, together with his normal white shirt, which was neatly tucked in, and navy tie with yellow stripes. He also wore polished black shoes. He was big and tall, and his new trousers complemented his long legs as he briskly walked along.

[Donnelly]

It was a bright sunny day in July. Rachel Pearson, aged thirteen, was walking to school, her long dark hair waving in the gentle breeze.
As she turned a corner she saw a boy in her class coming towards her. At first she didn't recognise him, as he looked slightly different today. His name was Peter Bumby.
'Good morning Mr Bumby,' she greeted him when they met.
'Good morning Miss Pearson,' he replied, blushing.
'You look very smart today,' Rachel continued, eyeing him up and down, eventually resting her gaze on his grey flannel trousers.
'Thank you,' said Peter awkwardly.
'Mr Bumby,' asked Rachel, 'are those new trousers?'
'Yes Miss Pearson,' said Peter.
'They're lovely,' she went on. 'I think grey suits you. '
Peter usually wore blue trousers to school, as did most boys, though grey was also allowed. He wore his new ones fastened with a black belt, together with his normal white shirt, which was neatly tucked in, and navy tie with yellow stripes. He also wore polished black shoes. He was big and tall, and his new trousers complemented his long legs as he briskly walked along.

[Ecurb]

What was Rachel doing walking to school in July? Hadn't she ever heard of summer holiday?

[sweetcaroline]

What was Rachel doing walking to school in July? Hadn't she ever heard of summer holiday?

Perhaps it is broken up as the European system does with their holidays? Although I am American and don't know exactly how that works.

[sweetcaroline]

I think this can make for a good opening. Although I am sure you are going for this approach, I feel as if I have been completely thrown into the novel without knowing what, where, or who I'm reading about. Which, again, can be a good approach, but in that case, I would make it come off more bluntly without the descriptions of what he's wearing. It sounds almost like a children's novel. Is this your intention?

[Steven Hunley]

Could be better. Remember the reader makes up his/her mind in the first few lines if they're going to keep reading or not. This has no hook, or action, to want to read more. Nothing really happens. Details don't matter unless they further character or mood or plot. Otherwise they're just window dressing.

[Ecurb]

Perhaps it is broken up as the European system does with their holidays? Although I am American and don't know exactly how that works.

Aha! That would explain the use of the word, "trousers", and why "gray" is spelled "grey".

I agree with Steven. Donnelly could use a "hook", and he should cut down on the details. Who cares it it is a bright, sunny day in July, or if Rachel is 12 or 13, or if Peter's new trousers complemented his legs, of if he walked "briskly" or slowly? The conversation between the two students is mildly intriguing, with the use of titles (do school children still do that in England, or is Rachel flirting, trying to seem like an adult?). But shouldn't there be something more interesting to discuss than new trousers?

"I say, Mr. Bumby, although I like your new trousers, especially on your big and tall frame, why are you toting an ouzi assault weapon to school?"

"No reason," said Peter, guiltily concealing the firearm in his ample trousers.

[sweetcaroline]

Ha ha ha, Ecurb, that was fun to read. That would definitely be attention grabbing.

Although, if this turns out to be a horror novel, this opening, with its nonchalant dialogue, could be a pretty good setup for that. I wish I knew the potential genre for this.

[Donnelly]

Rachel is half flirting. What she probably finds most attractive about Peter is his big fat bum and thighs which his trousers complement and which his name is a pun on.

[Donnelly]

Thank you and yes that was my intention.

[sweetcaroline]

Thank you and yes that was my intention.

What was your intention? To which comment are you referring to?

[sweetcaroline]

Rachel is half flirting. What she probably finds most attractive about Peter is his big fat bum and thighs which his trousers complement and which his name is a pun on.

This is clever! It was not entirely clear to me that that was what you were inferring to, so perhaps you could choose some other choice words?

[Donnelly]

What was your intention? To which comment are you referring to?

It is meant as a children's novel.

[Donnelly]

This is clever! It was not entirely clear to me that that was what you were inferring to, so perhaps you could choose some other choice words?

You think I should mention his rear end and describe its size and appearance, or have Miss Pearson do so?

[sweetcaroline]

You think I should mention his rear end and describe its size and appearance, or have Miss Pearson do so?

Well, not quite, I am just stating that I did not get that impression when reading it. Will illustrations accompany this book?

[Donnelly]

I would hope so, if anyone would be willing to.

[Clopin]

Rachel is half flirting. What she probably finds most attractive about Peter is his big fat bum and thighs which his trousers complement and which his name is a pun on.

Wait, THAT is what girls like? I've been doing everything so wrong then...

[Donnelly]

Wait, THAT is what girls like? I've been doing everything so wrong then...

Not all girls might like it, but I think young Miss Pearson is the sort of person it would appeal to.

[Steven Hunley]

response pulled by author

[Steven Hunley]

First of all, children don't read novels. If someone calls their book a children's novel they're probably kidding you. At a word-count of approx. 50,000 words plus, and complexity, most novels are beyond the average child.

Perhaps it's a Y A novel. If so, it lags anyway. You've lost the reader with irrelevant detail and dull dialogue. Poo may seen simple, but Poo is deep stuff, even philosophical. This is simple but why? What's the point?

Are we having fun yet? If not, we're not being entertained.

And why the titles? Children don't usually use grown-up titles.

It's too cute. Too cute for its own good. Caroline is too sweet and Ecurb is funny as all get-out. Plenty of tittering here, Ecurb. No offence, Caroline, I read your responses, you're kind and one can't be faulted for a kind heart.

But I'm not buying this. I've been told that on line, people get to read the first page of an e-book for free, and if they like it they buy it. Is that true Lit Netters?

It's only fair to note this is not a complete piece at this point, and perhaps we judge it unfairly.

But in the meantime, until it's revised or completed, I'm not buying it. No Can Do.

https://youtu.be/BbfQ67TNOgY No Can Do

[sweetcaroline]

First of all, children don't read novels. If someone calls their book a children's novel they're probably kidding you. At a word-count of approx. 50,000 words plus, and complexity, most novels are beyond the average child.

Perhaps it's a Y A novel. If so, it lags anyway. You've lost the reader with irrelevant detail and dull dialogue. Poo may seen simple, but Poo is deep stuff, even philosophical. This is simple but why? What's the point?

Are we having fun yet? If not, we're not being entertained.

And why the titles? Children don't usually use grown-up titles.

It's too cute. Too cute for its own good. Caroline is too sweet and Ecurb is funny as all get-out. Plenty of tittering here, Ecurb. No offence, Caroline, I read your responses, you're kind and one can't be faulted for a kind heart.

But I'm not buying this. I've been told that on line, people get to read the first page of an e-book for free, and if they like it they buy it. Is that true Lit Netters?

It's only fair to note this is not a complete piece at this point, and perhaps we judge it unfairly.

But in the meantime, until it's revised or completed, I'm not buying it. No Can Do.

https://youtu.be/BbfQ67TNOgY No Can Do

Now Steven, a lot of what you say here is on the basis that he is writing a children's novel. What if he meant to say he is writing a children's story or children's book, That honestly changes what you said regarding word limit and the fact that children wouldn't want to read it. If it is a YA novel, as you also suggested, then I consider this on the level of the Magic Treehouse series or something along those lines where there are minimal words and lots of charcoal or pencil drawing pictures.

Give this author time to rewrite it. Then we may further assess it. I feel that what he has written has been critiqued well, and they have a lot of information from all of this that may help him.

[Steven Hunley]

I'm going to assume he meant children's book or story too. The illustrations could replace the descriptions.

[Donnelly]

It will be a short work of fiction for older children and young adults, perhaps a short story. I've looked at the Magic Tree house illustrations and I think something similar would be ideal, in colour preferably.

[ennison]

I prefer the second one

[Donnelly]

I prefer the second one

The second what?