Apocalypse

[AaronP]

Apocalypse-

Death,despair,destruction and darkness.The four elements of the Apocalypse, or so we thought; little did we know that there was one final word, a word we thought didn't exist, the one word that brought all the death and despair, the word that brought the destruction, the word that came from the darkness... Demons! Born from darkness; demons rose from the deepest corners of Hell, murdering any living thing that caught there eye, destroying what they saw fit. Humanity was on the edge of extinction... Demons had took over the world. The few humans that survived hid in despair, fearing the demons would kill them next! There was no hope only death and despair! Only destruction and darkness the world was no longer... The Apocalypse had come!

4 years later...

"No, please no!" screamed the young girl. "Muwhahaha,you think you can oppose me you human trash" the demon boomed.Engulfed in fear the young girl cried for help,
"You think someone can help you?" "Even if someone came to help there is no way a lowly human can out power a demon such as myself" boasted the demon. "Oh but I'm not human" The demon shocked snickered "Oh then what are you then?", the demon turned to face the enemy before him but all he could see was darkness and then a sudden flash. Scared the demon looked down at his chest only to realize the his death was inevitable, he was slashed right across his chest. "Just who are you?" the demon cried! "I am the darkness itself, I am everything, I am everyone, I am SHADOW!"

As the young girl witnesses her hero fade into the darkness she cried out in joy "Thank you my hero".Maybe there was a flicker of hope left in the world, maybe we could fight back against the demons... who knows? There is only one way we can find out; and it would be him who would lead us...

[AaronP]

This is the first short story I've wrote and is something I'm hoping to expand on! I would love your criticisms and your praise and whether or not I should expand on this story :)

[Steven Hunley]

No offense, but this isn't a story. It isn't even chapter nor is it a first page. You knew the word demon existed it was the creature or thing you didn't know existed. The paragraph is full of punctuation errors and reading it is difficult . Reading should never be difficult. So make your corrections and expand on it by all means. It needs accordion-like, balloon-like, national-debt-like expansion.

[AaronP]

To be honest I didn't intend for it to be a story to begin with I just wanted to write up the beginning and see whether people thought it was a good concept and I should expand on it. As for the punctuation I'm sorry, it's not exactly my strong point and I'm getting extra lessons in school to help me improve on it, but yeah thanks for the advice it did help :)

[Steven Hunley]

You've got these, is it three, characters, the girl, the Demon, and this Shadow person, is that it? Then decide what to do with them, maybe outline a plot, (so you don't write yourself into a corner) and let it. (as Long John Silver once said) rip. Toss some ideas around.

Like your introduction?

Make two strangers dialoging on the state of the world reveal it, and when they're through, forget about them, they were just a device. The readers will too. Make the girl strong but sexy. Make the demon ugly as all get-out. Make Shadow Dude as shadowy as possible. I'm a big fan of putting up longer pieces in pieces. It gives you deadlines, and you MUST finish the piece, Why?

The Lit Netters expect it.

[sweetcaroline]

Hi, Aaron! The concept you have here is very interesting. In fact, it reminds me of a graphic novel (manga) I really used to dig when I was younger called Bleach. The idea of Demons against their predecessors sounds fascinating. What you have here, I would consider this to be the bare bones of something greater you could expand on, as Steven suggested! I would pay closer attention to your grammar (particularly there/they're/their), as well as some punctuation issues; however, this is a great start for a story you could expand on, as aforementioned. In fact, I give you mad props for using a ";" because I couldn't use that when I was your age! Perhaps continue this, I would certainly read more. And in the end, if you look back on this and are not completely satisfied, by all means start a new project and reflect on the practice that this gave you. Practice is key, really! If you have any questions, please let me know! I'm here to help!

[AaronP]

Thanks for the advice :D and I've read bleach its a really good manga.