Amit Mish'an
05-16-2015, 07:26 AM
Dazzling Sun:
He was lying on the dirt face-down. The park was big and grassy for the most of it, but he was lying on a more secluded, isolated spot away from the grass. He felt the opposite of lying on your back, hands behind your head, looking into the blue sky facing the sun. He could breathe, although uncomfortably, invisible grains of sand inhaled up his nose and his mouth puffing away at every exhale. The point at which you care about getting dirty or smelly has been far passed. He felt quite lucky to have his nap sack with him, rolled up tightly inside his school bag next to him. As true enlightenment doesn’t have to be achieved upon a mountain top, the moment in which you truly think about nothing doesn’t have to come through years and years of meditation. Every homeless man knows that. Every crazy person. Everyone that is truly lost in this world for a very long time now. He felt a gentle hesitant touch patting him and brushing against his shoulder. He didn’t bother to turn and look. He was, by now, well aware of the presence, yet he didn’t find it in him to utter a sound.
“Excuse me. Excuse me, hi. Hi.”
He slowly turned around and looked at the face from which the annoying sounds came from.
“Hello, hi. I’m Linda. Nice to meet you.”
He moaned in response.
“I’m sorry to bother you, sir, but I was a little worried about you. Are you o.k?”
He didn’t answer, just kept looking at her, his eyes almost completely shut, dazzled by a blazing Californian sun that blinked in and out of sight as the big head blocked and revealed it alternatively as it moved.
“Look, maybe we’ll grab something to eat, what do you say? Are you hungry?”
He was always hungry. And yet, he needed to look well into himself to find out whether he really was hungry enough or not. He was pushing himself to the limit on purpose, eating as little as possible, putting something in his mouth just a few minutes before he passed out from the hunger, thus keeping his stomach as small as it could possibly get in order for it to acquire the absolute minimum for him to survive. He wasn’t there yet, but then again, he was never offered a free meal yet. The last thing he ate was an orange, and before that – another orange. He found them on a tree of a private backyard earlier today and collected a few, saving some for later in his back pack and so for today, at least, he considered himself set.
“Sir?”
He sat up, finally, and took a deep breath before saying anything. Strangely enough, he looked smug. He spoke with a hint of a side-smile on his face.
“You want to buy me food?”
“I would love to, sir.”
“And why is that?”
“Um… no reason. I just thought you look a little hungry and maybe you don’t have… enough money… on you… to…”
“Look, I’m afraid I cannot provide you with what you’re looking for, lady.”
“I’m not looking for anything, sir.”
“No? So you’re not looking for gratitude? For a hearty “Thank you ever so much, ma’am! Bless you God, kind stranger, for saving a poor old wretch like me”? Don’t you want to see a smile, so that you can pat yourself on the back later, saying “What an angle I am! A true saint among people”? Don’t you want some closure, knowing you sent me on my way with a fighting chance?”
“No. I just thought you looked hungry and… and maybe you can keep me company while I eat. And in return I would invite you to a slice of pizza and a soda or something, that’s all.”
“You think “a slice of pizza” would satisfy a homeless man’s hunger?”
“We can share a tray.”
“And what about other hungers? What about the intellectual hunger? What about the sexual hunger? Would you supply that too?”
“I say let’s start with a pizza and see where it goes from there”, she answered with a smile and a quick wink. She wasn’t deterred. It surprised him somewhat. But he couldn’t help keep stretching his limits, testing her boundaries.
“What if I robbed an old lady yesterday? Took her purse, punched her in the face. What if I molest children? Expose myself to them? Touch myself in public yards and in front of school fences? Do you automatically assume that I’m a good person because I’m poor and lonely? What if I’m lonely for a reason? What if people like me best be lonely and left alone? What if I deserve it?”
His provocative, defying questions burdened her no doubt. She removed her eyes from him for the first time, looking far away to the green grass and the children playing ball with their fathers and the old ladies chatting on a nearby bench. But she has made up her mind.
“Look, d’you wanna eat or not?”
Now it was his turn to make up his mind. He didn’t need to think much. He smiled with a full mouth now, still somewhat arrogant.
“Yes I do.”
They sat down to eat in the nearest pizzeria. He asked for a single slice. Discipline. Some people were looking at them. Some smelled him, but it still wasn’t bad enough for them to actually get away. He mainly smelled of dirt. She didn’t really care about the people affected by him this way or another. She focused on him almost solely. He wasn’t focused on her or the pizza or the other people around. He wasn’t focused on anything. He didn’t look around nor did he fixate on anything in particular. He sat down and ate his pizza. She also bought him a soda in a large cup with a drinking straw sticking out of it. He found that somewhat amusing and drank only through the straw, slowly eating his pizza, trying to actively convince himself he couldn’t even finish the whole slice. He was very good at it. When it was cold in the streets, he took off a layer or two of his cloths and said to himself “My god, it’s hot!” repeatedly until he believed it. When it was hot and he was sweating, he held himself and shivered on purpose, snuggling in his nap sack up to the neck until he actually felt it. Sitting there quietly, drinking through the drinking straw, He looked to her like a little child. Like the child she never had. She watched him eat. It gave her peace, for some reason.
“The soda is a refill, you know. So you can get more after you’re done for free.”
“Yeah, I know what a refill is. Thank you.”
“So… did you really punch an old lady or exposed yourself to little children?”
“No.”
“Yeah, I didn’t think so.”
“Really…”
“Yeah, you didn’t look like… THAT guy.”
“How does “that guy” look?”
“I don’t know. Not like you. You look… decent.”
“Well, looks can be deceiving.”
He never looked at her when he spoke. After each short, seemingly impatient sentence, he got back to chewing noiselessly, complementing each small bite with a sip of soda.
“Why do you want me to think you’re a bad guy?”
“I don’t. I just think you’re drawing conclusions too fast. That’s dangerous.”
“So you’re protecting me? From you?”
“From me. From anybody. I wouldn’t want you to get hurt by assuming too much too early.”
“Doesn’t that make you a good guy?”
“Not necessarily.”
“Well, maybe you should take better care of yourself before you worry about other people.”
“I don’t worry about you. I don’t know you. I don’t know what you’ve done that possessed you to find someone like me to “save”, just so you can relieve yourself. I don’t assume that you’re a good person. Don’t assume I am one.”
She looked at him for a while. She then turned to stare silently at the floor, her lips clenched in frustration. He finally raised his eyes to her, now that she wasn’t looking at him anymore.
“You see? I can’t give you what you’re looking for. You just wasted time and money for nothing. You don’t feel the sense of reward that you thought you’ll be feeling after doing something like this. Well, you can’t say I didn’t warn you…”
He finished eating his pizza, leaving some of the dough’s crust in the disposable white plate it came in. He didn’t finish the soda either. He asked himself whether or not he’s made a mistake accepting this offer, as he now felt hungrier and thirstier than before. It just increased his appetite. But the pizza wasn’t that good, not even hot enough, and the soda, too, wasn’t sparkly enough for his taste. He was quite glad for it. It made him feel that he isn’t missing out on much in his everyday life on the streets.
“So… are we about done here?”
She took a long disappointed breath.
“I guess we are.”
They both got up and left the joint. Outside in the street they were about to part ways. She didn’t know what to say. She didn’t want to say anything, really.
“Well… thanks for the food.”
She nodded and turned her back to leave. He turned away as well. Discipline.
-----
Hi, my name is Amit, I'm (unfortunately) from Israel and my native language is Hebrew. This is my first story written in English. I would love and much appreciate any comment on the story, including any corrections about the grammer and suggestions of all kinds.
Thank you very much for reading and commenting,
Amit.
He was lying on the dirt face-down. The park was big and grassy for the most of it, but he was lying on a more secluded, isolated spot away from the grass. He felt the opposite of lying on your back, hands behind your head, looking into the blue sky facing the sun. He could breathe, although uncomfortably, invisible grains of sand inhaled up his nose and his mouth puffing away at every exhale. The point at which you care about getting dirty or smelly has been far passed. He felt quite lucky to have his nap sack with him, rolled up tightly inside his school bag next to him. As true enlightenment doesn’t have to be achieved upon a mountain top, the moment in which you truly think about nothing doesn’t have to come through years and years of meditation. Every homeless man knows that. Every crazy person. Everyone that is truly lost in this world for a very long time now. He felt a gentle hesitant touch patting him and brushing against his shoulder. He didn’t bother to turn and look. He was, by now, well aware of the presence, yet he didn’t find it in him to utter a sound.
“Excuse me. Excuse me, hi. Hi.”
He slowly turned around and looked at the face from which the annoying sounds came from.
“Hello, hi. I’m Linda. Nice to meet you.”
He moaned in response.
“I’m sorry to bother you, sir, but I was a little worried about you. Are you o.k?”
He didn’t answer, just kept looking at her, his eyes almost completely shut, dazzled by a blazing Californian sun that blinked in and out of sight as the big head blocked and revealed it alternatively as it moved.
“Look, maybe we’ll grab something to eat, what do you say? Are you hungry?”
He was always hungry. And yet, he needed to look well into himself to find out whether he really was hungry enough or not. He was pushing himself to the limit on purpose, eating as little as possible, putting something in his mouth just a few minutes before he passed out from the hunger, thus keeping his stomach as small as it could possibly get in order for it to acquire the absolute minimum for him to survive. He wasn’t there yet, but then again, he was never offered a free meal yet. The last thing he ate was an orange, and before that – another orange. He found them on a tree of a private backyard earlier today and collected a few, saving some for later in his back pack and so for today, at least, he considered himself set.
“Sir?”
He sat up, finally, and took a deep breath before saying anything. Strangely enough, he looked smug. He spoke with a hint of a side-smile on his face.
“You want to buy me food?”
“I would love to, sir.”
“And why is that?”
“Um… no reason. I just thought you look a little hungry and maybe you don’t have… enough money… on you… to…”
“Look, I’m afraid I cannot provide you with what you’re looking for, lady.”
“I’m not looking for anything, sir.”
“No? So you’re not looking for gratitude? For a hearty “Thank you ever so much, ma’am! Bless you God, kind stranger, for saving a poor old wretch like me”? Don’t you want to see a smile, so that you can pat yourself on the back later, saying “What an angle I am! A true saint among people”? Don’t you want some closure, knowing you sent me on my way with a fighting chance?”
“No. I just thought you looked hungry and… and maybe you can keep me company while I eat. And in return I would invite you to a slice of pizza and a soda or something, that’s all.”
“You think “a slice of pizza” would satisfy a homeless man’s hunger?”
“We can share a tray.”
“And what about other hungers? What about the intellectual hunger? What about the sexual hunger? Would you supply that too?”
“I say let’s start with a pizza and see where it goes from there”, she answered with a smile and a quick wink. She wasn’t deterred. It surprised him somewhat. But he couldn’t help keep stretching his limits, testing her boundaries.
“What if I robbed an old lady yesterday? Took her purse, punched her in the face. What if I molest children? Expose myself to them? Touch myself in public yards and in front of school fences? Do you automatically assume that I’m a good person because I’m poor and lonely? What if I’m lonely for a reason? What if people like me best be lonely and left alone? What if I deserve it?”
His provocative, defying questions burdened her no doubt. She removed her eyes from him for the first time, looking far away to the green grass and the children playing ball with their fathers and the old ladies chatting on a nearby bench. But she has made up her mind.
“Look, d’you wanna eat or not?”
Now it was his turn to make up his mind. He didn’t need to think much. He smiled with a full mouth now, still somewhat arrogant.
“Yes I do.”
They sat down to eat in the nearest pizzeria. He asked for a single slice. Discipline. Some people were looking at them. Some smelled him, but it still wasn’t bad enough for them to actually get away. He mainly smelled of dirt. She didn’t really care about the people affected by him this way or another. She focused on him almost solely. He wasn’t focused on her or the pizza or the other people around. He wasn’t focused on anything. He didn’t look around nor did he fixate on anything in particular. He sat down and ate his pizza. She also bought him a soda in a large cup with a drinking straw sticking out of it. He found that somewhat amusing and drank only through the straw, slowly eating his pizza, trying to actively convince himself he couldn’t even finish the whole slice. He was very good at it. When it was cold in the streets, he took off a layer or two of his cloths and said to himself “My god, it’s hot!” repeatedly until he believed it. When it was hot and he was sweating, he held himself and shivered on purpose, snuggling in his nap sack up to the neck until he actually felt it. Sitting there quietly, drinking through the drinking straw, He looked to her like a little child. Like the child she never had. She watched him eat. It gave her peace, for some reason.
“The soda is a refill, you know. So you can get more after you’re done for free.”
“Yeah, I know what a refill is. Thank you.”
“So… did you really punch an old lady or exposed yourself to little children?”
“No.”
“Yeah, I didn’t think so.”
“Really…”
“Yeah, you didn’t look like… THAT guy.”
“How does “that guy” look?”
“I don’t know. Not like you. You look… decent.”
“Well, looks can be deceiving.”
He never looked at her when he spoke. After each short, seemingly impatient sentence, he got back to chewing noiselessly, complementing each small bite with a sip of soda.
“Why do you want me to think you’re a bad guy?”
“I don’t. I just think you’re drawing conclusions too fast. That’s dangerous.”
“So you’re protecting me? From you?”
“From me. From anybody. I wouldn’t want you to get hurt by assuming too much too early.”
“Doesn’t that make you a good guy?”
“Not necessarily.”
“Well, maybe you should take better care of yourself before you worry about other people.”
“I don’t worry about you. I don’t know you. I don’t know what you’ve done that possessed you to find someone like me to “save”, just so you can relieve yourself. I don’t assume that you’re a good person. Don’t assume I am one.”
She looked at him for a while. She then turned to stare silently at the floor, her lips clenched in frustration. He finally raised his eyes to her, now that she wasn’t looking at him anymore.
“You see? I can’t give you what you’re looking for. You just wasted time and money for nothing. You don’t feel the sense of reward that you thought you’ll be feeling after doing something like this. Well, you can’t say I didn’t warn you…”
He finished eating his pizza, leaving some of the dough’s crust in the disposable white plate it came in. He didn’t finish the soda either. He asked himself whether or not he’s made a mistake accepting this offer, as he now felt hungrier and thirstier than before. It just increased his appetite. But the pizza wasn’t that good, not even hot enough, and the soda, too, wasn’t sparkly enough for his taste. He was quite glad for it. It made him feel that he isn’t missing out on much in his everyday life on the streets.
“So… are we about done here?”
She took a long disappointed breath.
“I guess we are.”
They both got up and left the joint. Outside in the street they were about to part ways. She didn’t know what to say. She didn’t want to say anything, really.
“Well… thanks for the food.”
She nodded and turned her back to leave. He turned away as well. Discipline.
-----
Hi, my name is Amit, I'm (unfortunately) from Israel and my native language is Hebrew. This is my first story written in English. I would love and much appreciate any comment on the story, including any corrections about the grammer and suggestions of all kinds.
Thank you very much for reading and commenting,
Amit.