The River Elegy

[DieterM]

…by the rivers of the south
we sat and wove
a thousand shrouds and lives and stories
all the same

under the plain cotton sky
we sat and sang
and clapped our hands to
praise the Lord Almighty

sat and watched the
never-ending waters
wash down our hopes and dreams
to the shores of new tomorrows

so we sat and hummed,
down by the rivers of the south,
hummed and waited for a change
or for the Second Coming

which will probably occur before;
and there we sat and gazed
upon the green-white lowlands,
sat and gazed and sighed

and all we knew:
if hours were syrup,
days were silent tears
on a hot stone…

[Hawkman]

Hi Dieter,

There is a lot to like in this poem, some wonderful imagery: "under a plain cotton sky" and "...hours were syrup" particularly stand out for me. However, whilst the rhetorical repetition is appropriate to the theme of sameness and drudgery, I can't help feeling its use is a little excessive, if not actually heavy-handed.

I have often observed that opening stanzas can be problematic. They often lead into well formulated ideas and rhythms and cadences, but in the finished piece may become superfluous, even a dead weight, which can have a detrimental influence. I'm inclined to think that this may be the case with this one. The opening line, particularly with its introductory ellipsis really isn't working very well for me, particularly since the phrase is repeated in L2 of S4, where it is incorporated more organically. Although I quite like the image of weaving "shrouds and lives and stories" I'm inclined to feel that it is perhaps a bit too telling, whereas the implication is conveyed more artistically in what follows.

There is also a slight tendency to over-write. The odd word, here and there, which disrupts the rhythm: for example, "wash down our hopes and dreams" and "on a hot stone..." I'd dispense with the ellipsis here, too. bookending the poem with them feels a bit indecisive to me.

Returning to my comment about the extent of the rhetoric, the heaviness could be mitigated by omitting "sat and" from the beginning of L4 S5.

my minor quibbles aside, this is an enjoyable read and deserves more attention than its had up to now.

Live and be well - H

[virtuoso]

I thought that this was an excellent dreamscape woven into the tapestry of finite time. I agree with hawk that some words could be ommitted. I would ommitt the ands and use commas to separate the verbs (sat, hummed/ hummed, waited). Also, i would substitute another verb for sat, because it is becomes a little redundant. Light quibbles for a worthy poem.

[DieterM]

Thanks again to both of you. As it is, I didn't want to write THIS poem at all. In fact, I was listening to a tune named "St Louis Elegy", and that's where I got the idea. The first lines that popped up in my mind where the last three lines of the poem. It was as you said, Hawkie – when I drafted the first lines, I somehow got stuck in a "we sat at the river and wept"-loop.
Probably this poem'll end up completely edited, except some lines I really like (including the last ones). And probably you'll be the first to know it as I often post my drafts and edits on these Forums.
Thanks for commenting and thanks for your input :-)