How to disappear

[DieterM]

A lukewarm April afternoon
Bearing faint smells
Of basil, garlic, oregano,
With a hint of Nivea hand cream

The poplars in the Parc Montsouris
Whisper about the shameless
Forsythia, aflame, down
Where the cygnets paddle

I hide my eyes
Behind winterpale hands,
Guessing at tiny colour specks
Framed by orange slits

The day becomes bearable at last,
A kaleidoscope of tepid spots,
Soft sighs and weightless whiffs;
And I’m not there, just not there

[YesNo]

I liked the idea of hiding one's eyes in the third stanza and then ending in the fourth with not being there.

[NikolaiI]

quite nice... thanks, Dieter.

[AuntShecky]

Nice work.
By the bye, if you really want to disappear, it isn't difficult at all. Just be female and older than 40.

[tailor STATELY]

This is an engaging poem; enjoyed very much.

My favorite lines:

"I hide my eyes
Behind winterpale hands,
Guessing at tiny colour specks
Framed by orange slits"

"winterpale" is a wonderful descriptor.

AuntShecky, if nothing else, we appreciate you.

Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
tailor STATELY

[DieterM]

Thanks, everyone, glad you liked it. And I agree with tailor, dear auntie – this would be an emptier place without you :-)

[Hawkman]

Hi Dieter. Rather late to comment, this time. Sorry about that. This is an engaging poem, but I have reservations about S1 as it stands. The use of the indefinite article at the beginning and "bearing" at the start of L2, turn this stanza into a vague and incomplete thought. In fact, the poem would be punchier if it began at S2. If, however, you simply couldn't countenance dispensing with S1, then I'd recommend beginning with a definite article and changing "bearing" to "bears".

As noted by other commentators, there are some very effective descriptors in the piece, and the sense of alienation and emptiness which it conveys is very effective.


Live and be well - H

[virtuoso]

Love the first stanza. A melange of fabricated and natural scents waft over seasoning the nostrils of the drifter. There is an amazing turn in stanza three. The drifter does not garnish the fruits of nature, but he hides in their shadow. A really well-conceived verse. Enjoyed my friend!

[DieterM]

Thanks for commenting, Hawk and virtuoso. Glad you liked it :-) And I heard you, Hawk, dear friend. Good advice, as always. Will keep it in mind when I'll reach editing stage somewhere in the (near or not so near) future…

[Bar22do]

A beautiful way to disapper, Dieter... and in the Parc Montsouris with that! "Winterpale" is such an effective word to use, and it prepares the reader for your disappearing... you have quite a talent, Dieter. Thanks for sharing.

Best to you

Bar

[miyako73]

this is nice. such a melancholic beauty you paint there.

I want more.

Miya