PDA

View Full Version : High Mark on a Dart Board



NewSecret
04-01-2015, 06:00 PM
I went to my favorite pub one Friday once the sun had gone down.

The newly built pub, entitled, "Our Formal Night Tyme Brewery" was

not even a year standing, being erected in 1892. I was somewhat

younger then as I am now and with a brighter fire within me in

those days than there is within me these days.



The weeks work was done and I was unwinding as I'd always unwound

on Fridays. My family at home was well use to the weekly retreat

for me when I'd go to the pub.



I took my seat at the bar then ordered myself a scotch on the

rocks to loosen up. The bartender, Victor, was happy to serve the

drink, being in the ever good mood he was always in and everything

seemed to go according to habit.



When I was done with the scotch I ordered a tankard of beer then

went about drinking it. Very shortly a skinny man with a bow tie

and a slick suit sat in the next seat over and turned towards me,

ready to conversate. I nodded in acknowledgement at him and took

another drink of my beer.



He revealed from his inner jacket a small picture in a wooden

frame no more than seven inches tall and four inches wide. He said,

"What I hold in my hand is no ordinary picture."



I replied, "And what is the significance of your relic?"



He said, "There contains inside this picture a secret of great

value." He showed me how perfectly sealed the picture was,

turning it around front and back while holding it up to the light

of the hanging lantern above our heads. His own image in the same

clothes as he wore was on the picture. Appearing like a highly

detailed drawing.



I agreed with him and said, "Yes, I can see that your picture is

sealed well, but what of your claim that it contains a secret?"



He proceeded cautiously, fearing skepticism from me, but told me

his tale anyway, "You see, this picture has a power of it's own

that depends upon one thing only to make the miracle of it's

myth work. That thing is that for me to enjoy the power of it's

secret is to pass it on to someone else. Don't get me wrong, I'd

witnessed the power of the secret several times before accepting

it for my own good. I was with a group of friends who were

explorers. They uncovered this item in a crumbling castle

somewhere in Romania. Along with it, inside the rusted chest, was

a note made of thin paper, written in Latin that disintegrated

when they tried to lift it out of the chest, but not before they

read what was written upon it."



I said to him with a half-smirk, not really believing his tall

tale, "And what was written on the note?" I finished off my first

beer with a gulp then ordered a second one.



He said, "A poem was written upon it and went like this."



"Do not hold onto this for a full day

The blessings upon you will then play

When the picture upon this has full changed

You will know who must take it on their own way

For a secret within this can be revealed

The blessings continue when the picture is sealed

Break it apart then you will know the deal

The secret within will reinvent the wheel"



"So you see!" He exclaimed, turning the picture over to show me

it again then said, "It has changed!"



I looked down at the picture and yes, I felt a jolt of surprise to

see that I was in the picture now, not him! I was in the picture

exactly as I was at the bar, with my tankard of beer.



It was phenomenal. I didn't know what to say. I laughed in

amazement. "You know." I said, "You are quite the character. Never

in my life had I seen such a stunning trick."



He replied, "Now that you believe me and you've heard the lyric,

I will now make the offer for you to take it over a game of darts.

I am now at a crossroads of choice concerning this picture. If I

let you have it as the picture of you on it now indicates then I

will receive the blessings that are as I witnessed them with my

friends, very lavish blessings of miraculous splendor. Or, I

could choose to not pass on the picture and break it to find the

secret that is so great that it would 'reinvent the wheel' so to

speak. Both choices are very attractive and if I choose one or

the other, I benefit. So it's a win-win situation. What say you?

Would you like to play a game of darts over this relic?"



I nodded in agreement, "Yes, I will accept your challenge!"



We then left the bar for the dart board across the room.

omferas
04-05-2015, 09:07 PM
I have read another story to you.
you have a great pen.
Thank you."New Secret"

Delta40
04-16-2015, 06:28 AM
I'm not sure about the dialogue in places but despite that, I am intrigued enough to want to read more.

AuntShecky
04-16-2015, 03:33 PM
The story takes place over a hundred years ago? Why? Especially since it includes phrases more commonly heard in 2015, such as "reinventing the wheel," and "win-win situation."

Even for 1893, the dialogue seems stilted, awkward, and wordy. Try to capture the way real people talk. (Keep your ears open.)

Get in the habit of proofreading -- you've got the wrong "its." Also the correct phrase is "used to," not "my family at home was well use to. . ."

Read copious amounts of modern and contemporary short stories. You'll learn over time, almost as in a process of osmosis, how to write an effective story.

Post some more. Welcome to the NitLet.