Winter Song

[Hawkman]

A blue-eyed busker strums and plucks at rusty strings
whose meagre echo fades amid competing shouts
that drift upon the chilly air. Footsteps clatter

through the white-tile underpass, staccato rhythms
drowning sweetness in her voice, while the lone guitar
mumbles chords that die dispirited before they

find an ear. Those passing-by are deaf to effort,
made so by their own affairs, but sometimes—sometimes
one will pause, draw closer to the girl in shabby

clothes, close enough to see her piercings and tattoos.
Fingers find a coin, mined from trouser pocket folds,
hauled from warmth to winter, then dropped without a word,

its lonely impact in the empty hat, as good
as an ovation from the claque. Her audience
departs, and she, without pausing in her quiet

recitation, acknowledges the gift, mid-song,
and casts a glance at a retreating back. Her eyes,
for just a moment, seem less sad, but still they’re blue.

[Melanie]

Very touching and sensitively executed. The blue eyes used as bookends for the poem is an effective open and closure. Repeating "sometimes-sometimes" adds more pause to the action of "one will pause"…well done. You grabbed my attention in the beginning with "whose meagre echo fades amid competing shouts
that drift upon the chilly air." and "Footsteps clatter through the white-tile underpass, staccato rhythms drowning sweetness in her voice, and the lone guitar
mumbles chords that die dispirited…before they find an ear". Good imagery as it really captured the feeling. I've seen a scene very similar to this and had the same thoughts at the time but never articulated it. You nailed it beautifully.

The sentence breaks between stanzas was interesting. Personally, it worked for me sometimes…sometimes not so much. It worked for me when the stanza started with "recitation, acknowledges the gift…" and "it's lonely impact in the empty hat…". It didn't work for me as well though, with the stanza that starts "find an ear." and "clothes, close enough to see her piercings…". It felt a little awkward as I wanted "clothes" to be up in the stanza with it's adjective "shabby" for ease of flow…but your overall poetic flow is two thumbs up. Your poetic form was rather unique and therefore creatively refreshing.

An overall excellent work to enjoy with my hot Kona coffee on this chilly winter's morning. Thank you.

[Bar22do]

I love the imagery here and your experimenting with stnzas' breaks. Like for Melanie, not all of them have worked for me.

I am not so fond of the blue-eyed ending, however. I think I feel what you were trying to provide, but leaving the girl just less sad would have worked better for me.

Overall your poetry evolves and it seems the turn it takes is exciting and worthwhile following! Thank you,

Best from Bar

Btw, I like Melanie's way of delivering a sensitive, constructive critique! Straightwarward and to the point.

[YesNo]

I liked the detailed description of the guitar player looking at the back of the person walking away who gave her some coins.

[Hawkman]

Mel: Hello and thanks for reading, I'm glad it touched you. Enjambment is always tricky and strict form does enforce compromise. But I'm surprised at the instances you highlight as not working for you. In particular,

"Fingers find a coin, mined from trouser pocket folds,
hauled from warmth to winter, then dropped without a word,

its lonely impact in the empty hat, as good
as an ovation from the claque. "

which, combined with the punctuation works perfectly. However, I can understand qualms over the abruptness of the sentence end at claque, occurring mid line. The assonance with "hat" makes it appropriate, but it is a very hard sound and the next sentence begins rather softly. However, when read straight through it sounds ok. Initially, I wrote it as a single stanza, but this was visually unattractive. The tercets give it a much more measured appearance.

There are a lot of buskers, these days. The more seriously inclined invest quite a lot of money in amplification. Busking is hard work. Even with an amplifier, singing for two hours is about as much as anyone can manage before ruining their voice, and the rewards can be meagre. On a good day, they might get £10 per hour, but there aren't that many good days. Times are hard. One girl I spoke to claimed to have a degree, though I forget what subject it was supposed to have been in. I think most people busk because, lacking regular full-time employment, they have time on their hands which would be spent practicing anyway. Why not practice and get something for it? It's better than practicing at home because it helps overcome nerves in public performance. However, without amplification it is very hard to be heard, and if people can't hear you then you become street furniture, like the homeless who sell The Big Issue. Even if I don't buy a magazine, I try to acknowledge their existence and they appreciate it.

Sweet Bar: Thanks for stopping by. Sorry you don't like the bookends. However, I feel justified in ending on a blue note. A little less romantic, perhaps, but truer to life. My poetry evolves, does it? In truth I've written little in the last couple of years. My heart hasn't been in it. A combination of factors contributed to this hiatus. Academic workload was partly to blame. Also, the loss of so many fine writers from the forum, which, I feel, dissolved the vibrant sense of community that existed here, has been discouraging. I've always said that, fundamentally, I'm an entertainer. I need an audience and my audience has moved on. Well, I guess, I have, too. I used to overflow with verse, but now I have to work at it due to lack of stimulation, and I've lost my sense of fun. I'm glad you feel I'm still worth reading. Thanks for doing so.

Y/N: Thanks for stopping by and commenting on this poem. I appreciate your appreciation of my observations. ;)

Live and be well - H

[Bar22do]

Interestingly, my initial feeling was it was a single S poem and personally, I would have preferred it to have remained so, even though, as I already said, your experimentaion is compelling for the reader (this one, at least).

Also, sorry for insisting and I sure miss something (due to my foreigner state?) - "but still there're blue." - we don't expect the girl's eyes to change colour, do we, whether or not more cheerful! That's why for me the ending reads somewhat awkward.

But I stress again: your endeavours at poetry the new way seem engaging and Winter Song, even if with little reservations, is in my (grey) eyes an effective and valuable a poem.

I believe sometimes tough circumstances force our limits further, especially when it comes to creation, therefore it is not necessarily a bad thing. "To work at it" opens the way to new capacities and strengths and, turns out, you are not ONLY an entertainer, however comfortable and effortless your previous self-definition (and resulting overflows) was! Is it not fun (another kind of fun) to discover yourself new dimensions? It it not exciting to break the chains of limiting beliefs?
This said, I too deplore the loss of a vibrant community we once enjoyed here, but perhaps it's up to us to patiently start restoring it??? Hmmm, don't know how much I myself am able to contribute, being neither a good critique nor a decent poet. But I can at least offer sincere interest, support and subjective but honest feeling about what I read. If this is of use to anyone. You are an excellent poetry analyst, folks here learn a lot from your insights.
For the most we fall into the trap of contemplating what we have lost, thus consequently losing also what we could still gain! But if we do break that pattern, sky will be the limit!

Be well,

Bar

[Melanie]

But I'm surprised at the instances you highlight as not working for you. In particular,

"Fingers find a coin, mined from trouser pocket folds,
hauled from warmth to winter, then dropped without a word,

its lonely impact in the empty hat, as good
as an ovation from the claque. "
This is what I said:

...It worked for me when the stanza started with "recitation, acknowledges the gift…" and "it's lonely impact in the empty hat…".

It didn't work for me as well though, with the stanza that starts "find an ear." and "clothes, close enough to see her piercings…". It felt a little awkward as I wanted "clothes" to be up in the stanza with it's adjective "shabby" for ease of flow…but your overall poetic flow is two thumbs up.
Hi Hawkman. Unfortunately, you read my post to mean the opposite of what i said (it's ok, it happens) so I've copied and pasted it above for your review. I said that the sentence break worked for me when it started with "it's lonely impact in the empty hat". Therefore, i agree with your statement, "which, combined with the punctuation works perfectly". But….

I said "it didn't work as well for me though" when you started your stanza with "find an ear" and "clothes, close enough to see her piercings". It's because "clothes" is not the subject that is drawing close enough to see her piercings, it's the observer. The shabby clothes were just noted as something the busker was wearing in the previous stanza. I felt that "find an ear" was an awkward way to start a new stanza. No matter where the punctuation is, the first line of a new stanza should be able to stand on it's own…just like your others did that I mentioned i.e. "recitation, acknowledges the gift" and "it's a lonely impact in the empty hat". Those two worked well.

I didn't say anything in my post about "Fingers finding a coin…dropped without a word". I liked those last two lines of your stanza very much and every line of your poem after that.

[Lykren]

Good job balancing rich imagery with a steady sense of rhythm, Hawkman. That's a hard thing to do!

[Hawkman]

Sweet Bar: thanks for your response. Here, the process of writing evolved. As perviously stated, it began experimentally, being conceived as a single stanza in iambic hexameter, though I played around with it. However, it came out at an odd line count and was rather an intimidating block of text. The rigid adherence to a twelve syllable line opened possibilities, though. I liked the symmetry of three, six and twelve, so I added a line to enable consistent division into six tercets.

I hesitate to say you missed something in the blues, but judging from your comment you may have. You seem to be reading the last line rather literally, whereas I was encoding the reference to "blue" as unhappy, though you are perfectly entitled not to like it, even if you have picked up on it. ;)

In truth, my recent lack of enthusiasm for the craft has as much to do with lack of inspiration as it has with a lack of levity. I've always been willing to put myself out for a good idea. It's the ideas which have been lacking, and frivolity no longer seems an adequate reason to write, especially when one is suffering from a sense of humour failure—though I feel guilty when I don't write at all.

Yes, I'm all for restoring the sense of community; bring it on. You know very well how good I think your poetry can be. At times, it's positively transcendent. As for your comments, they are always worth reading. LLAP.

Mel: Ooops. Fair comment, I probably missed the full stop. My eyes aren't all they used to be and I need new glasses. However, I'd argue that;

"find an ear. Those passing-by are deaf to effort,"

actually constitutes a pretty good line!

I hear what you say regarding enjambment, it is a good rule of thumb, but one which, I feel, need not always be unbreakable. As for the the clothes line, it is necessary to train one's self not to read stanza breaks as pauses. Many contemporary poems require this. The trans-stanza enjambment can be liberating, if the technique is used sparingly. Overdo it, and things can start to fall apart. But I'd only employ it in formal poetry, not free verse. Anyway, glad you enjoyed the poem and thanks for all your comments.

Lykren: Thanks for reading and for the compliment. The subject provides a narrative which is informed by its imagery, and the rhythm and pace are driven by the use of a formal structure. Of course, these by themselves don't make a poem successful, but they provide a framework on which to hang the words :D

Again, thank you all for your comments.

Live and be well - H

[NikolaiI]

I love this. It's funny, I didn't even know the word busker until a week or two ago, when I came across this performer (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z47_kjnXLsk).

[Hawkman]

Thanks for reading, Nikolai. Glad you enjoyed it. If you can play as well as the girl in the video, you don't need to busk! You can give concerts :D

Live and be well - H

[Melanie]

*handshake* Regarding "find an ear." I think you're right :)

[Bar22do]

What does LLAP mean?

[Hawkman]

Live long and prosper...

[NikolaiI]

Thanks for reading, Nikolai. Glad you enjoyed it. If you can play as well as the girl in the video, you don't need to busk! You can give concerts :D

Live and be well - H

Street performers are one of the redeeming qualities of cities.
Indeed, she's quite the prodigy - graduated college a year later, at 17. Her cover of Billie Jean is also great (and very different from the original song, I might add)

Oh, and you're welcome. :D
I don't think I'd ever want to perform though. . When I was young, my first guitar teacher told me, to make it in music nowadays you have to have three things: talent, good performance, and good looks. (I think). I love music and guitar, but poetry is really where my heart is at.

Hope your day is great :)

[Melanie]

...I love music and guitar, but poetry is really where my heart is at...
Why not combine those two loves with lyric poetry and songwriting, maybe. As you know, many, like Paul Simon and Bob Dylan, have written some of their most famous songs as poems, then set them to music later…like this familiar favorite:

I Am a Rock
by Paul Simon; performed by Simon & Garfunkel

A winter's day
In a deep and dark December;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

[NikolaiI]

Oh this is nice to know, thank you Melanie! I knew from reading a biography that he and Richard (Joan's sister's boyfriend, right? The four of them were pretty close for a while, I believe) got into writing poetry a lot, but I didn't know that he wrote them as poems first. . . Christina Rossetti's "In the Bleak Midwinter" was one of those, converted to music. . My favourite version, naturally enough is by one of my favourite musicians. . Jansch- In the Bleak Midwinter (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ys60k_Hgxaw)

Nor did I know this one was poetry first - neither was I that familiar with the words, it's quite a nice poem! Reminds me of a few others in fact.

It is all in all a fascinating topic, with a lot to explore.

And yes, I will; I do think of it often. . especially with discovering Irish music lately and Stevenson's poetry, and realizing how much these two genres resonate with me. . . another relic of home that I discover later on in life :-) (I guess, since I have ancestors from many places, all those places are my home).

[Melanie]

Here's the link where I first learned that "I Am a Rock" was first written as a poem. If you read on there are more interesting facts about Lyric poetry:
http://www.thehypertexts.com/Best%20Short%20Poems%20of%20All%20Time.htm

A lot of your poetry would make beautiful music.