Canes: 11 X 11

[tailor STATELY]

Canes: 11 X 11

Blackberry canes infest one of my fig trees
From base to crown I wielded the machete
Then plucked bruised severed canes lash by bitter lash
Satisfaction is tempered by the welts the
canes inflict in this long-suffering conflict
Wincing each time my blade contacts the fig tree
I take solace from its venerable grace
With hope may I secure the ripened choice fruit
I have coveted in the past, but lost from
inattention; strangulation by the canes
One thing remains: a pyre to purge my pain

3/6/2015

Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
tailor STATELY

[Bar22do]

Hello Ta,

from L7 one starts to suspect there is regret beyond the - how symbolic a description of the fig tree (which I find so poignantly effective that it chokes). Then LL 8 and following reveal more.

I thought that, even if intended, inattention-strangulation were too much, or too close at least and spoiled the music a bit, but you know, I'm not a professional critic and overall thought it was an ambitious attempt at a poem and its subject and I liked it very much.

Thank you Ta,

Bar

[tailor STATELY]

Thank you Bar.

I think you're spot on about L10 and will tinker a bit with the line.

The experience was from my activity yesterday.

The music comes from a course of 6-months when I was absent from home helping to care for my mother before her passing, and trying to pick up life where I left off on return; and upon returning, the experience of losing another family member within 6-months; and assorted illnesses (mine and others); and of course a scriptural allusion or two woven in.

Your kind words are ever an encouragement:

Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
tailor STATELY

[tailor STATELY]

Revision:




Canes: 11 X 11

Blackberry canes infest one of my fig trees
Base to crown I wield the dour machete
Then pluck bruised severed canes lash by bitter lash
Satisfaction is tempered by the welts the
canes inflict in this long-suffering conflict
Wincing each time my blade contacts the fig tree
I take solace from its venerable grace
With hope may I secure the ripened choice fruit
I have coveted in the past; since gone due
to my absence tending yet other gardens
One thing remains: a pyre to purge my pain

3/6/2015 r.3/7/2015 w/ thanks to Bar

Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
tailor STATELY

[YesNo]

I liked all the alliteration in the "pyre to purge my pain" at the end.

[tailor STATELY]

Thank you YesNo.

Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
tailor STATELY

[Hawkman]

Hi Tailor, Your latest revision has negated the 11/11 as you've reduced L2 to 10 syllables. Keep the "from". but I don't really like "dour" as a modifier for machete.

I have a bit of a problem with "bruised severed" which does not read well and overall, the poem could use some punctuation. With such rigid adherence to form, the lack affects nuance.

Not sure about long suffering conflict. Is it the conflict which suffers?

"With hope may I secure the ripened choice fruit" is rather awkward syntax and doesn't really match the rest of the poem. "With hope, I may..." would be my choice.

Again, without proper punctuation, the meaning becomes confused in your closing lines, although I feel Voltaire would approve. The secret to happiness is to stay home and cultivate your garden...

Live and be well - H

[Bar22do]

Thanks Ta. I read your initial poem intuitively, trying to feel and "hear" it. Only Hawk's comment brought my attention to form. How ambitious. Now, how many syllables are there really in L3, I count 12... (3 in se-ve-red)...

Unlike Hawk, I'm not confused by the absence of punctuation, but again, I'm in no way an authority.

I'm glad you removed inattention/strangulation. It restores dignity to your line.

Keep writing!!! This forum is a great place, and much poorer without your art.

Bar

[tailor STATELY]

Keep writing!!! This forum is a great place, and much poorer without your art. Thank you Bar!


Hi Tailor, Your latest revision has negated the 11/11 as you've reduced L2 to 10 syllables. Keep the "from". but I don't really like "dour" as a modifier for machete.

I have a bit of a problem with "bruised severed" which does not read well and overall, the poem could use some punctuation. With such rigid adherence to form, the lack affects nuance.

Not sure about long suffering conflict. Is it the conflict which suffers?

"With hope may I secure the ripened choice fruit" is rather awkward syntax and doesn't really match the rest of the poem. "With hope, I may..." would be my choice.

Again, without proper punctuation, the meaning becomes confused in your closing lines, although I feel Voltaire would approve. The secret to happiness is to stay home and cultivate your garden...

Live and be well - HThanks Hawkman! A lot to digest here. I appreciate your frank analysis.

Re: "dour": I often use http://www.rhymedesk.com/ to scan, and it has served me well. Pronunciation in this case may be defined in two ways (from http://www.oxforddictionaries.com/us/definition/american_english/dour ): Pronunciation: /do͝or/ or /ˈdou(ə)r - I've always read it as the second. I think cultural and regional biases, when it comes to pronunciation, may be in play here and elsewhere when scanning for sillybibbles. That being said, "dour" will get a second look.

Re: punctuation: Prolly the penultimate least true arrow in my poetics quiver (using "prolly" being my weakest).

Other points noted for review as well.

I've been enjoying your work and whimsy;

Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
tailor STATELY

[tailor STATELY]

Revision deux:



Canes: 11 X 11

Blackberry canes infest the fig trees of home
Base to crown I wield a rustic machete;
then pluck the severed canes lash by bitter lash
Satisfaction is tempered by the welts the
cane's thorns inflict upon me in this conflict
Wincing each time my blade contacts the fig tree,
I take solace from its venerable grace
With hope, may I secure the ripened choice fruit
in season; since lost due to my long absence
tending yet other gardens in my purview
One thing remains: a pyre to purge my pain

3/6/2015 r.3/7/2015 r.3/10/2015
w/ thanks to Bar & Hawkman

Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
tailor STATELY

[Hawkman]

That's definitely an improvement, Tailor, it's nearly there, but I'd still be inclined to work on L5, as the repetition of 'flict' and the c alliteration is a mite jarring. Also, 'cane's thorns' is a little clumsy. The two stresses with sibilant endings at the beginning of the line also upset the rhythm.

L8 still bugs me too. The "may I" sounds like a request. I do think it would be better the other way round.

Live and be well -H

[tailor STATELY]

Thank you Hawkman !


I'd still be inclined to work on L5, as the repetition of 'flict' and the c alliteration is a mite jarring.The more I listen, as Bar has noted, to inflict/conflict the closer I get in agreement with you. I do love internal rhymes, but this may be a bit much.

The use of "may I" is in the manner of entreating, id est: (using my sensibilities as a guide) all things pertaining to faith; which has been ingrained in me since before this mortality.

That brings me to "cane's thorns". I hadn't heard the dissonance here either and may be a tougher nut for me to crack.

With deep respect;

Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
tailor STATELY

[tailor STATELY]

Revision the third:



Canes: 11 X 11

Blackberry canes infest the fig trees of home
Base to crown I wield a rustic machete;
then pluck the severed canes lash by bitter lash
Satisfaction is tempered by the welts the
keen thorns inflict upon me in this trial
Wincing each time my blade contacts the fig tree,
I take solace from its venerable grace
With hope may I secure the ripened choice fruit
in season; since gone due to a long absence
tending yet other gardens in my purview
One thing remains: a pyre to purge my pain

3/6/2015 r.3/7/2015 r.3/10/2015 r.3/11/2015
w/ thanks to Bar & Hawkman

Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
tailor STATELY