Just for fun

[DieterM]

All I seem to do these days is
window-shopping, counting
how many traffic lights
turn green when I arrive,
and greeting complete strangers
I meet in front of bakeries
or haberdasheries.
I always smirk when mothers have
nervous breakdowns in the middle
of zebra crossings while pushing
bulky four-wheeler-buggies with
little kids who scream for no reason.
To those who—just like me—
don’t see what else there is to life,
I also recommend to laugh out loud
when people tell important truths,
to step into dog poop before
entering a bank—"non olet", anyway,
as they pretend—and to ask
lengthy and absurd questions
during political rallies in the lead-up
to elections. Just for fun.

[Bar22do]

especially

"to laugh out loud
when people tell important truths" -

what else is there to life, indeed.

Thanks for your (Paris?) poem and

best from

Bar

[Hawkman]

Hi Dieter. I like the tone of this piece and it has some nice touches, but I feel that some flaws in execution are detracting from perfection.

There's an issue with the grammar at the beginning of this poem which makes me twitch a bit. It's the tense which leads to problems and I'd be wary of ending the line with is...

The problem is in the continuing present tense form of shop, count and greet. "All I do is shop, count, and greet people..."

I'm also a little wary of bakeries and haberdasheries. To have both over-extends the sentence, which lessens the comic effect. I'd consider dropping haberdasheries, as the five syllable word rumbles on a bit and the uncertainty of "or" also lessens the impact of the line. I'll leave you to ponder whether the assonance of "meet and greet," and the connotations of corporate hospitality that it invokes, is appropriate here, and whether "total strangers" would be a viable alternative.

the "four-wheeler-buggies" doesn't scan well; "four-wheel-buggies" has better rhythm.

"All I seem to do these days
is window-shop, count how many
traffic lights turn green
when I arrive, and greet
the complete strangers
that I meet
in front of bakeries."

The second half of the poem also reads a little awkwardly in places. the phrasing could be improved.

"To those who—just like me—
don't see what else there is to life,"

is ok as far as it goes, but there is no reason for the "also" in the next line. Beginning with the preposition "to", rather than "for" I'd be inclined to write:

"I say, 'laugh out loud
when people tell important truths,
step in dog poop before
entering a bank'..."

but I'd consider choosing a word other than poop, because the hard P at the end spoils the flow of the line.

I'm sure Vespasian would be proud to have you mis-quote him in your poem ;) but I feel the meaning is obscured here. I'm not sure exactly what point you are making. That dog-mess doesn't stink? Without the pecunia, are you implying that people will pretend not to smell the poop or the money? The "anyway" in context serves no purpose. The use of infinitive verbs; To step, to ask, is inappropriate. Just "step" and "ask" is sufficient.

—"non olet", anyway,
as they pretend—and to ask
lengthy and absurd questions
during political rallies in the lead-up
to elections. Just for fun."

The closing lines depart from the poetic and stray into the preserve of prose, and the "just for fun," I feel, should be separated by a comma rather than a full-stop.

By tightening the second half you'll sharpen the Rabelaisian, 'lord of misrule' subversive satire.

As I said, this poem has potential and its message is a fun one.

Live and be well - H