Small town spectacle

[Zudonim3]

Small town spectacle.

One night I was sitting in one of the two restaurants operating in my small town – it was around 9.pm and my semi alcoholic self had decided it to be a splendid quest to head out into the storm and embark on a diner at a Friday night that was usually, at this day and time; filled with the families of the town.

I’m a very lonely person and sometimes I just crave some human contact, no matter how little or insignificant it is – I just want to reassure myself that I still exist by being acknowledged in some way; a glance in my direction and a sense of eye contact is sufficient.

I ordered my glass of beer and sat at one of the tables close to the entrance.

Considering how populated the place was and the fact that I was alone and that this table could host 4 people – it was a naughty move on my part, probably received with subconscious stigmatization from the staff that observed this foul act of mine.

What can I say, I wanted to be in the middle of the party – party as in people I don’t know whatsoever that happened to be in my close vicinity dining with their friends and families.

Then all the sudden a scene initiates.

A bald 60 year old guy walks from his table from the corridor that connects the two dining halls and begins to bitterly spill out his feelings of discontent regarding the elongated time it is taking for his food to be placed in front of him.

The waitress feigns care and patiently explains to him that they are sorry and that they will get their food for free for their brutal endurance.

The man goes indignantly on about how inacceptable this is and his wife tells him to calm down in a rather dominating manner – as if she was taming a dog, except the taming was done only by a frustrated, vile stare of something one could describe as a resemblance of disgust that so often defines the prolonged and stiffened relationship of the elderly.

The man submits and they head back to their table after the woman humiliated him in front of just about everyone that had delightfully observed the spectacle that was like a bonus show for their money.

Afterwards the waitress dealing with him smiled at the face of the other young beautiful waitress and she glanced at me looking at her displaying this expression on her face that illuminates what lies beneath the surface of human exchanges.

Tonight was a jolly good night.

[Zudonim3]

Any comment about the writing would be greatly appreciated.

Just "it's bad" or "it's okay" would suffice.

[hounddog905]

No, it's not bad at all. Simple, short and to the point. To be honest, I was anticipating a more dramatic ending than just the two waitresses smiling at each other, then smiling at you. The phrase that reads: "subconscious stigmatization from the staff". I have no idea what that means, there's probably a simpler way of describing the staff's reaction.

[Zudonim3]

Thanks for the feedback, i guess revilement would have been a better word to use - i mean that the staff looked at him and they may have felt disapproving feelings upon seeing he had taken that entire table for himself, without actually acknowledging in their conscious thoughts that they had felt those feelings - hence subconscious revilement.

[abnormalalien]

Agreeing with hounddog, the writing is not bad. All writing could use improvement. I think I know what you meant by the waitresses subconsciously stigmatizing the man as selfish (?) because he was hogging a family table rather than taking a place at the counter or at a two-person table. But, I'm not sure subconscious really fits this. Honestly, if you've worked in retail/food-industry for more than a few months, not much of your revilement/stigmatism/customer-loathing attitudes remain below conscious level. It is more likely that the waitress was grumbling under her breath about why he couldn't just sit at the bar or that he better tip well if he's going to take up a large table in her section, jipping her of the larger tip she could get from a group or family.

[108 fountains]

An interesting storyline in how you went from the narrator being the subject of the action at first, then to the clash between the elderly customer and the waitress, and then back to the narrator. Also I liked the foreshadowing of the end when you say in para two: “a glance in my direction and a sense of eye contact is sufficient.”

But I have two criticisms, or maybe better described as areas for improvement. It reads more like an outline of what could be a much more developed and fuller story. For example, some description of the restaurant, the customers, and the waitress would help paint a more vivid picture. There are places where there is opportunity for dialogue – the encounter between the elderly man and the waitress, the encounter between the elderly man and his wife, and the reaction of the other customers – in fact, I could imagine that a skilled handling of dialogue in these places could be hilarious, which would make the story more enjoyable and memorable. That is my main advice for this story: take advantage of the opportunities for crisp, entertaining dialogue.

Another area that could use improvement is diction and usage. Better to use simple expressions and not try to impress with fancy words, and better to use descriptive nouns and verbs rather than rely on modifiers. Here are just a couple examples of what I mean:

“subconscious stigmatization” – “revilement” would not fit here; I think the word you are looking for is “disdain”

“bitterly spill out his feelings of discontent regarding the elongated time it is taking for his food to be placed in front of him” – you can be much more concise with something like “howl about how long he has been waiting for his food.”

“for their brutal endurance” – maybe better just to say “for their long wait” or “as compensation for their wait.”

“a frustrated, vile stare of something one could describe as a resemblance of disgust that so often defines the prolonged and stiffened relationship of the elderly.” This could be re-written any number of ways, for example, “a black scowl he had learned to dread over the years”

I found your other story, Kingdom of the Cats, to be better written, a totally different style, and showing great imagination.

The Pillars of Composure Crumble is also nicely done. The first sentence, however, suffers from some of the wordiness of a Small Town Spectacle: “A single silent tear ran down his flushing face as he closed his eyes lightly, looking down” – “A single tear ran down his face as he closed his eyes” seems to me to be sufficient.

Also, the ending. The last sentence explains what is going on and is pretty powerful, but you might consider leaving that last sentence out altogether. It would change the story dramatically in that the reader would be left guessing “why,” but it would also more strongly emphasize the interaction between the man and woman. I’m not suggesting it would be better to leave out the last sentence, but am just offering that as an alternative.

Finally, I’ll echo what hounddog said in his comment. We all post stories here hoping for some positive feedback and/or constructive criticism. The best way to receive that feedback is to offer your own for other people’s stories. As you said yourself, “Any comment about the writing would be greatly appreciated. Just ‘it’s bad’ or ‘it’s okay’ would suffice.”

[Gatsby11]

I agree with 108 Fountains. This feels like an outline to me. I love short stories because they often focus on one experience and only that experience. We see the psychology of that experience for one or two people (I like the way you described how the narrator just needed to be acknowledged as a human being; as a lonely person myself, that totally resonated with me), and it only lasts a few minutes, like what you've began here. I feel like there are some pert observations for you to make throughout this story about humans, public behavior, the within/without idea of the narrator being isolated in a public place, etc. Don't be afraid to let his mind wander. It'll make him more interesting as a person, more approachable, and the story will be more engaging generally.
I also agree with the others that some of the words feel a little too forced and/or nonsensical in places.

[Zudonim3]

Thanks again for the feedback guys - it means a lot to me. The reason why i'm somewhat hesitant to criticize others writing is simply because i've never done it before - i don't want to pretend to know better than others what constitutes as good or bad (it's often so subjective, but i guess you can objectively criticize things like punctuation and overuse of some words or something like that), and i'm now kind of realizing that i've never really criticized anything in my life unless it was extremely bad - like the ending combat scene from the movie Fury - (Spoiler alert?) there are just too many god damn unbelievable occurrences that make you want to slap the screenwriter in the face.

But i'll definitely consider paying some thoughts to future material i see on here - although i would hate to sound harsh or something.

[abnormalalien]

“subconscious stigmatization” – “revilement” would not fit here; I think the word you are looking for is “disdain”

Yes, disdain makes more more sense!

[108 fountains]

But i'll definitely consider paying some thoughts to future material i see on here - although i would hate to sound harsh or something.

I wouldn't worry about that. We are all as much novices at being critics as we are at being writers (with the exception of Aunt Shecky and Calidore and two or three others who are really excellent critics -- we miss you Calidore!) It's always good to be polite, but even that is not necessary. Nor is it necessary to go into great detail (although sometmes I will, especially if I see something of promise that I think can be improved). As you said in your own story - we just want to reassure ourselves that we still exist by being acknowledged in some way. So feel free to jump in, share comments, ideas, criticisms, compliments...