Summer Stifle.

[Delta40]

Fly spray won't keep
them away
nor frankincense
evaporating on the

sill

Ash from incense sticks
falls to the table
and I sit in the far

corner

behind bills, pizza vouchers
and charity pleas
watching the

candlelight

flicker across body moisturizer,
empty pint glasses
and melted butter

thinking

everything in front of me
is an advancing chess piece.

[Jerrybaldy]

Love the title and the structure and the evocative nature of the whole

[Hawkman]

This is... extraordinary. Such a simple, yet minutely observed moment, a meditation. For me, at least, it functions on multiple levels. It is a piece I'm sure I will keep returning to. I have no desire to deconstruct it. I enjoy it for what it is, and where it takes me.

Live and be well - H

[NikolaiI]

I will third the chorus; Delta, this is phenomenal.

[virtuoso]

Extraordinary until the last two lines. I love the futility ensconced in the better part of the poem. The last two lines did not satisfy me at all. Can you rewrite the poem and come up with a different summation. This poem is too good to let fallow. The conclusion is very important. I would love to see your thoughts and alternate ideas on the ending. Glad to see you back in the swing of things. You are missed when you take a break. What about, " Nature takes its course, and I am a pawn", or "Nature takes its course, and I live in its shadow". Anywho, good to see you writing again and hopefully again!

[Delta40]

Thanks virtuoso. What do other lit-netters think of this suggestion?

[DieterM]

Really excellent, D. I rather like your last two lines, which keeps things, I don't know how to put it, with a veil of mystery? light and summery, in a way. I wouldn't want a heavy, too "meaningful" ending. As it is, it's open, like an invitation for everyone to sit down and mediate themselves…

[MystyrMystyry]

bumps

[miyako73]

I won't change a thing, Delta. I like the randomness of images and their visual differences that cohesively combine into a whole narrative.

[AuntShecky]

Don't touch the closing lines. Forgive the mixed metaphor, but the image comes out of left field. It takes us totally by surprise, after the aromatic metaphors preceding it. To tell you the truth, you had me at "frankincense." There's a pun in that word.

[virtuoso]

Delta, interesting opinions from the litnutters, but I am still not satiated with the obvious ending to the poem. The breadth of the poem describes the advancing objects/actions. We know from your scintillating descriptions that these things are occurring in front of you. The ending begs the obvious. Maybe the other litnutters are satiated with a predictable summation at the end of the poem. Dullards all (just kidding, no offence intended). The body is brilliant. The best poem, excepting the ending, that you have ever written. Throw out some different endings and see if they mesh. Take it as a challenge!

[Delta40]

Thanks so much everyone for your feedback.

Virtuoso when you say obvious ending to a poem, do you mind being specific. I ask because I figure if there is more than one visual possible, it can't be that obvious. It can only be left to the reader to make their call and see what they will.

I enjoyed composing this while stumbling round in poetry darkness!

[virtuoso]

The ending is a simple summation of the poem. It is true that an obvious conclusion is the easiest to countenance. I, however, think that you could come up with a much more clever and enthralling ending to the poem. I will think of some good endings and throw them out there to you. It would be good if some of the other litnutters would chime in with their thoughts as well.

[virtuoso]

I thought of one ending. Here it is.

shadowing

the vigil of time
existing (or lingering) in its wake


I think that either existing or lingering would work in the last line. Your choice!

[virtuoso]

Here it is a humble revision of Delta's excellent poem. Give your opinions litnutters!



Fly spray won't keep
them away
nor frankincense
evaporating on the

sill

Ash from incense sticks
falls to the table
and I sit in the far

corner

behind bills, pizza vouchers
and charity pleas
watching the

candlelight

flicker across body moisturizer,
empty pint glasses
and melted butter

shadowing

the vigil of time
lingering in its wake

[Delta40]

Thanks virtuoso.

thinking

everything in front of me
is an advancing chess piece.

The reason why I am personally happy with the original closing lines is because they allow the reader to immediately respond to being overwhelmed by one's own environment down to its trivial responsibilities.

For me the question is whether the 'advancing chess pieces' are your own or not.

Because in terms of management, the strength factor of the reader is altered when the opposite of their obvious end is considered.

As Hawk said it was a minutely captured moment but I had time to reflect upon it as I sat there at the table.

You can understand why your well intended suggestions completely change the intent of my poem.

[miyako73]

virtuoso, it sounds to me the random pensive thoughts have been replaced with affected and pedantic ones.

These two lines are too much as far as my reading of the whole poem is concerned.

the vigil of time
lingering in its wake

[virtuoso]

Too deep, maybe, but not too much. A philosophical ending should be countenanced. It basically captures the obvious point that you are making, Delta, but it dresses it up and places it in an intellectual milieu. Everything is moving forward, but I would like a deeper explanation than the obvious statement of fact. What or who is the conveyor (time?), and where does that leave you (in the shadows?)

[Delta40]

There is no more to explain. I gave you an outline of my own experience writing the piece to give some insight but ultimately a snapshot moment speaks for itself. I do however expect you to develop your own understanding without explanation from me because that is your responsibility. If you are not satisfied then so be it and that's ok with me.

I do appreciate your input virtuoso.

[virtuoso]

Thanks, Delta40. I guess the ending stands. My hopes and dreams are fading! Thanks for understanding!

[Bar22do]

How come I have missed this one! It is an amazing evocation, so powerful it took me in within seconds! The economy of words only densifies the effect. Some of your poems (this for sure) are blessings going through you.
To say, you didn't think of poetry until you fell upon this Forum... Thank you Forum.

Thank you.

Bar