Liebestod

[DieterM]

When I die,
hot tears shall rinse your eyes,
so that the world I’ve left
wears yellow again
and blue and red and green,
not black.
Don’t stop your Comtoise clocks,
but listen how they tick,
reminding you
of Viennese coffeehouses,
Djej M’chermel with olives and lemon,
washed-out cinnabar clay walls
fencing in an improbable souk,
tiny fried fish and grilled feta and Retsina,
spiffy clouds playing games
above the Eiffel Tower.
Do not despair and toll your bells
nor veil your mirrors,
but burn my flesh,
and throw the ashes
from the Cape Sounion at sunset.
Listen to the white tintinnabulations
of an Estonian “De Profundis”,
feel the colours,
sense that one and one
is one at last.
And in the end,
when the Aegean tints
my final resting place
in velvet and black satin skies,
a last song shall ring out.
Let it be a woman,
let it be a Wagner orchestra,
and just remember
that mildly,
I smile and shine,
ever brighter,
star-haloed, rising higher,
whispering—

“…seht ihr's, Freunde?

Seht ihr's nicht?”

[Hawkman]

High Dieter. Lots to like here. I think I'd cut the commas between "...blue, and red, and..." let this line flow so that the pause before "not Black" is made more explicit and meaningful.

the "tick-tock-tick-tock" doesn't work for me, I feel it spoils the flow. I'd go for "ticks and tocks" here as it matches the rhythm of the preceding line.

I'd also be careful with all those 'of's. You only really need the first one.

I'm not sure about "bourgoise" associated with the "spiffy clouds" I have difficulty associating clouds with bourgoise games. do we need pathetic fallacy here? I think it might be better without.

I'd also be inclined to cut the first nor. I'd consider:

"Do not despair and toll your bells,
nor veil you mirrors"

"tintinnabulations" is a bit of a mouthful. something simpler here would be much better, though why they should be white is a mystery to me.

Lastly: "in black satin and velvet skies," the flow seems a bit off to me. I love the imagery but it would read better: "in velvet and black satin skies"

Everything else in this poem is pretty-much spot on. As a memento mori with its evocations of Auden, Wagner, etc. it works well.

live and be well - H

[DieterM]

Hey H., spot-on with most of your remarks. Where did that "bourgeois" come from, I ask myself? ;-) The only thing I would not change is the word "tintinnabulations"… were I to give a reading of this poem, i'd pronounce the word very slowly and stressing each syllable so as to produce the wanted sound-effect. In fact, the word has been used by the Estonian composer I'm referring to (Arvo Pärt, one of my favorites in contemporary music) when he tried to describe his music. Especially his choir works do sound like bells tolling here and there; very minimalistic and very effective. He spoke about the whiteness, too, which would contain every possible colour.
Anyway, glad you liked it. Btw, if you live longer than I do, I count on you for carrying out these instructions (it's some sort of personal testament). Do try, please, to make the Hilliard Ensemble perform that wonderful "De Profundis". As for Wagner, well, if you could contact Waltraud Meier and make HER sing the "Liebestod" for me, I'd owe you one. But wait—darn, I'd be dead by then! Well, never mind, I'll pay you back from beyond. Which chair would you like me to move, which old lady should I scare for you? hehe ;-)

[virtuoso]

Dieter, loved it, liked it, want more of it. The only phrase that I think might be a bit pithy is "sense that one and one is one at last". Maybe something more consequential and artistic like, "when my pulse flatlines, circadian rhythms still orbit" or "only one heart beats but two souls shadow". Anywho, your colorful description of your last will and testament is enthralling (in a morbid manner).

[Bar22do]

A fine, fine poem, Dieter.
And Arvo Prät too is among my chosen contemporary composers...

[DieterM]

TY, virtuoso & Bar22do; am always happy (and a bit confused because I don't understand how that happened) when people enjoy something I've written (I have to admit, however, that Hawkman helped me do some edits to make the whole thing flow more nicely). virtuoso, I agree that the "one and one is one" may sound so-whattish; again, it's part of an interview, and I thought I'd just weave it in; the same is true for the ending, which is a loose translation of the "Liebestod"-aria (and believe me, as far as Wagner's rubbish texts are concerned, translations ALWAYS improve them).

[NikolaiI]

Very nice, Dieter. I liked the colourful imagery and the hopefulness of the song of it. Thanks for sharing. :-)