108 fountains
02-06-2015, 10:57 AM
I made the mistake of filling out an online survey about a month ago and have been deluged with spam e-mails and telemarketers ever since. I probably get 2-4 calls every day. I ignore most of them; sometimes I’ll answer the phone using a very old man’s voice and try to have a little fun with them. Last night, I did that but my old man’s voice began to morph into that of Uncle Walter, which was even more fun. I’ll try to recount the conversation here as accurately as possible for you.
“I’m calling about your recently expressed interest in continuing education.”
“What did you say?”
“You recently expressed interest in continuing your education.”
“I did? I don’t remember. I’m 86 years old.”
“May I ask, what is the highest level of education you’ve attained?”
“I guess that would be high school. Let me see, that would have been about 70 year ago. Yep, I wanted to join the navy after I graduated, but the war was over by then, ye see.”
“So high school is your highest level of education?”
“I allays had a hankerin’ to join the navy. Go out in them thar big ol’ boats. I never been in a big boat afore. I been in little boats. Fishin’ boats on Crab Orchard Lake. Fishin’ for blue gill and catfish and the like.”
“Have you ever had a student loan in default?”
“I don’t rightly remember. No, I ain’t never had no student loan in default nor narywhere’s else as far as I kin remember. I’m 86 years old. I think I told ye that already.”
“Who will be the responsible party for payments?”
“I reckon that would be me. ‘Course my sisters. Sam and Lou, they don’t think I’m responsible.”
“Are you married with any dependents?”
“Oh, my wife she been dead now about 40 years. I went up to Minnesoty oncet with my new girlfriend Fianna Wolfe, but that didn’t turn out too good. Sam and Lou, they can tell ye all about that, I reckon.”
“What is your primary source of income?”
“Wa’al, I guess that would be mah Social Security. It took some doin’ to get that back from Fiana. I don’t wanna talk about that, though. Buddy Ball, mah neighbor, he comes by with some groceries oncet a while, an’ I got me a nevvy comes by and helps out sumtimes, too.
“Have you considered what field of study you are interested in pursuing?”
“Wa’al, let me see now. I hain’t really thought about it much, but mebbe gee-ology. Yeah, that’s it. Gee-ology. I allays had a hankerin’ fer prospectin’ fer gold and silver and diamonds and such. Gee-ology. That’s what I’ll do.”
“Please hold the line one minute. I’d like to connect you to one of our education specialists.”
At this point, I hung up the phone. I just couldn’t keep it up any longer. What was most amazing is how the telemarketer just kept on going through her scripted questions, not listening or caring at all about the answers, as long as she had the possibility of selling me something. I wonder how many poor old Uncle Walters actually get calls like this and how many might sign up for something they don’t need or want.
“I’m calling about your recently expressed interest in continuing education.”
“What did you say?”
“You recently expressed interest in continuing your education.”
“I did? I don’t remember. I’m 86 years old.”
“May I ask, what is the highest level of education you’ve attained?”
“I guess that would be high school. Let me see, that would have been about 70 year ago. Yep, I wanted to join the navy after I graduated, but the war was over by then, ye see.”
“So high school is your highest level of education?”
“I allays had a hankerin’ to join the navy. Go out in them thar big ol’ boats. I never been in a big boat afore. I been in little boats. Fishin’ boats on Crab Orchard Lake. Fishin’ for blue gill and catfish and the like.”
“Have you ever had a student loan in default?”
“I don’t rightly remember. No, I ain’t never had no student loan in default nor narywhere’s else as far as I kin remember. I’m 86 years old. I think I told ye that already.”
“Who will be the responsible party for payments?”
“I reckon that would be me. ‘Course my sisters. Sam and Lou, they don’t think I’m responsible.”
“Are you married with any dependents?”
“Oh, my wife she been dead now about 40 years. I went up to Minnesoty oncet with my new girlfriend Fianna Wolfe, but that didn’t turn out too good. Sam and Lou, they can tell ye all about that, I reckon.”
“What is your primary source of income?”
“Wa’al, I guess that would be mah Social Security. It took some doin’ to get that back from Fiana. I don’t wanna talk about that, though. Buddy Ball, mah neighbor, he comes by with some groceries oncet a while, an’ I got me a nevvy comes by and helps out sumtimes, too.
“Have you considered what field of study you are interested in pursuing?”
“Wa’al, let me see now. I hain’t really thought about it much, but mebbe gee-ology. Yeah, that’s it. Gee-ology. I allays had a hankerin’ fer prospectin’ fer gold and silver and diamonds and such. Gee-ology. That’s what I’ll do.”
“Please hold the line one minute. I’d like to connect you to one of our education specialists.”
At this point, I hung up the phone. I just couldn’t keep it up any longer. What was most amazing is how the telemarketer just kept on going through her scripted questions, not listening or caring at all about the answers, as long as she had the possibility of selling me something. I wonder how many poor old Uncle Walters actually get calls like this and how many might sign up for something they don’t need or want.