Two Without Titles

[Lykren]

untitled:

departure into night,
last fluorescence corked,
miles breathing slowly.

untitled:

The touch of your
sightless words
inflames me.
How like a god, to fail,
and not to sustain.

[blank|verse]

Two relative scraps from you, Lykren, but still a lot of substance here.

The first is nicely achieved: three, three-stress lines, with the pathetic fallacy of the third line working particularly well. It's a trait of yours to use strong anthropomorphic or synaesthetic metaphors.

My only criticism is that I would have liked more, especially given that the subject is travel. I would love to read the rest of the poem that starts with this brilliant introduction. But what we have reminds me of Wallace Stevens's 'Reality is an Activity of the Most August Imagination'. And there is always an august imagination at work in your own poems, Lykren.

The second borrows from Hamlet's 'What a piece of work is a man?' monologue. The reference lends the sentence ambiguity: Hamlet, and by extension the narrator of this poem, are talking about a man, not a god, or indeed God. The simile compares the two, while keeping them separate. So has the narrator been failed by a fellow human person?

Wonderful as always.

[Lykren]

Thanks for brightening my day, blank|verse!

The first one didn't have as its source anything other than a nighttime train ride, so I didn't feel it was appropriate to extend the poem and give it any sort of context. But of course I do see what you mean about it being a little unsatisfying as it is.

The second I'm not as fond of as you are. I think it's a little overblown, a little melodramatic. My idea behind it was to talk about the way we can simultaneously denigrate and worship a person, especially our beloved, and I'm not sure I made that point effectively.

Anyways, thanks as always!

[Lykren]

double post

[blank|verse]

That's ok, Lykren; I'm always glad to comment on your work.

And I agree with you that the first of the two pieces is the stronger; it might be worth bearing in mind that poems are 'made things' that don't have to be true, they just have to be truthful, so whether or not the next part of the poem, were you to write it, actually happened to you or not is irrelevant - the poem is more important than personal recollection or experience. It might be worth considering what you can do with the theme you've introduced. It could potentially go anywhere!

I also see you've posted some other poems recently; I don't have time to comment on them now, but I'll try and do so soon; my time on the boards is somewhat more sporadic than it used to be. Thanks again.

[Lykren]

Okay blank|verse, no need to comment on those, but if you do I will be very thankful!

You have a point there about truthfulness over truth. Maybe a more honest reason for my decision not to flesh out the travel poem is um, laziness... haha. Writing poems is hard work, especially when you feel good about the beginning and don't know how to follow it up. But I'll think about it.