Déjà vu

[DieterM]

The Seine washed by, lazy, uncaring.
Rain dripped and dropped,
dripped and dropped
on wintry brown water.
It reeked of piss and sweat
under the stone bridge
where an old man played
the saxophone blues
on that black-and-white afternoon.
As echoes and reflections danced,
we didn’t kiss, we didn’t touch,
but I remembered in advance
what was to come
and grieved in silence.

[Hawkman]

Not bad, this, Dieter. The opening is a little tired, and I'm not keen on your expression with "dripped and dropped" especially repeated. I know what you're going for here, but this feels a little naive. I'm not sure whether it's just a mistake, or if you're actually trying link the smells of piss and sweat to the Seine. If you are, it doesn't quite ring true. Better to start the line with the change of scene to below the bridge. Which bridge, by the way? I think the specific landmark might be a nice touch. From here it gets much better. Interesting tension between the hint of colour in the blues, and, "on that black and white afternoon." Good expression here, but "danced" might be a bit "safe" so you might consider an alternative that's a bit more, well... immersive. Show us the play of light, tell us how they danced, so you can keep the assonance with advance. I really like the last four lines.


Live and be well - H

[DieterM]

Dear Hawkman, you're absolutely right. The lazy Seine is somewhat tired, the drip-drop too—I'll find something better. As a matter of fact, I initially started the next lines with "under the stone bridge" and, for reasons obscure to myself, changed it before posting. I'll have a new go as soon as possible. Thanks for stopping by and commenting :-)

[DieterM]

Déjà vu

The stone banks of the river Seine,
and wintry brown puddles,
and raindrops drawing our first circles…

Under the Pont Royal,
it reeked of piss and sweat,
and an old man played
the saxophone blues
on that black-and-white afternoon.

As echoes and reflections
pole-danced around us,
we didn’t kiss, we didn’t touch,
but I remembered in advance
what was to come
and grieved in silence.


PS: not yet fully satisfied, but I'll get there, I'll get there :-)

[Hawkman]

Lots better, Dieter, but the first stanza is still problematic, I Feel. The main body of the poem is in past tense and I think the piece would benefit from putting S1 into the same frame. Too many ands as well. Have a think about it..

Live and be well - H

[Carousel]

Under the Pont Royal,
it reeked of piss and sweat,
and an old man played
the saxophone blues
on that black-and-white afternoon.

I agree, the use of so many link words rather spoils this poem especially when you consider it’s easy to rectify.
Just one example.

Under the Pont Royal,
Reeking of piss and sweat,
while an old man played
saxophone blues
on that black-and-white afternoon.

Cari.

[DieterM]

Thanks, Hawkie and Car. As always, I appreciate your input. I'll leave the poem as it is for the moment; but I'll get back to it as soon as I have a better idea of how to arrange things. :-)