Short (belated) Christmas Story

[Bjornnesss]

I want feedback on this intro (or possible first chapter) of a novel I might write. Please do not try to be nice and lie to make me feel good about myself. I want real feedback as to if this is a good start to a story or not.

Olaf drove up to his driveway to be greeted by a magnificent twenty foot tall, colorful Christmas tree that was finally set up and displayed in front of Olaf Svengard's house. Olaf stood by the tree and tilted his head up to try to see the Golden Eagle of the nation Hentar at the top. When he finally spotted it, he smirked and nodded in content. His minister of agriculture and wildlife came next to Olaf and asked him of his overall opinion of the tree. "It's...lavishly outstanding!" exclaimed Olaf Svengard as a tear slowly formed in his eye. Olaf, still staring at the Golden Eagle, saluted to it in a patriotic yet majestic manner as that Eagle reminded him of all the troubles and conflicts Hentar had to face to become such a great nation. Olaf then proceeded to examine the tree once more, slowly examining all the ornate red and green ornaments surrounding the tree. One bulb caught his eye due to it's shiny glass. Olaf slowly picked it off the branch with his hands and examined it. His reflection of his face mirrored perfectly off the bulb. He smiled and was about to put it back when he heard a faint beeping noise coming from inside the bulb. Puzzled, he was about to put it to his ear to try to find the mystery of the noise, but before he could, one of his security guards leaped toward Olaf and pushed him out of the way. "A bomb a bomb, get everybody out of here!!!" yelled the security guard. Olaf, along with the rest of his family and government officials, horrifyingly ran inside the spectacularly large mansion. A few moments later, an earth rattling explosion sent the tree, along with parts of Olaf’s mansion in flames.

[MANICHAEAN]

“I want feedback on this intro (or possible first chapter) of a novel I might write. Please do not try to be nice and lie to make me feel good about myself. I want real feedback as to if this is a good start to a story or not.”

Ok. Let’s go through it and comment as we go.

Olaf drove up to his driveway to be greeted by a magnificent twenty foot tall, colorful Christmas tree that was finally set up and displayed in front of Olaf Svengard's house.

(Too many “Olaf’s”. Use an alternative, even if it’s only “he”.)

Olaf (See what I mean, another “Olaf” in short succession.)

stood by the tree and tilted his head up to try to see the Golden Eagle of the nation Hentar at the top.

(I honestly think you would get a better balance to this introduction by initially giving a few lines regards the country of “Hentar” and the significance of the “Golden Eagle”).

When he finally spotted it, he smirked and nodded in content. His minister of

(Agriculture)

agriculture and

(Wildlife)

wildlife came next to Olaf and asked him of his overall opinion of the tree.

(Try and join the sentences up more to give the narrative a flow.)

"It's...lavishly outstanding!" exclaimed Olaf Svengard as a tear slowly formed in his eye. Olaf, still staring at the Golden Eagle, saluted to it in a patriotic yet majestic manner as that Eagle reminded him of all the troubles and conflicts Hentar had to face to become such a great nation.

(Elaborate a bit; give the reader some meat to get his teeth into.)

Olaf then proceeded to examine the tree once more, slowly examining

(two examinations!)

all the ornate red and green ornaments surrounding the tree. One bulb caught his eye due to its shiny glass. Olaf

(Another “Olaf”. Mind you I’m as guilty in my own stories, so just try and improve on it.)

slowly picked it off the branch with his hands and examined it. His reflection of his

(repetition “his” in the same sentence. Walk away from the story when written, then try and read it slowly afresh to make improvements where needed.)

face mirrored perfectly off the bulb. He smiled and was about to put it back when he heard a faint beeping noise coming from inside the bulb.

(Good, the story starts to evolve.)

Puzzled, he was about to put it to his ear to try to find the mystery of the noise, but before he could, one of his security guards leaped toward Olaf and pushed him out of the way. "A bomb a bomb, get everybody out of here!!!" yelled the security guard. Olaf, along with the rest of his family and government officials, horrifyingly ran inside the spectacularly

(not sure of the use of “spectacularly” here. As I said earlier, this could perhaps be part of an initial general story introduction.)

large mansion. A few moments later, an earth rattling explosion sent the tree, along with parts of Olaf’s mansion in flames.

Overall you have the beginnings of a story and the enthusiasm to boot. Just look out for:
1. Too much repetition. I counted eleven uses of the name “Olaf” in a very short piece.
2. Let your sentences flow more together.
3. Look for alternate, more interesting verbs. There are plenty out there, just read as widely as you can.
4. Good luck.
Best regards
M.