Wonder

[DieterM]

The sky is
Falling
Falling
Falling
Colours hum
In monotones
Only my blue eyes
Are shining with wondrous light
As I gaze
At your delicate white neck
Where tiny wispy hairs
Probe the dusk

[Carousel]

The sky is
Falling
Falling
Falling
Colours hum
In monotones
Only my blue eyes
Are shining with wondrous light
As I gaze
At your delicate white neck
Where tiny wispy hairs
Probe the dusk

Colours hum?
It may sound poetic but in reality has no meaning. I can live with the ‘monotones’ so why not-
Colours blend
In monotones.

Personally I avoid using the adjective ‘wondrous’ in any poem, but that’s just me.

The wispy hairs probing the dusk? To be able to achieve that the hairs would have to be incandescent, I am sure you can think of a better ending.

Cari

[DieterM]

Hey, Car, thanks for stopping by and commenting. Input is something very precious to me. I'll give the whole thing a new go as soon as I come up with better phrasing. Especially the humming colours (flashy colours cry out, so why not make colours hum?) will be difficult; they do not blend, in fact, but what the heck do they do then? I'll find a solution, be reassured :-) Thanks again.

[virtuoso]

The sky is
blazing
orange cinders
melting
black embers
falling
gray ashes
only my eyes of blue
varnish the folds
of your satin neck
that solemnly deflect
the last specks of dusk



Let's make it three for the price of one! I like the idea of the colors parading in various shades. If you were more descriptive in the first part of the poem, then the colors would speak for themselves. With a colorful montage, you would not need the lines "colors hum"/ "In monotones". That is my humble evaluation. On the other hand, if this poem was not so inspiring, then we would not all be trying to re-write it. The mesmerizing lady in the throes of a palling dusk is quiet titillating. Thank you for your entree!

[DieterM]

Hm, virtuoso… If I said I preferred your rewrite to my own lines, would you believe it? Anyway, it's true. Even if some of the things I wanted to express have been changed to something else altogether. For me, if "colours hum/in monotones", it's nothing like a blazing sky, orange cinders, and so on. What I had in mind, on the contrary, was a grey, indistinct light, when a dull, grey day merges into a cloudy dusk, leaving just enough (greyish) light to make the hairs on a neck shine against a blackening sky. But that was my original idea, and as I wrote above, I really like the result of your own inspiration.

[virtuoso]

I owe it to your inspiration!