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Donnelly
01-03-2015, 01:07 PM
Peter Bumby had just turned thirteen. He was quite tall for his age and well-built. He had short blond hair and blue eyes. This morning he was wearing a clean white shirt tucked in and his navy school tie with yellow stripes was neatly tied. Instead of his usual navy school ones, today he wore a new pair of smart grey flannel trousers, fastened with a black belt. His black shoes were well-polished.
As he was walking to school a girl in his class came up behind him. She was slightly shorter than he was and had long dark hair. Her name was Rachel Pearson. She was wearing a white blouse and a navy skirt.
‘Good morning, Mr Bumby,’ she said. Peter blushed.
‘Good morning, Miss Pearson,’ he replied.
‘You look very smart today,’ she said.
‘Thank you,’ he replied. He hadn’t overcome his uneasiness, knowing that she was looking at him admiringly, as if trying to work out what was different about him.
‘Mr Bumby,’ she said, ‘have you got some new trousers on?’
‘Yes, Miss Pearson,’ Peter replied.
‘They’re lovely,’ Rachel said. ‘I think they suit you.’
‘Thank you,’ said Peter. ‘I got them for my birthday.’
‘Your birthday?’
‘At the weekend.’
‘I didn’t know.’
Peter was at a loss for what to say. He and Rachel were friends, but he didn’t know her all that well. The trousers had been part of a suit his parents had bought him for his birthday. He hadn’t had occasion to wear it yet, but decided to wear the trousers to school for a change, as boys were allowed to wear grey as well as navy, though very few did. He hadn’t really expected anyone to notice. No-one else seemed to for the rest of the day. He didn’t really think about Rachel again, until he was at home in the evening, when an envelope was posted through the front door. While he was watching television in the front room with his younger sister Louise, their mother came in and handed Peter the envelope.
‘There’s a card come for you,’ she said to him. It was addressed to ‘Mr Peter Bumby.’

omferas
01-06-2015, 07:25 AM
I think the text need to Complete.
Thank you

Carousel
01-06-2015, 08:18 AM
I really can’t imagine thirteen year old's addressing each other as Mr. and Miss. especially when they obviously know each other. I would drop that and use their first names. Much of the text in this opening is taken up with description of clothing which I suggest is not the most dramatic way to grab the reader’s attention.

However it’s a sweet little tale of the stirrings of puppy love and my advice would be to broaden the piece a little, immerse your self in the feelings of the couple and work on the dialogue between them; at the moment it reads rather stilted and doesn’t have an authentic ring to it.

Regards Cari.