Oppinons on my work

[drumguy1395]

Howdy! This is my first post to this forum and I wanted some opinions on some things I've written. I'm a sophomore at Texas A&M and write every now and then in my free time. This poem is one I wrote about a year back, I really don't like the rhyme scheme I used, but I thought the first poem I posted would be the first one I wrote, so here goes nothing. opinions please!
(Warning! It's rather sad..)

If She Knew


Happiness, is a strange thing, but it's the thing that drives my heart to do.
And my goal, in You, and everything I do, is to bring happiness, true.
But I fear,
She'd be less happy if She knew.

The one, whose smiling face brings a joy to me one couldn’t find more true,
The one whose perfect beauty cannot be put into words imaginable by me or you.
The one, for whom anything I would do,
Would be less happy if She knew.

If She knew,
That just seeing Her, just the glimpse I seek, is the happiest part of every week.
And that every night I dream and think,
Of conversations I wish could be.
And perhaps even a future, or at least a better past,
For Her and me.

A day where we could smile, and forget the blame.
Where I can provide, and protect, and tell her She's beautiful, without the shame..
“Why do you care so much?” She asks. My dear, You know the answer.
I dare not call it love, but I know it has no other name.

So I’ll call it love, and loving Her will be my cure.
And there would need to be another word made,
Because my passion for Her, and “love”, just aren’t quite the same.
And my love would grow more and more everyday,
And every night, loving Her is the dream I’d claim.


But I shouldn’t so dream.
Because all this joy has been lost in the sea,
Of blue and green; that gleam,
In Her eyes and laugh.
That precious stained glass, is hidden from me, on my behalf.

For the one I wish to so truly know,
Is one I hurt, long ago.
There is pain in Her heart, I know.
But the pain in Her soul,
Is a pain in me that continues to grow.

For every time I see that face,
Smiling off in another place,
I know, She would be less happy,
If my love were to really show.

But my heart will forever hope.
To one day hold Her smile as a prize,
To once more look into those beloved eyes.
But for now, off in Her own bed She lies.
Wishing nothing more, with me, to do.
Yes..
She would be less happy, if She knew.

[dara.cv]

It swings from moods of adoration and regret. I would say it appropriately expresses your character's feelings, but not in a way that is novel. Though, I think anyone could relate to this I don't think it leads the reader into that same place of absolute love or despair that it states so plainly. You have your moments in some lines such "I dare not call it love, but I know it has no other name." but the following line of where you do then call it love deters from even this expression. I know when I ask for opinions I prefer to have them than to instead be ignored. I am by no means an English major or worthy of many people's esteem on here, so take this just as my personal opinion and not a reflection of the more experienced writers you can find on this forum.