AlligatorJackso
11-27-2014, 11:52 PM
THE FABULOUS FAB: PSYCHIATRIST TO THE SUPER HEROES
CHAPTER 1
My watch displayed 12:58 PM as I propped open my door and stood in front of my office but just off to the left as not to block the entrance. In two minutes, the world-famous Blaze would come racing past me into my office. The super-hero types were all the same in the regard that they never showed up late or early: they always arrived right in the nick of time.
Allow me to introduce myself: I am Dr. Fenton A. Bonecutter. I am known as The Psychiatrist to the super heroes. Years ago, I spotted a very depressed Chicken Man walking back and forth a crowded bridge in Florida. As I drove up to him, I was not sure why he kept crossing the road, but being a professional, I could tell he was distressed. As I stopped and talked with him, he disclosed to me that he planned to wring his own neck and fall 1000 feet to his death.
Apparently, he had gotten drunk and in a moment of defiance, ate at a KFC. When he sobered up, he hate himself for committing what he called "an act of cannibalism. We crossed the road together for hours and he told me his life story. You see, superheroes are quite complicated. Many suffer from mood disorders and many also wrestle with obvious split personalities. Although they may have superhuman powers, they are all human in the regards that they put their pants on one leg at a time, breathe oxygen, and have real human emotions like you and I have. Most stress out over electric bills just like we do and many stress themselves out over that particular blond or redhead, just like you and I. Love (and lust) makes the world go around and it also buys doctors like me houses and nice cars. Super heroes may work alone most of the time but that does not mean there is not a nice brunette on his mind the whole time.
Part of Chicken Man's problems stemmed from ADHD. The affliction caused Chicken Man to be constantly confused. He said he was always "running around like a chicken with his head cut off." Once, I got him on the right medications I was able to be therapeutic and help him take a slow, rational look at his life. Over a period of a few years, Chicken Man started realizing he did not have to get fried all of the time and that he could be in control of his life. His depression gradually went away. Once Chicken Man began chirping about how I helped him turn his life around, I began being contacted my those within the super hero community. As I helped each hero, another hero stepped forward for help. Soon I was a super hero myself - Fabulous Fab. Of course, FAB was my initials Fenton A. Bonecutter.
As the digits on my watch turned to 1:00, a marvelous red and yellow flash streaked right in front of me and into my office.
"Good afternoon, Blaze," I smiled as I shut the door to my office.
"Hello, Fab," The blur stopped and suddenly there was a man in an red and yellow suit where a blur of light had just ended. He stopped and stood still for a few seconds and then suddenly blurted around the room in a few flashes.
I could that there was something that was bothering my neurotic patient The Blaze. "Blaze, how are you doing? Something seems to be a little off with you today?"
"Well, Fab, I'm fine, actually. Well, not really...well, I guess I really don't know.
Fab, why did you close that door?" Blaze's voice started to raise, I blinked and suddenly he was in my face, yelling at me. "You know me better than anyone, Fab. You know a closed door makes me feel trapped. I don't like closed in places, Fab. You know that better than anyone. Why did you do it? Do you want some of me. Do you want to go, Buddy?"
"Blaze, calm down...please. I'm sorry. I forgot."
"How can you forget? You are the doctor. If I can't trust you to remember how I am, what good are you to me? Wait, I'm sorry, Fab. I didn't mean to lose my temper. I'm just upset. I don't know, man, I just don't know but I'm really sorry, Dude."
"That's all right, Blaze. Let me give you something to help calm you down. Just a little shot so we can talk a little."
"Sure, Fab. I'm really sorry. I've just been confused lately. The whole Blaze thing is bothering me again. I guess I obsess too much about my name. But...I mean... owww, that stung a little, Fab."
"That's all right, it will feel better soon, you are stressing yourself out, remember the high blood pressure."
Well, anyway, yeah... it's the name thing again. In the beginning Blaze made sense because I was faster than Blazes. My speed was just blazing fast. But, now it just doesn't fit, you know what I mean? I'm mean the human torch should be called blaze because when he turns to fire he is blazing...literally. Me, I'm fast, I should be Speedy or Quickie....No, not Quickie, that sounds kind of sexual, know what I mean?"
"Well, Blaze, a name may be part of who you are but it is only a name or a label. You can not let a label define who you are. you are more than just speed. In fact, you are wearing your body out with all of this speed as we have discussed before. I think you need to slow things down a bit and give your mind a chance to catch up with your body."
"But, Fab. Speed is who I am."
"No, Blaze. You are fast but that's not who you are. You have brains and a great sense of humor. You can't let your skill define you."
"Wow! I really feel that shot already. What was it?"
"Just something to help you chill a little. Nothing too strong, just a touch of Thorazine."
"Just a little, huh? I'd hate to take a lot. Whew! It's got a kick!"
"You need to quit obsessing so much and learn to enjoy life. I'm going to up your dose some because what I prescribed does not seem to be helping much. Are you taking what I prescribed."
"Yes, but it makes me feel funny. I feel different. I've noticed my walking is off, I seem to shuffle more. I can't let it effect my speed. My speed saves lives. My job depends on my speed."
"Listen to me, Blaze. You are killing yourself. It is imperative that you take a vacation. Let the world save it self for a while. Let Awesome Dude carry you for a while, while you get some rest. Take a nice vacation."
"Yeah, that Awesome Dude has been lazy lately. A vacation? Hmmm sounds kind of nice. You know, I have been working awful hard lately."
"Yes, too hard. And you are so fast, you don't even have to take a plane, you can run to France or Italy in no time, so it won't cost you much money. Just relax...and take your medicine."
"A beach? A beach seems kind of nice. I DO need some 'me' time."
"Yes, you do Blaze. Yes you do."
CHAPTER 2
The amazing thing about superheroes in general is that despite the fact that they put their lives at risk everyday, they seem remarkably self-centered. If you enter into a conversation with a super hero you will find that he talks about himself or his impact most of the time. Probably the most boorish example of this is Awesome Dude.
In all fairness, Awesome Dude can do it all. He can fly, he is the strongest of all heroes and he has male model looks. Lately, the hero has been in denial about his sexuality. It is beginning to look like Awesome Dude is hiding in a super big closet. When he talks, he always avoids talking about his sexual preference. He just looks amazingly neat for someone who is flying in the sky looking for trouble. He uses so much hairspray he could fly through a tornado and not of strand of hair is out of place.
His outfit is also a little too feminine for his own good. The smiley face in the middle of his blue tights is a give-away if the blue tights themselves isn't a give-way of his sexual preference. Of course, you can not forget the red cape. It is 2014, who really wears a cape? But then again, if Awesome was really gay would he not have better fashion sense?
Awesome only wants to talk about his powers and his feats. No matter how much I prompt him to talk about his feelings and the environment around him, he always brings the conversation back to his muscles and his accomplishments.
On this day, he entered my office like he always does and that is through my office window. He came in and immediately starting spilling the same poo about his superhuman strength and how great it is to fly. Today, I lost my patience with the lack of progress.
I exploded, "Awesome Dude everyone obviously knows how awesome you are or they wouldn't call you Awesome Dude. How are we ever going to make a breakthrough if you won't talk about your feelings?"
Awesome Dude looked dumbfounded, he mumbled, "Breakthrough? What do you mean breakthrough?"
"How are you going to get better if you won't talk about your problems?"
"What problems? I'm perfect that's why I'm Awesome Dude."
"Then, if you are so perfect why are you here? If you don't want to improve than why do you come see me every week. You do realize I'm a psychiatrist, don't you?"
"Uhhh well, I guess so. I thought you just liked to hang out with me."
"You pay me all of that money because I like to hang out with you?"
"Well, now that you put it like that, I guess it does sound a little strange."
"Listen to me Awesome Dude, you are messed up just like all of your super powered buddies. You are all here because you are smart enough to realize that despite all of the superhuman abilities you guys have that you aren't happy. Something is missing from you guy's lives and you know that, but you are in denial?"
"Really? Do you really think that about Awesome Dude? I mean, I can fly. Do you think that I think that I'm missing something in my life?"
"Awesome Dude, you brag all of the time about being the most handsome guy on Earth. You brag about bench-pressing over 250,000 pounds. If you are so amazing, then why do you not ever have a date. Even if you don't like women, you don't even date men. Maybe if you quit talking about how you can bench over a quarter of a ton and learn to communicate maybe you can have a real relationship with someone and you won't be so dang unhappy!"
"Well, I kind of see your point."
"What the heck, Awesome Dude? You have x-ray vision and you can only kind of see my point? Dude, start talking about others. Just don't talk about your strengths. Try to be normal. Talk about yourself and don't just brag, try to really dig deep down and make a connection with someone. To do that, you can't always be so dang strong or you'll intimidate everyone and they will never get close to you. If you people to be able to relate to you, don't be afraid to show your weaknesses sometimes."
Weaknesses? I never really thought about weaknesses."
"People like to see vulnerability in their friends and lovers. They like to think that the people in their lives need them. It's not fun to always being saved, people like to be heros too sometimes. It's make them feel good and brings couples closer together."
"Hmmmm...really? Like for example...Bob down at the deli. If I act like I can't make up my mind of which kind of cheese I want on my sub, do you think he'd like me better?"
"That's a start, Awesome Dude. Let him be the hero sometimes and he will get to feel good about himself and feel better about you. Like me, I've been talking with you for over a year and you have not changed. I do not feel like I've helped you at all."
"Well, honestly Fab, I don't see where you have helped me."
"It's killing me, Dude. I need to know just one of your weaknesses so I don't feel like I'm wasting my time. Just one!"
"All right, Fab. I'll try this. I only have one weakness. I'm telling you something that no one else knows so please don't laugh. The only thing that can stop Awesome Dude is....ring pops."
I looked up stunned, "Ring Pops? You mean like the candy? The only thing that stops Awesome Man is a piece of candy?"
"I've never been able to figure it out but I almost died as a little kid when a girl gave me a ring pop at school. I guess that's why I've always been afraid of women, now that I think about it. It must be made with an ingredient from my home planet because suckers like Charms or Tootsie Pops don't work. Even Dum-Dums have no affect on me."
"Hmmmm....very interesting. The strongest dude on the planet is humbled by a sucker...and not even a good one?"
"Yeah, kind of funny if you think about it, huh?'
"Well, we all have things that take our breath away. Dang, look how fast the time flew today. Looks like we are out of time, Awesome Dude. I'll catch you same time next week, just stay out of candy stores."
"Thanks, Fab and one thing you never will see is Awesome dude in a candy store! Oh, yeah, don't forget that doctor patient confidentiality thingy thing."
CHAPTER 3
Awesome Dude went on his merry way and I chuckled too myself how someone so strong could be brought to their knees by a child's candy like Ring Pops. Of course, I'm a professional so I do not judge. Next up was my appointment with The Watchgator. The Watchgator is a regular mortal without any superpowers. But he developed himself through karate and is so stunningly intelligent that he is more capable than most humans. He had made a huge name for himself by bringing villains like The Jester and The Walrus to justice. Even though he was rich, handsome, well-educated, and dangerous with his hands, he still had self-esteem issues because he could not fly like Awesome Dude or he did not have super speed like The Blaze.
In fact, The Watchgator was quite normal. He used the name Watchgator because he looked out for citizens and he always liked alligators. He did not have any gator qualities like sharp teeth or anything like that and that was a disappointment to him. He felt that heroes like Awesome Dude did not give him the proper respect because of it. He was quite right. Awesome Dude referred to him as Generic Guy.
The Watchgator was Bipolar. He was very cheerful in the daytime but his darkness is what made him The Watchgator. He was a night person but he was very depressed at nights and very unfriendly. He stayed awake at nights and guarded the city with a vigilance. His alter ego was Kirk Curtis. Curtis was a rich and successful businessman. His Bipolar Disorder drove him to be the superhero The Watchgator as he roamed the city stalking bad guys to take his anger out on. He often left the bad guys bruised and bloodied.
Sessions with The Watchgator were always quite interesting. we would meet at 7PM so his Bipolar was right in the middle. He was cheerful Kirk Curtis but as the sessions got later you could see his mood change to The Watchgator. We once had a midnight session so I could meet the dark side and it was quite eventful. He was far more aggressive and angry as The Watchgator.
On this evening he came in through the window like Awesome Dude. He winked at me through his cowl and snarled, "See I may not be able to fly like certain pretty boys in tights, but I get the job done."
"Well, it is always a pleasure to see you Gator," I smiled.
"Well, I was feeling pretty good a little earlier but for some reason I just keep getting more pissed as the day goes by and I just had a bad experience on the way here and I'm more upset than usual."
I looked surprised and asked, "Oh no, what happened another encounter with The Jester?"
"No nothing like that. Just a bunch of punks. I was parking the Gatormobile and a bunch of punks rode by and yelled: 'Hey Superloser, why don't you get a real superpower like that gay dude."
"Hmmmm, how does that make you feel?" I asked, already knowing the answer.
"How should I feel? "The costumed crusader cackled. "I've literally filled prisons with crime fighting abilities but no one ever remembers me as the silent and dark hero who fills jails with evil masterminds. No, they know me as the hero that can't leap tall buildings with a single bound. It's never - 'thanks, Gator' for putting bad guys away' or 'thanks, Gator, for getting my purse back. It's always Awesome Dude, Awesome Dude, Awesome Dude! I get tired of hearing about that guy."
"Well, just remember the coping techniques I've taught you and try not to let it make you physically ill like it does. Remember your blood pressure."
"Well, he does it to taunt me. He's laughing at me. He is always doing things to aggravate me. Just like when he stole my sidekick Froggy. He just wanted to jump Froggy because he knew Froggy was my loyal swamp sidekick. he didn't want a relationship with Froggy but he used him just to taunt me. Now, I don't have a sidekick."
"You cannot let Awesome guy make you so angry and change who you are. You have useful skills too. You have a car that goes pretty fast. It might not be as fast as Blaze but..."
"That's another pretty boy I cannot stand. It's always 'Blaze, Blaze, Blaze.' What kind of superhero wears red? You can't scare anyone wearing red. Real superheroes wear dark colors like me."
"Well, that's kind of a good point I guess, Gator, but maybe when you have super powers you don't have to intimidate people." I realized what I said and put my hand over my mouth but it was too late.
The Watchgator was horrified, "See what I mean. No one takes me seriously. I am a real hero. I am. I am!"
The Watchgator was shrieking like a school girl. In a stunned moment, I witnessed something I never had seen before. I watched something I did not think was possible. I stood there stunned. I was gawking, it was like a train wreck, I just could not turned away. For I just watched a superhero cry.
Suddenly, The Watchgator sat down and began crying real tears. They streamed down his cowl. Then, without warning he jumped up and and threw a roundhouse punch that sit me flying across the room. My head hit the wall and I slowly slid down the wall. My eyes closed for a few brief but painful moments but when I woke up the towering hero dressed in black was gone.
The Watchgator rocked my jaw pretty hard. Being a professional I should have known better than to make him so angry. He really gets angry as he changes from Kirk to Watchgator and as the evening gets later his temper and disposition gets worse. I put ice on my jaw and tried to eat dinner but it was hard to chew. I had one last meeting.
My last client for the day was The Tarantula. The Tarantula was bitten by an experimental lab spider and had gain super hero powers because of the bite.
He leap amazing heights and propel himself around the city with his spider web. he trapped many bad guys with his web. Many, many, many, many bad guys. Yes, his problem was that he had trapped too many. Now, The tarantula was getting old.
He would never tell me how old he was but even his black and red costume was starting to fade. His web would not always shoot when he wanted it to.
Recently, The Tarantula was chasing a robbery suspect across the city. The robber was in a Camaro speeding through town and The tarantula, like he had done literally thousands of times, used his web to attach himself to buildings and propel quickly through downtown. This time, though, the extra twenty pounds the Tarantula had put on lately, caused his web to snap and fell twenty feet down onto a top of a parked car and broke his hip.
The Tarantula slowly plodded into my office leaning on a walker with two wheels. He perked up when he caught a glimpse of me walking toward him.
"Fab!" He yelled and then grabbed his hip in pain. "On my, it's great to see you Fab. you look Fabulous."
I was kind of taken back because this was the first time I had seen him since he broke his hip. I had been seeing him for over three years and he had really aged during this time. He looked like a broken spider. I shook his hand and said, "I heard about your accident. I'm very sorry, Tarantula."
"I've been waiting to see you, Fab. It's tough adjusting to this. It's rough getting old but this broken hip isn't helping matters much."
"Like we talked about before, getting older is a natural process."
"It's hard getting used to. I guess I was in denial. The signs were there but I was ignoring them?"
I looked closely at him and asked, "Really? What were some of the signs?"
"Well, I knew I had gained weight, the outfit was getting tight but I had recently changed detergents and thought maybe the uniform shrank. The neighborhood kids called me Crackman and Super Plummer because they could see my butt crack when I bent over."
"Really? Why didn't you just get a bigger suit?"
"Pride mostly. Silly superhuman pride. It was easier to just act like I wasn't changing. I did start taking vitamins though. I started taking naps in between looking for crime to fight."
"Well, we have been talking about this for a while. You were in denial. Remember when I tried to get you to wear glasses?"
"But, Fab, people would laugh at a superhero with glasses. What kin of superhero can do super things but can't see?"
"Tarantula, everyone's eye sight gets worse as they age. You might have super powers and can move fast but you can't out run Father Time."
"I'm coming back from this hip injury Fab. I'm not going to let it keep me down. the Tarantula will be up and about soon."
"You are going to have to face your mortality Tarantula, or you will continue to hurt yourself. You are going to have to change your lifestyle and accept that you are getting older. We all get older."
"I'm not gett-....Uh-oh!"
"Tarantula, what's wrong?" I looked at him and if a red mask could get any redder, his would have. Suddenly his hands covered his crotch area and his suit turned darker. After a moment of awkward silence I asked, "Tarantula, did you just pee yourself?"
CHAPTER 4
I spent the next few days hashing over my super patients treatment plans and trying to decide what was the best way to treat them. I had some serious concerns. What happens if one of these super nuts goes off the hook and hurts an innocent person. Sure, everyone needs a hero, but how bad? Can we risk one of these super assets becoming a super *** and hurting someone? All of this fell on my broad shoulders because I'm The Fabulous Fab, Psychiatrist to The Super Heroes. I know just how twisted these creatures are.
After studying my patients' charts all weekend, I decided it was finally time to implement my life's dream - Superhero Mental Hospital or simply SMH, not to be confused with shake my head, lol. Okay, okay! I'll be truthful. Not only do I feel like having these super idiots out of the way would benefit society but also there's good insurance money in the mental health field. The mental health industry has become a warehouse for mentally ill people. Since superheroes would call for high security in a lockdown facility, I could charge $5,000 a day to house and treat my patients and to keep them from harming the public.
Okay, okay; I see you looking at me funny so I'll be completely honest: with the super idiots out of the way there will be extra ways for a brilliant evil genius like me to make money and rule the world. HAHAHA!
All right, all right hate me if you want but this is my legacy, so if you want to hate me I will have my future biographer narrate the rest of the story.
I, The Fabulous Fab will soon be the most brilliant psychiatrist in all of the world or universe and perhaps The Future Supreme Ruler of Earth so if you would rather hear this story from someone who is not about to destroy your favorite hero - or just keep them locked up for a very, very long time I give you a new narrator. Here you go Griff, you can now tell the story as it unfolds of how The Fabulous Fab defeated a gang of bumbling superheroes without them even knowing they were in a fight.
Ummmm....okay...this is Griff, your new narrator, sorry for the disturbance now back to the story.
The Fabulous Fab, Psychiatrist to The Superheroes, had suggested to the neurotic speedster The Blaze that he needed some time off. Fab suggested to The Blaze that he should take a nice quiet vacation on a beach and relax.
The Blaze jumped at the idea and quickly sped away to an undisclosed beach for two weeks of sun and fun. Of course, he also had plenty of Thorazine as prescribed by The Fabulous Fab. Within a few days, The Blaze was doing the lethargic, foot dragging movement that the psychiatric world calls The Thorazine Shuffle, although in all fairness, he was doing The Throazine Shuffle faster than anyone had ever done The Thorazine Shuffle.
Picture a beautiful blue sky, a clear white ocean, and a superhero in a red The Blaze uniform doing the Thorazine Shuffle across a sandy beach. His feet kicking up sand as he quickly drug his feet across the beach while holding a crisp, cold Crocweiser Beer.
The Blaze wiped sweat from his cowl and feeling very exhausted said, "This hot sun is way hotter than I'm used to. Maybe I should have taken my outfit off. I'm very tired. Fab was right I really needed this vacation I was not aware of how tired I was getting."
The Blaze was kicking up sand as he was doing the shuffle and irritated three crabs who started chasing him with their crab claws snapping loudly. The Blaze turned and saw this so he decided to turn on the speed and kick it into high gear but there was no speed.
A confused Blaze screamed as a crab clamped onto him and he yelled, "I have totally overworked myself I have ground myself down to the point even crabs can outrun me. I must rest. I must find a shaded tree to rest and take more of the medicine Fab gave me. What little bit I am taking is not working. I must take twice as much so I can get better. Fab would want me to do that."
An exhausted Fab shuffled to an airplane four days later. For the first time in his life the former-speedster flew on a plane instead of a quick sprint from a foreign land. Shuffling down from the plane, a weak and feeble Blaze mumbled, "Boy, am I wore out. All those miles over the years, all of the stress I've gone through. Boy, am I lucky to have a doctor like Fab. He'll get me better. If anyone can, it's Fab"
The Blaze shuffled his way into Fab's office. He was now stooped over and looking very older and frustrated. Fab looked surprised as the shuffling superhero entered his office.
Fab boomed, "Blaze, I thought I told you too take it easy?"
Blaze responded, "I did, Fab. Well, I thought I did. I guess my body is more rundown than I thought. I took your medicine and it didn't help."
"Well, you could always change your name to The Shuffleler. I can google it to see if it's been taken."
"I'm not sure shuffling is a super hero skill."
"Probably not. Hmmmm. Lucky for you Blaze I just happened to open up The Superhero Mental Hospital or SMH."
Blaze shook his head. Fab asked, "Why did you shake your head?"
The struggling superhero answered, "You said SMH that's shakes my head."
"Hmmmm, I guess you are known more for your speed than brains and without that speed you aren't very super. Okay. Let's get you checked into SMH right away and we'll get you fixed up fast as possible.
Blaze shook his head again. Fab answered, "Are you shaking your head 'yes' or shaking your head because I said SMH?
Blaze shook his head again.
Fab had his first patient for Superhero Mental Hospital. The following week Awesome Dude tried to fly into SMH but bounced off of the window. He tried something rather unusual for him. he walked through the front door. Seeing Fab, he questioned, "What's up with the windows. I tried to fly in and I bounced back out."
Fab smiled, "This is a lockdown treatment facility. Sometimes patients are court ordered and may not want to stay. The force field windows changes their minds."
Awesome Dude frowned, "I see. I am here to see my friend The Blaze. I hear he is not feeling well. Is he locked in here?"
"Well, my friend, he is very ill and may be contagious so we have him locked in so he cannot get out and spread what he has."
"I see. Can I see him though?"
"Yes. I think your super immune system may protect you from the disease."
Fab led Awesome Dude to the room where his Fab said the Blaze was. There was a crumpled figure in a chair with a blanket over him. A box sat behind the chair. Awesome dude started sweating as he walked to his buddy. His legs got weaker with every step. Finally, he reached the chair where the figure sat slumped over and the big hero collapsed at the base of the chair.
"Oh no! I think he is contagious and I have it."
"Oh no", Fab mimicked. "Sadly, that means you have to stay so you won't spread the disease."
"But why do I have it and you don't?"
"It must be some sort of rare superhero virus that only attacks superheroes."
"Oh."
"Here, Awesome Dude, sign this release so I can get started curing you. We don't have much time."
Awesome Dude signed a form that gave Fab permission to get him in the hospital. Fab walked over to the box which was loaded with Ring Pops and snuck them out. He informed Awesome Dude that he would start giving him medicine to cure the virus. The medicine, though, was injections of ring Pops that were just enough to keep Awesome Dude from having the strength to leave. Ring Pops were the only thing that is known to destroy Awesome Dude.
With two of the four most respected superheroes in the galaxy lodged at SMH, Fab began to implement the second part of his master plan. He started hypnotizing his patients. They became mindless zombies and minions for The Fabulous Fab. Fab's Army of Zombies were breaking into jewelry stores and banks and causing general chaos. not only were they making money for their leader but they were keeping police and other superheroes busy.
Fabulous Fab still had his sights on two more heroes to up his profits for his mental health hospital. He decided to go after The tarantula next. Even though Tarantula was aging he was still a respected member of the superhero community plus he would make a fine status symbol in Fab's zoo of superheroes. The tarantula could still possible rise to the occasion if he could just rise off of his walker so it was necessary for Fab to make sure he was out of the way.
Fab banged on The Tarantula's door. The legendary do-gooder whipped out a shot of web at the door handle but missed. "Dang shakes!" The Tarantula yelled. "That used to be a chip shot." The second shot was a charm and he pulled the web back yanking the door open.
The Tarantula struggled to get out of his chair when he saw Fab. "Just stay seated, Tarantula. I'll come in," Fab said. "How's the hip?"
"Still not cooperating. It's good to see you Fab."
"I had to come to see you. We have to get you feeling better. The city needs you. Awesome dude and The Blaze have been kidnapped and the crime rate has exploded by 200% in the last month."
"I was wondering where my buddies were and why they hadn't been by to see me. They are in trouble, huh? Who's got 'em?"
"We are not sure. The city has gone wild. In their absence, the city is basically being looted by every felon under the sun."
"I've got to rescue my friends!" The Tarantula lifted himself onto the walker.
"Your hip is not ready. We need you too bad but we need you healthy. I want to put you into my new hospital so I can help rehabilitate your hip and get you into fighting shape. This may be the final battle between good and evil. the world needs you healthy, Tarantula."
"But you are a psychiatrist. How can you help my hip?"
"I have the best doctors at my hospital plus I need to get you mentally prepared for the battle. I need to clear the cobwebs out of your brain and get your spider senses tingling again."
"The Tarantula may be down but he has not spun his last web. We must save our friends and make our city safe again!"
"We will do this together. Just sign these insurance papers so we can get you admitted to SMH."
The Tarantula was not a patient and under the care of Dr. Fenton A. Bonecutter or in other words - a prisoner of The Fabulous Fab. The veteran crime fighter was now the charter member of The Superhero Mental hospital's geriatric floor. With three of the big four superheroes under his control, Fab now set his eyes on capturing The Watchgator.
It was around midnight when Fab called the Watchgator. The gator's mood due to his Bipolar had changed to angry. Fab could tell when he answered it that the Bipolar mean side was in control.
"Whaddyawant?" Thundered The watchgator. "I'm busy so ya better hurry!"
"Hey, sorry. It's just me Fab. You've missed your last couple of appointments and I was worried so I thought I'd check on you," Fab said sweetly.
"Oh, sorry, Fab. I'm just very busy. I haven't had a minute's rest. I don't know where that sissy boy Awesome Dude or The Blaze but it seems like I've been the only one out here working the last month. There's some type of alarm going off every fifteen minutes. Them pretty boys are slacking. I need to hire another sidekick."
Fab said sweetly again, "Yes, I told them guys isn't wasn't fair to go off on vacation and make you do all of the work."
"What? AwesomeDude gets everything. Why does he get a vacation. Awesome Guy, Awesome Guy, Awesome Guy....he gets everything!" The superhero protested.
"Yeah, I know. I told him to just take a couple of weeks but you know how stubborn he is. Awesome Dude and Blaze have been staying at my new spa. I tell you what: they are going back to work tomorrow so why don't you come for a while. It is exclusively for superheroes."
"Darn tooting, I want to come. Them boys been lying on their asses taking it easy while I've been out here busting my scaly ***! I'll be there. It's my turn to be pampered while they fight all of this crime! It's not all about Awesome Guy! It's Gator time! I deserve a vacation!"
Fab took The Watchgator to SMH which he had caped crusader believing it was a luxurious spa. The Watchgator was tricked into thinking that Awesome Dude and The Blaze had been living it up at the facility while he was fighting the crime wave. When they first arrived The Watchgator was disappointed.
The swampy superhero looked at SMH and then Fab and said ,"Fab, this looks more like an old mental hospital than a vacation spot. Are you sure this is where Awesome dude and the Blaze have been? Where's the golf course? Where's the pool?"
"You won't be disappointed once you see the inside. Do you really think your spoiled friends would stay here if it was a hospital?"
"Your probably right about that, Fab? That sissy Awesome Dude is sure spoiled. If he is here it must be very ritzy."
"It is, my friend, it is," assured Fab as they walked up the stairs leading to SMH. "It still looks kind of like a hospital Fab and I hate to say it but it smells like one too. I kind of expected more out of a luxurious spa. Where's the hot girls. If it is a luxurious spa there has to be hot girls...of course if Awesome Dude is here there must be hot guys here."
The pair walked down a long hallway until Fab pointed to an open door. "There is your room," The Fabulous Fab said with his arm extended.
"You've got to be kidding me", The Watchgator said in disbelief. "I bet you Awesome Dude has a much bigger and better room. It's always Awesome Dude, Awesome Dude, Awesome Dude. He's gets everything. What is so special about Awesome Dude?"
"There's a great view in there."
"I'm not going into that room."
"You can see Awesome dude laying by the pool in the window back there."
The Watchgator went storming into the room running toward the window expecting to see Awesome Dude lounging by the pool having a good time when he heard the door slam shut.
"What in the blazes are you doing, Fab?" The bewildered superhero turned and looked at Fab with a smile on his face.
"The Watchgator, you have been committed to Superhero Mental Hospital. you are a very sick man. Don't worry, I will treat you until you are well. Until then, enjoy your stay."
"Surely you do not think you can hold me in this cell do you?"
"You signed the papers saying you agreed to seek help so it is all legal," Fab said sternly holding up the papers the hero signed unwittingly earlier.
"Legal, smegal. That really does not matter. Did it slip your little mind that I am a superhero and I'll just breakout."
Fab laughed, "There's one thing I've been meaning to ask you all these years. Just what makes you a superhero? Are you super strong like Awesome Dude? No. Can you fly like Awesome Dude? No. Are you super fast like the Blaze? No. Can you climb buildings and shoot webs like The Tarantula could do when he was younger? No! So I ask you again: what superhuman powers do you have?"
The Watchgator stood in stunned silence and just stared at The Fabulous Fab. After a few awkward moments of silence, Fab began laughing hysterically.
"That is just what I thought, you costumed clown. You are just a spoiled little rich kid with fancy toys like a Gator Mobile, a Gator Copter, and a Gator Cave. I hate to break it to you but gators don't even live in caves! You can't get out of here because you are not Awesome dude and you can't knock this door down or your use your super vision to burn the bars away."
The Watchgator just stood there silently watching Fab who was clearly enjoying himself.
The Fabulous Fab continued ,"If you have any sense at all, you would start praying for awesome Dude to save you. He's your only hope. He is a real superdude. You know why he is a real superdude?"
The Watchgator shook his head no.
Fab continued in a manic manner, "Because he has superpowers. He can fly. He can leap tall buildings in a single bound. He is strong and he has x-ray vision. But he is just as crazy as you are. All of you heroes are nuts! That is why I must lock you up so that all of the normal people will be safe! But, if you must be happy, Awesome Dude is just as helpless as you right now."
"You have Awesome Dude?"
"Yes, I have the four most highly heralded superheroes there are. I have you all locked up because you all have split personalities, most of you are Bipolar. You are all mentally ill. I will soon round up the more insignificant heroes because they are crazy too. I will keep you all until you are all mentally competent, which will probably be forever!"
"Is awesome dude's room nicer than mine?"
"See what I mean? You are absolutely looney. I am truly doing the world a favor!"
CHAPTER 1
My watch displayed 12:58 PM as I propped open my door and stood in front of my office but just off to the left as not to block the entrance. In two minutes, the world-famous Blaze would come racing past me into my office. The super-hero types were all the same in the regard that they never showed up late or early: they always arrived right in the nick of time.
Allow me to introduce myself: I am Dr. Fenton A. Bonecutter. I am known as The Psychiatrist to the super heroes. Years ago, I spotted a very depressed Chicken Man walking back and forth a crowded bridge in Florida. As I drove up to him, I was not sure why he kept crossing the road, but being a professional, I could tell he was distressed. As I stopped and talked with him, he disclosed to me that he planned to wring his own neck and fall 1000 feet to his death.
Apparently, he had gotten drunk and in a moment of defiance, ate at a KFC. When he sobered up, he hate himself for committing what he called "an act of cannibalism. We crossed the road together for hours and he told me his life story. You see, superheroes are quite complicated. Many suffer from mood disorders and many also wrestle with obvious split personalities. Although they may have superhuman powers, they are all human in the regards that they put their pants on one leg at a time, breathe oxygen, and have real human emotions like you and I have. Most stress out over electric bills just like we do and many stress themselves out over that particular blond or redhead, just like you and I. Love (and lust) makes the world go around and it also buys doctors like me houses and nice cars. Super heroes may work alone most of the time but that does not mean there is not a nice brunette on his mind the whole time.
Part of Chicken Man's problems stemmed from ADHD. The affliction caused Chicken Man to be constantly confused. He said he was always "running around like a chicken with his head cut off." Once, I got him on the right medications I was able to be therapeutic and help him take a slow, rational look at his life. Over a period of a few years, Chicken Man started realizing he did not have to get fried all of the time and that he could be in control of his life. His depression gradually went away. Once Chicken Man began chirping about how I helped him turn his life around, I began being contacted my those within the super hero community. As I helped each hero, another hero stepped forward for help. Soon I was a super hero myself - Fabulous Fab. Of course, FAB was my initials Fenton A. Bonecutter.
As the digits on my watch turned to 1:00, a marvelous red and yellow flash streaked right in front of me and into my office.
"Good afternoon, Blaze," I smiled as I shut the door to my office.
"Hello, Fab," The blur stopped and suddenly there was a man in an red and yellow suit where a blur of light had just ended. He stopped and stood still for a few seconds and then suddenly blurted around the room in a few flashes.
I could that there was something that was bothering my neurotic patient The Blaze. "Blaze, how are you doing? Something seems to be a little off with you today?"
"Well, Fab, I'm fine, actually. Well, not really...well, I guess I really don't know.
Fab, why did you close that door?" Blaze's voice started to raise, I blinked and suddenly he was in my face, yelling at me. "You know me better than anyone, Fab. You know a closed door makes me feel trapped. I don't like closed in places, Fab. You know that better than anyone. Why did you do it? Do you want some of me. Do you want to go, Buddy?"
"Blaze, calm down...please. I'm sorry. I forgot."
"How can you forget? You are the doctor. If I can't trust you to remember how I am, what good are you to me? Wait, I'm sorry, Fab. I didn't mean to lose my temper. I'm just upset. I don't know, man, I just don't know but I'm really sorry, Dude."
"That's all right, Blaze. Let me give you something to help calm you down. Just a little shot so we can talk a little."
"Sure, Fab. I'm really sorry. I've just been confused lately. The whole Blaze thing is bothering me again. I guess I obsess too much about my name. But...I mean... owww, that stung a little, Fab."
"That's all right, it will feel better soon, you are stressing yourself out, remember the high blood pressure."
Well, anyway, yeah... it's the name thing again. In the beginning Blaze made sense because I was faster than Blazes. My speed was just blazing fast. But, now it just doesn't fit, you know what I mean? I'm mean the human torch should be called blaze because when he turns to fire he is blazing...literally. Me, I'm fast, I should be Speedy or Quickie....No, not Quickie, that sounds kind of sexual, know what I mean?"
"Well, Blaze, a name may be part of who you are but it is only a name or a label. You can not let a label define who you are. you are more than just speed. In fact, you are wearing your body out with all of this speed as we have discussed before. I think you need to slow things down a bit and give your mind a chance to catch up with your body."
"But, Fab. Speed is who I am."
"No, Blaze. You are fast but that's not who you are. You have brains and a great sense of humor. You can't let your skill define you."
"Wow! I really feel that shot already. What was it?"
"Just something to help you chill a little. Nothing too strong, just a touch of Thorazine."
"Just a little, huh? I'd hate to take a lot. Whew! It's got a kick!"
"You need to quit obsessing so much and learn to enjoy life. I'm going to up your dose some because what I prescribed does not seem to be helping much. Are you taking what I prescribed."
"Yes, but it makes me feel funny. I feel different. I've noticed my walking is off, I seem to shuffle more. I can't let it effect my speed. My speed saves lives. My job depends on my speed."
"Listen to me, Blaze. You are killing yourself. It is imperative that you take a vacation. Let the world save it self for a while. Let Awesome Dude carry you for a while, while you get some rest. Take a nice vacation."
"Yeah, that Awesome Dude has been lazy lately. A vacation? Hmmm sounds kind of nice. You know, I have been working awful hard lately."
"Yes, too hard. And you are so fast, you don't even have to take a plane, you can run to France or Italy in no time, so it won't cost you much money. Just relax...and take your medicine."
"A beach? A beach seems kind of nice. I DO need some 'me' time."
"Yes, you do Blaze. Yes you do."
CHAPTER 2
The amazing thing about superheroes in general is that despite the fact that they put their lives at risk everyday, they seem remarkably self-centered. If you enter into a conversation with a super hero you will find that he talks about himself or his impact most of the time. Probably the most boorish example of this is Awesome Dude.
In all fairness, Awesome Dude can do it all. He can fly, he is the strongest of all heroes and he has male model looks. Lately, the hero has been in denial about his sexuality. It is beginning to look like Awesome Dude is hiding in a super big closet. When he talks, he always avoids talking about his sexual preference. He just looks amazingly neat for someone who is flying in the sky looking for trouble. He uses so much hairspray he could fly through a tornado and not of strand of hair is out of place.
His outfit is also a little too feminine for his own good. The smiley face in the middle of his blue tights is a give-away if the blue tights themselves isn't a give-way of his sexual preference. Of course, you can not forget the red cape. It is 2014, who really wears a cape? But then again, if Awesome was really gay would he not have better fashion sense?
Awesome only wants to talk about his powers and his feats. No matter how much I prompt him to talk about his feelings and the environment around him, he always brings the conversation back to his muscles and his accomplishments.
On this day, he entered my office like he always does and that is through my office window. He came in and immediately starting spilling the same poo about his superhuman strength and how great it is to fly. Today, I lost my patience with the lack of progress.
I exploded, "Awesome Dude everyone obviously knows how awesome you are or they wouldn't call you Awesome Dude. How are we ever going to make a breakthrough if you won't talk about your feelings?"
Awesome Dude looked dumbfounded, he mumbled, "Breakthrough? What do you mean breakthrough?"
"How are you going to get better if you won't talk about your problems?"
"What problems? I'm perfect that's why I'm Awesome Dude."
"Then, if you are so perfect why are you here? If you don't want to improve than why do you come see me every week. You do realize I'm a psychiatrist, don't you?"
"Uhhh well, I guess so. I thought you just liked to hang out with me."
"You pay me all of that money because I like to hang out with you?"
"Well, now that you put it like that, I guess it does sound a little strange."
"Listen to me Awesome Dude, you are messed up just like all of your super powered buddies. You are all here because you are smart enough to realize that despite all of the superhuman abilities you guys have that you aren't happy. Something is missing from you guy's lives and you know that, but you are in denial?"
"Really? Do you really think that about Awesome Dude? I mean, I can fly. Do you think that I think that I'm missing something in my life?"
"Awesome Dude, you brag all of the time about being the most handsome guy on Earth. You brag about bench-pressing over 250,000 pounds. If you are so amazing, then why do you not ever have a date. Even if you don't like women, you don't even date men. Maybe if you quit talking about how you can bench over a quarter of a ton and learn to communicate maybe you can have a real relationship with someone and you won't be so dang unhappy!"
"Well, I kind of see your point."
"What the heck, Awesome Dude? You have x-ray vision and you can only kind of see my point? Dude, start talking about others. Just don't talk about your strengths. Try to be normal. Talk about yourself and don't just brag, try to really dig deep down and make a connection with someone. To do that, you can't always be so dang strong or you'll intimidate everyone and they will never get close to you. If you people to be able to relate to you, don't be afraid to show your weaknesses sometimes."
Weaknesses? I never really thought about weaknesses."
"People like to see vulnerability in their friends and lovers. They like to think that the people in their lives need them. It's not fun to always being saved, people like to be heros too sometimes. It's make them feel good and brings couples closer together."
"Hmmmm...really? Like for example...Bob down at the deli. If I act like I can't make up my mind of which kind of cheese I want on my sub, do you think he'd like me better?"
"That's a start, Awesome Dude. Let him be the hero sometimes and he will get to feel good about himself and feel better about you. Like me, I've been talking with you for over a year and you have not changed. I do not feel like I've helped you at all."
"Well, honestly Fab, I don't see where you have helped me."
"It's killing me, Dude. I need to know just one of your weaknesses so I don't feel like I'm wasting my time. Just one!"
"All right, Fab. I'll try this. I only have one weakness. I'm telling you something that no one else knows so please don't laugh. The only thing that can stop Awesome Dude is....ring pops."
I looked up stunned, "Ring Pops? You mean like the candy? The only thing that stops Awesome Man is a piece of candy?"
"I've never been able to figure it out but I almost died as a little kid when a girl gave me a ring pop at school. I guess that's why I've always been afraid of women, now that I think about it. It must be made with an ingredient from my home planet because suckers like Charms or Tootsie Pops don't work. Even Dum-Dums have no affect on me."
"Hmmmm....very interesting. The strongest dude on the planet is humbled by a sucker...and not even a good one?"
"Yeah, kind of funny if you think about it, huh?'
"Well, we all have things that take our breath away. Dang, look how fast the time flew today. Looks like we are out of time, Awesome Dude. I'll catch you same time next week, just stay out of candy stores."
"Thanks, Fab and one thing you never will see is Awesome dude in a candy store! Oh, yeah, don't forget that doctor patient confidentiality thingy thing."
CHAPTER 3
Awesome Dude went on his merry way and I chuckled too myself how someone so strong could be brought to their knees by a child's candy like Ring Pops. Of course, I'm a professional so I do not judge. Next up was my appointment with The Watchgator. The Watchgator is a regular mortal without any superpowers. But he developed himself through karate and is so stunningly intelligent that he is more capable than most humans. He had made a huge name for himself by bringing villains like The Jester and The Walrus to justice. Even though he was rich, handsome, well-educated, and dangerous with his hands, he still had self-esteem issues because he could not fly like Awesome Dude or he did not have super speed like The Blaze.
In fact, The Watchgator was quite normal. He used the name Watchgator because he looked out for citizens and he always liked alligators. He did not have any gator qualities like sharp teeth or anything like that and that was a disappointment to him. He felt that heroes like Awesome Dude did not give him the proper respect because of it. He was quite right. Awesome Dude referred to him as Generic Guy.
The Watchgator was Bipolar. He was very cheerful in the daytime but his darkness is what made him The Watchgator. He was a night person but he was very depressed at nights and very unfriendly. He stayed awake at nights and guarded the city with a vigilance. His alter ego was Kirk Curtis. Curtis was a rich and successful businessman. His Bipolar Disorder drove him to be the superhero The Watchgator as he roamed the city stalking bad guys to take his anger out on. He often left the bad guys bruised and bloodied.
Sessions with The Watchgator were always quite interesting. we would meet at 7PM so his Bipolar was right in the middle. He was cheerful Kirk Curtis but as the sessions got later you could see his mood change to The Watchgator. We once had a midnight session so I could meet the dark side and it was quite eventful. He was far more aggressive and angry as The Watchgator.
On this evening he came in through the window like Awesome Dude. He winked at me through his cowl and snarled, "See I may not be able to fly like certain pretty boys in tights, but I get the job done."
"Well, it is always a pleasure to see you Gator," I smiled.
"Well, I was feeling pretty good a little earlier but for some reason I just keep getting more pissed as the day goes by and I just had a bad experience on the way here and I'm more upset than usual."
I looked surprised and asked, "Oh no, what happened another encounter with The Jester?"
"No nothing like that. Just a bunch of punks. I was parking the Gatormobile and a bunch of punks rode by and yelled: 'Hey Superloser, why don't you get a real superpower like that gay dude."
"Hmmmm, how does that make you feel?" I asked, already knowing the answer.
"How should I feel? "The costumed crusader cackled. "I've literally filled prisons with crime fighting abilities but no one ever remembers me as the silent and dark hero who fills jails with evil masterminds. No, they know me as the hero that can't leap tall buildings with a single bound. It's never - 'thanks, Gator' for putting bad guys away' or 'thanks, Gator, for getting my purse back. It's always Awesome Dude, Awesome Dude, Awesome Dude! I get tired of hearing about that guy."
"Well, just remember the coping techniques I've taught you and try not to let it make you physically ill like it does. Remember your blood pressure."
"Well, he does it to taunt me. He's laughing at me. He is always doing things to aggravate me. Just like when he stole my sidekick Froggy. He just wanted to jump Froggy because he knew Froggy was my loyal swamp sidekick. he didn't want a relationship with Froggy but he used him just to taunt me. Now, I don't have a sidekick."
"You cannot let Awesome guy make you so angry and change who you are. You have useful skills too. You have a car that goes pretty fast. It might not be as fast as Blaze but..."
"That's another pretty boy I cannot stand. It's always 'Blaze, Blaze, Blaze.' What kind of superhero wears red? You can't scare anyone wearing red. Real superheroes wear dark colors like me."
"Well, that's kind of a good point I guess, Gator, but maybe when you have super powers you don't have to intimidate people." I realized what I said and put my hand over my mouth but it was too late.
The Watchgator was horrified, "See what I mean. No one takes me seriously. I am a real hero. I am. I am!"
The Watchgator was shrieking like a school girl. In a stunned moment, I witnessed something I never had seen before. I watched something I did not think was possible. I stood there stunned. I was gawking, it was like a train wreck, I just could not turned away. For I just watched a superhero cry.
Suddenly, The Watchgator sat down and began crying real tears. They streamed down his cowl. Then, without warning he jumped up and and threw a roundhouse punch that sit me flying across the room. My head hit the wall and I slowly slid down the wall. My eyes closed for a few brief but painful moments but when I woke up the towering hero dressed in black was gone.
The Watchgator rocked my jaw pretty hard. Being a professional I should have known better than to make him so angry. He really gets angry as he changes from Kirk to Watchgator and as the evening gets later his temper and disposition gets worse. I put ice on my jaw and tried to eat dinner but it was hard to chew. I had one last meeting.
My last client for the day was The Tarantula. The Tarantula was bitten by an experimental lab spider and had gain super hero powers because of the bite.
He leap amazing heights and propel himself around the city with his spider web. he trapped many bad guys with his web. Many, many, many, many bad guys. Yes, his problem was that he had trapped too many. Now, The tarantula was getting old.
He would never tell me how old he was but even his black and red costume was starting to fade. His web would not always shoot when he wanted it to.
Recently, The Tarantula was chasing a robbery suspect across the city. The robber was in a Camaro speeding through town and The tarantula, like he had done literally thousands of times, used his web to attach himself to buildings and propel quickly through downtown. This time, though, the extra twenty pounds the Tarantula had put on lately, caused his web to snap and fell twenty feet down onto a top of a parked car and broke his hip.
The Tarantula slowly plodded into my office leaning on a walker with two wheels. He perked up when he caught a glimpse of me walking toward him.
"Fab!" He yelled and then grabbed his hip in pain. "On my, it's great to see you Fab. you look Fabulous."
I was kind of taken back because this was the first time I had seen him since he broke his hip. I had been seeing him for over three years and he had really aged during this time. He looked like a broken spider. I shook his hand and said, "I heard about your accident. I'm very sorry, Tarantula."
"I've been waiting to see you, Fab. It's tough adjusting to this. It's rough getting old but this broken hip isn't helping matters much."
"Like we talked about before, getting older is a natural process."
"It's hard getting used to. I guess I was in denial. The signs were there but I was ignoring them?"
I looked closely at him and asked, "Really? What were some of the signs?"
"Well, I knew I had gained weight, the outfit was getting tight but I had recently changed detergents and thought maybe the uniform shrank. The neighborhood kids called me Crackman and Super Plummer because they could see my butt crack when I bent over."
"Really? Why didn't you just get a bigger suit?"
"Pride mostly. Silly superhuman pride. It was easier to just act like I wasn't changing. I did start taking vitamins though. I started taking naps in between looking for crime to fight."
"Well, we have been talking about this for a while. You were in denial. Remember when I tried to get you to wear glasses?"
"But, Fab, people would laugh at a superhero with glasses. What kin of superhero can do super things but can't see?"
"Tarantula, everyone's eye sight gets worse as they age. You might have super powers and can move fast but you can't out run Father Time."
"I'm coming back from this hip injury Fab. I'm not going to let it keep me down. the Tarantula will be up and about soon."
"You are going to have to face your mortality Tarantula, or you will continue to hurt yourself. You are going to have to change your lifestyle and accept that you are getting older. We all get older."
"I'm not gett-....Uh-oh!"
"Tarantula, what's wrong?" I looked at him and if a red mask could get any redder, his would have. Suddenly his hands covered his crotch area and his suit turned darker. After a moment of awkward silence I asked, "Tarantula, did you just pee yourself?"
CHAPTER 4
I spent the next few days hashing over my super patients treatment plans and trying to decide what was the best way to treat them. I had some serious concerns. What happens if one of these super nuts goes off the hook and hurts an innocent person. Sure, everyone needs a hero, but how bad? Can we risk one of these super assets becoming a super *** and hurting someone? All of this fell on my broad shoulders because I'm The Fabulous Fab, Psychiatrist to The Super Heroes. I know just how twisted these creatures are.
After studying my patients' charts all weekend, I decided it was finally time to implement my life's dream - Superhero Mental Hospital or simply SMH, not to be confused with shake my head, lol. Okay, okay! I'll be truthful. Not only do I feel like having these super idiots out of the way would benefit society but also there's good insurance money in the mental health field. The mental health industry has become a warehouse for mentally ill people. Since superheroes would call for high security in a lockdown facility, I could charge $5,000 a day to house and treat my patients and to keep them from harming the public.
Okay, okay; I see you looking at me funny so I'll be completely honest: with the super idiots out of the way there will be extra ways for a brilliant evil genius like me to make money and rule the world. HAHAHA!
All right, all right hate me if you want but this is my legacy, so if you want to hate me I will have my future biographer narrate the rest of the story.
I, The Fabulous Fab will soon be the most brilliant psychiatrist in all of the world or universe and perhaps The Future Supreme Ruler of Earth so if you would rather hear this story from someone who is not about to destroy your favorite hero - or just keep them locked up for a very, very long time I give you a new narrator. Here you go Griff, you can now tell the story as it unfolds of how The Fabulous Fab defeated a gang of bumbling superheroes without them even knowing they were in a fight.
Ummmm....okay...this is Griff, your new narrator, sorry for the disturbance now back to the story.
The Fabulous Fab, Psychiatrist to The Superheroes, had suggested to the neurotic speedster The Blaze that he needed some time off. Fab suggested to The Blaze that he should take a nice quiet vacation on a beach and relax.
The Blaze jumped at the idea and quickly sped away to an undisclosed beach for two weeks of sun and fun. Of course, he also had plenty of Thorazine as prescribed by The Fabulous Fab. Within a few days, The Blaze was doing the lethargic, foot dragging movement that the psychiatric world calls The Thorazine Shuffle, although in all fairness, he was doing The Throazine Shuffle faster than anyone had ever done The Thorazine Shuffle.
Picture a beautiful blue sky, a clear white ocean, and a superhero in a red The Blaze uniform doing the Thorazine Shuffle across a sandy beach. His feet kicking up sand as he quickly drug his feet across the beach while holding a crisp, cold Crocweiser Beer.
The Blaze wiped sweat from his cowl and feeling very exhausted said, "This hot sun is way hotter than I'm used to. Maybe I should have taken my outfit off. I'm very tired. Fab was right I really needed this vacation I was not aware of how tired I was getting."
The Blaze was kicking up sand as he was doing the shuffle and irritated three crabs who started chasing him with their crab claws snapping loudly. The Blaze turned and saw this so he decided to turn on the speed and kick it into high gear but there was no speed.
A confused Blaze screamed as a crab clamped onto him and he yelled, "I have totally overworked myself I have ground myself down to the point even crabs can outrun me. I must rest. I must find a shaded tree to rest and take more of the medicine Fab gave me. What little bit I am taking is not working. I must take twice as much so I can get better. Fab would want me to do that."
An exhausted Fab shuffled to an airplane four days later. For the first time in his life the former-speedster flew on a plane instead of a quick sprint from a foreign land. Shuffling down from the plane, a weak and feeble Blaze mumbled, "Boy, am I wore out. All those miles over the years, all of the stress I've gone through. Boy, am I lucky to have a doctor like Fab. He'll get me better. If anyone can, it's Fab"
The Blaze shuffled his way into Fab's office. He was now stooped over and looking very older and frustrated. Fab looked surprised as the shuffling superhero entered his office.
Fab boomed, "Blaze, I thought I told you too take it easy?"
Blaze responded, "I did, Fab. Well, I thought I did. I guess my body is more rundown than I thought. I took your medicine and it didn't help."
"Well, you could always change your name to The Shuffleler. I can google it to see if it's been taken."
"I'm not sure shuffling is a super hero skill."
"Probably not. Hmmmm. Lucky for you Blaze I just happened to open up The Superhero Mental Hospital or SMH."
Blaze shook his head. Fab asked, "Why did you shake your head?"
The struggling superhero answered, "You said SMH that's shakes my head."
"Hmmmm, I guess you are known more for your speed than brains and without that speed you aren't very super. Okay. Let's get you checked into SMH right away and we'll get you fixed up fast as possible.
Blaze shook his head again. Fab answered, "Are you shaking your head 'yes' or shaking your head because I said SMH?
Blaze shook his head again.
Fab had his first patient for Superhero Mental Hospital. The following week Awesome Dude tried to fly into SMH but bounced off of the window. He tried something rather unusual for him. he walked through the front door. Seeing Fab, he questioned, "What's up with the windows. I tried to fly in and I bounced back out."
Fab smiled, "This is a lockdown treatment facility. Sometimes patients are court ordered and may not want to stay. The force field windows changes their minds."
Awesome Dude frowned, "I see. I am here to see my friend The Blaze. I hear he is not feeling well. Is he locked in here?"
"Well, my friend, he is very ill and may be contagious so we have him locked in so he cannot get out and spread what he has."
"I see. Can I see him though?"
"Yes. I think your super immune system may protect you from the disease."
Fab led Awesome Dude to the room where his Fab said the Blaze was. There was a crumpled figure in a chair with a blanket over him. A box sat behind the chair. Awesome dude started sweating as he walked to his buddy. His legs got weaker with every step. Finally, he reached the chair where the figure sat slumped over and the big hero collapsed at the base of the chair.
"Oh no! I think he is contagious and I have it."
"Oh no", Fab mimicked. "Sadly, that means you have to stay so you won't spread the disease."
"But why do I have it and you don't?"
"It must be some sort of rare superhero virus that only attacks superheroes."
"Oh."
"Here, Awesome Dude, sign this release so I can get started curing you. We don't have much time."
Awesome Dude signed a form that gave Fab permission to get him in the hospital. Fab walked over to the box which was loaded with Ring Pops and snuck them out. He informed Awesome Dude that he would start giving him medicine to cure the virus. The medicine, though, was injections of ring Pops that were just enough to keep Awesome Dude from having the strength to leave. Ring Pops were the only thing that is known to destroy Awesome Dude.
With two of the four most respected superheroes in the galaxy lodged at SMH, Fab began to implement the second part of his master plan. He started hypnotizing his patients. They became mindless zombies and minions for The Fabulous Fab. Fab's Army of Zombies were breaking into jewelry stores and banks and causing general chaos. not only were they making money for their leader but they were keeping police and other superheroes busy.
Fabulous Fab still had his sights on two more heroes to up his profits for his mental health hospital. He decided to go after The tarantula next. Even though Tarantula was aging he was still a respected member of the superhero community plus he would make a fine status symbol in Fab's zoo of superheroes. The tarantula could still possible rise to the occasion if he could just rise off of his walker so it was necessary for Fab to make sure he was out of the way.
Fab banged on The Tarantula's door. The legendary do-gooder whipped out a shot of web at the door handle but missed. "Dang shakes!" The Tarantula yelled. "That used to be a chip shot." The second shot was a charm and he pulled the web back yanking the door open.
The Tarantula struggled to get out of his chair when he saw Fab. "Just stay seated, Tarantula. I'll come in," Fab said. "How's the hip?"
"Still not cooperating. It's good to see you Fab."
"I had to come to see you. We have to get you feeling better. The city needs you. Awesome dude and The Blaze have been kidnapped and the crime rate has exploded by 200% in the last month."
"I was wondering where my buddies were and why they hadn't been by to see me. They are in trouble, huh? Who's got 'em?"
"We are not sure. The city has gone wild. In their absence, the city is basically being looted by every felon under the sun."
"I've got to rescue my friends!" The Tarantula lifted himself onto the walker.
"Your hip is not ready. We need you too bad but we need you healthy. I want to put you into my new hospital so I can help rehabilitate your hip and get you into fighting shape. This may be the final battle between good and evil. the world needs you healthy, Tarantula."
"But you are a psychiatrist. How can you help my hip?"
"I have the best doctors at my hospital plus I need to get you mentally prepared for the battle. I need to clear the cobwebs out of your brain and get your spider senses tingling again."
"The Tarantula may be down but he has not spun his last web. We must save our friends and make our city safe again!"
"We will do this together. Just sign these insurance papers so we can get you admitted to SMH."
The Tarantula was not a patient and under the care of Dr. Fenton A. Bonecutter or in other words - a prisoner of The Fabulous Fab. The veteran crime fighter was now the charter member of The Superhero Mental hospital's geriatric floor. With three of the big four superheroes under his control, Fab now set his eyes on capturing The Watchgator.
It was around midnight when Fab called the Watchgator. The gator's mood due to his Bipolar had changed to angry. Fab could tell when he answered it that the Bipolar mean side was in control.
"Whaddyawant?" Thundered The watchgator. "I'm busy so ya better hurry!"
"Hey, sorry. It's just me Fab. You've missed your last couple of appointments and I was worried so I thought I'd check on you," Fab said sweetly.
"Oh, sorry, Fab. I'm just very busy. I haven't had a minute's rest. I don't know where that sissy boy Awesome Dude or The Blaze but it seems like I've been the only one out here working the last month. There's some type of alarm going off every fifteen minutes. Them pretty boys are slacking. I need to hire another sidekick."
Fab said sweetly again, "Yes, I told them guys isn't wasn't fair to go off on vacation and make you do all of the work."
"What? AwesomeDude gets everything. Why does he get a vacation. Awesome Guy, Awesome Guy, Awesome Guy....he gets everything!" The superhero protested.
"Yeah, I know. I told him to just take a couple of weeks but you know how stubborn he is. Awesome Dude and Blaze have been staying at my new spa. I tell you what: they are going back to work tomorrow so why don't you come for a while. It is exclusively for superheroes."
"Darn tooting, I want to come. Them boys been lying on their asses taking it easy while I've been out here busting my scaly ***! I'll be there. It's my turn to be pampered while they fight all of this crime! It's not all about Awesome Guy! It's Gator time! I deserve a vacation!"
Fab took The Watchgator to SMH which he had caped crusader believing it was a luxurious spa. The Watchgator was tricked into thinking that Awesome Dude and The Blaze had been living it up at the facility while he was fighting the crime wave. When they first arrived The Watchgator was disappointed.
The swampy superhero looked at SMH and then Fab and said ,"Fab, this looks more like an old mental hospital than a vacation spot. Are you sure this is where Awesome dude and the Blaze have been? Where's the golf course? Where's the pool?"
"You won't be disappointed once you see the inside. Do you really think your spoiled friends would stay here if it was a hospital?"
"Your probably right about that, Fab? That sissy Awesome Dude is sure spoiled. If he is here it must be very ritzy."
"It is, my friend, it is," assured Fab as they walked up the stairs leading to SMH. "It still looks kind of like a hospital Fab and I hate to say it but it smells like one too. I kind of expected more out of a luxurious spa. Where's the hot girls. If it is a luxurious spa there has to be hot girls...of course if Awesome Dude is here there must be hot guys here."
The pair walked down a long hallway until Fab pointed to an open door. "There is your room," The Fabulous Fab said with his arm extended.
"You've got to be kidding me", The Watchgator said in disbelief. "I bet you Awesome Dude has a much bigger and better room. It's always Awesome Dude, Awesome Dude, Awesome Dude. He's gets everything. What is so special about Awesome Dude?"
"There's a great view in there."
"I'm not going into that room."
"You can see Awesome dude laying by the pool in the window back there."
The Watchgator went storming into the room running toward the window expecting to see Awesome Dude lounging by the pool having a good time when he heard the door slam shut.
"What in the blazes are you doing, Fab?" The bewildered superhero turned and looked at Fab with a smile on his face.
"The Watchgator, you have been committed to Superhero Mental Hospital. you are a very sick man. Don't worry, I will treat you until you are well. Until then, enjoy your stay."
"Surely you do not think you can hold me in this cell do you?"
"You signed the papers saying you agreed to seek help so it is all legal," Fab said sternly holding up the papers the hero signed unwittingly earlier.
"Legal, smegal. That really does not matter. Did it slip your little mind that I am a superhero and I'll just breakout."
Fab laughed, "There's one thing I've been meaning to ask you all these years. Just what makes you a superhero? Are you super strong like Awesome Dude? No. Can you fly like Awesome Dude? No. Are you super fast like the Blaze? No. Can you climb buildings and shoot webs like The Tarantula could do when he was younger? No! So I ask you again: what superhuman powers do you have?"
The Watchgator stood in stunned silence and just stared at The Fabulous Fab. After a few awkward moments of silence, Fab began laughing hysterically.
"That is just what I thought, you costumed clown. You are just a spoiled little rich kid with fancy toys like a Gator Mobile, a Gator Copter, and a Gator Cave. I hate to break it to you but gators don't even live in caves! You can't get out of here because you are not Awesome dude and you can't knock this door down or your use your super vision to burn the bars away."
The Watchgator just stood there silently watching Fab who was clearly enjoying himself.
The Fabulous Fab continued ,"If you have any sense at all, you would start praying for awesome Dude to save you. He's your only hope. He is a real superdude. You know why he is a real superdude?"
The Watchgator shook his head no.
Fab continued in a manic manner, "Because he has superpowers. He can fly. He can leap tall buildings in a single bound. He is strong and he has x-ray vision. But he is just as crazy as you are. All of you heroes are nuts! That is why I must lock you up so that all of the normal people will be safe! But, if you must be happy, Awesome Dude is just as helpless as you right now."
"You have Awesome Dude?"
"Yes, I have the four most highly heralded superheroes there are. I have you all locked up because you all have split personalities, most of you are Bipolar. You are all mentally ill. I will soon round up the more insignificant heroes because they are crazy too. I will keep you all until you are all mentally competent, which will probably be forever!"
"Is awesome dude's room nicer than mine?"
"See what I mean? You are absolutely looney. I am truly doing the world a favor!"