Some more of my poetry!

[american_bad_angel1407]

This one is one that I wrote my 7th grade year. I wrote it after I realized what a jerk the people were that I was runnin with, which meant that I was being one too. I started to imagine what it was like, or you can say that I "put myself in someone else's place."

IT WAS ME

I sigh as I look at that girl
With brown hair & hazel eyes
I start to torment her
Like the rest
Because she is different
In the way she is dressed
Just look at the awful way she styles her hair!
Let's drag her down
Make ourself look better than her
Let's cause her great despair!
My gang and I slither our way
Across the party
To mock this outkast
Give her an earful
Cause pain and strife
when suddenly we find
we're starring into our own eyes!
Maybe we shouldn't be so mean anymore
Cause not everyone's the same
now i'm facing the reality
that everyone was just lying to me
i have no friends
Im the one to blame
So next time i vex my peers
with rude comments
to hide my own fears
i'll remember how it felt
to make fun of the one in the mirror

*KOA*
I hope that you live up to your word, I hope that you take the time to read my post and constructively critize my work! Good Day!

[Koa]

ehy, why me? ;) (damn i really should have chosen a better nickname)
anyway...i find this one better than the other one...less pop-style ;)...from the stilistic point of view it seems more mature, and i also like the theme cos it's something i've felt a lot (i've always been the one who was 'different', especially as a kid i didnt care about looking 'cool').

I find it's maybe a bit 'long', but i've said already that it's so hard to get rid of lines...like you were cutting a piece of your creature lol ;)
Some other lines are actually more powerful, and metaphoric (the mirror thing...), they have the right length and rhythm...


My gang and I slither our way
Across the party
To mock this outkast
Give her an earful
Cause pain and strife
when suddenly we find
we're starring into our own eyes!
I like this bit...it's probably the best part of this poem.

So if i can say...i think you should go more in this direction than follow the style of the previous poem you posted...
:)

[firestarter]

i have to say, i do like this a lot more than your last one, (not saying that the other one was bad) but this one seems more deep and honest. its something that everyone can relate to, but wont admit it to themselves. its like when we put other people down the exact same way we put ourselves down
firestarter

[b]

It appears to me that the idea - that you had when you started writing this poem - was a result of your personal experiences, in contradiction to what I thought about your first poem. This poem is written in honesty, which improves the power of your artistic expression.

Stylistically seen, this poem is also better than the last one. I don't taste the cliché-pop motives anymore, but a more personal, authentical style and use of word. If you really wrote this in the seventh grade, you did a good job!

But again, I think that - for a mature reader - the main theme of this poem is already well-known. I remember being a child with feelings simlilar to those you expressed in the poem, so it doesn't bother me to read about it. I can imagine - though - that the avarage reader shoudn't like to read about your 'complaints' about the world you live in. But that isn't something I should worry about, because you don't have to deal with 'the avarage reader' - yet.

When you want to improve the poem, I should try to use more powerfull expressions and limit the amount of lines that you use to utter the feelings. But I think that changing a poem that you wrote in the seventh grade isn't a good idea: I should try to use the advices - that we explicitely and implicetely gave you - in your future poems. (Succes!)

ps. When the human mind and memory grows mature, the recognition of a personal feeling becomes gradually easier. Therefore, people are much faster bored and much slower entertained. I also noticed that throughout my devellopment as a poet, my demands for writing good poetry began to get increasingly intense: I wanted my poems to be both strong in expressing the feeling perfectly, as in encouraging that transmission through the perfect control of style. That is why my poetry now is so metaphorically, associative and musical.

I don't know how you will devellop yourself as a poet in the next years, but I think the structure of that devellopment has just been revealed.

[Koa]

But again, I think that - for a mature reader - the main theme of this poem is already well-known. I remember being a child with feelings simlilar to those you expressed in the poem, so it doesn't bother me to read about it. I can imagine - though - that the avarage reader shoudn't like to read about your 'complaints' about the world you live in. But that isn't something I should worry about, because you don't have to deal with 'the avarage reader' - yet.


I don't understand this. I found the topic was clever ( a lot of people never realise how useless it is to make fun of others...), and i thought complains about the world are something worth expressing (oh well, i do complain all the time :D )...

When is 7th grade?

[b]

Well, Koa

I wrote that not because I wanted to say that you shouden't complain in poetry - believe me: I do it a lot too - but that most people don't want to read such poems, because they only want to read about good things.

Of course - as I already said - that is no reason to stop uttering complaints in poems: that should be to rediculous for words. Every thought is worth expressing, also if people don't want to hear it. In some cases I would say especially if they don't want to hear it.

But when it comes to publishing - something I am buisy with now - you have to know that mass-culture doesn't work that way. In my head I am fighting a battle: will I go for succes or will I keep my Romantic views?

For me that choice has already been made: I will stay myself. (Hoping that such a thing also brings money...)

[Koa]

well that's a big hope...truth and money...well...i wish you good luck!

What you say still feels strange for me, i don't want to hear only about good things...happy poetry/music is soemthing i'm not very interested in, i prefer depressive stuff, maybe because of my pessimistic views...Of course there can be happy feelings etc, but if things are just 'look how beautiful the world looks', i can't help yawning (or feeling irritated in some cases ;))

When i write i can't think of readers, because the only thought of someone reading my things would make me stop writing immediately...i write for me, to let things out, and if i'm brave enough to share them, i consider it a big success. (and i'm currently going through a big show-off period...)

[b]

Well, Koa

You are not 'an average reader'! And truth and money aren't my hope! I am sorry Koa, that the discussion is pointing in that way. I know that you write for yourself: I am no fool. But when someone wants me to analyse her / his poetry, I will allways try to reach as many terrains as possible. In this case I had an unfortunate thought about 'the avarage reader'. (That was probably because I had a discussion with someone else in real life that pointed in that way.)

It is also very hard for me to think of readers in my mind. I haven't shared most of my most personal stuff with anyone else - yet. (That is one of the reasons why I use this forum...) But sometimes - when do I dare to share the feeling - I have the intention to amuse a public. Those things that I write are in a readers perspective: I play with one's thaughts! Therefore, you have to know the reader.

(But anyway, I believe we're taking over someone's post over again...)

[american_bad_angel1407]

Thanks you guys! (And Girls! :D ) Your advice is helping me to become way more open with letting people read my poetry. Like Koa said "When i write i can't think of readers, because the only thought of someone reading my things would make me stop writing immediately...i write for me, to let things out, and if i'm brave enough to share them, i consider it a big success." But you people are really nice and I don't mind, your not taking over my post, I enjoy this! If I get "TIME" then maybe I will post somemore of my poems!

[american_bad_angel1407]

Thanks you guys! (And Girls! :D ) Your advice is helping me to become way more open with letting people read my poetry. Like Koa said "When i write i can't think of readers, because the only thought of someone reading my things would make me stop writing immediately...i write for me, to let things out, and if i'm brave enough to share them, i consider it a big success." But you people are really nice and I don't mind, your not taking over my post, I enjoy this! If I get "TIME" then maybe I will post somemore of my poems!

[b]

Well... I suppose you make time then! ;)

[firestarter]

i have a question bartholomeus bloom
,
I wanted to say that you shouden't complain in poetry - believe me: I do it a lot too - but that most people don't want to read such poems, because they only want to read about good things.

i am not sure how you mean by this. are you saying that people dont want to read about bad things? bad things meaning like depressing, ugly, caotic, et. c? i dont know, for me writing poetry is an art, and in art you express all feelings of emotions, whether bad or good. i have found that a lot of readers who read under a specific author like reading about all emotions of the mind and not just specific ones.

of course knowing me, i probably got the whole thing wrong.
firestarter

[Koa]

That was the same doubt i had, firestarter. I dont think people dont want to read about bad things...if they do, they're fools trying to hide the reality, and this is not what i'm going to do...the world is made of both bad and good things (mostly bad probably...oh no that's the pessimistic me!), and i talk about both. It would surprise me to know that most people don't want to hear about it... :rolleyes:

[shadow]

Bart you a ****ing moron. nuf said.

[mike_monkey]

hay everybody,
i am kinda new here but i was able to read some poems. i really like this one a lot. but i have to agree with firestarter, poetry is an art and art does express every emotion.

[Shea]

Bart you a ****ing moron. nuf said.

This is not a place for attacking people. This is a place for sharing and discussing ideas. You obviously have none.

[Koa]

the best way to deal with that kind of thing is ignore them.

[Shea]

Your right Koa, I just didn't like the foul language!

[Phantom]

heh, yea i dont agree with barts views on poetry much :-?

[Phantom]

Bart you a ****ing moron. nuf said.

This is not a place for attacking people. This is a place for sharing and discussing ideas. You obviously have none.

I believe his idea was that bart was a ****ing moron....LOL

[Shea]

I believe his idea was that bart was a ****ing moron....LOL

Whatever, that's an opinion not an idea. And so the ignoring begins.

[Phantom]

why ignore shadow...he did nothing to you. He was just mad at bart.

[Koa]

If i disagree, i say i disagree and discuss. Respecting the other people's views.

If I see someone insulting someone else for free in a public forum, i ignore it: they dont deserve attention and i'd rather use my energies for something more enriching.

[b]

Hello, everyone

Talking about "taking over one's thread"! Don't you guys see what you are doing!

'We' are ruining the thread of american_bad_angel, who wanted us to reply on her / his poetry. Look what we are doing now: insulting each other and discussing the insult instead of the poem! If someone new on the forum comes in and begins to insult people - whether or not meant seriously - we should just IGNORE the guy / girl who is doing this!

Since most of you were aware of this too, I herewith thank those who tried to be resonable - practically anybody exept the one who made the first insult, who fled from the discussion anyway...

Of course I realise that my vague replies have partly caused this problem. So to solve this problem, I'll have to make sure that noone misinterpretes my views on poetry and - more generally - art. Therefore, I'll give my 'abstract' difinition of art and a specification of that difinition on this situation below:

“The method with which an individual expresses an emotion (or more abstract: a thought) (that describes a fictive reality or at least a variation on an existing reality).”

A problem of communication that emerged in this thread, was that of the goal that people have to make art. Individually, every emotion that is uttered can be considered as an art. According to my most abstract difinition, that is true.
But when you want your art to interfere with other people - most artists have to interfere when they want to be albe to continue their activities -, not every emotion that is uttered on whatever artistical way is respected as an art. At that point, the artists sometimes has to make a choice: will I become pointed to society, or will I preserve my artistical integrety? Of course the real artist chooses for he last option.

Apparantly, noone besides me - on this site - got ever to publishing their works, which brings us to the nature of the case: I became vague in my replies because I am busy with publishing - and the personal questions involved - right now.

ps. The defintion of art and a specification of it on this situation can be performed much more abstract. But when I would reply so abstract, the answer to the problem should even raise more questions than ithis answer already might do. But if you do want to become more abstract in a discussion with me, I as a '****ing moron' - or not - invite you to post your questions and statements elsewhere on this forum, to make sure that american_bad_angel remaines her / his artistical integrety!

[Shea]

A_B_A, I must agree with the rest that I like this poem more than your others. It was easier to connect with you as an author while I read this. Funny though I was able to connect with "the Girl" in your poem too. I have "brown hair & hazel eyes", and looking back I did dress kinda funny and never really cared about my hair. I liked the way you described her, you make her "more real".

I also liked the view you took. Most people would probably have written from the perspective of your "Girl". It was nice to read something different and to know that not all the "ridiculers" have no concience. ;)

Keep doing the good work!

[american_bad_angel1407]

Welcome mike! I'm also kinda new to this place. Thanks for the compliment on my poetry. And also feel free to critize/comment on any of my poetry.