The Day of Forever

[hansu-senpai]

This is a text I wrote for a written test in English class! Only the title was given. Tell me what you guys think of it!

THE DAY OF FOREVER

All time has come to a halt. Nobody moves. The wind is resting and not a sound can be heard. I can still breathe, although I have no clue how that would work. I am the only person currently alive capable of movement. I say currently but if time has actually stopped for everyone except myself I don’t think I’ll be seeing any new kids in the neighborhood any time soon.

I wander around town and try to figure out what I’m supposed to do. I am surprisingly calm. And I get stressed out easily in situations I am not comfortable or familiar with. It’s almost as if I have accepted something I don’t fully comprehend which I normally wouldn’t do. I am a curious little thing. I always want a definite answer before I can move on. There’s always that hunger for a conclusion that bites me in the side, not wanting to let go. So I succumb to it. As of right now, though, the hunger hasn’t even nibbled. It’s actually a very pleasant feeling.

I spot an open door and therefore choose to walk towards it. Might as well explore everything now that I’m not leashed by government laws or my wallet. The closer I get to the door, I realize that it’s actually the town’s museum. How I didn’t notice that to begin with is beyond me. I suppose my eyes were only looking for somewhere to enter, not paying attention to details. I reach out my hand, touch the door and swing around it like you would a pole. I almost trip and fall but my grip tightens and I am safe. I enter the building and traverse into the abyss of ancient history.

There are people standing everywhere. It’s actually a quite popular exhibit and citizens from all over the county come here to see the facilities. I’ve never been here. My economic situation is not the best and I barely have food every day. I have never been able to keep a job for more than half a month and it’s been pretty hectic. But right now I’m going to enjoy myself and relax while I absorb some history about our country.

It’s pretty boring, mind you. No one can give me any information and it’s too quiet. I can’t ask anyone about anything because people at the moment only give me blank stares like they can’t even see me. And they can’t. I walk outside disappointed and look up towards the sky. It is still noon. I don’t think I ever mentioned that but so it is. I guess it makes sense considering the fact that everything is stuck in this fragment of time and the universe was not kept out of this ordeal. Except me. There must be some meaning behind the whole scenario. Like there’s something I’m supposed to do or fix. But nobody gave me a memo about anything, so I will spend my everlasting fragment of time as I see fit. Nothing can stop me. Not even time, apparently.

I start towards my home. Not my current home but my parent’s. I feel like checking on them to see what they were up to when time froze. It’s a ways from downtown but it’s manageable. I have all the time in the world and I am actually not in bad shape. I’m not some fitness guru or anything but I am generally as healthy as a kangaroo. Well, if you put my living standards in perspective.

My parent’s house is close. A silhouette starts to shape in front of me. It’s my mom. I can tell because my dad would never stand bent over in their backyard. I haven’t seen them in a while, thinking about it. Not since they kicked me out. With good reason, I’ll have you know. I was lazy and nothing they said got to me. I didn’t pay rent or anything either. So they threw me out and set me on my journey. I am thankful for it, because it taught me a great deal about life and how tough it actually is out there. I owe a lot to those two.

I can smell the house now. I can smell mom’s cookery and dad’s tobacco. It’s a familiar and calming smell, as if I wasn’t calm enough already. A feeling of happiness and delight fills me as I gain more and more speed. I realize how much I actually miss the two of them and how I really want to say hi to them, even if they can’t see or hear me. I extend my hands in front of me. At this point I am running. As I run I see my mom get up from her bent position and turn towards me. Her hands reach out towards me. My eyes well up with tears. All I want is to feel her warm cheeks against mine. I run up to her. Her arms grasp around me and I grasp around her. As we hug, she says to me: “I love you so much.”
Those are the exact words I want to hear from her. As the sentence comes to its finish, the world fades away and everything turns to nothing. Now I can move on.

[Calidore]

For starters, your English is excellent, so no worries there.

I do have a couple of problems with the story itself. One is a personal pet peeve: Having the narrator of a first-person story die at the end yet still somehow tell the story never makes sense. The other is that you seem to be cheating a bit to enhance the twist ending by introducing outright contradictions. For example, in paragraph four, he states, "My economic situation is not the best and I barely have food every day. I have never been able to keep a job for more than half a month and it’s been pretty hectic", present tense, while at the end he makes clear he knows he's dead. The story has to be consistent within itself. We may not know everything the narrator knows (nor do we need to), but he still knows what he knows, and can't be written as if he doesn't.

I like this kind of Twilight Zone-ish story very much, so I'd like to see you make it work. I'll also look forward to reading more from you.

[Hawkman]

Yes, this was an interesting read. I'm not sure that I agree with Calidore's pet peeve. With a story written in present tense in which the reader discovers what the narrator discovers as he discovers it, in what amounts to a stream of consciousness, the narrative is not designed to read as as a physical text but as a window into the psyche. I do agree that when a text is presented as some form of epistle or journal which implies continuation after death, then the incongruity is jarring, unless some credible form of diagetic explanation is forthcoming. This does not apply to this story though. Consequently, I don't find any contradiction apparent in the issue flagged by Cal. The narrator doesn't know he's dead when he talks about his current situation. He discovers this when the world fades and "he can move on". However, given the obvious change in the state of his existence which is being described, it would not be out of place for him to qualify his observation about his financial circumstances with "Until now" or "Recently," combined with "my economic situation has not been..." which would acknowledge the state change.

Your english is indeed very good, and I don't fault your writing on grammatical grounds but I would flag some idiomatic usage which to my ear feels a little awkward. For example:

"...while I absorb some history about our country."

It would be more usual to say "...while I absorb some of our country's history" or possibly "...while I learn a little about our country's history." The way you've written the sentence seems slightly unnatural to a native english speaker. It's a touch too formal for colloquial speech.

However, the story is engaging. Welcome to linnet.

Live and be well - H

[DATo]

Good story. Excellent English - please convey my compliments to your teachers.

In most cases I would have to agree with Calidore with regard to dead people telling a story (how can they be telling a story if they're dead?) but in this particular case it works, and works well. I imagine the narrator at the moment when his spirit leaves his earthly existence, therefore he is still earthbound, so to speak, until the final word of his narration. The oft-used conceit of a ghost being unable to find their way until some unresolved issue has been addressed was beautifully depicted by the meeting of the narrator and his mother.

Very nicely done hansu-senpai !

[Calidore]

Good points made by Hawkman and DATo both about the style of story lending itself to the first-person mode of telling despite the ending. I tend to be earthbound myself, so it didn't register that this was a different kind of thing altogether. So never mind.

Hawkman raised another point about the narrator not knowing he was dead. I had dismissed that because of the way the ending was written ("Those are the exact words I want to hear from her."/"Now I can move on."), which felt to me like he had known. At the beginning, he also says, "I can still breathe, although I have no clue how that would work"; though right afterward, it's "I am the only person currently alive capable of movement", which goes the other way.

So IMO the issue is that it's not clear even at the end whether or not he knew he's dead. If he does and that's the twist, you need to fix the outright contradictions earlier. If not, some sense of discovery/revelation when he realizes would seem fitting. (He also doesn't wonder at his mother's ability to move, but I wasn't sure if that was you hinting that his parents are no longer living also.)

For educational purposes: In a plural possessive ending in "s", the apostrophe goes on the outside. Thus the possessive for "parents" is "parents'", not "parent's".

[hansu-senpai]

I'm glad someone took the time to read and give comments about my text, I really appreciate it!
I have read everything you guys had to say, and I must say that I agree. I felt that some points made in the story weren't emphasized enough to make the reader fully comprehend what was going on but I made them stay as they were for that exact reason. I wanted room for interpretation. Also, there was a time-limit. We were to finish writing in about 1 1/2 hours. This caused a bit of a stressed situation in which I had to skip a few scenarios in the narrative but I felt as if those weren't needed to make my point anyway.