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MorningForger
10-27-2014, 11:15 AM
The White Deer
By A.M. Smith

The dawn was moments from breaking and a hunter silently perched among the treetops. His lookout had been crafted by his own hands the summer before. He had labored for two days in the scorching sun. He worked the saw back and forth, cutting lengths of wood to place as struts, as floor boards, as guard rails, but only just enough. Beads of sweat ran down his neck and through the tunnels of his shirt and waistband. He worked the hammer to place the lengths of wood at perfect angles. He told himself he only wanted something that worked, but with each stroke of the hammer he aimed not only for the nail head, but also perfection. He poured his desires into the construction of this stand and with each wipe of his brow he envisioned the mighty beast as his ultimate prize. He’d hunted these woods before. Hunted the whitetail. But he never stayed in one place too long. Many busts adorned his cabin walls, but he always sought one that might reign over them. They as his subjects, busied by far-off things. It was this picture that came together, piece by piece, with each rail smoothed, each foothold carved.

Now winter, cold and bleak, the dawn broke over the ridge to the right of the stand. The leaves shifted like whispers and caught hold of streaking sunlight and flicked it around the forest. A mourning dove heralded the new light with its dirge and a squirrel bustled at the foot of the hunter’s tree. Frantic, almost, it searched for something it was sure was just under the surface. It cursed the night’s fresh layer of light snow. The hunter had arrived with pride fully two hours before and settled into the crook of the tree’s splitting trunk. It held him like a cradle and the sounds of the early morning forest had pulled him like quicksand into a quiet slumber. From the next tree over, a horned owl had investigated his soft breathing at different angles with quick and purposeful twists of its neck. It called a single note of approval or uncertainty and fled into the darkness with surprising silence. Now, though, the warm light trickled through the brittle branches and played with shadows on the forest floor. Calls from the crows and the barking of squirrels and crackling of warming twigs and ice created a soft din throughout. Still the hunter did not stir. Those playful shadows coalesced into a form. A chameleonic deer peaked through a gateway framed by two oaken guardians. Her fur was sleek and grey in the adolescent light. She slinked without sound a dozen feet or so and stopped to appraise the land. Her graceful neck bent toward the treetops, through which a fading moon could still be seen. A scent gathered through her nares and sent a signal into the white underside of her tail and it flickered a soundless warning. She sniffed again and seemed satisfied to continue silently on. She disappeared through a copse of prickly ash as quietly as she had arrived.

The hunter shifted in his position in the trees. The polished barrel of his rifle glinted in the dim light and slid to abutment against the bark of his cradle. A soft clink of metal on tree bark, a sound foreign to these woods, travelled to the hunter’s ear and stirred him further.
The cacophonous forest quickly decrescendoed; animals became scarce and leaves hung listless as the cold breeze failed in its course through the trees. A calm settled over the entire forest, and all was still. The light from the cresting sun dimmed and in its place a soft white glow began to metastasize from a single, yet nebulous point, dispelling the trickster shadows. It was as if the snow itself was becoming luminescent. It grew in intensity and cast its own shadows, these reverent in contrast with their impish cousins. A magnificent beast stepped out of the light. The size of a moose, this deer was stately in his body alone, but as he stepped between the same two oaks as his predecessor, his massive antlers towered like their own forest of leafless trees. They hid secrets of their own as they marched through these deep woods. His perfectly black hooves split the white snow with breathtaking contrast. But then his coat seized the eye. It was an improbable white. Purity that made the fresh snow appear marred with ages of smut and dirt. He gazed deep with eyes like black holes bordered by a thin gold line about the periphery. The shadows bowed and swayed back to follow his slow procession through the trees. Each purposeful step proclaimed his majesty as he followed the same path as virtually all of his kin—if indeed they were his kin and not his subjects—the path that led from the oak trees around a hillock and then to a small clearing straight in front of the hunter’s stand before bending north and following a ridgeline that dove down to disappear into the thick prickly ash. He slowed to a stop before the hillock. The muscles of his neck rippled through his beautiful coat as he lifted his head to test the air. Dust, or pixies, caught the light and danced around him in dazzling silence. He came now to the clearing and only then could one fully appreciate his grandeur. Stark against the small insignificance of background trees, he stood like a monument to ancient deities. Sculpted by talented hands that had witnessed the very creation of greatness. He stood in profile and slowly scanned the landscape, turning his gaze finally toward the stand. Silence. Beauty. Magnificence.
A shot tore through the calm silence and the creature seized up and stiffened. His coat speckled with tiny beads of bright red. They gathered and ran together to dive off the small shafts of white hair and bury themselves in the fresh snow, burrowing a tunnel to the old ground with their heat. His shoulder muscles rippled and twitched. The golden ring around the blacks of his eyes stretched to allow for greater gulps of light. The glint of metal in the treetops caught his gaze. Movement, just the slightest. The barrel of the hunter’s gun trailed down to rest against the tree. The creature studied it. Not panic. Hastened awareness. The echo from the report faded. The snow was shifting from soft pink to deep slushy red. A black hoof lifted from its post and the creature took a step forward. His eyes still fixed on the glint spot. Another step. And another. He pulled his gaze from the treetops and vanished into the ash.

A mourning dove called out. Louder than before. Then another. Then a crow croaked its abrasive caw. A breeze coaxed the leaves into a continuation of their hushed conversations. The din of the forest returned and a pool of red snow expanded out from a single point. A new universe born from the blood of a body now turning cold in the morning. The weak rays of sunlight tried to warm it, but the cold was winning. The hunter barely moved. He stared into the clearing in front of him at that new universe slowly expanding toward him. He wondered if it might swallow him up. He stared and a tear fell from his eyelashes and onto the clean, smooth floorboard of his stand.
The End.

108 fountains
10-27-2014, 03:39 PM
It's a good story, MorningForger. You have an impressive grasp of language and use it to good effect. I imagine the story was not easy to write since intrinsically there is no chance for dialogue or for much action, so that it necessarily relies totally on exposition. Rich descriptions help fill in the gaps left by lack of action, but my criticism (please take it as constructive criticism) is that you may have gone a bit overboard in the descriptions. Paragraphs two and three in particular start to really drag and I found myself wanting to skip ahead to get on with the story. The sentences are all well-written and paint a vivid scene, but it just felt to me that there was too much description. For a story that is necessarily slow-paced to begin with, the excess descriptions ended up slowing things down even more. It's a matter of taste, of course, and another reader might feel differently, but this reader felt that a little trimming would be an improvement.

Also, you might want to skip a line between paragraphs (if necessary, you can go into the "advanced settings" to do that). Part of the problem might just be that the reader is faced with a huge block of text. Breaking it up with line breaks is an easy fix for that.

Calidore
10-27-2014, 06:17 PM
I'll second everything 108 fountains said. You write well and clearly, but seem to be trying way too hard; for example your stressing of the majesty of the deer just seems to go on and on. Also, sentences like "the cacophonous forest quickly decrescendoed" make me think your thesaurus needs to be hidden from you.

MorningForger
10-28-2014, 11:00 AM
I appreciate the feedback, you two. At the risk of sounding defensive, one of my goals with this piece, being very short with little plot, was to be as descriptive as possible. The whole thesaurus thing...never really used one. It might seem like I was stretching for longer and more diverse word choice, and in a way I was, because the imagery is such that I needed to convey "silence" and "peace" etc over and over and it would become very redundant to not vary my word choices. Again, I appreciate the feedback and will most certainly take it into account when I edit this piece. Thanks.

Calidore
10-28-2014, 02:22 PM
I appreciate the feedback, you two. At the risk of sounding defensive, one of my goals with this piece, being very short with little plot, was to be as descriptive as possible. The whole thesaurus thing...never really used one. It might seem like I was stretching for longer and more diverse word choice, and in a way I was, because the imagery is such that I needed to convey "silence" and "peace" etc over and over and it would become very redundant to not vary my word choices. Again, I appreciate the feedback and will most certainly take it into account when I edit this piece. Thanks.

You know what, it's perfectly okay if it's very short; you don't need to artificially lengthen it with more and more description. That's what 108 fountains and myself were getting at. You say, "I needed to convey "silence" and "peace" etc over and over", but our point is that you don't. Once you've established an atmosphere, it doesn't need constant refreshing. Instead of looking for many ways to keep saying the same thing, ask yourself why you need to keep saying it in the first place.

MorningForger
10-28-2014, 02:53 PM
Ah yes. I see what you mean now. I have this idea in my head of what is happening and I want to make sure the reader gets it, but perhaps I'm giving the reader too little credit. I may be assuming their inability to carry forward the atmosphere already established to new scenes... Thank you!

AuntShecky
10-28-2014, 06:21 PM
Try to develop a more organic style which naturally grows out of the story itself. The author is too visible here; he's heavy-handed and too conscious of engaging in the act of "telling" a story. The result is abstract, filtered, and artificial.

My advice is to read a variety of modern and contemporary short stories in order to get an idea of how to create effective fiction.

DATo
10-28-2014, 07:56 PM
A very nice piece of writing MorningForger. Though I myself am not a hunter I used to know someone who was a devout hunter and he used to tell me many tales of his experiences. I think he would appreciate this story very much. Though he took the lives of the deer he hunted he had a profound respect for them. He held an almost religious reverence for every animal he killed and held them in much higher regard than those who took to the woods a few days each year pretending to be hunters. As I read your piece his stories came vividly to mind.

MorningForger
10-29-2014, 08:43 AM
Thanks for the comments. I know a lot of focus has been on my overly-descriptive style, but one of the major reasons I posted this here was to see what people thought about the story itself, particularly the ending. There's something of a twist at the end that virtually no one who has read this story to date has completely followed and I don't really know why. I'm not sure if any of you have noticed it either, but I really want to figure out why no one sees it and how I can fix it. The "twist" is that you hear the gun shot, see the blood, the deer keeps walking, "disappears" into the trees, and yet the hunter is looking at a dead body in front of him. I purposely left what specifically happened vague so the reader could kind of come to his/her own conclusions, but nevertheless I wanted to convey that the white deer is NOT the body in front of the hunter...any suggestions??

DATo
10-29-2014, 11:14 AM
I can't speak for others but even with my limited knowledge of hunting I know that a deer usually does not just drop when he is shot. I imagined the deer walking off a little way before dropping (usually they run). This is probably what others think as well which is why they don't see the twist.

108 fountains
10-29-2014, 11:38 AM
Thanks for the comments. I know a lot of focus has been on my overly-descriptive style, but one of the major reasons I posted this here was to see what people thought about the story itself, particularly the ending. There's something of a twist at the end that virtually no one who has read this story to date has completely followed and I don't really know why. I'm not sure if any of you have noticed it either, but I really want to figure out why no one sees it and how I can fix it. The "twist" is that you hear the gun shot, see the blood, the deer keeps walking, "disappears" into the trees, and yet the hunter is looking at a dead body in front of him. I purposely left what specifically happened vague so the reader could kind of come to his/her own conclusions, but nevertheless I wanted to convey that the white deer is NOT the body in front of the hunter...any suggestions??

Hi Morningforger,

I totally missed the "dead body" in front of the hunter. You have it there in your sentence, "A new universe born from the blood of a body now turning cold in the morning." The phrase "body now turning cold in the morning" is what I missed. My brain sort of stopped after reading the word "blood" and the image I had in my mind was of a spreading pool of blood that had come from the deer. The idea still works, though, even without the dead body in front of the hunter. I like the concept of leaving something to the reader to interpret, and in this case it could be interpreted in any number of ways. For me, I didn't try to make a specific interpretation of the idea of the hunter being engulfed by the "new universe" represented by the spreading pool of blood. I just took it to mean that this event had a profound effect on him (maybe he would never hunt again, maybe he had a different feeling about the life of living things, maybe he viewed his own life from a new perspective - I didn't go any further than the possibilities). If I had realized the image was meant to be that he was looking at a dead body that was not the body of the deer rather than a pool of blood from a wounded deer, I think my conclusions would pretty much be the same.

As I said, I liked the concept and the way you presented it. If you are thinking about making changes, one thing you might consider is going into a little more detail in this part (in contrast to all the earlier comments about providing too much detail in other parts of the story) to give more of a clue, but only if you want the reader to draw a more specific interpretation. Also, the phrase "new universe," while not a bad word choice in itself, might not be the best words you want here, although I am not sure what other words would be better. The phrase seems a little too broad, possibly a little too vague. This piece is "poetic" in that in the way you have written it, single words and phrases, especially in the final paragraph, are very important. I think the phrase "new universe" is the most important phrase in the story, but I wonder if you might be able to find a better word or phrase to convey your meaning.

Carousel
10-29-2014, 12:07 PM
Sorry I don’t buy "A new universe born from the blood” explanation. The story line doesn’t support it. The ordinary reader would need a giant leap of understanding to accept that from the text.

I think we would need more info to answer your question.
The "twist" is that you hear the gun shot, see the blood, the deer keeps walking, "disappears" into the trees, and yet the hunter is looking at a dead body in front of him.

So who was in the line of fire? If the body is another human then it follows that the deer wouldn’t have been anywhere near the location. Which only leads to one answer which is the gun misfired and killed the hunter but then how was he looking at the body?

You see the problem we have?

Calidore
10-29-2014, 12:48 PM
Thanks for the comments. I know a lot of focus has been on my overly-descriptive style, but one of the major reasons I posted this here was to see what people thought about the story itself, particularly the ending. There's something of a twist at the end that virtually no one who has read this story to date has completely followed and I don't really know why. I'm not sure if any of you have noticed it either, but I really want to figure out why no one sees it and how I can fix it. The "twist" is that you hear the gun shot, see the blood, the deer keeps walking, "disappears" into the trees, and yet the hunter is looking at a dead body in front of him. I purposely left what specifically happened vague so the reader could kind of come to his/her own conclusions, but nevertheless I wanted to convey that the white deer is NOT the body in front of the hunter...any suggestions??

I kind of noticed it, but I was well into skim mode by the time I got to the end, and it seems like I wasn't alone. I think here you have a perfect demonstration of the effect of burying a story under the writing.

MorningForger
10-29-2014, 06:27 PM
My original thought is that the hunter is so overwhelmed by the majesty and beauty of the deer that even though it epitomizes everything he always wanted to display on his wall, he can't bring himself to kill it. In the process of admiring it, he spies another hunter about to do the deed he couldn't and chooses to kill the other hunter instead. The major problem with this is exactly what carousel was getting at. The way it's written demands that this second hunter have unparalleled hunting/tracking skills in order to get so close that his blood stains the deer's coat. I wanted that imagery though. I guess that's the problem. The unlikelihood of that scenario paired with the abundance of details...the brain skips right over it and assumes the most common outcome: hunter sees deer, hunter kills deer.

Carousel
10-29-2014, 07:10 PM
Yes, when I was half way through the story I thought in spite of the hunters longing for the supreme trophy when it’s in his sights he can’t bring himself to pull the trigger. It was the dead body that confused me.

Just a thought, you could drop the second hunter and go with the above, that in itself is quite a noble ending.

Calidore
10-29-2014, 11:07 PM
Rereading it after your explanation, I'm not sure if the problem was vagueness in the writing or a situation illogical enough that the reader wouldn't think of it. As far as the hunter approaching the deer, that could be solved by the deer approaching the hidden and waiting hunter instead; but having two hunters still creates numerous logistical problems for the story, which are all eliminated by removing the other hunter (or can possibly be eliminated with a great deal of work on your part).

MorningForger
10-30-2014, 12:06 AM
I guess the whole two hunter thing was just my first idea...I liked the concept of the hunter deciding he'd rather kill the deer's predator than be one himself. However, I didn't like the idea of telling the reader that's what happened. I preferred to let the reader decide. That said, MOST readers assumed the deer got killed, which really isn't what I intended. But I suppose in the end I can't very well say, "you decide what happens," and then say, "no, that's not what happens."

All of your suggestions and thoughts are welcomed and I thank you all for taking the time to read this, and in some cases re-read. Any other thoughts or suggestions are definitely appreciated! I will take everything into account when I edit/re-write.