Short story for class: I really want it to be good.

[Lissy Gold]

Everybody Starts a Virgin
Worry has grown in her like a grandson. She hated him. He was only an idea until now. But when one finds out that they have a grandchild, they are going to be worried, but mostly confused- which leads one to worry more. She doesn’t know how this was possible, and I know even less.
This baby has been doing a terrible thing: It digs into her heart like that ugly object went in and out- then in and out again- of her daughter’s legs that conceived the physical evidence of life’s accident. He is ruining her flesh and blood, while it only costs her daughter some flesh and some blood.
“Good morning. How are you?” I say. “Tired,” is her response. Why would you say that to me? Don’t you know that it hurts me to see you hurting? I didn’t mean for this to be my life. I know you were up crying all night. How can I sleep knowing that? It hurts me to know that I’m hurting her so.
And I do nothing but raise this son of my own.

. . .
I can’t find his bottles! Where the **** did you put his bottles? Why are you trying to starve him, mother? Don’t you know I still have breasts? She doesn’t understand that she should be the one spoiling my child, not starving him. She’s supposed to make him big and fat and prosperous, and then leave it to me to clean up his piss. If my child dies, I should be the one to kill him; even if she hates him more than I do.
It’s his time. I am more nauseated than I thought was possible in this world. I cry, knowing my life will always be in a different light after all this. Now on the table, I start to go under.
As I wake, I am told that he came out just as was intended; Every body starts a virgin.

[Lissy Gold]

This story does allude to sex and birth, but it is just a metaphor. Please let me know what you think it is actually about.

[108 fountains]

I tried hard, I really did. I read it three times carefully, but the only thing I came away with is that you must be referring to some kind of intergenerational conflict. It's possible that I'm just dense and other readers can figure out what the metaphor is supposed to be, but if other readers struggle with it like I have, then you may want to go back and do a re-write so that it's not so hard to figure out.

[108 fountains]

Well, I read it again and think now that maybe the point of the story is to show the conflict between mother and daughter when the daughter turns up pregnant and unmarried. In which case, I don't know that it's really a metophor, but at least I can understand that. And if that is the point, then I think you made a good start. It appears that your use of pronouns without antecedents at the beginning of the story is done intentionally as a writing technique, and I think that's fine when doen intentionally like that. But there are some errors in grammar that should be corrected that would help make the story more clear; for example, the verb tenses kind of jump from one place to the other, and I thnk you really need them to be consistent, even if the storyline is not linear. Instead of going through it line by line here, I'll send you a personal message with some attempts at editing.

[MorningForger]

I'm with 108 fountains on this. I read it through several times yesterday and almost wrote a reply on here, but kept thinking, "I'm not following this at all..." so I ended up not posting anything. On second thought, and after reading 108 fountains' comments, I realized by saying nothing I'm doing you a potential disservice. I really didn't understand what I was reading at all. Maybe your goal was to be vague and non-specific--and I get that--but if the vast majority of your readers haven't a clue what you're talking about, you've effectively whittled your audience down to nothing. Perhaps ask yourself what exactly you wanted to convey with this piece and rethink how you might be able to get that across more clearly, while still not holding your readers' hands through the process. Sometimes it's a fine line.

[Carousel]

If you intended to be vague and non-specific I’m afraid that’s not the way to write a short story i.e. stories have a beginning a middle and an end, you are writing a story, not a poem.
Sorry I can’t be of much help to you only to say take on board the comments of what others have said and re-write.

[108 fountains]

It's very nice to see some new members actually taking the time to comment.

[Calidore]

Like Roger Ebert once said, "If you have to ask what something symbolized, it didn't." I'd also add that if you as the author felt the need to step outside the story and tell your readers that it's metaphorical, then you already have an idea that the story isn't speaking for itself. MorningForger's quite right; it is a fine line. Practicing and getting feedback just like you're doing are the keys to finding it.

One thing about using pronouns exclusively: You have at least two characters of the same gender and thus being referred to by the same pronoun, which forces the reader out of the story to try to parse who's being referred to at any given time. If a technique you want to use ends up interfering with the actual storytelling, then the technique needs to go.


It's very nice to see some new members actually taking the time to comment.

Yes, it is. Hope to see new (and old) folks continuing to chime in.

[DATo]

The metaphor you allude to is deliciously elusive. My mind was jumping from abortion, to capital punishment; from writing, to tattooing & piercing, to drugs. Each possibility has both open paths and shut doors in the maze to the solution. I admit I am stumped. Perhaps a few very gentle hints would be of help to the reader.

[Delta40]

I agree with the above comments. Names would help the confusion. I like metaphors. They work well poetically but are difficult in story form unless enlightenment will follow at some point. You definitely have something but don't leave it there like a discarded afterbirth ok?