Mornings

[Peripheral]

The car could well be
on water, to wake to
mist colored linoleum swells
the angles of my
body into plumper
flesh. Fresh
memories of star-
board dozing above
the reef seem
alien to the carpeted
bed behind the driver's
seat, but midnight knocks and
flashlights through the blackout
curtains are moonlight
and splashes when the dawn
speaks of blueness.



So in a workshop the teacher said something along the lines of how my style seems to try to obfuscate/hide meaning rather than generate multiple avenues of meaning. I have a soft spot for my style but recognize the obfuscation deal and that it does exist in my poems. Here's a draft of a poem that's attempting to maintain my style but also not seem like an attempt to hide any meaning from readers. Any thoughts?

--------Rough edit

The car could well be on water. Waking
in the back seat to a dim teal
on the linoleum swells
the angles of my body into plumper
flesh. Fresh memories of star-board
dozing above the reef seem alien
to the midnight knocks and the flashlights
that show how the blackout curtains
did not calk my interior. But then the dawn
speaks of blueness, of the soft asphalt sea.

[Delta40]

You're speaking to Dummy 101 when it comes to being a critic. For what it's worth I find reading poetry evokes hazy pictures and/or emotion. Where only images appear, it's because my brain hasn't found or connected a meaning, message or metaphor in what I have read. I often wonder if I am dim or whether I was supposed to find one. However, with such poems I frequently enjoy the landscape I travel through. It appeals to my senses so I reason that any meaning doesn't necessarily matter.

As a poet I think we should consider the reader who is diverse and realise what a task it is to satisfy such a wide audience. This at least gives us more confidence in our unique style and to ensure that we develop it rather than compromise it.

I hope this is helpful x

[Peripheral]

Very helpful. Yeah, I don't really understand the poems that my favorite poets write. I feel like, especially at a reading, there's a kind of trance that the rhythm of words creates that I really enjoy. That being said, the misunderstanding that arises from those poets is more a broad misunderstanding that welcomes interpretation but nevertheless leads you along a unique path of meaning. Difficult to explain. But the difference between confusing poems that work and confusing poems that don't is usually pretty obvious. But I agree with "consider the reader". At least as far as making sure that the reader has a sense of the rhythm and is not just staring bewildered at a column of words that feel more like sodoku than poetry.

[Bar22do]

For me, your poem reflects rather well the dream/day reality confusion one often experiences when waking up...
For the rest, you certainly do have a good sense of poetry (IMO) and I enjoyed reading you!

Best from Bar

[Hawkman]

Certainly, your style obfuscates meaning. Neither does it function particularly well as mood poetry. It has a dream-like quality, yes, but your line-breaks and inadequate punctuation undermine the objective, I feel.

For example:

"The car could well be
on water,"

is a statement and the line, ending with a comma, does not lead into the subsequent idea. The use of "to" before "wake" only works as another statement, so it would need a full stop after "water." I would prefer "waking" here as it is more expressive and contextually appropriate for the immediacy of the context.

"to wake to
mist colored linoleum swells
the angles of my
body into plumper
flesh."

Now here, the placement of "swells" at the end of the line connects "mist coloured linoleum" with the idea of water, which makes "the angles of my body / into plumper flesh" read incongruously. If, however, you had begun the subsequent line with swells, the sentence would be more coherent in expressing the idea.

"...Fresh
memories of star-
board dozing above
the reef seem"

Again, your line-breaks are random. This is free verse, and in order to be coherent, line-breaks need to naturally reflect spoken rhythms (and stand in for punctuation when it's absent) in order to convey sense and maintain a proper pace. Rather than leaving "Fresh" hanging at the brink, it would be preferable to end the line with "memories" and use the preposition "of" to begin the next line, and not split starboard. There really is no excuse for this. If you had been working to a strict syllable count per line, then perhaps it would have been justifiable, but it is far too prosaic a technique, being associated with making a line of text fit within a given margin. It does not work well in poetry. Likewise, the proper place for the line break is before "seem". To have placed it after "alien" wouldn't work either, as it creates an unnatural caesura in the sentence. You could have put a comma after "reef" which would have ameliorated the flaw.

"alien to the carpeted
bed behind the driver's
seat,"

Why would a bed be "carpeted"? The adjective "carpeted" is really unnecessary embellishment. Do people habitually sleep on the floor of the car behind the front seats? Hardly comfortable and not really conducive to sleeping, and likely only to provoke nightmares!

"but midnight knocks and
flashlights through the blackout
curtains are moonlight
and splashes when the dawn
speaks of blueness."

Apart from the line-break problems, (try to avoid ending lines with conjunctions and prepositions, it's not good practice) the "and" should be at the beginning of the line...

"but midnight knocks
and flashlights
through the blackout curtains
are moonlight and splashes
when the dawn speaks of blueness."

I have some problems with the concept in these last few lines, though. Blackout curtains are impenetrable by light, so the idea of moonlight and flashlights coming through them doesn't really work as an image. Dropping "blackout" is an option, although I concede this is a niggling criticism. After all, there is license in poetry. What really doesn't work, though, is the juxtaposition of midnight and dawn in the same timeframe. This timeframe is established by your use of "when". "While" would be better here, because in the sense in which it is used, the comparison is clearer. Word choices are of paramount importance! you need to be alive to all the nuances of those you use. You must always assume that your reader will be. I'm still uncomfortable with "splashes". Is "splashes" being used as a verb or a noun? It is difficult to determine what concept you are trying to convey. Are you saying that the moonlight is splashy, or are you saying the moonlight is splashed by dawn? Do you see the incongruity? I feel you have chosen words for internal rhyme and assonance, rather than coherent meaning. There is also a potential subject/verb disagreement here. E.g. "and splash when the dawn speaks of blueness", which would be appropriate with "when".

Now it may appear that I have just torn this poem to shreds, but I haven't really. The ideas behind it are sound, and making only minor changes makes it very expressive. The odd word here, a tweak to a line break there, and overall, the piece has good tone. An interesting read.

Live and be well - H

[Jerrybaldy]

I was confuddled by your poem but can see that you can write. What I do wanted to point out is the great feedback and advice you received from the people above. It's great to see!
Cheers
JB

[Peripheral]

Yeah, huge thanks everyone for the feedback. And Hawkman, you're awesome. I knew the poem was more confusing than generative, but your feedback allows me to focus on the particular flaws. I'll revise the poem sometime soon to clarify things. Thank you!