Charlotte sometimes

[DieterM]

and sometimes, Charlotte, sometimes
I dream of Zanzibar,
and my pillow smells of cloves,
of nutmeg, cinnamon, black pepper,
around me rooms, large and bare,
and raffia rugs tickle my feet

my dream, Charlotte, feels like
your pink silk dressing gown
and wears your fragrance
even when I dream that I taste salt
on your white face,
the salt of tidy breezes
and your enslaving tears

and then, Charlotte, you’re gone,
and I am wandering, alone,
through narrow, empty streets,
a ghost in a deserted Stone Town,
I pass before withered houses,
their blue paint peeling off the walls,
I pass before the House of Wonders,
half-crumbling now, like our hopes

and sometimes, Charlotte, sometimes
I long for those monsoon afternoons
when we had tea and watched
brave butterflies rise up
from our sandy beach
into the heavy rain, the black clouds,
they looked like white and yellow,
golden, green and red dots
of a tale we still had to invent

[Hawkman]

Very little wrong with this. I wouldn't start it with an "and" though. Also, I don't think you need to keep reiterating the name. We know who you're talking to/about. I't makes the poem sound didactic and nagging, which is clashing with the reflective tone. The mention in S1 is ok, even though it could be omitted because it's in the title. I'd just call it Charlotte. You should have a full stop after pepper S1, L4. I'm bugged a bit by "the salt of tidy breezes" why would they be salt, and how are breezes tidy? You might want to rethink this, otherwise It's actually rather stunning. Lovely imagery, nice rhythm, good pace. Evocative. I like it.

Live and be well - H

[DieterM]

You know how these things go, sometimes (Charlotte, lol): you are about to fall asleep, and suddenly a sentence bubbles up in the last twilight of conscienceness. You may do what you want, afterwards, but you're never gonna shake off the memory & taste of that half-dreamt sentence. Well, mine was "and sometimes, Charlotte, sometimes". Full stop. Didn't know at all where that would take me today. Seems it took me to Zanzibar :-) Me and Charlotte. Whoever she is (I did know a Charlotte, dear friend of mine, struck by a brain cancer before she could venture forth into her 40s; I do not think this poem is about her). So, Hawkman, even if I hear you (I always do), I reckon I'll stubbornly keep my first "and", if only to be true to my half-dreamt sentence. Now, the title itself is a quote of a famous Cure-song, "Charlotte sometimes" (never understood what they were singing about, though, so it's only the title that fascinated me). As for the repeated "Charlotte", I'll think it over. Maybe I AM (Lord help me!) turning into a didactic, nagging old fart? LOL Who knows… As for the salty & tidy breeze, I wanted to express that island-climate. You know, where there's always a breeze of some sort, and it's necessarily salty because you're so close to the sea, and it's hot, and all you feel is gratitude that that breeze, albeit salty, makes you feel less hot, makes you feel tidier than just the sec before…

[Hawkman]

OK Dieter, you can keep your first line :D However, I really would urge you to drop the name in the next three stanzas. I hear what you're saying about "tidy" but it doesn't convey your intent as you imagine it. In order for the line to make sense, I would suggest replacing tidy with "onshore" which would make contextual sense and realise your vision.

This bit of S1 really needs the punctuation revising as it doesn't read properly as you have it. You could, just about, replace the "me" with "my" and it would be better, but I'd recommend this:

"and my pillow smells of cloves,
of nutmeg, cinnamon, black pepper.
Around me, rooms, large and bare,"

Still it is, without doubt, a fine poem.

LLAP - H

[Jerrybaldy]

I quite liked the repetition of the name. Probably because I tend to use people's names frequently when I am talking to them , therefore this sounded like a genuine conversation even if only happening in the mind of N. I can equally see that it would work without it. So I am Sat on this fence applauding your poem which I found evocative and warm.
JB