Skyscraping

[DieterM]

she wandered on the shores
of the deep deep lake

mirror waters
and a high high mountain range
swimming backwards, lazily

under her feet, dead leaves,
rustling like maracas,
reminding her of Rio
and the thirteen Samba lessons
she had taken back in ‘62

that’s all there is,
she thought:
lake, mountain, trees,
all passionate,
yellow, red, and orange,
and a blue autumn vault

she stretched out an arm,
scratched the sky with the diamond
of her wedding ring,
and through the crack, she saw
stars, and black,
and more memories,
undead and sore

[Hawkman]

Hi Dieter.. Glad to see you so productive. :) This is a nice narrative, but as it stands, it's rather prosaic. Cut phrases like "she thought" its the poet's voice intruding as an omniscient 3rd party narrator. This poem needs to be more immediate. I'm not keen on the first stanza break either.

Likewise I don't think we need "under her feet" and to function poetically I'd prefer the description "maraca leaves", metaphor is stronger than simile. Maybe keep in present tense throughout... not keen on "crack" coming after scratched, "tear" might be better here. Cut the "she saw".

generally there's good material here but it needs tightening up.

Live and be well - H

[DieterM]

Thanks Hawkman. As always, very good advice. I knew the poem was a tad too prosaic when posting but didn't find the right way to put the pieces together in a better way. Here's a second attempt:

wandering along the shore
of the deep deep lake
mirror waters
a high mountain range
swimming backwards, lazily

maraca leaves reminding me
of Rio and the thirteen Samba lessons
I’ve taken back in ‘62

that’s all there is:
lake, mountain, trees,
all passionate,
yellow, red, and orange,
and a blue autumn vault

I stretch out my arm,
scratch the sky with the diamond
of my wedding ring,
and stars show through the tear,
stars, and black,
and more memories,
undead and sore

[YesNo]

I liked the idea of her scratching the sky with her diamond ring allowing her to see more. Some of the memories, I assume, would be pleasant and not sore.

[Hawkman]

Hi Dieter, that's an improvement, but it's not quite there yet.

The first verse now reads a little oddly, as though the high mountain range is wandering along the shore. Poetic? Perhaps, but incongruous. I'd just cut the "wandering" and the "of" at the beginning of L2. I think it would be nice to try and maintain the five line stanzas throughout, if you can. Maybe S2:

"maraca leaves
reminding me of Rio
and the thirteen
samba lessons
taken back in '62"

you don't need the I've, which in any case should be I'd.

S3 is fine but the last stanza is still a little flawed. try:

"I scratch the sky with the diamond
of my wedding ring,
and through the tear,
stars, black, and more memories,
undead and sore."

You'd repeated stars in consecutive lines and though there was nothing intrinsically wrong with stretching out your arm, it wasn't really necessary. Omitting it allows you to maintain the five-line stanzas.

Like this, it's a keeper I think.

Live and be well - H

[Haunted]

I found this to be quite poetic actually — it's poetic in thoughts, and "memories / undead and sore" is quite an imagery in itself. I like the original a lot, the revise just didn't quite have the same effect for me. It's good to come back and be greeted with works such as this.

[DieterM]

Aw, thankie, YesNo, Hawkman and Haunted! This poem will sleep now for a while until I come back and comb its hair again :-)

[AuntShecky]

I almost forgot to mention that the pun-- "scraping the sky"-- is quite clever!


You can bring this one up to a whole new level by playing around with the rhythm, the inklings of which appear in the repetition of "deep" and "high." Go to YouTube or some free music site and listen to some sambas (Jobin, Stan Getz, etc.) and see if you can reset the lines of this verse to a samba-like rhythm.

[ampoule]

I rather liked it the way it was first presented.