The Days Are Blue

[Move_Along91]

* I decided to start a series of short stories in order to become better at writing; and I genuinely want to find my writing voice to the fullest extent possible, so I will be updating when I can if you are interested. Good feedback is always appreciated, thanks. Note: I am a beginning writer so please criticize if you feel the need to.

Chapter 1: Painful Words

The people stood staring at the two of us. A large circle of sick students who hurled my body back into the vicinity of the center circle, where Trip continued to hammer at my face, cheered on. I told him I had no intention in fighting, but clearly his feelings aren’t mutual.

“Stop it, Trip!” she said, with a numbness in her voice from all of the screaming and shouting she had done. Although she kept on intervening, entering the war zone, and separating John’s bloody knuckles from my swollen boxer’s face, Kari couldn’t get Trip to quit the beatings.

“Stay outta this, Kari!” he shouted, as he forced her outside of the circle for the third time.

I was getting tired of trying to end the fight, trying to solve the problem in a peaceful manner, and now I couldn’t handle the pain any longer. The blood lingered down my nose, which had felt broken to me because there was no feeling left in it when I attempted to retire the bleeding by covering it up with my bare hands. As for the makeshift boxing ring, it was decorated with sprinkles of my blood just like my white shirt, which was stained in separate streaks of red designs.

Trip kept marching forward. He clenched his hands and they appeared to be the shape of hammers in my mind; and my face was the nail that failed to enter the piece of wood of the house, which only angered the handyman hammering down on it.

At the center circle, my perception of reality seemed to be of a mutant nature I had never before experienced. I searched around the makeshift ring, noticing a substantial change in my vision, which was blanking out from time to time when I concentrated on the students that surrounded me, who all laughed at the occasion. Although there were numerous people who wore blue frowns on their dispositions, they didn’t do a thing, as they stood to watch the bout before their eyes like they had made a bet on it.

Why hadn’t anyone come to save my life yet? Sure, Kari had tried and failed many times around, but no one else had the guts to stand up to this bully, who would soon send me to my death bed if no one succeeded in ending this bout immediately. As for me, I had already thrown in the towel since the beginning of this all.

Kari threw her body forward once more, and she shattered through the careless crowds of people that locked me into the fight. This time she came to my side of the makeshift ring, hoping to get me to the hospital. She darted a sharp stare at Trip, who was frantically walking towards Kari and I, looking as though he wanted to finish the job for good, but also knowing the grave mistake he had made. I could hardly see the regret illustrated within Trip’s eyes, but, pass all of the hate they embodied, I knew he felt some sort of guilt; and once Kari grasped my body upright and wrapped my arms across her shoulders, he had threw in the towel as well. “You gonna choose this loser over your own boyfriend, huh, Kari!” he shouted and screamed at the peak of his lungs, and I could tell he was hurt about it all.

“Maybe if you weren’t such a psycho, then things would’ve been different, Trip!”

“You talk like I need you--” he said, and he chuckled with a sadistic smile, staring directly into Kari’s eyes with an eerie intent. “You think I need you? I don’t need you…don’t you get that, babe? I was never tied down anyway!”

“Whatever, Trip…” she said, as she guided me outside of the makeshift ring; and the people finally allowed me to pass through because, of course, they didn’t want to see me die, right?

“I’ll do it again if I have to.” he replied, but Kari didn’t care about the words that he had spoken anymore because they were only wasted words from a man who would never understand, no matter how much she had explained to him.

She propped my broken body in the front seat of the car. My vision was waning back and forth, and this feeling I thought was as dreadful as death itself because I thought I was dead or possibly at the midst of being dead. “I’m so sorry, Blue.” she said, frantically scanning me with a melancholic concern. All of the words I wanted to make with my mouth had already been beaten out of me, and, at the moment, there was nothing I felt I had the strength to say, so I kept my lips sealed; after all, they had been the sole reason for my dis-pleasures with Trip; this was a lesson well learned.

[Igor, Froderick]

Short stories are the best way to start out as a writer---a sort of acquainting oneself with a new and infinitely complex universe. Stephen King advises writers to begin this way instead of diving headlong into the "quagmire" he calls a novel.

Pertaining to your chapter, there is good use of action and subtle themes. One of the things many writers struggle with, myself included, is to "show, not tell". Writing books treasure this phrase, and rightly so. All riveting fiction makes the reader "feel". Much of the interior monologue (i.e. psychological emotions) you use could be re-arranged into a conversation---perhaps a pre-fight interlocution between the protagonist and Trip.

Style is arguably one of the---if not "the"---most important elements of good fiction. Style includes grammar---length of sentences, word choice, cadence, and the list goes on. It takes time to develop style, but knowing the rules of grammar---as painful as it is---bolsters the writing and cuts down on editing time.

Lastly, make the reader care for the characters. Readers may need to know more of what's going on in the characters lives to want to turn to chapter two.

Hope this helps. Enjoy the writerly journey.

[Move_Along91]

Thanks for your critique. I really appreciate it, and I will use your tips on my future writings. The learning process is a long one, but I'll fully find my writing voice sometime.

[108 fountains]

This was a good effort, Move Along91. I thought you did a good job describing a "fight scene."

Here are two things you may want to consider:

1) The title of the chapter "Painful Words" is brought in nicely at the end. We learn that "words... had been the sole reason for my dis-pleasures with Trip." But we don't know what it was he said to Trip that started the fight. If that is the main point of the story, then I think the reader should know. You don't necessarily have to put it at the beginning of the story, as Frederick suggested, although that would work, but perhaps you can place it somewhere in the middle, maybe as a continuation of the paragraph that ends with "...As for me, I had already thrown in the towel since the beginning of this all." You could start the next sentence with something like, "This whole things started when I said, "...(whatever it was he said)."

2) Frederick's other comment about grammar and style is also good advice, especially the part about choice of words. Beginning writers too often try to showcase their vocabulary, and the result is that that the reader feels the writer is trying too hard to impress. In your story, for example, "...my perception of reality seemed to be of a mutant nature." Why not just say "I felt dazed."? Or "...I could hardly see the regret illustrated within Trip’s eyes, but, pass all of the hate they embodied, I knew he felt some sort of guilt..." It's not clear what you mean; maybe better to go with something like, "I wondered if he felt any guilt."

Please do keep writing. We all learn as we go.

[Move_Along91]

This was a good effort, Move Along91. I thought you did a good job describing a "fight scene."

Here are two things you may want to consider:

1) The title of the chapter "Painful Words" is brought in nicely at the end. We learn that "words... had been the sole reason for my dis-pleasures with Trip." But we don't know what it was he said to Trip that started the fight. If that is the main point of the story, then I think the reader should know. You don't necessarily have to put it at the beginning of the story, as Frederick suggested, although that would work, but perhaps you can place it somewhere in the middle, maybe as a continuation of the paragraph that ends with "...As for me, I had already thrown in the towel since the beginning of this all." You could start the next sentence with something like, "This whole things started when I said, "...(whatever it was he said)."

2) Frederick's other comment about grammar and style is also good advice, especially the part about choice of words. Beginning writers too often try to showcase their vocabulary, and the result is that that the reader feels the writer is trying too hard to impress. In your story, for example, "...my perception of reality seemed to be of a mutant nature." Why not just say "I felt dazed."? Or "...I could hardly see the regret illustrated within Trip’s eyes, but, pass all of the hate they embodied, I knew he felt some sort of guilt..." It's not clear what you mean; maybe better to go with something like, "I wondered if he felt any guilt."

Please do keep writing. We all learn as we go.

I will definitely keep writing 108 Fountains. Thank you for the response because I do feel that I tend to try to impress the reader or audience by wording my writing with "impressive" diction. When I am now figuring out that I can make things much simpler to also create a strong effect. Again, I will continue to write and improve my craft, thanks! XD

[AuntShecky]

At this point you probably should spend more time reading than writing. Of course, you can do both, but read as many modern and contemporary short stories as you can get your hands on. As you read, try to get an sense of not WHAT the writer is saying but HOW he or she is saying it.

[Move_Along91]

At this point you probably should spend more time reading than writing. Of course, you can do both, but read as many modern and contemporary short stories as you can get your hands on. As you read, try to get an sense of not WHAT the writer is saying but HOW he or she is saying it.

Thanks for the constructive criticism, AuntShecky. This is exactly what I've been trying to do as of lately, trying to read more works to understand what is specifically done in good writing. I do feel like I need more examples to help shape my writing for the better. Lately, I've been digging my nose into a lot of older works; I've been reading Ernest Hemingway's short stories, but most recently, I have been diving into a lot of H.P. Lovecraft's works because I just love his style of writing. I will definitely focus on my reading more for now because I feel that's what I really need to do. I'm gonna dive down deep into some great literature, and then make my back way to this site. Again, thanks for the advice because all the advice I can get is what I am looking for to help me become a better writer.

[AuntShecky]

Hemingway is ok, as long as you realize we have too many Hemingway imitators already. Read Lovecraft if, as you say, you enjoy that sort of thing, but please don't model your own work on Lovecraft's style or subject matter, as both are a bit passé for 2014. Read lots of modern and contemporary writers, works published in our own century, and the second half of the 20th.