Danke

[MystyrMystyry]

Danke for being naked
In Sweden they're stripping down to their socks
What a wonderful pair of anagrams
If you don't mind I'll stop at my jocks

So hot and humid in this mixed sauna
Outside it's as cold as ice
Everywhere an icing of icicles
But inside it's cosy and nice

Everyone's blonde in Sweden
All the way down to their pubes
It's so lovely in this steam bath
Externally everything's icecubes

It's cold and snowy in Sweden
And I often wonder if
They're all randy as rabbits
Or perhaps they're just frozen stiff

Huzzah!

In Sweden it's cold for six months
And freezing for the rest
But naked in an outside hot tub
Danke! Danke! Danke! This is the best!

[DieterM]

I rather liked this, maybe because I've only recently discovered the TV-show "Wlecome to Sweden", which I found quite funny. What I'm asking myself, though, is why the poem is titled "Danke", and why that word is repeated. Danke is very much German, whereas "thank you" would be "tack" in Swedish. Not that I'd mind, Mystyr, it's your "Danke" that brought me here in the first place, good old curious me… :-) Btw, the lines "In Sweden it's cold for six months / And freezing for the rest"made me giggle :-)

[Hawkman]

Hello, MM. I really enjoyed the playfulness of this piece, but like Dieter, I was confused by the "danke" where "tack" would have been more fitting. I was also wondering about the relevance of "anagrams." I can guess, but the answer I reach isn't one! :D What detracts a bit from perfection in this poem is the raggedness of the rhythm. For example:

"Danke for being naked
In Sweden they're stripping down to their socks
What a wonderful pair of anagrams
If you don't mind I'll stop at my jocks"

Here l2 is not in keeping with the other lines. in order to make it scan it's necessary to cut a few syllables. "Here In Sweden they strip to their socks" would fit better, although it would just about work with just "In Sweden..." it's all about where the stresses fall.

first line: Dah-di, di, dah-di, Dah-di.

your line 2: Di dah-di, di, dah-di, dah, di, di, dah (which has no discernible rhythm).

line 3: Di, di, dah-di-di, dah, di, dah-di-dah
line 4: Di, di, dah, di, di, dah, di, di, Dah.

if you could smooth out your rhythms a bit, you'd add to the humour of the piece, and to the reader's pleasure.

in S2 the first line is the one with the misplaced beats. this is easily fixed by moving the word sauna.

"This mixed sauna's so hot and humid"
line 2 is fine as it is but line 3 again has misplaced stresses. "Outside there's an icing of icicles" fits the rhythm and leads nicely into line 4 which is fine.

The first two lines of the next stanza work fine; the cesura created by the line break (you could possibly put a comma in here at the end of line 1) allows the lines to be choppy and the third line also works, but not in combination with the forth line which ends on ice cubes, which incidentally is two words, with both being equally stressed. The way the line is set up it should read; di-dah-di-di, da-di-di, dah. I don't know if you were taught music the same way I was in junior school, but as kids we were given xylophones and asked, "questions" in music and rhythm. An opening "question" rhythm has a natural answering closure and just tapping it out helps to keep your stress patterns and syllables on track.

the second line of the penultimate stanza also causes a rhythm problem. Its because you have strong partial rhythms in all the verses that the glitches really stand out. If you had opted for choppier lines, though, much of the humour would have been lost, I feel.

You always have great ideas and you obviously possess a good sense of humour and a wry eye ;) rhythm is a bit of a weakness though, so keep practicing. Practice makes perfect.

Live and be well - H

[AuntShecky]

Pay heed to what the great Hawkman speaketh re: meter^. The gentleman knows his stuff.

As for the "meat" of the poem, once again this piece shows your unique sense of humor. The fourth stanza alone is worth the price of admission.

Auntie