Matters

[DieterM]

doesn’t matter that
our snobish suburb has become
the loneliest, emptiest place
while the big city still
palpitates in the distance
like a gushing fatal wound

doesn’t matter that
even the birds have
deserted this forsaken spot
and that the autumn wind,
tousling the dark pines,
blows harder in order to
leave as fast as possible

doesn’t matter that
I feel hungover like
on Sunday mornings back
when I was twenty and
had danced all night,
only this time I haven't,
and, sadly, I ain't

doesn’t matter because
when everything seems
too heavy and hollow for
my shoulders, suddenly
a newborn morning
lashes out and crowns
you with melted gold

[Hawkman]

What ho, Dieter!

I do like this, particularly the assonance and rhythm here:

"...the loneliest, emptiest place
while the big city still
palpitates..."

that's classy.

I'd take a look at this though:

"when I was twenty and
had danced all night,
only this time I ain’t,
sadly, and I haven’t"

the "sadly" is in the wrong place and I'd recommend ending the verse with "ain't" because its a single syllable and punchier. try this:

"when I was twenty and
had danced all night,
only this time I haven't,
and, sadly, I ain't"

Lastly I'd scrub the last two lines. It's overkill, too much spelling out. let the verses stand on their own.

Love it.

Live and be well - H

[DieterM]

Thanks, Hawkman, for commenting and for offering exactly the advice I was looking for! Btw, I thought we were already "friends". Well, apparently no. But now we are :-) officially :-) even if a dude with a chicken on his head... Dunno ;-)

[Hawkman]

Who he? I only wear ducks ;)

LLAP - H

[tailor STATELY]

Who he? I only wear ducks ;)

LLAP - Hlol... or do the ducks wear you?

[Jerrybaldy]

Dieter. You are an actual poet. I never see your name without then reading

[DieterM]

Jerrybaldy, I really feel flattered! You made my (otherwise quite rainy & "octobry") day!

[Delta40]

I like this poem in every way Dieter.

[Haunted]

Loved the flow and the sound of it which has become a style you can call your own.

[DieterM]

Thanks to both of you, Delta & Haunted :-)

[AuntShecky]

I agree with the previous assessments. The only image I have trouble picturing is the city palpitating -- unless it means palpitating with lights at night?

[ampoule]

Oooo, I like.

[Bar22do]

You're an accomplished poet, Dieter, plus, you seem to be immune to despair... you always find something in the conuntry of peace to hold on to.
Merci...
from Bar

[DieterM]

Enough, enough, I might end up believing you, Bar :-) And thanks auntie & ampoule. Glad this little piece has attracted so many readers who enjoyed it. Or so it seems :-)