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Lyn05
10-03-2014, 11:17 AM
"Have you ever thought about learning how to drive?" she asked me. She was leaning on the train door, hugging her laptop.

"Hmm, not really," I said. "But I think it's a really useful skill, you know, like in an emergency..."

I trailed off, contemplating if I should tell her what I was thinking about. We had only gotten to know each other, and I didn't want to embarrass myself. But we seemed to hit it off, so I said it anyway.

"It sounds silly but I'm thinking about a zombie apocalypse when I said emergency. Like when you really need to run you just grab someone's car and drive really fast."

A huge smile spread across her face, and she started to laugh as she nodded in agreement, and soon I was laughing with her.

"Yea yea! I was thinking about that too!" she said between breaths.

We had a lot more conversations since then, both silly and serious. We met because we were grouped together for a project, and truth be told, I wasn't exactly happy at first. She had been skipping classes, so much so that I didn't know who she was. Then she promised to turn up for class but didn't, and I had to handle the class discussions on my own. And then even with the project deadline looming before us, she didn't mention a thing about getting together to start working on it till I did.

I thought she was irresponsible.

One day, when she did come for lessons, she told me why. I was pretty shocked, not at her confession but rather that she'd chosen to come clean with me, a total stranger. Then I felt sorry for her, and then the ugly thoughts surfaced, which make me feel guilty every time I think about it. I remembered thinking, well, lots of people are in the same situation as you. They deal with it; so can you.

But as I got to know her better, I realised that she was a really strong person, and there was a lot that I could-and ought to- learn from her. When it hit her hard and she was just really down, she'd skip class but not without a deadline- she'd do her best to get back into the fight by a certain day. She also figured out a lot of stuff about life. Like how there's no point in worrying about every detail, in planning for everything, because life was unpredictable, and sometimes you have to let things go and move on. She came to the conclusion that if you can't deal with the big problem, then tackle it by just taking things as they come, day by day. She found a religion - or maybe it found her- and she became better.

And she always told herself, when all this is over, she'll come out of it a much stronger person, and when that day comes, nothing would get her down again. She'd just have to keep trying, and never give up.

It occurred to me that her strength lies in the fact that she struggles.

How many people could do that? To keep getting back up every single day isn't easy, especially when each day is a test of mental and physical strength. It would be much easier to just stay in bed, and let it swallow you. If I were in her shoes, I might not have been able to be as brave as she is.

My friend is fighting depression. The way she shines through it is amazing.

Calidore
10-03-2014, 04:37 PM
AKA "My Friend, the Pronoun".

Seriously, though, people have names and use them. Referring to a character only as "she" just serves to keep the reader at a distance from her, and this seems like the kind of story where you'd want the opposite effect.

Telling, not showing, is another way to keep the reader distant, and unfortunately, that's about all this story is. The narrator tells us about his friend's irresponsibility and its effect on him, then about her struggles and her depression, but we're never actually shown any of this. And why does the narrator hold off telling us about her depression until the end? That keeps a vagueness in the story that serves no purpose at all. He's telling us about his gradual understanding of her personality, so we should learn about the depression when he does.

On the plus side, your spelling, grammar, and punctuation are all good, and the story itself was a smooth read. Effort shows, and you've definitely put in an effort to make the story look good and read well. You just need to put in more effort into the story itself. Instead of telling us what happens, give your narrator the camera and let us see it. The opening conversation does this just fine.

Lyn05
10-04-2014, 12:37 AM
Hi Calidore! Thanks for the comments! I was sort of gunning for a different effect, like how some people can write things in a matter-of-fact way but still make their stories interesting. Anyhow, I see what you mean and I'll work to improve this! Thanks again:)

Steven Hunley
12-01-2014, 04:14 PM
Hi Calidore! Thanks for the comments! I was sort of gunning for a different effect, like how some people can write things in a matter-of-fact way but still make their stories interesting. Anyhow, I see what you mean and I'll work to improve this! Thanks again:)


Try any name that fits the character. This story has a lot going for it. Show and tell are always a hard balance to maintain.