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timds
09-24-2014, 08:45 PM
I always liked Tiffany's. That shade of blue stands out so softly against the concrete. You can spot their store from a mile away. It’s strange; they always had bracelets in their storefront window. Today, however, they had on display a new style of engagement ring. It was a very simple design. Three diamonds grouped close together on a white gold band.
I always liked simple. My mother had this ungodly ring from my father when they were young. It had countless diamonds and stones jammed anywhere the jeweler could fit them. It was like when a child makes its own sundae, more sprinkles than ice cream.
Anyways, like I was saying before. I noticed the change in their store window because the sun bounced off the ring and right into my eyes. Oh boy was it beautiful. I really should show Roger. Maybe he’ll get it for me someday, if he ever decides to ask me to marry him.
I guess I should have watched where I was going. It wasn’t the man’s fault. He was just minding his own business and I walked into the street and probably ruined his day. He did hit the brakes before he hit me. A ‘67 Buick still isn’t the softest thing to be hit by, but I do appreciate him trying to stop for me.
I think someone said somewhere that your life flashes before your eyes when you die. They lied. All I saw was this old music box that my father made for me when I was a young child. Why would I think of that at a time like this? Of all the things I could possibly think of, I thought of that stupid music box.
I was about eight years old when my father gave me the music box. It wasn’t my birthday or anything; he just gave it to me out of the blue. When he first gave it to me you should have seen the look on his face. He was so proud of his work. He sat there and told me every detail about how he made it. It was like I was right there with him in his workshop.
He was a furniture maker, so he was very skilled at woodworking. The box was about the size of a five hundred-page novel or so, didn’t weigh much more either. You could tell he spent hours making it. Looked as if he went to the store and bought right from the window from one of those fancy stores you see in the magazines.
It was made of white oak. I have never seen the grain in wood run as straight as it did in my music box. My father stained it with a dark red stain. It looked almost Mahogany like after the stain aged a bit. He really did a good job. Evenly stained on the inside and out. Most furniture makers don’t stain all the wood in their creations. They would stain just the wood that will be seen regularly. My father wasn’t one of those furniture makers. He took pride in his work.
I remember him telling me that he used a tongue and groove method, combined with wood glue, to hold the sides and bottom of the box together. This gave the box a look as if it were made from one solid piece of wood. He attached the lid of the box with these small silver hinges that allowed it to stand when it was lifted. The hinges never squeaked, not even to this day.
In all the music boxes I’ve seen they always had a mirror on the inside of the lid. I never understood this. Are you supposed to stare at yourself as the music plays? My father had used a wood-burning instrument to create a rose and willow tree design on the inside of the lid. It must have taken him weeks to do. The dark lines of the burnt wood didn’t stand out from the oak. It looked as if it occurred naturally inside the wood. It really was a handsome looking music box now that I think of it.
The music was created by a rotating piece of cylindrical metal. It had notches cut into it so when they passed the metal prongs a note would sound. I think the song was a waltz by Chopin. I am not quite sure, I’d know it if I heard it again.
It’s still sitting on my nightstand back at home. I wonder what will happen to it now. I hope my father gives it to Nora my baby sister. She was always asking me to wind it up for her so she could hear the lovely music.
Strange things you think of when you are lying motionless on the middle of the road. I really do like that shade of blue Tiffany’s uses on their sign. It’s simple. I like simple.
Five stories up Thomas Linbolt stands with a cup of coffee he just made for himself. He witnessed the young woman walk in front of the moving car and now laying motionless over the yellow line on the road. Her brown hair, which only ten minutes ago he saw in a tight bun, was now spread out on the asphalt. He knew the young woman. Her name was Lisa Bade. She was just in his office for an interview for a secretary position.
He liked her a lot. Her blue eyes were very welcoming to Thomas when she sat across from him at his desk. They matched her fair complexion. She was dressed very modestly in a yellow summer dress with a pearl necklace on. He really would have enjoyed her company around the office. She was a very attractive young woman.
Taking a sip from his coffee he walked over to his desk. He picked up his phone and spoke to his secretary. He asked her if she would mind calling Miss Smith back. He would like to schedule another interview for the secretary position

DATo
09-25-2014, 05:33 AM
Very nice work timds ! Your story reminds me a lot of one I recently wrote called Acceptance. You describe things very well. I especially liked your description of the music box.

Lisa's understated reaction to what has befallen her gives a sort of eerie and surreal feel to the piece and this is exactly what makes it interesting. Her flashback to the music box is a veiled and metaphorical journey and reference to that which she holds most precious to her: an instantaneous flight from the false value and pretentiousness of a diamond to the very real preciousness of an object created out of love.

I also liked the way you cleverly inserted the blue of her eyes at the end of the story.

One very small criticism ... it's asphalt, not ash fault.

timds
09-25-2014, 11:40 AM
Thank you for your feedback and comments DATo. I'm new to writing and wanted to use this forum to test the waters. This is a boost to my confidence as I have recently suffered a blow to another form of art I practice.

108 fountains
09-25-2014, 03:38 PM
I liked the story a lot too for all the same reasons DATo suggested. If you are new to writing, then I would say you have a bright future ahead of you. I have two pieces of costructive criticism and one other suggestion for you to consider for improving the story (because any story can always be improved, even ones that have been put aside as "final").

1) It looks like the intention was to start off in the past tense and then move into the present, and you might have technically pulled it off, but it still seems awkward that way. I think just leaving the whole thing in the past tense is something you might want to consider.

2) I know it's fiction, but I still have a hard time with stories where the first person narrator dies in the end or, in this case, is lying on the pavement after being hit by a car. It makes me wonder, "How did she write it?" You might consider making this a third person narration. You might have to change a few things around, but it could be done, and I think it could be done without loss of intimacy between narrator and reader.

3) In the last paragraph, when Mr. Linbolt asks his secretary to call Miss Smith back, I was confused at first - who is Miss Smith? When I re-read it, I understood. Maybe I'm just thick-headed, but you might consider changing that to something like "Mr. Linbolt asked his assistant to bring in the stack of applications. He was going to need to schedule another interview for the secretarial position."

timds
09-26-2014, 02:20 PM
Thank you 108 fountains for you post. Thank you for your criticism. it is is exactly what I was hoping would happen when I posted on here. I agree with you completely on the last paragraph now that I have another perspective on it. It is hard to fin faults in your own writing when you have the complete story inside your hear already. I hope to re-write and edit it soon and will post the next version on here soon. Thanks again

AuntShecky
09-26-2014, 05:47 PM
Please skip a space between paragraphs next time. And proof-read.

timds
09-26-2014, 08:43 PM
Thanks AuntShecky for your insightful criticism. I will put it to good use next time.

DATo
09-27-2014, 02:34 AM
108 fountains,

I understood who Miss Smith was but I had greater difficulty believing the matter-of-fact way in which Lindbolt accepted her death. I think if I had just witnessed someone getting killed by a car the last thing on my mind would be who the next person on the applicant list is. On the other hand, this attitude maintains the continuity of the eeriness with which Lisa herself accepts her circumstances as mentioned in my first post. Viewed in that light Lindbolt's reaction suggests a calculated intention the part of the writer to maintain the understated style of the piece which I find very interesting.

Someone else recently wrote a story in which the narrator had died. As I recall I voiced the same sentiments that you have with regard to Simple and Blue. I agree with you that this seems to clash with common sense. If the person is dead how can they be telling a story? Once again, to play Devil's advocate with myself, I remind myself that this is the same manner in which the movie American Beauty is told. As I recall, the character portrayed by the actor Kevin Spacey is telling the story after his demise. Personally, I agree with you and I think I would have written the entire story in third person but after reading your post I think you agree that timds still succeeded, overall, in presenting a well written and interestingly written story.

108 fountains
09-29-2014, 12:22 PM
Yes, there are a lot of unusual things going on here - a lot of contrasts - and I like that. The whole structure of the piece is a little strange - and in a good way, I think. Sandwiched in between Lisa's story in the first few paragraphs and the jarring change of scene to Mr. Linbolt in the concluding paragraphs is a really nice piece of writing, as DATo pointed out originally, in the decription of the music box. The care and meticulousness that went into the making of the music box I think is mirrored in the polished prose of that section of the story, contrasted to the non-chalant writing style of the story up to that point. But also sandwiched in between the nonchalance of Lisa and the obliviousness of Linbolt is the obvious passion of the father who "took pride in his work."

There is also the contrast between Lisa's mother's "ungodly" wedding ring, which was a gift from her father, and the simple design of the engagement ring that Lisa likes and also the way she is dressed "modestly in a yellow summer dress with a pearl necklace." Twice Lisa tells us she "likes simple," but then that also contrasts in a much different way with the detailed design and intricate worksmanship of the music box, which is very important to Lisa. These contrasts seem conflicting to me - Lisa likes simple, the father bought a garish wedding ring for Lisa's mother that Lisa doesn't like, but he also constructed a beautiful music box for Lisa, which she loves.

There is a message here with these contrasts, but I'm not quite sure what the message is. I think that is what gives the story its eeriness.