Westgate

[Jerrybaldy]

I'm bleeding by the Mars bars
By the golden cubes of pineapples
By the lady with the baby inside
The Muslims, the Christians and Maltesers
The Monsoon dress
The opulence of death
Holding in my insides
Innocence conjealing
By the checkout
Death wrapped in black
With human eyes
Scanning the aisles.
I'm dying with the Unasking;
Slaughtered by the answers.

[Hawkman]

There's a lot of really good stuff in this one. Particularly taken with "Dying with the unasking, / Slaughtered by the answers. My only critiques are that perhaps the punctuation could be improved. Too many full stops which break up the rhythm. I think it could flow better. Also, I do wonder if it isn't a little too long. I might be inclined so suggest ending it at "...eyes."

Notwithstanding, a powerful piece and a rewarding read. Good to see you on the boards JB.

Live and be well - H.

[tailor STATELY]

Enjoyed; especially the soft rhyme:

"The monsoon dress
The opulence of death."

and

"Death wrapped in black
With human eyes."

Hoping you are well.

Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
tailor STATELY

[Delta40]

I liked it too Jerry. Seems to reflect the current climate.
Price check please.

[Jerrybaldy]

Thank you Hawk, Tailor and Delta. You were quite right Hawk and I have tidied it up and cut and changed the end. I wrote it quickly after watching a documentary on the Westgate Mall massacre in Nairobi.

[Marbles]

Heartfelt little poem. I like it. Well done, Jerrdybaldy.

[AuntShecky]

Good to see you again among the rest of us NitLetters.

[Jerrybaldy]

Thank you Marbles.
Auntie, I can confirm that my latest attempt to escape from here did fail.

[Haunted]

Saw an earlier version, didn't get a chance to comment, but like this tighter version more. Wasn't sure what it was until "death wrapped in black/with human eyes". Then it I began to 'see' it (I'm a bit slow these days). Graphic, excellent work. Glad your escape failed ;)

[Jerrybaldy]

Thanks Haunted. I will keep posting if you do :beatdeadhorse5:

[Haunted]

Thanks Haunted. I will keep posting if you do :beatdeadhorse5:

Ditto. Let's make a pact... :boxing_smiley: